Hey, I poked around a bit and read other people's cyber gripes and realized that perhaps more details in my shortened story would have been more informative.
I mean, there are 2 issues here :
1) Do straight men REALLY j/o to other men ?
I am not sure but my instinct tells me he's bi but horrified to admit it to himself.
( Although my best friend seems to think he's fully aware he is bi and believes he has even pursued it since we've been together )...
2) His webcam/chat room habits and the fact that he lied to me about doing them while he was with me!
Ok, here are the details I ommitted in my earlier story.
Not only had I discovered the pictures of erect male genitalia in the beginning of our relationship, the other items I found were very suggestive e-mail addresses and what appeared to be user names - scribbled all over little pieces of paper in his desk drawer.
Like an idiot, I always confronted him about them and of course, he always denied knowing anything about them.
My ( newly ex ) boyfriend was always very "Honest" with me about everything, or so he always said.
He made sure to let me know that if I ever had a question or whatever, that he would answer it .
I'm a firm believer in whatever you did before you met me is none of my business, but he filled me in on things that I wish I'd never been told and it's a good indication of his personality, I think and a glimpse inside his true character.
1) In those few years after his divorce and while he was single, he slept with lots of married, engaged & taken women.
I don't know how he found them but he always swore he never sought them out.
I always hated that and often pointed out - if you can't respect anyone else's relationship, how can you respect your own ?
He said he was just at a time when he was not looking for anything serious.
* We are talking about low down, dirty acts of screwing the neighbors g. friend from 2 doors down and he even told me one story about one of them who was engaged and she actually modeled her wedding dress for him!!!!
2) Everything he ever told me seemed to revolve around sex.
( We are both highly sexual individuals but as strange as it is for me to say, I think maybe he was oversexed, or at least really confused )
The bj he got when he was 18 was from a man at an escort agency.
He said he had gone there to apply for a job but was told that it was for men.
I nver got any more details out of him other than that, but somewhere in between being told it was for me, the guy had him take off his clothes to show his stuff and proceeded to give him a blowjob!!
And I said - at what point did you decide not to kick him in the head ?
Most straight men would bolt, if not practically murder the guy, am I wrong ?
Other times, he informed me of how he had gotten offers or invitations to do porn videos but had always turned them down because he's got kids with his ex wife.
It's as though his entire life has always revolved around sex.
He's in the military and has been for most of his life and he told me ALL about the hookers he had in the Phillipines and in Okinawa...but then, he was a horny teenager at the time, so I didn't really think anything of it.
I never liked knowing it, but his age at the time was understandable.
The of course, I heard the stories about the xxx theatres that he went to where he used to live ( in the same state where we are now ) and how he used to j/o to porn there.
I asked him if he did that with people around him and looking at him and he said yes.
He said he only did that in places where it was acceptable.
He paid one of those dancing girls to dance for him once ( All this was from when he was younger ) and he j/o'd while watching her.
He told me about one time when he was in the marines and had gone for a massage and the girl climbed on top of him.
He told me about another time when he had asked a cab driver where he could get a hooker and the driver took him to a hotel where he proceeded to go to a room that was filled with other men and hookers all screwing together.
Let's just say, he is no stranger to the adult industry.
Of course, the last time he ever did anything like that ( he said ) was when he was fresh out of his marriage and he and his ex went to a swingers club and according to him, they messed around with a couple.
He got the girl and she got the guy, but he said his ex also messed around with the woman.
I asked if his ex was bi and he said yes.
He said there was another time that they had hired a female escort ( while they were married ) and they messed around with the escort and he slept with her but that another time, he had come home to find the same escort with his wife!
( Yes, it is one big Jerry Springer episode - I have to get it off my chest )
So, all this stuff I knew about him, whether I asked him or not and it didn't all sit well with me but I thought, ok, it was before we met, etc, etc.
He told me that he didn't want our relationship to be like the one he had with his ex wife.
He always told me he never wanted to bring another person into it and that's the way I wanted it.
So, maybe all this background info. is helpful in knowing what he was doing behind my back.
Not too long ago, I was going trough his underwear drawer ( he is currently out of town and I liked to wear his boxers around the house - like shorts ) and I found a black men's g-string!
I was laughing, because at that time, it was so not a surprise. I was always finding one thing or another.
He said he had it because he had tried out to be a dancer but could not dance.
He said it was old but it looked like new.
Anyway, back to the cyber thing...
Once I became aware something was going on with the computer, I began to notice that every morning and every night -like clockwork, he would log onto both his AOL and yahoo IM.
I was the only one on his yahoo buddy list and we never wrote each other there so I never understood why he would open it up each day. ????
When I brought that up one day, he said he had it in case anyone was trying to find him.
I tied the webcam into it when I began to notice that its position was often moved from where it was on his desk when I had left for work some mornings.
When I asked him about the webcam , he said it had come with the computer and that he used it to keep an eye on his kids when they were over. ( They were'nt over at the time ).
