Love addicts and affairs

[jlola]

I too am afraid of dealing with someone who appears to be everything I need. Trusting, feeling safe. Then they change. I am realizing many men and women have unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is. Many men and women do not understand relationship stages and our society have made many into "love addicts" It seems the more drama the experience gives, the better the roller coaster ride, the more pain ,anxiety,uncertainty ,highs and lows we get, the more we perceive it as love. Safety and comfort have become boring to many. But the natural progression to a relationship is safety and comfort. Many don't want that. They are seeking the natural adrenaline we get high off when we fall in love with a new partner.

 

Infidelity:Is it love or love addiction?

January 19, 2012 By Jeff Murrah 2 Comments

 

Is the Affair Love or Love Addiction?

 

By Jeffrey D. Murrah

 

When you start a new relationship, even an affair, there is excitement. In the case of an affair, there is the excitement of learning about someone new along with the excitement that goes with engaging in activities that are seen as secret or ‘forbidden’. You may experience an adrenalin rush by doing enjoying doing something that is ‘forbidden’. The reality of enjoying the taboo is even validated in the Bible even mentions that “bread eaten in secret is sweet”. There is something about engaging in that which forbidden which you may find alluring. You have the excitement of a new relationship PLUS the additional adrenalin rush of doing something taboo. This double dose of excitement makes the experience very emotionally intense.

 

The strong intensity of emotions, besides making you feel good, has some other effects. The extra strong intensity or double-dose, often triggers reactions in the brain chemistry. This double-dose of excitement is caused by a combination of neurons sending out chemical messages combined with secretions being made by glandular systems as well. The excitement you feel is actually about brain chemistry.

 

Modern science is finding that the ideas that have been known in addiction communities for many years does have solid biological foundations. The changes in brain chemistry begin a process where you may want that level same double-dose of stimulation again. Without a lengthy explanation of the brain chemistry involved in “falling in love”, the simple explanation is you enjoys the feel-good sensation and want more of it.

 

 

Love addicts often engage in relationships for the chemical 'high' that relationships bring with them.

 

It is not unusual that when in acute withdrawal that love addicts show physical symptoms. These may include the following;

 

vomiting or diarrhea

anxiety

depressed mood

joint pain

body aches

confusion

cramps

memory problems

concentration problems

crying spells

low energy

obsessive thinking

sensitive skin

 

If you are one of those who want ‘more’ of those feel-good sensations, you may find that the high of the sensation is actually stronger than your desire for the person you want the relationship with. The desire for ‘more’, is what often leads to the development of addictions to love and affairs.

 

If you find yourself repeating certain behaviors over and over with the intention of seeking after a particular sensation to where the drive for the sensation takes over, you may need to evaluate what is going on.

 

Although it sounds extreme to some segments of the population, there is a phenomena known as ‘love addiction”. Those afflicted with it are often seeking the strong blast of feel good brain chemicals associated with falling in love rather than the long term commitment. They are chasing the ‘high’ that goes with love rather than love itself.

 

Here is how the mind of a love addict works.

 

When they see a perspective person, they begin fantasizing. The fantasies are replayed repeatedly. They picture themselves with their target person. They feel driven that they ‘must have’ that person, no matter what. Even if they are married, or it puts their health at risk, they must have their target person.

 

The fantasies are often accompanied by purchases associated with a new relationship. They may use terms like “they are the love of my life” or “they make life worth living’. Such statements often exaggerate the significance of the relationship.

 

Even before they meet the ‘love of their life’, their adrenalin and other brain chemicals are working overtime after being triggered by expectations. Their fantasies about what the new lover will be like, propels them into an emotional frenzy.Even though they may have never met the person they fantasize about, in their mind, Mr/Mrs Wonderful will make all things roses and sunshine. The fantasy person will fix all their huts.

 

These people find themselves reacting without thinking. Their thinking often becomes obsessive. While in this state, they are in a form of hypnotic trance. These love addicts are more focused on romance than sex.

 

With the love/romance addict, there are often periods when they will swear off relationships. This is only temporary. Soon they find the right person and they are once again in the midst of extreme behaviors. They never seem to learn from their mistakes and repeat a relationship binge and purge cycle. Some love addicts report being ‘bored’ with traditional relationships, and actively seek out extreme relationships. What these love addicts find is that they often discover that they excuse dangerous or unacceptable behaviors and keep seeking relationships that are ‘more’ extreme. They find themselves drawn to partners that are increasingly abusive and cling to those relationships despite the possible dangers.

