Wife having emotional affair; just left her

[seekingclarity]

My wife has been having an emotional affair since the beginning of November. I've been bothered by it since then, so in that sense I wasn't in denial. But its taken me this long to finally really do something about it. Also, it was only this past week that I "googled" the words "emotional affair" and was really taken back by how much I (and her) were playing out the patterns of so many other people. (Us humans like to think we're so unique.)

 

I can really see now how much she is in denial, as well as me (about her affair). As I said above, I've been bothered by it since day one, but I tried various failing strategies, such as trying to compete with the guy, trying to fix our relationship or show here how much I want to be there for her, being angry on a daily basis, etc. From what I've read - and this is pretty universal - she's in an addictive situation, and those methods will not work, no more than they would work on an alcholic.

 

The traits of her relationship are so familiar to what I've read here, and elsewhere, that I won't repeat them, at least not now. "He listens to me", "I'm not going to sleep with him", blah blah blah.

 

Where I am now: I left our house last night. I made clear that I loved her, but could not continue the way we were. That she must stop her relationship completely, and then we can do counseling to work throught what just happened, and then do counseling to work on our deeper marriage issues.

 

Anyway, she is still deep in denial. My logical mind tells me that I cannot expect anything otherwise for a while. If she did "come to her senses" tomorrow, my gut tells me that I shouldn't trust it. If she is so deep in self delusion and denial, it will take time for her to work it out.

 

However, I also know that my leaving is the first real step I've taken against the EA. Prior to this point, I've done lots of complaining and nagging, but never left. So, deep down, she still felt the validation to "have her cake and eat it too" or continue the illusion that her EA is not threatening the marriage.

 

Already, she is "lashing out", i.e. showing some anger and frustration at my leaving. Her line is that I "didn't give her enough warning", because allegedly if I did, she would have had time to rearrange her life. This is obviously unfair, and I told her that my life has been in turmoil for the last 3.5 months.

 

I also recognize that some of her argumentativeness is just an attempt to keep me engaged in any way possible. At best, she (perhaps subconsciously) hopes I'll get scared by her bark and come running back, or at the least, that I stay involved with her, even in the perverse way or arguing with her daily. My psych. profession friend told me the important thing is to stay away for this period, and let her feel the loss and absence.

 

So, I guess I'm lookin for some feedback, encouragement. I feel like I've done the right thing, but I get my doubts many times during the day. Logically, I know its right to be separate now, in the hope that I break through her cloud of denial. But its still a challenge emotionally, all the time.

 

Thanks.

[brashgal]

She definitely needs to break off all contact with him - hopefully he isn't someone she works with. Even so it is recommended she quits her job, anything to cut all ties. Then she needs to do whatever to make you comfortable that nothing is going on - letting you check her email, cell phone, checking in by phone, whatever to satisfy your need to be reassured that she is no longer involved with him.

 

If she doesn't cut off all ties it is very difficult to get past this because there is the tendency to fall back into the old pattern of providing each other emotional support and it very often escalates to a physical affair.

 

I don't know if you did the right thing by leaving - maybe you felt that that was the one way of showing her that you really meant business. If you stay away, will it make it easier for her to continue to be dependent on him? Something to think about.

 

My condolences. Hopefully you have had the chance to search the site and read how others have gotten past this. Some marriages are able to survive. Many recommend reading through <URL removed> also. They have some good info on recovering from infidelity.

[SoleMate]

Your leaving may have been rather sudden. Are you saying that if she continues the EA, your marriage is over? I think that's premature, since you did not mention counselling. A counsellor can help you two rebuild intimacy. The lack of intimacy is what led to the EA. Your wife mentioned a need for being listened to. But you're right, it will be very hard for your wife to give this guy up. (BTW, the fellow may be a nice guy who likes to listen to lonely women, or he could be a player/user who has learned that the surest way to get a woman into bed is to let herself talk her way in.)

 

And please do check with a lawyer about the implications of you leaving your home. It's a loud wakeup call for your wife, but it may have legal consequences for you.

 

BTW, your wakeup call is loud, but it's not specific. You're definitely sending the message that you have a problem, but it's not clear to me what your wife is supposed to do now. Please see a counselor and do check out <URL removed> as suggested elsewhere.

 

Good luck!

[Skittles]

Where I am now: I left our house last night. I made clear that I loved her, but could not continue the way we were. That she must stop her relationship completely, and then we can do counseling to work throught what just happened, and then do counseling to work on our deeper marriage issues.

