How did you find out?

[MammaMia]

How did you find out that your spouse was having an affair? How soon did you confront?

 

 

 

Personally, I had my suspicions, but Dday was when she would not leave our home when I had to leave. She stayed at the house with H while I had to go. She had been invited over by us and her stupidity that night gave her away. I wanted to tell her that the visit was over, but I did not want to embarrass H in front of a friend. Unbeknownst to me, these two were embarrassing me esp. H. That's the day " I knew" and I decided to do some investigative work starting with the emails. I confronted about a week later after having gathered enough evidence.

[GLDheart]

I surprised my ex while she was on the phone. The look in her face told me everything. I spoke to her calmly and explained how I felt about what appeared to be an EA and said "talking behind my back tells me everything I need to know. If it was nothing, you would talk in front of me. I won't live this way."

 

She cooled it for a few months or went more underground with it... who knows... When I caught her acting weird with her phone again, I told her we were done. A month after No Contact, I did some digging and was a bit disgusted with what I found... but whatever, we were done. I think I just looked into it for my own sanity.

 

I'm not a kid. You can lie to me... sure... but that's when I take action. I miss her bad, but I can do better than a cheating whore.

Edited August 9, 2012 by GLDheart

[mercy]

The OW called me. He broke it off with her, the guilt was eating him alive. She told him if he did she would call me. And she did.

 

She was cruel.

 

I will add something though, there is an insurance commercial where the man is talking to another man but the wife thinks it's a woman. She says, she sounds hidious and her h says, well she's a man. Wonder if anyone has seen it.

 

Anyway when she was on the phone talking to me I thought, this sounds like a man. I even said to her, is this a man. It enraged her worse than she already was. I never did get her anger at me. But she was filled with hate. They had agreed it was just sex but when her h found out and dumped her she wanted h to do the same to me, he said no.

 

I never understood how he could involve himself with someone like her, he couldn't either. But he did. She was ten years older than me. Odd thoughts I was thinking. I wondered, you're old what are you doing.. And in one phone call I asked her that.

 

She'd call all the time. It really hurt but still I'd answer. Then I got mad. She shouldn't have made me mad. With anger sometimes comes action.

 

h was home when she called. I confronted him as I talked to her. She was laughing. h was crying, me too.

[GLDheart]

...as I talked to her. She was laughing. h was crying, me too.

 

She's one heck of a cookoo bird. I think the person that made out the best in this deal was her husband simply because he left her.

[mercy]

She's one heck of a cookoo bird. I think the person that made out the best in this deal was her husband simply because he left her.

 

 

She's just to be pitied.

 

No, I made out the best. I used all that hurt and pain to my benefit. And I have my sweet h to love.

[Ninja'sHusband]

She got pregnant. She told me she didn't know who the father was, wanted to give him a chance to be a father to the child (also asked me if I wanted her to abort, I said no)

 

She miscarried a week later.

 

She claimed it had one been one night with the OM. That sounded suspicious to me so I snooped like crazy. After three months of counseling, I found proof in her facebook private message logs that they had been in a serious affair for 4 months, hotels, lies, everything. I confronted her that night after putting our daughter to bed. She lied to my face until I read her the FB chat from her laptop. Even then she wouldn't say much until a counseling appointment the next day where she gave this weak story that really didn't tell me much that I hadn't already learned on my own. I felt I finally got the final pieces of the story by contacting the OM, he volunteered the story of the beginnings of the affair without me even asking. I was enraged that my WW hadn't said those things even after catching her on 3 months of lies in therapy. What a waste. The lies are the worst thing, cheaters are so stupid

[Steen719]

The lies are the worst thing' date='[b'] cheaters are so stupid [/b]

 

Ain't that just the truth?

[Spark1111]

Family reunion in another state when he accidentally took my cell phone and left me his phone as he went to the airport to pick up our teenage children.

 

I was playing scrabble with his sisters and the phone kept buzzing. Thinking it was our children, I discovered a text that would forever change my life. It read: "You are the one I want. You are the one I want to kiss. I want to reach my goals (financial) and take care of you and your child forever."

 

I went numb. He had disguised her as a Mr. on his phone and for about 10 seconds I thought he had a gay lover! Somehow I scored a 7-letter word on a triple word box.

 

It took every ounce of self-control to paste a sweet smile on my face for the next four days until we arrived home. Then I went into supersleuth mode tearing through bank statements and cell phone bills and confronted in a neutral place --the diner-- afraid I would be unable to control my rage.

 

And, oh boy, did he minimize it, as if it were recent while I had the proof it was not.

 

I gave him 48 hours to pack up his stuff and told him to go be with with the one he wanted. Buh-bye.

