Science Vs Romance

[Parallel_Lines]

A good bashing might be in order, to snap me back to reality. Originally stumbled upon LS a few days ago doing research on "open relationship" and ended up reading something like "you don't really want an open relationship, you just want permission to cheat". Ouch. So maybe this is the place to be.

 

My BF (37) and I (28) have been together for 3.5 years, I call him BF even though we're "engaged" for a few years now. Never really planned a wedding, and not sure if there will ever be one. He feels uncomfortable talking about it, and I'm close to accepting the fact that he's just not the marrying type. Overall, our relationship is stable and fun. We get along very well, never fight, both low-maintenance and mostly drama-free. In-laws on both sides are very loving and accepting. We've bought a house together, lived together for 3 years now. Most of the finances are both in our names. Where we live, we are practically married. We have a supportive and caring relationship. In many aspects we have contributed to each other's personal growth. He is loyal to me, and more or less I can predict a sane, stable and mostly happy long life with him.

 

There are but two problems: [1] We love each other, but I honestly think-- and if asked him, he would probably agree-- that were never really IN LOVE with each other. It almost seems like a relationship out of convenience, for both of us, sometimes. [2] We don't have sex. Mainly because of me (dyspareunia, frigidity, lack of confidence due to lack of experience, depression sometimes) and sometimes because of him (always super busy at work, no time for me. Plus it's difficult for me to bond with him emotionally because he's the silent type, or just makes jokes when it comes to a serious topic.) Suffice to say, we are incompatible in bed. We do, however, cuddle a lot, kiss, etc.

 

This has brought on enormous guilt, knowing that I'm not fulfilling his sexual needs at all. Even to a point of thinking that I should just give it up and maybe he'll be happier with someone else. A few times, he has reassured me that it's fine, sex is overrated anyway. He also admitted that he is also responsible for our lack of sex life, since he is spending too much time at the office. I just think there's a lack of chemistry between us. Everything else is great, but how can we experience complete love if we don't have sex?

 

Anyway here comes the doozy. I'm out of town for a few months right now, for work. We've been apart like this last year, which worked out well for both of us, since I wasn't seeing much of him anyway even though we lived together. A really busy man. This time, while I'm here in foreign-land, an old friend resurfaces, starts talking to me a lot online, on the phone. This was a time when I was quite depressed and grieving the loss of a loved one, and my BF couldn't be there for me coz, as usual, busy with work.

 

In the beginning, I completely resisted this other guy's charms. Of course, right? I'm in a committed relationship. But he gave me something that I never got my from my BF, which was emotional support and understanding, deeper talks and just.. letting me be myself. With my BF, I do feel like I have to adjust myself in a certain way to be more acceptable to him, but am I doing it for the wrong reasons? Anyway, my friend (40) confesses that he has strong feelings for me, and that he's willing to move across the country to meet me. (He's on his way now, ack. We have been friends many years, but only online.)

 

I never ever expected to be in this kind of situation, I think I am having an emotional affair. I know, I'm weak. But it feels so good, he (OM??) really listens to me, makes me feel loved and adored, and only recently, I felt a surge of sexual attraction. Yes, probably lame because I can only hear his voice, but to me it's a big deal, because I have been really frigid most of my adult life. What does this mean? I'm just so confused. Logic tells me this is just an infatuation, it will pass, just focus on my primary relationship. I love the way OM loves me, it's how I wanted romance to be, all my life. Logic says, this romantic feeling is fleeting.

 

But my heart says, what if BF and I aren't meant to be together? If we're in it just for the convenience, and the fact that we've already started building this life, why waste it? Of course I don't want to hurt my BF, he's not perfect but he certainly doesn't deserve my unfaithfulness, even if it's seemingly "shallow" and not a full-blown affair.

 

Ah, I have to add that BF is opposed to having children. I am still naively hoping that he will change his mind, as I do want kids. OM is ready to settle down and have children with me.