The Reality of Sexual Addiction

 

“Addictions can only exist where there are contradictions“-Patrick Carnes

 

“All sins tend to be addictive, and the terminal point of addiction is damnation“.

-W. H. Auden

 

Understanding love addicts and sexual addicts is important in dealing with affairs. Love addiction appears more with females, whereas sexual addictions are more prevalent among males. These are not exclusive categories, just gender prevalence with them. In each case, the stimulation of hormones are a major factor in their addictions.The hormone phenylethlamine (PEA) is a major culprit in these addictive processes. Although PEA is a major factor, other hormones also play a role in the development of addictions.Some of the other hormones include dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine. Together they form a powerful chemical cocktail that changes human behavior. Along with changing the behavior, they change the way you think and feel.

 

Often times the affair is not driven by a dislike of the spouse, but rather by the addictive processes driven by the hormones mentioned above, that are going on with their spouse. Responding to such compulsive behavior as in the love addict or sex addict requires a different approach than dealing with someone who is looking to scratch a seven year itch. Although the public often jokes about sex addicts, those afflicted with sex or love addiction suffer miserably. Sexual acts are about performing and seeking a release as part of a cycle rather the enjoyment of enjoying another person in the act of love.

Filed Under: sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs

Comments

[Spark1111]

Well, you always find amazing articles jlola, and I couldn't agree more.

 

Psychiatrist: On either side of your families has there been multiple wives, multiple husbands, gambling, alcoholism, drug addiction, frequent job changes or losses, financial instability, mental illnesses, including ADHD, bi-polar, and depression, possibly undiagnosed?

 

And there you have it!

 

Those of us who lived through infidelity, dday, talk of the fog and of de-fogging after NC is FIRMLY in place.

 

And it is like watching a drug addict withdraw from their drug.

 

I was always amazed about what he couldn't recount about her and almost two years of our life.

 

She was nice and kind; her xH was a bast#@! She was smart. She had a lot of problems she wanted me to help her with. We went to a carnival once and a had a good time. She wanted more but I knew I wasn;t leaving you. It was secret and forbidden, lots of drama and chaos, and the sex was hot, hot, hot, yet still kinda boring.

 

She wanted me and gave me TONS of attention while seeking little in return. That was a turn on too.

 

Huh? Twenty texts a day and that is the best you can come up with? Truly? That's it?

 

Whatever wasn't important to feeding the addiction was simply that....unimportant and unmemorable. Even the passionate texts were simply a means to an end: You're wonderful too. Now let's go to bed.

 

AYE, YAY, YAY!

[Furious]

I saddens me that you are afraid to love jlola.

 

Unfortunately you have seen first hand what betrayal can do to a family.

And there are so many people hurting here on this forum.

It's easy to see why love and trust is a big question mark.

 

Like another poster who came up with a huge list of precautions and rules so that he can avoid ever being betrayed, just shows how scary it can be.

 

I trusted and lost. But I will not give up on love, I won't let fear rule me. I want to love again but next time I will be wiser.

 

((((hugs))))

[jlola]

Thank you S;ark and furious. It is scary. i think love addiction is prevalent. I know it is so hard to understand and when you are the target you really do believe you are so special and they will have you believe you can trust them 110%. I have heard so many peole say their spouse seemed so loyal, everyone would think they would be the last person to have affair.

 

I remember reading a book that said more dangerous than the philandered with his fly perpetually open is the romance addict. Because he will fall hard and wreck havock on his marriage for the affair. He simply gives his all for that high. Then years later when he wakes out of his fog and sees the destruction in his wake he is sad. Bit it is often too late to fix the marriage as the spouse loses respect at his foolish teenage behavior towards affair partner who he sees with rose colored glasses.

 

How do you know who will be prone to be a love addict? It explains so much of the foolish behavior I have witnessed. These people acting ;ike virtual teenagers and willing to do anything for love.

 

I had read long ago jennifer Lopez is a love addict and I remembered that because her behavior reminds me of my sister and father. Now it is evident to everyone. She is willing to look foolish,let her reputation take a hit,support some 25 year old guy,allow him to meet her kids before divorce is over,parade him around like a prize. You can see she is deeply in a fog.

 

In a couple of years she will wake up and wonder what the heck she saw in an average looking guy young enoufh to be her son,who looks way too cocky for his own good. To top it off he is so NOT CUTE!!! But thinks he is. It is crazy when you are the outsider looking in.