 

That turned out to be the last thing he wanted. Go figure.

[Spark1111]

In retrospect, she went crazy when we vacationed, according to the cell phone records.

 

Apparently, a man getting ready to leave his wife doesn't take her away on romantic weekends or vacay with the family.

[Owl]

Like everyone else...I'd suspected for a couple of weeks. I "knew" when I came home unexpectedly early on a Friday afternoon (intentionally) and she was struggling to close a chat window on her computer without letting me see the contents.

 

I deliberately stood over her shoulder for about five minutes, talking with her and waiting for her to bring the window up...but she didn't. Even asked if she could ask OM a question for me via chat, but said he wasn't at his computer at the moment. Finally, I relented...stepped back and when I turned back around the window was closed.

 

That was ok. Later that night I hacked her IM accounts and enabled logging. Later that weekend I installed a keylogger.

 

That Monday night, she refused to come to bed with me so that she could stay up gaming...with OM. That was my last straw...it had happened too many times.

 

Next morning I pulled all the logs and emailed them to myself. Dropped my son off at school and checked the emails when I got to work.

 

All the info I needed was right there.

[NotCamelot]

My W started getting up an hour and half earlier than needed. She would go to her computer in front of house. Never had done this before. And if using it on her lap in the evening, she had started turning the screen away from me. After 5 weeks, she accidentally left a FB page on the screen (not logged in) when I surprised her be coming into living room 30 minutes earlier than I would normally be out of bed. She tried to quickly close out everything. I did a quick look at a few things. When I got to work, I hacked into that FAKE facebook page she had created, and found a secret email account, hacked into that. Read the emails and FB messages to and from him.

 

Then I called him. Then I called her. Then I called his wife. Long day. Next morning was the NC call between them. Rebuilding since.....3 months later and actually we are happy with each other, maybe more than ever.

[Summer Breeze]

It was in the dark ages. You know, before computers were in every house and cell phones were on every hip. We all worked together. I didn't have any clues and I can't really remember anything he did to tip me off but I just knew. I confronted him with nothing and the look on his face said it all.

[BH37]

I suspected my wife had an affair around 1 year after we married, when I came home unexpectedly and she had a male "friend" over that worked with her. Looking back it was enough evidence I should have called her out on it right then, but without solid proof, I fell for her lies that he was just a friend. The suspicion never went away, it caused a lot of problems in our marriage for about 4 years, I would bring it up occasionally and would always get more lies, and she would accuse me of me being crazy and paranoid.

So when I finally had enough of the lies after 4 years, I picked up a recording device, and hooked it up to my phone system. I set the stage one night by starting a fight with her about the "friend" and how I thought there was more going on than what she was telling me. It took two days of comming home and listening to the recordings, in the crawlspace under the house, and bingo she was on the phone with her best friend asking her for advice on weather she should just come clean and tell me about her "cheating past". Her friend was always encouraging her to lie, to find out later I would have known years earlier had it not been for the friend who was full of bad advice. Now I had some evidence, there was no denying it at that point. My wife was speachless when I confronted her.

 

Funny how I could suspect something like that for 4 years, yet when the realization that she actually had an affair was like the biggest bombshell. I would have never imagined it would hit me so hard, I was destroyed.

[beenburned]

My H and his co-workers were serial cheaters who bragged to each other about their conquests.

 

All of the co-workers wives caught them and divorced them. One of these wives called me and told me what all they had been up to!

 

Since we were the only ones that had children, I eventually decided to give him

another chance. He changed completely, and we are still together almost 30 years after d-day.

[Woggle]

I came home early and found her in bed with another man. That guy got dressed and ran out the house so fast he might have set a record.

[mercy]

I came home early and found her in bed with another man. That guy got dressed and ran out the house so fast he might have set a record.

 

 

I can't believe he took the time to dress. You could have killed him.

[Woggle]

I can't believe he took the time to dress. You could have killed him.

 

He did it really fast. I would never go to a jail over a cheater though so he had nothing to worry about. He must stunk though because the bed reeked after it.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

I'm in the minority. My wife voluntarily confessed 8 years after her affair.

 

One Sunday evening I told her that a couple that we were friends with were getting a divorce. This was her lead in, and asked me what outsiders would say about our marriage. I responded with positive views. Any outsider looking in would think that we had a marriage to envy. Happily married for 10 years, both well-adjusted socially, rarely argued, two wonderful kids, etc.

 

She then asked me about the rough patch we experienced during the holidays of 1999. I responded that I rarely think about it. I had chalked it up to a bout of depression.