I always made a mental note of the webcam position and if it had been changed.
I started taking notes down from files I came across on the computer - dates of yahoo use and anywebcam.com and spotlife.com and earthcam.com came up every so often - dates from when we were together, but nothing specific, nothing indicating his activity there.
He had a crazy collection of porn and webcam sites in his favourites list and on his desktop.
( Most of which were deleted once I moved inwith him )
I found some interesting negatives in one of his drawers of him standing naked in his living room and proudly holding his dick.
When I showed it to him and asked him why he had it taken, he laughed and said he couldn't remember.
Funny, he always said he couldn't remember...
I found temp. files that said he had gone to free live video, which, when i checked it out, had girls that you could talk to for free but had to pay to get naked.
I mentioned this all to him and told him there was a difference between looking at playboy and doing your oqn thing to chatting with real people over the internet.
He always denied having gone to those sites or doing those things and he said he agreed with me.
I asked him several times if he was addicted to porn and also if he had a need to exhibit himself but he always said no.
Well, once he went away for the military for amonth and while he was gone, I found his password in his backup files.
I'd always been very curious about his password because he'd always made such a fuss over entering it whenver I was nearby.
If he'd never made such a stink, I probably never would have cared to get it.
I got it and logged onto his yahoo IM and didn't see anythong there ( darn ) but then I went into his yahho chat group listing and found 3 groups which he had JUST applied to join that month :
A ) Cum on my daughter's face
B ) Voyeur dad
C ) Spying on the girl's next door
I was so shocked because they all revolved around teenage girls and Father's with daughters and he's got a teenage step - daughter!!
I came right out and told him I had found his password and had found that stuff and then I broke up with him but he managed to convince me he didn't know what it was when he had signed up and that he really had no interest in that at all and we worked things out and got back together. ( Sad to say )
So, after that, he always said I had control issues and often told me i was just like his ex because SHE was always looking for things too and he knew I hated the comparison.
I don't condone what i did but when you think someone's not telling you something, you WANT to find out what it is!!!
I don't remember how I found out about the whole yahoo chat & webcam thing, even.
I guess I must have blocked it out of my mind.
All I remember is one day we we togehter in the room and an IM popped up from some guy.
My boyfriend literally ran for the computer but I got thre first and sat down and wrote hi back.
The guy wrote - 'I wrote you here once before' and I was right in the middl eof responding when my bf leaned over and cut it off.
Then the story of how he used to masturbate for men came out.
He said he hadn't done it since he had been with me and that it was nothing so I asked him - since it was nothing, to do what he did in front of ME.
I told him I didn't like it but if it was nothing, than he would have no problem doing it with me in the room.
He was surprised and seemed awkward but he got online and went into a room and proceeded to accept men's webcam invitations to view him and view them...but I noticed he was being picky about who he watched, he would comment on their dicks and if they didn't have a nice one or didn't have a nice body as well, he would skip over them. ( Do straight guys do that ) ?
He got a few guys on his screen and had them all watching him and proceeded to do his thing. He seemed very awkward and nervous with me there but he sure as hell didn't hold back with the one who was IM'ing him.
The guy who was IM'ing him was being very specific and my BF was being very specific back. I couldn't believe he was doing this but I just wanted to see what it was all about and I thought that, maybe if he was still doing these things while he was with me, that this would take the thrill away.
So, whatever - he did it, he did it to completion and then he QUICKLY shut off the computer.
When we talked about it later, he said he did it only for me and when I questioned him about his sexuality, he got mad and told me that now he felt stupid for having done it at all.
He swore up and down that it was just something he used to do before he met me, before his workouts.
He swore he never "finished the job". OKAAAYYYY.
So, as obsessive as it all sounds, it really was over the course of our relationship that I found all this stuff out and I really believed he was telling me the truth.
I wasn't going crazy looking for things but I sure as hell kept my eyes open, let's just put it that way.
We had a great relationship outside of that and i was easily fooled, I guess.
You all know the rest.
The warped thing is, he thinks I'm the nut for going through his things.
He doesn't seem to understand I had a reason for it.
He seems to see only that.
Is this common for people who have done things like this ?
Is it a form of denial?
As for the sexuzlity thing, I personaly think he's bi as all hell.
I had forgotten to mention that very early on, ( around the time of the erect pics on the computer ) I had found a website he had gone to and it was a gay porn site.
When I had asked him about that, he said he had been looking for a site to post his picture ( he's a bodybuilder ) and that he hadn't known it was a gay site.
Well, last month, he just "informed" me oh so casually about a place in the city where he is currently, that has naked men dancing!
When I asked him how he knew that, he said from a magazine.
When I asked him what magazine, he said EXP magazine.
He said it was a gay publication but he hadn't known it when he picked it up.
Somebody please also offer me your opinion on this subject as well, as I am not sure what to think!
We are no longer together, but it would still be helpful to get an outside perspective.
Thank you, the novel is done.