 

I agree with Solemate, I think leaving the house, at this point, to shake her up, might have been a little rash and could possibly make things worse, imo.

 

She might turn to him with her pain to an even greater degree, and the ea could become physical...something you do not want to happen.

 

I understand your position on this matter, she must end this relationship with him because it is threatening to your marriage but a clear head and strategy is a must in this matter.

 

Your wife many not respond to your actions as hoped or predicted by your psychologist friend and from what I have seen, "friends" often give the worst advice in situations like these.

 

Imo, you must keep a cool head and be supportive...as hard as that sounds..blaming and threatening your wife will drive her away especially if this guy has done this before and knows the moves to get what he wants, is a player in other words, you may have actually created more trouble for yourself as a result of this move.

 

You may have "played your hand" much too soon...I realize this sounds crass, this is not a game, but alot of times,

how a "mid-life crisis "affair ...or any affair is handled, can make or break a marriage.

 

 

...staying away to let her feel the loss and absence?....He will console her....be careful!

 

 

Good Luck.

[seekingclarity]

Thanks for your responses. I guess I should have put in more detail.... I don't think my step was too rash. Let me give more of the history that supports this:

 

She does not work with the guy. He lives in Florida and we live in Boston. She met him through her (female) best friend on a visit down there. The contact is primarily extensive cell phone calls and emails on a daily basis. She has regularly has long calls with him while I'm in the house. In that sense she is not totall secretive about it, however because he and her speak the same second language, they speak in that instead of English. So, there's covering going on there.

 

She consistently goes over her minutes on her plan, the cell bills are over $1,000. The fact that she can't control her minutes after several months of this, shows her lack of self control. In January, she called him at least 200 times (I have the bills), to his job, house and work.

 

He was allegedly "married". She finally admitted a few weeks ago that he is separated and has his own place.

 

She had planned to return to FL in March for her female friend's birthday, a trip she is still doing next week. She went and had an additional trip to FL at the end of January. She claimed it wasn't about seeing the guy, but it clearly was.

 

In December, I tried the "understanding" route: I acknowledged her emotional needs, I acted in ways (including gifts) that were a lot nicer than I had been acting in the past. I let her know that I didn't want to lose her. For a short time, she was responsive. Then she backed off and shut down. I think, in effect, I was attempting to compete. She kept saying that I was trying too hard or harder than her. I think the pressure of that, as well as the holidays and family, got to her.

 

In early January, she told me she no longer wanted to be intimate. We still sleep in the same bed, but essentially act like polite roommates. Aroudn that time she had two STD tests done. Whether she did something with the guy, or whether she is convinced that I am screwing around (as some justification for her actions), the fact that she kept this testing a secret shows how little trust and communciation there is between us.

 

More recently, there was Valentine's Day. I decided to get her her favorite chocolates, not really out of any sense of feelings between us, but just in case she got me something, and more importantly, to NOT let the precedent occur of our first VDay in ten years without anything exchanged between us.

 

However, she got me nothing. But she sent him an e-card about how she thinks about him several times a day, how she misses him "more than he can know". It had hearts and flowers on it, and said almost everything but "love" (she signed it "yours truly").

 

So, her life (me, 2 kids) is up here. He's down there. There's no work situation or anything that can give the easy excuse of "I'm going to run into him" "I can't avoid seeing him". I've made very clear my objections, my being hurt, my being angry, over the last 3 1/2 months. Nothing seems to get through. I either get silence or she "blows smoke" - i.e says something to basically distract me from the point I was making.

 

Thanks.

[Fritz]

Wow, SC that sucks. I can understand why you left but with 2 kids I don't think its the best idea to leave them, that could really hurt you later on. As mentioned above, talk to a lawyer about this and a counselor as well.

[Skittles]

In early January, she told me she no longer wanted to be intimate. We still sleep in the same bed, but essentially act like polite roommates. Aroudn that time she had two STD tests done. Whether she did something with the guy, or whether she is convinced that I am screwing around (as some justification for her actions), the fact that she kept this testing a secret shows how little trust and communciation there is between us.

 

 

This changes my understanding of your situation alot. I am sorry you are going thru this seekingclarity.

 

It sounds like your wife may already be in a physical affair with him as well ....

 

She doesn't seem very interested in your marriage at this time, by what you have added to your story.

