evewasframed Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I've been married for 15 years and having an affair for more than two years now. This isn't my first affair, but it puts the others in the shade. I had two flings, in years 5 and 8 of my marriage. Current OM is married and ten years older than me with two kids, like me. I was bored in my marriage since early on. For the past ten years I have been really miserable. Like I said, I had a couple of short-term flings, but then met OM/MM and realised I had never loved before - not even my H. OM always said he loved me too and would one day be with me, but recently his wife found out and he threw me under the bus. He said he couldn't leave his kids. I begged him to keep the affair going as I thought I would die without him, and he agreed so long as I did not put too much pressure on him, so we still talk about meeting again when we can. The trouble is, since OM made it clear he is staying in his marriage I've been feeling hopeless. I can't face ending the affair and having nothing to live for. I can't face ending my marriage and being alone and despised by everybody. I've read a lot about marriages that are saved after affairs. The problem is I dont think we had anything to save in the first place. Is it possible to make a marriage that was never that good, good now? How on earth would I go about doing that? Please don't tell me to confess the affair as I can't see how that would help anything. Please help. I feel desperate. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 So um, you want help but you don't want to: A) confess the affair B) commit to/save your marriage C) divorce D) OM isn't an option, there is no more affair. Um..... Take up fishing? I mean hey, why not? You're at a stalemate with everything else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 As for something to live for.....how about making up for list time that you've spent on the affair with your CHILDREN. Link to post Share on other sites
Author evewasframed Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 I would like to at least explore saving the marriage. I don't know how anybody really does this. Can it really be done? Link to post Share on other sites
Author evewasframed Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 As for something to live for.....how about making up for list time that you've spent on the affair with your CHILDREN. Yes I can do this I suppose, but children do not make up for the gaping hole in my love life. How do I fill that void? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Can be done. Absolutely, but to be lukewarm going in..... Have you heard of the Laws of Thermodynamics? I believe it's the second one that talks of efficiency. For every reaction there is a loss of energy via heat. No reaction is 100% efficient. So if you go in 50%, you are going to get less then 50% results back. Going in 100% committed until things get better is the only real fair shot something like this has, who knows how efficient the reactions in your marriage will go? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I would like to at least explore saving the marriage. I don't know how anybody really does this. Can it really be done? I don't think it can be done while continuing the deceit of your affair. However, there are a few people who post here and are trying that route. Personally, I always feel sorry for them and would be surprised if they are still married in 5 years - meanwhile they have what seems to me to be a shallow, deceitful marriage and would probably be better off getting divorced now than waiting. That is my opinion. Maybe if you post a thread titled "How to have a happy, lasting marriage while keeping your past affairs secret", it will attract some like-minded folk and you can compare notes. One thing you have to deal with is not getting into another affair if you try to stay married while keeping your other affairs secret. As you learned, it is not easy changing into an honest and faithful spouse while continuing the deceit. Another thing I have not seen people have any long-term success with. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Yes I can do this I suppose, but children do not make up for the gaping hole in my love life. How do I fill that void? Ah, to be blunt, no one can have every part of their life filled from the outside. It's a common human illusory ideal. What lacks in your love life? The excitement? Affection? Comfort? Validation? With most that stray it's validation or company. Most of us are "missing" something and that's actually a part of the path to being self-sufficient and happy. We realize that we weren't truly promised the "ideal" to begin with so we are grateful for everything we have. Once we develop gratitude and we give that gratitude back to the source, all of a sudden we make room for some of those things we felt we were missing. Then we aren't dependent on them anymore. You hitched yourself to a dream saying "if I don't have that missing piece, it isn't worth living." yet, you may have the whole rest of the puzzle. Or you may find out that you have only dropped the piece and need to pick it up again, instead of borrowing from someone else's puzzle. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 Yes I can do this I suppose, but children do not make up for the gaping hole in my love life. How do I fill that void? That void is probably a lack of real intimacy which I don't think you can achieve with such important and ongoing deceit. You can't have anything. If you want a deceitful marriage, it's going to be lacking in intimacy. You just can't open up completely while trying to hide that elephant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author evewasframed Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Ah, to be blunt, no one can have every part of their life filled from the outside. It's a common human illusory ideal. What lacks in your love life? The excitement? Affection? Comfort? Validation? With most that stray it's validation or company. Most of us are "missing" something and that's actually a part of the path to being self-sufficient and happy. We realize that we weren't truly promised the "ideal" to begin with so we are grateful for everything we have. Once we develop gratitude and we give that gratitude back to the source, all of a sudden we make room for some of those things we felt we were missing. Then we aren't dependent on them anymore. You hitched yourself to a dream saying "if I don't have that missing piece, it isn't worth living." yet, you may have the whole rest of the puzzle. Or you may find out that you have only dropped the piece and need to pick it up again, instead of borrowing from someone else's puzzle. Are you saying be happy with what I have? But I wasn't happy before, otherwise I wouldn't have had the first fling, then the others. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I don't think it can be done while continuing the deceit of your affair. However, there are a few people who post here and are trying that route. Personally, I always feel sorry for them and would be surprised if they are still married in 5 years - meanwhile they have what seems to me to be a shallow, deceitful marriage and would probably be better off getting divorced now than waiting. That is my opinion. Maybe if you post a thread titled "How to have a happy, lasting marriage while keeping your past affairs secret", it will attract some like-minded folk and you can compare notes. One thing you have to deal with is not getting into another affair if you try to stay married while keeping your other affairs secret. As you learned, it is not easy changing into an honest and faithful spouse while continuing the deceit. Another thing I have not seen people have any long-term success with. I've seen it done but it takes a very odd mix of traits. It needs to be absolutely compartmentalized and that part of the lacking of character extinguished. It also needs to be for a strong enough reason so it doesn't come out in a fit of guilt. The person must also be self-compassionate and compassionate with their spouse. They must have a high level of self-awareness and commitment to never cheat again. I think it can be done BUT it would be incredibly rare and require the person to have the traits that caused them to cheat, flipped upside down. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 That void is probably a lack of real intimacy which I don't think you can achieve with such important and ongoing deceit. You can't have anything. If you want a deceitful marriage, it's going to be lacking in intimacy. You just can't open up completely while trying to hide that elephant. Won't let me edit, but should be you can't have EVERYTHING. You can have some things - like secrecy/deceit and less intimacy or openness/honesty and more intimacy - but maybe your H would choose to divorce instead. Take your pick. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 1, 2012 Share Posted August 1, 2012 I've seen it done but it takes a very odd mix of traits. It needs to be absolutely compartmentalized and that part of the lacking of character extinguished. It also needs to be for a strong enough reason so it doesn't come out in a fit of guilt. The person must also be self-compassionate and compassionate with their spouse. They must have a high level of self-awareness and commitment to never cheat again. I think it can be done BUT it would be incredibly rare and require the person to have the traits that caused them to cheat, flipped upside down. I haven't seen it myself. Did they actually manage an intimate marriage of the type most people want, or was it more of marriage with boundaries which didn't let the two spouses really open up to each other? Even with compartmentalization, unless one is mentally ill, I don't see how one can be that open and intimate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author evewasframed Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 Not while still lying to your spouse...but hey what do I know, I filed for divorce. Did you have the affair, or were you the betrayed? Why did you file for divorce? Did you ever think you could rescue your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
GLDheart Posted August 2, 2012 Share Posted August 2, 2012 Why don't you leave your marriage. By your own admission, you don't love the man: ...realised I had never loved before - not even my H... Don't look back. Just make fair arrangements for your children. Mourn the loss of the one real relationship you seem to have ever valued: Your current OM. Then go be single. Yep. No crutch of your flawed marriage to prop you up. Just you. Now you can go out and look for true love like normal people... However, If you want a real chance for success, this time stay away from married men. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 4, 2012 Share Posted August 4, 2012 It has to possible. You have a life together, children together. That's sounds like a foundation, however flawed, that you can try to build with. But the thing is, the thing you've been missing...marriage is a partnership, a team....you have to navigate all of life together as one. Is that a concept you can wrap your head around? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm asking because for the longest time...I didn't completely get that. Anyway, I think if you can both come together and really form one marriage...thats when you get to the real love, the real intimacy. And Im guessing for the two of you to build a genuine life...all the cards have to be on the table. What the hell. Go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
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