 

I just want a deeper connection with my BF, but so far, in the last 3 years, he has not fulfilled my emotional needs. Am I wrong in wanting something more passionate and romantic? What will happen when I come home? I probably, most probably, should not meet up with OM (just as friends) even though he came all the way there to see me. Ugh, this post must sound so self-absorbed and whatnot. It's hard to explain all sides of it on a limited space, but that's all I have for now. Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to read this.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS

 

What would happen if you were transparent, in this case with BF about meeting this friend and with the friend about your dilemma and apparent desire to remain faithful to your relationship?

 

I've been through this with a number of MW's and, generally, they regain their composure and return to their H's and marriages, usually once the newness wears off or the H senses something is off and embarks upon recapturing the wife's interest.

 

Yes, at this point, you embarked upon an emotional affair. Since it is hidden from your boyfriend, LS'ers would call it cheating. IMO, it's an unhealthy solution to real problem in your relationship. Opinion varies on that part.

 

I had an emotional affair with a MW for many years, one who saw herself in a marriage of convenience. The life lesson for myself was that it takes two to make a convenient marriage, not just the betrayed spouse, whom is often vilified during the re-write of the M. That's something to think about before taking next steps. What's your responsibility here? Why not address it first?

 

If you are deciding to not meet the friend, advise him immediately. Don't leave him hanging. BTDT, got left hanging a bunch of times. In retrospect I was a glutton for punishment. It sucks. Don't do it.

 

Are you wrong for wanting something more passionate and romantic? No. Your wants are reasonable. It's your methods which are potentially hurtful. Reflect upon those methods and decide whether other potentials can be utilized to achieve your wants.

 

As an example of a potential, what would happen if you ended this relationship and went off and made some babies with this old friend? What's the worst possible thing that could happen? Good luck.

[trist]

your relationship is already in trouble with or without your "friend"... you're not getting something that you're seeking, you're not even sexually aroused by the man you are living with... listen to what you are saying, you're happier being apart because you don't have to deal with the issues on hand...

 

not only that, you want different things, your comatose bf doesn't even want children when you do... what are you going to do?? replace your birth control pills with flinstone vitamins?? start poking holes in the condom?? top top it all off, i mean, i'm sorry, but for a straight man to say sex is overrated??!!

 

don't settle, because it sounds very much like what you'd be doing with the bf... you're even saying things like "comfortable, stable long life with him..." well yeah it'll be stable... a stable of emotionless boredom...

[TaraMaiden]

i was frigid for 20 years until i met my current husband.

It's amazing how when things fall in to place, that I discover it wasn't me after all, and i wasn't frigid.

I just couldn't make love to a man i didn't love.

[Bellechica]

You are not being unreasonable. You are in an unfullfilling relationship with your bf, and you both want different things in life, such as children. It seems you are happier apart from him.

I would tell him you need to separate.

It is better for you both in the long run because you don't need to marry someone who you do not connect with emotionally as well as physically.

I know it will be painful to let your bf go if you wish to do so, but the decision to have kids or not is a major one.

[bigmomma1974]

I think that you need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Also explain to other person that you can not and will not persue a relationship with him right now because you are in a committed one and need to see where it is going, If you say it is convient to be with boyfriend and your not in love you should let him know, explain to him you want more out of life then a sexless relationship, and lack of attention. Do not add flame to t he fire with om wait u ntil you figure ou if you want to be in a long term committed relationship with boyfriend, and be unhappy,. Something is missing in your life for you to be having an emotional affair. Figure that out first, have a heart to heart with current boyfriend and go from there. As for the OM leave that be it will only cause heart ache and pain to BF.

[serial muse]

I think that you need to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Also explain to other person that you can not and will not persue a relationship with him right now because you are in a committed one and need to see where it is going, If you say it is convient to be with boyfriend and your not in love you should let him know, explain to him you want more out of life then a sexless relationship, and lack of attention. Do not add flame to t he fire with om wait u ntil you figure ou if you want to be in a long term committed relationship with boyfriend, and be unhappy,. Something is missing in your life for you to be having an emotional affair. Figure that out first, have a heart to heart with current boyfriend and go from there. As for the OM leave that be it will only cause heart ache and pain to BF.

 

Yes, please - figure out what's happening in your current relationship first.

 

It seems to me that you've just been going along to get along, but that you are clearly dissatisfied with your current relationship. You just haven't been dissatisfied enough - not enough to do anything about it.

