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Article About the Dangers of Contacting Old Flames


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st December 2010, 11:19 AM   #1
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Article About the Dangers of Contacting Old Flames

http://www.inforum.com/event/article/id/301976/

I've been wondering--does reconnecting with a teenage love cause a person to regress back to a teenage mindset?.......
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Old 21st December 2010, 12:44 PM   #2
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It did for my XW. Her original high school boyfriend showed up on classmates...and she contracted him. That led to a series of emails, phone calls and 700 mile trips to see him. I was privy to all of the communications between them...and the sappy old love songs...rehashing of their first fumbled attempts at sex...then the steamy details once they became immersed in sex...giddiness...acting like children with juvenile pet names...the whole gamut. She even admitted to feeling like a teenager again. So...I treated her like an insolent 18 year old...booted her out of the house and out of my life for the most part since our children were already adults.
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Old 21st December 2010, 4:26 PM   #3
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I dodged a bullet

I really did dodge a bullet. She contacted me after 30 years, sent me pictures, we discussed our lives.

She still smart, beautiful, and everything I remembered her to be. When I saw that she had changed my name ID on my e-mail address to that of a woman, I knew that something was wrong, but the power of someone else being attracted to me was intoxicating. The fact that she, someone who I always thought of as having the highest moral character, would lie to cover our new found friendship was exciting.

"What did she have in mind?" I thought.

I researched the whole thing. I learned the term "emotional affair". I learned that it usually led to PAs.

... and I decided I couldn't do it. I've read here about the devastation, the AP being second fiddle, the guilt, the feelings of betrayed spouses. I still love my wife, even though after 25 years, we've been through a ton of trouble and hurt. For all the excitement it would bring, I still couldn't do it - no affair. Not to me, not to my wife, not to the old flame.

It's still tough to get her out of my mind, but not when I realize what's at stake. I believe in the power of my promises. I only have my name.
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Old 21st December 2010, 4:46 PM   #4
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Quote:
I've been wondering--does reconnecting with a teenage love cause a person to regress back to a teenage mindset?.......
While not exactly 'teenaged', yeah, for myself, it did. It was like I regressed back to the emotional state I was in at that time, over a generation ago. In hindsight, I can see it clearly. Perhaps it was a process which needed to happen. Regardless, the result has been positive. Sometimes a person must go back to move forward
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Old 21st December 2010, 5:45 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by carhill View Post
While not exactly 'teenaged', yeah, for myself, it did. It was like I regressed back to the emotional state I was in at that time, over a generation ago. In hindsight, I can see it clearly. Perhaps it was a process which needed to happen. Regardless, the result has been positive. Sometimes a person must go back to move forward

Glad it was positive for you, Carhill.

While I don't condone rekindling old flames while one is in a committed relationship, I can see how the old emotional states resurface--Even spending just a small amount of time around a high school friend brings back a flood of memories, and I'll find myself acting giggly.Spending time with a former love----well, I shudder to think what might happen to my equilibrium.
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Old 21st December 2010, 5:56 PM   #6
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IMO, once MC took firmer hold and the regressive behaviors/emotional states began to slip away, with healthier boundaries replacing them, it was enough to sour the 'milk' of the hold she knew she had on me and to cause her to move on to other, greener, pastures. Women are a smart bunch, I'll give 'em that
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Old 22nd December 2010, 9:58 AM   #7
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I think so. They start to reminisce and feel young and in love again.

After being together 23 years and married 21 years, my wife found her old boyfriend on facebook from when they were 18 years old. From reading their initial private messages to each other, it seems she was pleasantly surprised that he found her, and immediately started sending private messages to him, 20 on the first day she met him. And that very quickly progressed to chatting, skyping, video chat, then phone calls and emails.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 10:11 AM   #8
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I suspect that reconnecting is often begun with innocent intentions...

but, from what I've read in so many people's stories, it's a very slippery slope.

That's one of the reasons I posted this article--maybe someone will read it, and think twice before adding their ex as a friend on FB, Myspace, etc.

(ounce of prevention, and all that.......)

My SO became enmeshed in an EA with an old friend a few years ago. When he first reconnected, I wasn't the least bit worried, she was just an old friend, no big deal, right?

I watched his maturity level slowly spiral downwards, the more time he spent with her.........looking back now, it was as if he regressed back to a teenage mindset.

If I knew then what I know now.........I would've handled things much differently.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 10:31 AM   #9
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This might be reliant on whether individuals are looking for avenues to escape through titillation, at the stage where they've lost touch with their partners and meaning in their lives like empty nesters or are in emotionally unhealthy states.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 10:58 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by threebyfate View Post
This might be reliant on whether individuals are looking for avenues to escape through titillation, at the stage where they've lost touch with their partners and meaning in their lives like empty nesters or are in emotionally unhealthy states.