If she is heading back down to FL. next week, she will probably hook up with him if she has the opportunity.

 

Remain out of the house? Well that is still a hard call to make because you have children to consider, and their mom is obviously pre-occupied at this time.

 

Perhaps a separation is the only recourse, but as suggested before, please examine the legal ramifications of leaving a household with children.

 

My plan would also include getting as much legal guidance as possible along with family counseling since your wife is basically A.W.O.L.

[seekingclarity]

Just to be clear, I'm staying with my folks. So its not like I moved out to another apartment, etc. However, I did want her to take this seriously, so I did tell her that I "didn't know" when I'll be back.

 

I made clear that I love her and want to make the marriage work; I'm not abandoning her or the house "forever"... but that nothing can be addressed in our marriage until she ends the relationship with him. Then, we can do counseling over this EA, and then counseling over the broaded issues in our marriage. I even asked for her for a different option, suggestions as to "how things were going to get better". She had none (i.e. silence/no response). The fact that she didn't suggest, for example, that I not leave, and that we do counseling, is teling.

 

BTW, I should have mentioned earlier that she attended 2 marriage counseing sessions in early January and then refused to attend any more. Her excuse for that was her anger when I told her that I had done some snooping on her in order to discover the truth.

 

The kids are with me at this moment, and will be with me part of the week. I was raised in shared custsody myself, so I know how its done. (Put another way, neither me nor my wife would envision a separation to mean me leaving her and the kids and running off on my own.)

 

The older child stays at his grandparents a lot already, thus its not completely shocking to him to be here.

[Benedict]

Smell that? That's the coffee...

 

Wake up and smell it!!

 

STD test?!? WTF? Are you kidding me? From experience, I can tell you thet where there's smoke, there's fire. But you know what else? An emotional affair is more of a betrayal than a physical one. That kind of shared intimacy is way more of a betrayal. The physical just makes it worse and more gut-wrenching.

 

I feel for you; I have been there. I think your approach is probably the correct one - at least as far as putting it to the point where you might be able to fix it. But! It might not work. I learned that there is no way whatsoever to compete with another guy like that. Think of all the passion-draining, stress-causing stuff that is a normal part of everyday life in a marriage - paying bills, kids, too much to do, too little time in which to do it. Even stuff like being together gets to a point of hum-drum after a few years (for some). Guess what? He has none of those associations for her. He is all easy, fun, no-responsibility and even *gasp* taboo. That is a powerful combination.

 

So... rather than compete, I think your approach may be the best. "See what you have to lose if I am not around?!?"

 

BUT - and this is a mighty big BUT - heed the advice of others here about learning the consequences of leaving her (and the kids, I don't care where they sleep) in that house. There ARE legal consequences in some states (Virginia is one for certain I know). So, your tactic MAY work to keep it together, but if it doesn't, you may be up a large, deep body of stinky water with no means of propulsion...

[Skittles]

*sniff-sniff* :

 

Smell that? That's the coffee

 

 

 

Seekingclarity, Benedict nailed this.

 

I have to agree with him.

 

I tell my lady posters and I say the same to you.

 

 

 

You deserve better.

[brashgal]

You did the right thing. Just make sure you are covered as far as the kids are concerned. I've been in your place - it's wicked uncomfortable. Best of luck with whatever decision you make.

[lostsoulinboston]

Hi there. I'm going through the same thing where my wife is having EA but with someone at work. Check my post. You can email me maybe we can support each other...by god I need it.

[BabyDeathStrike25]

I think I read in your post that you have two children. I'm sorry I'm a big avid fan of Dr. Laura and if I were you I would collect evidence against your immoral wife ( i dont mean to be harsh but it's true.) kick her out of your home and keep physical and legal custody of your children to limit their interaction with a women who only thinks of her own selfish needs. Emotional affairs are just as bad as sexual ones because your time and love is going somewhere it should not.

Your wife is a bad example for your children and for her to continue to disrespect you in your home and disreguard you as if you have no feelings imho is cruel. You can be firm and stand your ground. If this is what she wants let her go. She will at some point most likely see her mistake then its up to you to decide whether what you have is worth saving. I pass no judgement on people who stay with an unfaitful spouse. If you don't feel good about it then I would listen to my gut. It will be hard but you can do it. With children counting on you you have no choice.

[missinhim]

I cannot condone what your wife is doing but I have been in the addictive state myself.

 

Seeking things I didn't have in my marriage.