 

Well, maybe this is that opportunity. Time to face things both you and he have been avoiding. But that means discussing this with your BF - the OM will only muddy the waters and make things worse!!!

 

First of all, your BF may also be dissatisfied. I suspect that's why he's so busy at work - it takes the place of a fulfilling sexual relationship, and he's trying to channel his energy elsewhere. I can imagine, though, that if he found out that you were willing to have sex with someone else, the whole house of cards he's built for himself to make the lack of sex in your relationship bearable and "OK" in his mind would come tumbling down. And he wouldn't be so understanding at. all.

 

Now, what you said here sounds worrisome:

 

he gave me something that I never got my from my BF, which was emotional support and understanding, deeper talks and just.. letting me be myself. With my BF, I do feel like I have to adjust myself in a certain way to be more acceptable to him

 

If this is how you've felt for most of your relationship, I think that's a giant red flag, and clearly it means that you've not been happy. That's not OK, and it makes me wonder why you haven't talked with your BF about it before. You did say that you have a supportive and caring relationship, but perhaps that isn't so true? Perhaps this isn't the relationship for you, and it's time to get out and see who else is out there.

 

However, if this is something you're only just thinking about in recent days/weeks - since getting closer with the other guy - then that's a different kind of red flag. People preparing to embark on an affair very commonly rewrite their histories with the BS, in order to "justify" the decision. That doesn't mean that you don't believe this, and it doesn't even mean that it isn't true (perhaps you were just willing to overlook it all this time). But the question is why it's coming up now.

 

I'm just saying that you should really, really think about why you're willing to confront this very big relationship issue in your own mind at this moment. Whether the OM is the right guy for you or just an important catalyst for forcing you to face things you didn't want to face, thank him and tell him you need to figure out your current relationship before you can embark on a new one. And then take the OM (temporarily?) out of it, and face these questions with your BF. Yes, I know you said that he doesn't like to talk about this stuff - but he also probably doesn't know exactly what's at stake at the moment. I am sure that it would change the communication landscape if he did.

 

One thing is clear - please do not start up a relationship with someone new before you've treated your current BF fairly. He's been patient, too, in his way, with a non-ideal relationship. I'm sure he's made mistakes, but you and he both deserve an honest assessment of where your relationship is, without introducing a third party.

Edited May 15, 2012 by serial muse

[oldshirt]

Let's really try to clear the smoke and complications and controversies here. You aren't satisfied with your current relationship and want more. You two aren't really all that compatible and you each want different things. you aren't really clicking and satisfying each other, you are just in it because it's convenient and comfortable and you want to be able to talk to someone and say that you have a BF and you haven't had any other reasonable offers so you figure he is better than nothing.

 

Now you have another option and offer on the table and it stands a good chance of being more fullfilling and more satisfying than your current relationship.

 

Chances are your BF is finding another option while you are gone too.

 

Here's some general advice from an guy who is almost fifty and has had a lot of love, a lot of life, a lot of heartbreaks, has had many strike outs and well as hit quite a few out of the ball park with the bases loaded.

 

NEVER SETTLE. Always pursue what you really want deep down.

 

When you are old and gray and looking back on your life you will never regret putting in the effort to strive for what you really want. You will regret the times you sat on your hands because you were afraid of failure, too lazy to put in the effort and let all the "what ifs?" and all the complications interfer with pursuing your goals.

 

Yes breaking up and moving on will involve complications and a few tears. Working through logistics and shedding a few tears is nothing compared to a life of dissatisfaction and mediocrity.

 

In your state of dissatisfaction and settling for convenience it is just a matter of time before you meet someone who actually trips your trigger (which you already have) or just a matter of time before he does and he dumps you flat-out while you have no back-up plan.

 

Take charge of your own life and live for your own satisfaction and fullfillment.

[2.50 a gallon]

How long have you known the OM?

 

How did you meet?

 

What is his past history in relationships? Married? Divorced?

 

What about his employment history?

 

There is no doubt that your BF will be hurt, but I am actually am more concerned about the damage he will do to you

[MissBee]

I think your posts express your intuition about your own situation....it's funny how the questions we ask and how we tell our story, often have the answers built right in and the problem.