 

She then proceeded to confess to her 3 month long affair with her co-worker. She didn't go through that "funk" period because of depression, it was because she was banging her co-worker boyfriend. During this period she gave me a cold vibe, and would not engage me with conversation, sex was rare and brief. I repeatedly asked her what was wrong and got vague responses. All of the signs where there, I just didn't know the signs of adultery. I was young and looking back I see how naive I was in my 20's.

 

At that time (1999) the internet wasn't widely used (we had 56k dial-up at the time, LOL) so I didn't have emails, texting, and facebook to look into for clues. Her work schedule and my traveling made it easy for her to carry on behind my back.

 

At that time the possibility of an affair was not on my radar. We had been married for just over two years. If I had known the signs of an affair at that time, I would've been able to piece it all together.

 

Anyhow, it hit me hard! D-day was 4.5 years ago.

[BH37]

betrayednstayed,

Similar sitch in my WW's OMen were co-workers and D-day was years post affair. I found one of the hardest things to get over was the period from the affair to D-day all seemed to be a big lie- a sham. I wished I had learned of it earlier, or better wished it never happened. But, the things that happen to us in life make us who we are.

[Steen719]

Something from our earlier courtship days had always bugged me.

 

At a party, before we were married but were already serious, and I thought exclusive, I looked over across the room and saw my wife standing very close to a man I didn't know, looking up into his eyes, smiling at him, talking.

 

This was a party of her friends so I didn't know anyone else. I assumed he was some acquaintance of hers.

 

And at some point thereafter they simply disappeared. To this day I do not know what happened to them. They reappeared perhaps twenty minutes to a half hour later. (My wife claims to this day she does not remember this party, or this incident, at all.)

 

They resumed talking to each other, closer together than before.

 

Then I saw her tongue dart out and she ran it along her upper lip, smiling at him.

 

Then I saw them clasp hands together, very momentarily. If one were not keenly focused on what they were doing in that very busy room, it would probably not be noticed. It was a touching that was not meant to be noticed by anyone else.

 

At that point I had had it. I interrupted this cozy conversation and politely asked her to come speak with me privately. We found the spare bedroom with all the guests' coats piled on the bed.

 

We sat on the bed together, pushing the coats aside. Her eyes had a sort of glaze in them which I attributed to alcohol consumption. I read her the riot act. "Where did you disappear to? Who is that guy? Why were you flirting with him? I saw the way you licked your lips. I saw you hold his hand." I don't think I was yelling but I'm sure my voice wasn't calm.

 

Of course she denied everything. What was I talking about? But she seemed kind of downcast. She continued to deny.

 

Then I noticed something. I saw one of her hands was clenched. She was holding something inside it.

 

"What's in your hand? Open your fist." She resisted at first but had no choice.

 

Her hand uncurled slowly. Inside was a small torn scrap of paper. I looked at the paper. On the scrap was a quickly scrawled telephone number.

 

"This is his phone number isn't it?"

 

Yes it was. What else could she say? She had to admit it. But there were no ulterior motives, no sir.

 

I told her "I can't believe you would do this. You got divorced from your first husband because you cheated on him. I won't tolerate you doing this to me. Make up your mind RIGHT NOW how it's going to be or I AM OUT."

 

As far as I recall, chastened, she promised never to do anything like this again. I had always remembered this incident as the "defining moment" of our relationship--the moment when I had asserted myself, stood my ground, laid out my boundaries. Silly, naive ducksoup. (She doesn't remember any of an event that I believed to be a "defining moment." None of it. It's a blank. A complete blank. Yet she has no problem remembering all kinds of trivia from many years ago. A mystery.)

 

This party incident happened about 22 years ago.

 

As I said it had always bothered me. I knew something had happened during those missing 20 or 30 minutes. It must have. A make-out session? More than just a make-out session? It had to be more than just some flirtatious conversation. The body language that I've described makes it obvious that something physical had happened. I have no idea whether or not they'd been involved in some way before the party, or whether she'd just met him for the first time at that party (as suggested by taking his phone number). But she could never tell me because...it's a blank according to her.

 

From time to time during our marriage, I would probe about it. Always the same answer. A blank.

 

Now comes a fast forward/digression but I assure you it will all tie together--please be patient--

 

Finally three years ago, and I can't recall exactly what prompted me, I asked her to start shaving "down there." I'm sure I'd brought it up at least once or twice before during the marriage with no result. But I hadn't pushed the issue.

 

As I recall though when I brought it up again three years ago, her "bush" was somewhat unruly and it irritated me because it was interfering with me giving her oral. So I again asked her to shave pointing out the benefits to both of us.

