Dunno1978 Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I feel strangely numb and dont know if I should tell my husband. We don't talk about his affair and have moved on although I find myself occasionally thinking about it. Over the years I have sometimes looked at what she has been doing online and found out she had died in Jan whilst looking today as her husband had left a message for her online friends - my husband had met her this way. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 IMO, three years of recovery is a valuable investment to protect and nurture and recounting the AP's death and life aren't really productive in that pursuit. I'd let it pass and continue to focus on the M. Link to post Share on other sites
bosunmate Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I wouldn't mention it, for all you know he doesn't think of her anymore so why open up all the bull again. Remember how hard it was on Dday let sleeping dogs lie, don't reopen the wounds they are too hard to close. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Got an alibi? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dunno1978 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 I haven't said anything to my OH about what I found out. I'm ashamed that I sometimes did still check on her and I don't want to bring it up, but equally I feel like I'm hiding something and secrets and a lack of honest communication were ingredients in my OH's affair - not great foundations for a solid and stable marriage and something we promised we wouldnt allow to happen again. So I'm torn...... I'm also surprised at the weird mixture of emotion I feel about the OW's death. During D-Day and it's aftermath I wished her dead so many times and was really spiteful in telling her husband what I found out (which she denied and made out I was crazy). I hated her and saw nothing good in her. But dying at 34 and leaving a 13 year old daughter is awful - that poor child. People have left lots of messages about what a kind, intelligent, funny and forgiving woman she was and I feel angry that people are only seeing good in her and they don't know that she almost knowingly destroyed my life - petty I know under the circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I feel strangely numb and dont know if I should tell my husband. We don't talk about his affair and have moved on although I find myself occasionally thinking about it. Over the years I have sometimes looked at what she has been doing online and found out she had died in Jan whilst looking today as her husband had left a message for her online friends - my husband had met her this way. Not to sound cold, but do not tell him. He doesn't deserve to know. And if he somehow finds out, then you'll know he never really moved on either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Not to sound cold, but do not tell him. He doesn't deserve to know. And if he somehow finds out, then you'll know he never really moved on either. Hmmm Not quite as clear cut as that. He could find out by chance. Then the honest, open thing is to tell the OP and the deceitful thing is not to say anything. Damned either way. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hmmm Not quite as clear cut as that. He could find out by chance. Could, but she said they met her by FB, which tells me they weren't really close in locale. So chances are if he finds out its because he still checks her FB. Then the honest, open thing is to tell the OP and the deceitful thing is not to say anything. Damned either way. He has no right to know, and if the wife doesn't tell him, so what? The OW isn't suppose to be significant any longer right? Question is, why SHOULD OP tell her husband that his old F buddy died? Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 (edited) eeeek! any conversations you both have about the A can only be a slippery slope of memories that husband would do better forget from your point of view, well, i would think that if in your shoes if he hasn't googled her himself, he is not even thinking of her - good! Edited March 12, 2012 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Could, but she said they met her by FB, which tells me they weren't really close in locale. So chances are if he finds out its because he still checks her FB. Fair enough He has no right to know, and if the wife doesn't tell him, so what? The OW isn't suppose to be significant any longer right? Question is, why SHOULD OP tell her husband that his old F buddy died? My post was based on him finding out from a source other than the OP which could happen by no fault of his own. As a former WS, I endeavour to be completley honest with my H which means that if I find out something significant/life changing about the exOM, I tell my H. To not tell him would feel like a lie even if it had no impact on us now considering where we are in our recovery. To say something possibly opens up old wounds, to not say anything could be seen as hiding the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Even if he finds out on his own in his own way, he isn't going to say anything. I mean that would be digging his own grave.. What's he gonna say? "Honey, I found out today that my exOW passed away.." Awkward!! Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 OP I would not live my life in fear of his memories of her. I would not tiptoe around an elephant in the room. I would not sit and wonder if he knows nor would I wait in dread that he might find out. I wouldn't pretend that I hadn't been checking on her. I wouldn't keep a secret that makes me uncomfortable in the marriage. Take a quiet moment and tell him what you found and ask him if he knows about it. Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel about it. Let him tell you how he feels about it. It might hurt. It might be uncomfortable for awhile. It might uncover some unhealed wounds or unresolved feelings....but you can't heal what you are hiding and you can't resolve what you are too afraid to face. Live your life and your marriage in the light. Tell him what you found out and talk to him about how you feel about it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 As a former WS, I endeavour to be completley honest with my H which means that if I find out something significant/life changing about the exOM, I tell my H. To not tell him would feel like a lie even if it had no impact on us now considering where we are in our recovery. But you are on the other side of the coin as OP. If her H found something out, whether by someone else, or because he was still fishing for info, it would be his duty, as an unfaithful spouse, to tell his wife. His wife, however, has no obligation to tell him anything about the woman he got naked with. To say something possibly opens up old wounds, to not say anything could be seen as hiding the truth. For you, the WS, yes. For Dunno1978, no. It isn't hiding anything because her H doesn't have a right to know, and doesn't have a right to hear it from the woman he betrayed. Dunno1978 has no responsibility to inform her H that an affair partner died. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 It doesn't have anything to do with responsibility, it is exactly what PhoenixRise pointed out, it's something that is bothering the poster. She needs to bring it up and talk about it to her husband. Thats true, something is bothering the poster to feel the need to search the OW. Or it could be some little bit of curiosity. But I stand by what I said that it isn't her responsibility to inform her husband and he doesn't have the right to know. Now if she still has problems regarding what her husband did to her, then sure, talk it out. But she has no obligation or responsibility to tell her H the OW died. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Why lie about what you know and how you feel.Lies is what caused this pain any way. its hard to get over the pain of infidelity and not talking does not resolve any thing.Im sorry you are still feeling pain I hope someday you will find complete peace.Its really sad a young woman passed but the way people talk of her is the way she was seen by them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Op, it sounds as if his affair may still be on your mind at some level, and if it is, then perhaps talking with your husband about your feelings may be a good idea, as it might help you feel better. is it possible to use this woman's passing ( i hate wording it that way...not sure why) as a reason to talk to him about your feelings? Let him know that you, from time to time, kept tabs on her and why. keeping your feelings hidden from him about this will just make you unhappy. talking about it may help to relieve some of that unhappiness, and may also give him the opportunity to express any feelings he's been having. ( i understand about your desire to keep tabs on her. I kept facebook messages that my husband's ex other woman sent to me. i don't know why i keep them, i just do. I don't read them, they are just there, and my husband knows about them) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Not to sound cold, but do not tell him. He doesn't deserve to know. And if he somehow finds out, then you'll know he never really moved on either. Hmmm Not quite as clear cut as that. He could find out by chance. Then the honest, open thing is to tell the OP and the deceitful thing is not to say anything. Damned either way. But you are on the other side of the coin as OP. If her H found something out, whether by someone else, or because he was still fishing for info, it would be his duty, as an unfaithful spouse, to tell his wife. His wife, however, has no obligation to tell him anything about the woman he got naked with. For you, the WS, yes. For Dunno1978, no. It isn't hiding anything because her H doesn't have a right to know, and doesn't have a right to hear it from the woman he betrayed. Dunno1978 has no responsibility to inform her H that an affair partner died. We actually agree My comments were based on what the OP's husband should do if he found out because according to you, he should not be able to find out unless he had not moved on from my affair. My argument was purely that he could find out by chance and in a totally innocent way. If so then my view is that he should say something to his wife. But based on your opinion that he would only have this information because of not moving on then he can't win - he has the choice of telling his wife and been seen as still in the affair in some way - or he does not tell his wife which would be dishonest and seen as still in the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Why lie about what you know Its only a lie if he asks if she knew about her death and she says no. It only a lie if the information withheld is held back because there was wrong doing involved. If someone goes to the bathroom and drops the biggest load they ever did in their life, are they under obligation to tell their spouse? Of course not. Not everything has to be declared. Only that which someone deservers to know. and how you feel. Now this yes. I agree. Obviously she is still haunted by the affair, and she needs to let her H know this. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 OP If you are still reading this... It is not about whether or not you are responsible for telling him. It is not about whether or not he deserves to know. It is about what kind of marriage you want going forward. I am now happily reconciled with my husband after his affair. It was a long hard road. He did much of the heavy lifting but we both worked our butts off to get to where we are today. One of the most important things I learned is not to let stuff linger in the dark. Every hurt/bad/loving/jealous/angry/resentful feeling I had or that HE had.....I dragged that sucker out into the light so we could face it. You don't owe it to him to tell him his former OW died. But maybe you DO owe it to yourself (and the kind of marriage you want to be in going forward) to tell him what you know and to have an honest conversation with him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 OP If you are still reading this... It is not about whether or not you are responsible for telling him. It is not about whether or not he deserves to know. Yes, it is with regards to whether or not she needs to tell him about his OW's death. It is about what kind of marriage you want going forward. True with this. She needs to talk to her husband about whats still bothering her, but has nothing to do with whether she should tell him about the OW dying. She can tell him how she feels, what she still feels. She doesn't have to tell him about the OW, and I advise her not to. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Another thing to think about.. What if you do decide to talk to your husband about this and he tells you he already knows that she passed away recently. How is that going to make you feel? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 (edited) Yes, it is with regards to whether or not she needs to tell him about his OW's death. True with this. She needs to talk to her husband about whats still bothering her, but has nothing to do with whether she should tell him about the OW dying. She can tell him how she feels, what she still feels. She doesn't have to tell him about the OW, and I advise her not to. She doesn't have to tell him. If she is ok with holding on to that secret and wondering silently if he already knows. But not telling him/ them not talking about it, is not going to help her marriage. I can't think of any situation where keeping major secrets actually helps a marriage. Edited March 13, 2012 by PhoenixRise Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 She doesn't have to tell him. If she is ok with holding on to that secret and wondering silently if he already knows. But not telling him/ them not talking about it, is not going to help her marriage. I can't think of any situation where keeping major secrets actually helps a marriage. There is the thing. I don't consider it a big secret. Hate to say it, but so what if the OW died and the wife knows? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 There is the thing. I don't consider it a big secret. Hate to say it, but so what if the OW died and the wife knows? Maybe because when reconciling a marriage after an affair, it is essential for both parties to be honest and open with each other. It would be hypocritical for the BS to expect 100% honesty from the WS yet not be prepared to reciprocate. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I haven't said anything to my OH about what I found out. I'm ashamed that I sometimes did still check on her and I don't want to bring it up, but equally I feel like I'm hiding something and secrets and a lack of honest communication were ingredients in my OH's affair - not great foundations for a solid and stable marriage and something we promised we wouldnt allow to happen again. So I'm torn...... Clearly the OP sees it as keeping a secret. Link to post Share on other sites
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