 

I think you are comfortable with your bf...you've said so...you've said it is convenient, stable etc. You admit that you've settled...i.e. you've been engaged for years, you simply accept he is not the marrying type, you are hoping he will change his mind on kids, although he doesn't want it. You describe not having time for each other, incompatible communication styles etc and even admit that you're scared you're not right for each other.

 

From all you've said...I think you know fully what the problem is, but are accustomed to this relationship. It doesn't seem like you'd be in a happy relationship as is, it seems as though you've both settled and you're bending your desires to suit the situation, even though you truly aren't complete with that. Life is too short to be in an almost-ok-relationship IMO. It seems like this is just that.....it is a functional roommateship and friendship but obviously doesn't fulfill you in the way a relationship should. I say that you face the truth and accept that you may not be right for each other and may need to cut ties. It is scary of course to leave even the uncomfortable known for the unknown....but it would truly suck for you to continue being with him, hoping he will magically want kids, hoping you will magically have a good sex life, hoping he will magically make you feel loved etc....when you could move on to a situation that truly does this, and truth is, if you're not right for him, maybe if you let him go he would find that in another relationship he'd want to marry, or maybe he'll find a woman who doesn't want kids either and who is compatible in bed with him. You'd both win.

[MissBee]

Let's really try to clear the smoke and complications and controversies here. You aren't satisfied with your current relationship and want more. You two aren't really all that compatible and you each want different things. you aren't really clicking and satisfying each other, you are just in it because it's convenient and comfortable and you want to be able to talk to someone and say that you have a BF and you haven't had any other reasonable offers so you figure he is better than nothing.

 

Now you have another option and offer on the table and it stands a good chance of being more fullfilling and more satisfying than your current relationship.

 

Chances are your BF is finding another option while you are gone too.

 

Here's some general advice from an guy who is almost fifty and has had a lot of love, a lot of life, a lot of heartbreaks, has had many strike outs and well as hit quite a few out of the ball park with the bases loaded.

 

NEVER SETTLE. Always pursue what you really want deep down.

 

When you are old and gray and looking back on your life you will never regret putting in the effort to strive for what you really want. You will regret the times you sat on your hands because you were afraid of failure, too lazy to put in the effort and let all the "what ifs?" and all the complications interfer with pursuing your goals.

 

Yes breaking up and moving on will involve complications and a few tears. Working through logistics and shedding a few tears is nothing compared to a life of dissatisfaction and mediocrity.

 

In your state of dissatisfaction and settling for convenience it is just a matter of time before you meet someone who actually trips your trigger (which you already have) or just a matter of time before he does and he dumps you flat-out while you have no back-up plan.

 

Take charge of your own life and live for your own satisfaction and fullfillment.

 

 

 

Didn't see this until after I posted. Sooo beautifully said! I believe this wholeheartedly.

 

People sit around all day saying things aren't "that easy", but truth is, they may not be easy, but they are simple. Lots of stuff is scary and most of us are scared of failure or giving our all, so settle for what's good enough or sometimes what is not even good at all but we believe it is better than nothing...but honestly, life is too short, what is there to lose? Why settle and stay in an unfulfilling relationship, marriage or affair, pretending it is everything you've ever dreamed of, when it isn't? What's the worst that can happen from leaving it and going after what you really want? I'd rather go after what I really want and if I fail 100 times, I then settle, versus start settling right out of the gate.

[Parallel_Lines]

Thank you so much for all the responses. Not only did I gain tremendous insight, I also felt some of my own existing answers to my questions being reaffirmed. Yes I just want to have both cakes.. heh.. but I know this isn't the way to be.

 

Just an update, before I try responding to individual posts:

I told OM that I desired and admired him, however, I don't want him in an affair situation as I respect him too much for that. I told him that we should go on with our parallel lives, and if one day we intersect, then it would be under non-illicit conditions.

 

I guess he took it the wrong way, he got angry, maybe he felt that I led him on. I don't know. It's hard when the other party shuts down communication; but maybe this is for the best. I know I have to take steps to fix my primary relationship first. The good news is I'm coming home in 38 days & I can focus on becoming the best GF that I can be (which includes dressing up more, getting more active & fit, cooking & cleaning the house more, initiating sex, being arm candy again..) BF has less excuses now -- his major work project just got released after 4 years of hard work, so now his schedule should be less hectic. Maybe we can finally spend lots more quality time together & actually plan vacations. Maybe he'll put down his bloody work phone for once.