 

 

 

Rather than start a fight over the issue, I decided to take the more subtle approach. During the week, I went to the drug store and purchased the full panoply of lady's hygeine paraphanalia--electric norelco lady's shaver, "venus" triple blade shavers, scissors, bikini wax, and some other things that are useful for feminine personal grooming. I can't even remember all the stuff that I bought. (Typical man, I just grabbed "one of everything" LOL). I think it ended up being about $50 worth of stuff. I put it all in a bag and put it inside of her closet where she would see it every day without fail. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her to "try it" without me arguing with her or pressuring her.

 

I also took the step of doing extensive "manscaping," something I had never done before. I figured sauce for the goose, sauce for the gander.

 

So the weekend rolls around, we are in bed, and....she hasn't done anything. The bag in her closet hasn't moved. She hasn't opened any of the things I bought for her even out of curiosity.

 

I was upset.

 

"Honey you must have seen the things I bought you. Why didn't you at least try out any of this stuff? I really think it would be an improvement. I even did it myself just to show you I practice what I preach."

 

 

She said--and this is a direct quote: "I will take it under advisement."

 

Double take.

 

"I will take it under advisement." That sounds kind of peremptory and arrogant, doesn't it? I think I was stunned at the amount of condescension in her voice. Stunned, and starting to get very pissed off. But I exercised self-control.

 

I can't remember if the actual ultimate confrontation was that day or maybe a few days later. We were getting ready for bed and my wife noticed I was a little "off" or "distant." (Most likely I was not looking forward to another long evening picking hairs out of my teeth.)

 

So again I played it subtle. I told her "I just think there's some kind of a wall between us. I think it's been there for our entire marriage but I can't put my finger on what it is. Are you sure you don't remember that time at the party when I caught you flirting with that guy and his phone number in your hand? Don't you remember that? Are you sure you've told me everything that happened that night?"

 

Once again, consistent to form, she drew a blank, denying she even knew what I was talking about. So disappointing for me. I didn't believe her. And her tone of condescension in responding to the seemingly-unrelated personal hygeine/shaving issue, told me something was not right at all.

 

There had been other occasions during our marriage where I sensed, almost by intuition, a "distance" between us, in circumstances where we should have been fully intimate. It was so subtle though it was almost below the range of conscious awareness. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was never a strong enough feeling, nor sustained for long enough, to clearly "leap" to attention. It had sort of been a running theme throughout the marriage.

 

I was troubled by all this and went to the living room to sit on the couch. "You go to bed, I can't sleep, I'll watch T.V."

 

My wife has always hated when I do this, I guess it makes her feel insecure. A little while later she comes out and asks: "What's the matter?"

 

"Like I said, I can't put my finger on it--I feel like there's a wall between us. That it's been there for the whole marriage. Like you're keeping a big secret from me. I think you're not telling the truth about that party. I'm sorry but I don't. And then when you told me "I'll take it under advisement" when I asked you to shave--that you were totally condescending to me. And then you didn't even bother trying any of things I bought. You totally disregarded me."

 

We went back and forth for a while, and she was becoming more and more agitated, because while I wasn't raising my voice or losing my temper, this time I wasn't letting go of this. That subtle feeling had finally come to full consciousness, after all these years.

 

I just kept repeating "I just have a feeling that there's a wall between us and you're keeping a secret from me. I think we could have a much better marriage if that wall wasn't there."

 

Finally she looked at me basically like a trapped animal, and with a definite amount of rage and hostility in her voice, said: "Allright. Do you really want to know the truth?"

 

My heart sank to the floor.

 

"Yes."

 

"Can you handle the truth?"

 

"Yes."

 

So she told me about her two affairs at the end of the first year of our relationship, before we were engaged but when we were serious and supposedly exclusive, while she was working for the summer in another city. I think she probably had more to tell but most likely the look of horror on my face caused her to cut herself short.

 

Of course there were a few more days of trickle truth.

 

And then a couple of weeks later is when she confessed that every time we had ever had sex, even on our honeymoon, she fantasized about other men. Every single time. But, according to her, that was O.K. since she only used the fantasies when it was time for her to have an orgasm.

 

To this day, though, she still denies even remembering "the party," much less the guy she was flirting and doing god knows what there with.

 

That one must be really bad. Maybe some day I'll find out just how bad.

 

Lucky me.

You are still with her?