 

But each time she was convinced this is "the one"!!!! you see how "in love " she was with first husband. How "in love" she was with Chris Judd, Puffy, "Dear Ben", Marc Anthony and now Casper. Crazy. But most people who are love addicts do not realize they are addicted to the high of new romance. they just think they chose wrong bfore. But "This time, this is their soulmate". Well, till chemicals wear off in a few years. Scary!!!.

[Spark1111]

Well, I am beginning to think that celebrities are easily turned into narcissists; like many powerful and rich people.

 

They are surrounded only by people who kiss their azz and tell them how wonderful they are. No one ever says no, I disagree, to them.

 

How realistic is that in any long term relationship? Not at all.

 

I think you judge a man's character by his actions; is he steady, dependable, wanting to please you in small and large ways?

 

LOOK CLOSELY at his family, please!!!!! Cuz apples do not fall far from trees. Does he treat his mother and the woman in his family with respect? Do they openly discuss problems within the family without acrimony?

 

Educate each other to the stages of relationships. Keep yourself interesting to each other. Do not grow complacent, either about yourself or your marriage.

 

Watch to see if he is needy and dependent on the external validation of others, whether at home, with his family of origin, or on the job.

 

And like grandma use to say, if a man really, really wants you.....he waits (sexually) for you.

 

I married for love. I have no regrets. I trusted him, and yes, he broke my heart, but no, I never will regret how much I love him and the life we built together.

[96nole]

I saddens me that you are afraid to love jlola.

 

Unfortunately you have seen first hand what betrayal can do to a family.

And there are so many people hurting here on this forum.

It's easy to see why love and trust is a big question mark.

 

Like another poster who came up with a huge list of precautions and rules so that he can avoid ever being betrayed, just shows how scary it can be.

 

I trusted and lost. But I will not give up on love, I won't let fear rule me. I want to love again but next time I will be wiser.

 

((((hugs))))

 

Last night I was at large gathering. I was talking to a couple of women that I met a few months ago. One of the women has been living with a man for the past few years. She wants to get married but he hasn't asked because he is scared. His ex wife cheated on him and he is now scared of the commitment of marriage. (even though he is living with her as if they are married).

 

Both women know my current situation. I was giving them some of the updated details last night. They asked me if this was going to ruin my view of women and marriage. I immediately said "Absolutely not!" I am not going to let the STBXW ruin my chance for happiness.

 

When I find the 'one' again, I will have absolute faith and trust in that person just like I did for the ex before she became a whore. That is the only way a marriage or a committed relationship can work. I lived for 10 months of mistrust with the ex before she cheated again (or until I found out again). In all honesty, it sucked. I don't want to ever have to track someone's phone, scan their email, check the text messages, keep an eye on the phone records, etc. I remember the day before D-Day #2 looking through her facebook to see if I can find anything because I was suspecting something was up. As I was going through it, I asked "is this how I want to live the rest of my life?" As much as the past few months have hurt, the answer is NO.

 

I'm going to go into my next relationship the only way I know how, with honesty and trust. If that person proves to be another whore, then there's the door. I don't have time for that sh*t and I'm not going to make time.

[Furious]

96

 

Fantastic post.

 

Exactly!!!

 

By fearing to love again, is giving the WS power over your future.

[96nole]

96

 

Fantastic post.

 

Exactly!!!

 

By fearing to love again, is giving the WS power over your future.

 

Yep. These past few weeks have been a bit of a turn around for me. Especially after the events of the past weekend.

 

I am now so over all of this that I want her completely out of my life for ever. I never want to see her again

I never want to talk to her again

I never want to have to deal with her again

I want to get to the point that I start to forget she exists.

 

I have to be me. And I'm someone who will be honest and trusting to the one I'm with. Because they can be honest and trusting of me.

 

My ex is not one of those people. So F*CK HER! She's trying to play the victim. F*CK HER!! She has been nothing but a lying, cheating, disrespectful whore. F*CK HER!!! And while she was doing that, I was there being honest and faithful.

 

She says I didn't make her "feel special every day" What did she do to make me feel special every day? NOTHING!!

She says I didn't "treat her like a Queen every day" What did she do to make me feel like a king every day? NOTHING!!

 

I'm not out of the woods yet. But I can see it's darker behind me than in front of me.

 

Sorry for ranting. I'm just a bit fired up today.