 

I have tried all kinds of things and 30 years later, I still have feelings/contact with him.

 

My husband suspected something but I didn't admit the whole truth.

 

She may just be having a fling she didn't get to have earlier in life. I think all people have to examine themselves and if they do not do it right out of High School, there will come a time in their life when they will bolt and say, "who am I really" and "what do I really want"?

 

I don't know the answer and I wish you the best. You have children, that changes things.

[TigerEyes]

Originally posted by Benedict An emotional affair is more of a betrayal than a physical one. That kind of shared intimacy is way more of a betrayal. The physical just makes it worse and more gut-wrenching.

 

 

 

oh wow, you are so correct!

[thirtysomething]

"In December, I tried the "understanding" route: I acknowledged her emotional needs, I acted in ways (including gifts) that were a lot nicer than I had been acting in the past. I let her know that I didn't want to lose her."

 

Please please - first thing's first - she is very likely in love with this guy (at least she thinks she is) and she is very likely sleeping with him. Don't doubt it - read between the lines you already know the truth!

 

Now - the other perspective....... I've been in your wife's shoes, and it was the most shameful place I've ever been. I cannot speak to how you have treated her - but your post made me think - "a lot nicer than I had been acting in the past" I believe you said. My now "ex" husband used to physically abuse me and I became involved with (emotional affair) with someone I had met on a business trip. Oh you've heard it all - "he understands me" - "he listens to me" - "he 'connects' with me" blah blah blah. Well, believe me - HE DOES! The emotional affair is the most dangerous and most destructive of all, especially for women. Women love with their deepest emotions - we absolutely MUST have connection with a man to feel close - and we must feel close to feel "in love".

 

Let me make a long story short - I left my husband for this guy - moved in with him and planned to marry - two years later (ex and I had a 4 yr old) I became pregnant with the emotional affair guy. Guess what? I was thrown out on my A _ S - pregnant - no job (had relocated to be with him) and no place to live. This was my "soulmate"!

 

I suspect your wife has these very very real needs for emotional intimacy. I have since become a Christian, have re-married a wonderful man who loves me, and remember the lessons I learned from my affair. Before you leave - you must be absolutely certain you are fulfilling (or at the very least trying your HARDEST to fulfill) her need for emotional closeness.

 

When life happens as it always will, these needs for women often become very difficult to fulfill and I've heard time and time again - (from my female friends) - "If I just gave up on having sex and fulfilling my husband I swear he'd eventually leave me - but he couldn't give a hoot about my deepest need - real intimacy".

 

True intimacy (the thing she thinks she has with this guy) is created, nurtured, broken, re-created, on and on - IT"s HARD WORK! Affairs are the most difficult thing the rebound from, but it can happen. You have a child together, please before you leave for good - be cretain you've not ignored this very real, very powerful emotional need of your wife's. Again, never condoning what she's done, but recalling the power and addiction I felt when I thought I finally found it.

 

Best of lcuk to you - God bless.

[smithrehr1]

well, this is a 1sst for me. I am deepfully sad for you. I have been marride for 13 and dated for 6 years. My wife is also having an affair. Now i think she is also seeing our neighbor. Cell hone records. She is very perrty. Size 2 or zero 5 11 115 a modle & teacher. We have thre children 12, 10, 9. She lives for them, or use to. She is 42. Mide life crisis. She has changed completly. She wants to be free, go where she wants when she wants and ask noone for permission. Even our kids ask, wheres mom? Well mom is being ubfaithfull. I knew someting was different. Sex wasn't as offten or as good. She went from great sex to wanting to give bj's with not intercourse. I started to follow here and get cell records. I talk to her 20 minutes a dat about fammily life and what needs to be done. She talks on the phione to him 480 minutes + a month.

 

Any way, I do love her. She has been my life and our children are the best. The are messed up because there cousins are from a divorced family that is really bad. Our middle daughter found a note I wrote to my with she was uppest for two days because she thought we were mad at each other. If she only new. Her family is noticing a difference in our behavior, so now i am an achoholic. If you haven't figured it out yet, i can't spell. It's a mess. I will stand by her side as lond as possible, hopeing she'll find her way home.

 

Here is a big deal for you. This is my second marridge. The fist time I felt bad and moved out. Gave up the house and everything else becuause of self pitty. Your ok, you did noting wrong. Why are you out of your house. She can leave or stat untill you make a final desision. Don't give it all way, eaqspesally your self worth.