[anne1707]

Rather than start a fight over the issue, I decided to take the more subtle approach. During the week, I went to the drug store and purchased the full panoply of lady's hygeine paraphanalia--electric norelco lady's shaver, "venus" triple blade shavers, scissors, bikini wax, and some other things that are useful for feminine personal grooming. I can't even remember all the stuff that I bought. (Typical man, I just grabbed "one of everything" LOL). I think it ended up being about $50 worth of stuff. I put it all in a bag and put it inside of her closet where she would see it every day without fail. I wanted to make it as easy as possible for her to "try it"

 

Good grief! If this is what you call subtle, it beggars belief what you would do if you were being direct.

 

As for the OP's question, I kept questioning my H - I just knew something was wrong. As for my affair (just to be balanced because I am sure some will want to attack me), I told my H - he did not have to discover it for himself.

[anne1707]

When I want to be direct, I like to send an

e-mail.

 

But in that particular situation, "direct" would have been telling her to

strip naked, get herself in the shower, and get herself lathered up. I didn't

feel that was necessary, but I guess I was wrong.

 

No. Buying her all the kit she needs is direct, nothing subtle about that whatsoever. In fact IMO it is rather controlling and a power game.

 

 

 

But you waited three years to tell him. This isn't an "attack." But it actually sounds like you're trying to compare your affair favorably to your husband's because you told him, ignoring the fact that it took you three years to tell him. And you also don't illuminate the purpose of the thread because you don't say what prompted you to tell him after all that time.

 

Not trying to compare at all. Also absolutely never ever used the excuse of revenge affair (even when my H as good as offered me that chance - I take full responsibility for what I did). As for why I told him - I could not lie to him anymore.

 

Also, even if you had to keep questioning him, eventually he did also tell you, same as you told him.

 

And as I said above, I do not compare/offset one affair against the other. I am just stating the truth. Simple as that.

 

Try to be a little bit less defensive next time.

 

I was not aware that I was being defensive. Obviously you have seen something that IMO is not there.

[Miss.Misunderstood]

Affirmative.

 

Did she ever shave?

[2sure]

There were signs I should have caught right away even when we were engaged. All the phone calls from "old girl friends". He was a public figure, a good catch, the old GFs annoyed me slightly but....we met and became engaged quickly. They couldn't know he was no longer available right? Besides, he persued me, he adored me. I was indifferent and then...I was crazy about him.

 

During the first year of our marriage I really wanted to know who he was texting all day and IMing all evening. We both were involved in the same profession, both worked non stop, both communicating constantly....but I worked with him and knew it was too much. I discovered him texting and IMing random women he met on line and old girlfriends. I was furious. If this is what he wanted why did he let me completely change my own and my daughters life to be with him?

He begged, cried, we went to MC. I realized that like many people in his field...he wasn't just comfortable with attention...he required it. We reconciled, I was happy.

 

But I never completely trusted him or my judgement after that. And I felt bad about it.

 

I communicated with him whenever I felt uncomfortable or insecure. He shared all of his accounts and passwords. We bought homes, we traveled, our careers flourished. We were tight, we were a great team, I loved him. Whenever I questioned any of his activities or communications...he made me realize I was still being insecure and paranoid. He understood that, and was patient with me.

 

Two years later I found out that he had a secret phone, a secret car, a secret laptop, and a standing hotel room in a city 2 hours away. He was a serial cheater.

 

I woke him up in our bed and stuffed a handful of feces in his mouth.

 

We did not reconcile. I'll be divorced 2 years this month.

I am still recovering.

[frozensprouts]

It took me a long time to figure out what was going on, as I was pretty trusting and naive.

He met her at work, and she started emailing him ( I saw the first email, as he showed it to me and thought it was kind of weird that she'd email him at hoe like that). The emails progressed to Facebook chats, then really long Facebook chats, etc. He painted her as "just a friend", and I believed him, as I trusted him and couldn't understand what possible interest a single woman would have in a married guy.

It went on like that for a while, and finally I'd had enough...I still didn't think that he was cheating, just spending way too much time on line,at the expense of everything else. I asked him to stop and explained why, and he agreed to it, but wanted to take her out for coffee to explain to her why he couldn't chat online anymore ( said she was a "friend" ( pffttt...) and didn't want to hurt her feelings.

Things were weird between us for a few days, but he didn't chat online with her. Then he got an email from her saying she was having some kind of crisis, and he asked if i'd mind if he went to help her...he came back from her place about five hours later and told me the whole "i love you but I'm not in love with you" line, and said he was moving out...guess where he went? ( the first two guesses don't count:laugh:)

He still had to come home to work online ( we have some kind of secured line that he needed for his work) and accidentally left his Facebook logged on when he left the computer...I logged on and there was a letter from him to her that pretty much made everything clear...

 

To this day I still feel like a "grade A moron" for not seeing what was going on in front of me, but I loved ( still do) him and trusted him and thought he felt the same...