 

I think it's fair to give us a few more months, maybe til the end of the year? If BF still doesn't see and love me for who I am, if he still continues neglecting my emotional needs, then I have to be the one to say, Baby let's cut our losses. I am super scared of the repercussions and whirling thoughts of everything that I stand to lose. But I have to take things one step at a time. All I know is that I don't want to hurt my BF.

 

What would happen if you were transparent, in this case with BF about meeting this friend and with the friend about your dilemma and apparent desire to remain faithful to your relationship?

 

Something is missing in your life for you to be having an emotional affair. Figure that out first, have a heart to heart with current boyfriend and go from there.

 

I definitely need to have this heartfelt talk with him. We've tried this a few times before, to resolve some of our issues; well mainly the no-sex part. I struggled with my words (dunno why I feel easily embarrassed all the time, and on the verge of tears when it comes to serious talks with him. Also, English isn't my first language.) Maybe I can write him a letter to express myself better, then go from there. With regards to confessing about my friend, I'm still undecided.

 

@ TaraMaiden - yes! Hah, thank you, this just means there is still hope for me. Maybe I jumped into a commitment too soon. I know I'm already 28 but I'm still a major noob. Had a very sheltered upbringing, only started dating at 23, lost V-card at 24. Yes.. maybe that was not enough time to find my true sex-soulmate.

 

@ trist, oldshirt, MissBee - Wow, I really loved hearing all that, your words definitely echo the truth. It does look like I'm settling, but I take your posts as a challenge. I just need a bit more time to see if what I have is worth saving, worth nurturing to its full potential. I will consider you as my mentors hehe. Thank you!

 

PS- trist, no BC needed, we practice abstinence. Hah.

 

@ Bellechica - I know.. and the weird part is, only when I met him did I consider, Hmm maybe I don't need to have kids. Prior to that, my whole life I had been dreaming of motherhood.

 

@ 2.50 a gallon - I have considered these factors.. Met OM online several months before I met BF & been having a platonic relationship over the years. We met at a dating site for people living with STDs (OK, big can of worms there). Single, no kids; he has had a few of serious/long-term relationships, he seems to be "too nice" and the girl just moves on. Just finished with PhD that's probably why he's looking to settle now.

 

@ serial muse - Wah, I really admire the way you write, it is so clear and direct, I wish I could talk like that in real life. I think my BF would appreciate it too, I think my words get misunderstood by him even if I have good intentions.

 

I suspect that's why he's so busy at work - it takes the place of a fulfilling sexual relationship, and he's trying to channel his energy elsewhere. I can imagine, though, that if he found out that you were willing to have sex with someone else, the whole house of cards he's built for himself to make the lack of sex in your relationship bearable and "OK" in his mind would come tumbling down. And he wouldn't be so understanding at. all.

 

It's probably true, about the work thing. And yes, hurting him that way, that is my biggest fear. It would mean that all this time of me explaining to him that "it's not you, it's me" exposes me as a big fat liar. Maybe it's time to get some professional help about my sex issues / medical issues.

 

People preparing to embark on an affair very commonly rewrite their histories with the BS, in order to "justify" the decision. That doesn't mean that you don't believe this, and it doesn't even mean that it isn't true (perhaps you were just willing to overlook it all this time). But the question is why it's coming up now.

 

I know.. I thought of this too..

We've had these problems for a while, I guess it just got magnified this time around, especially when I saw that I had another option..

 

---

Sorry if my replies got off-topic. So to bring it back:

My emotional affair has woken me up from a stupor. I now know that I am capable of feeling true passion for another human being. However, I choose to focus on my primary relationship even though I am missing OM like crazy. Need to fix my stuff first; if deemed unfixable, I will move on.

If OM is still around, I'll have some mind-blowing sex with him. If he's no longer around, well.. back to posting at LS in some other forum category.

 

I feel aliiiiive!!

[Bellechica]

I hope it goes well for you!!!!