I would agree that can definitely be a contributing factor.There are tons of variables--MLC, recent bereavement or job loss,unequal sex drives,just to name a few.Boredom, even. (which is the responsibility and perception of the bored person)

Any of these can create fertile ground for infidelity.
The seed can be planted.
Hopefully, by understanding how a relationship becomes vulnerable to these factors, and having enough self- awareness to recognize when we're slipping into immature thought patterns......

we can make a conscious choice NOT to water that seed.

In other words, nip it before it even buds.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 8:03 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnifiedFieldTheory View Post
I really did dodge a bullet. She contacted me after 30 years, sent me pictures, we discussed our lives.

She still smart, beautiful, and everything I remembered her to be. When I saw that she had changed my name ID on my e-mail address to that of a woman, I knew that something was wrong, but the power of someone else being attracted to me was intoxicating. The fact that she, someone who I always thought of as having the highest moral character, would lie to cover our new found friendship was exciting.

"What did she have in mind?" I thought.

I researched the whole thing. I learned the term "emotional affair". I learned that it usually led to PAs.

... and I decided I couldn't do it. I've read here about the devastation, the AP being second fiddle, the guilt, the feelings of betrayed spouses. I still love my wife, even though after 25 years, we've been through a ton of trouble and hurt. For all the excitement it would bring, I still couldn't do it - no affair. Not to me, not to my wife, not to the old flame.

It's still tough to get her out of my mind, but not when I realize what's at stake. I believe in the power of my promises. I only have my name.
Unified:

I really admire a person with values!

I've come close 2 having a similar experience, and I would imagine it's getting pretty common with classmates, facebook, twitter and stuff so readily providing access 2 old acquaintances.

Some time ago, I found my first GF's facebook page. I suspect she's found mine as well, as there is a "favorite music" site on her page that has my birthday in the title - that can't be a coincidence.

But I see that she's in a relationship and has a family. And will I have been married for 35 years next 2sday with 2 adult kids of my own. Even though my W cheated on me (years ago), I wouldn't do that 2 her, myself, or the old GF and her family. So, no contact from me no matter how tempting it might become.

-ol' 2long
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Old 22nd December 2010, 9:08 PM   #12
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In my experience, when an old flame contacts you the outcome depends on whether you were in love with them. If someone I didn't love contacts me, we just have a nice catch-up chat... but if someone I deeply loved contacts me, all the old feelings resurface again and we start reminiscing about things which would be entirely inappropriate if I was in a relationship. For this reason I stay away from my significant ex who I loved, though I am happy to be friends with other exes for whom I had/have no feelings.
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Old 22nd December 2010, 9:25 PM   #13
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I saw my prom date a couple years ago and while I have fond memories of her we are both happily married now and would never cross that line.
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Old 23rd December 2010, 12:06 AM   #14
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I really think the whole rekindled lost love thing is just a couple of people playing into a fantasy. I had a similar experience with someone I had had a relationship with many years ago. I wasn't a teenager but I was still in my twenties and at that time I was very infatuated with the guy. He contacted me almost twenty years later, not on the internet but on the phone (lol...he got my number through directory assistance).

Anyways we decided to go out and get to know each other again (neither of us were married) and in a very short time I realized that he was living some kind of fantasy in his head. He remembered me as that young 20 something woman who was completely head over heels smitten by him. He figured I would still feel the same way about him. He talked about still feeling a connection to me and said he had always loved me. Haha..unfortunately for him I was fresh out of a relationship that had left me feeling pretty hurt and angry and I wasn't the least bit interested in living up to the fantasy of me he had created in his head. But....had I been in a different place emotionally, perhaps I could have got caught up in what he was saying. If I was more needy or more vulnerable I might have totally got carried away with the romantic notion of reconnecting with my long lost love. Instead I was kind of annoyed that this guy expected me to be the same lovestruck dummy for him that I had been years ago.
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Old 23rd December 2010, 12:22 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 2long View Post
Unified:

I really admire a person with values!

I've come close 2 having a similar experience, and I would imagine it's getting pretty common with classmates, facebook, twitter and stuff so readily providing access 2 old acquaintances.

Some time ago, I found my first GF's facebook page. I suspect she's found mine as well, as there is a "favorite music" site on her page that has my birthday in the title - that can't be a coincidence.

But I see that she's in a relationship and has a family. And will I have been married for 35 years next 2sday with 2 adult kids of my own. Even though my W cheated on me (years ago), I wouldn't do that 2 her, myself, or the old GF and her family. So, no contact from me no matter how tempting it might become.

-ol' 2long
thanks, 2long -
For me, this was a woman I asked once to marry me. She told me she thought she was pregnant (we were in college at the time). I asked her to marry me the same day that she found out she wasn't pregnant. We held off because we were so young - 19 years old both. We dated for a couple of years after, but distance needed to pursue studies got in the way. I have NEVER stopped thinking about her.

Telling her we shouldn't talk is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. But in a way, after 30 years... I think I might finally be moving on. I love my wife so... and I love my life. That love has taken me through the fog. All I have had to do is just look my wife in the eyes, reflect on the life we've built, and look to our future together.

But... damn! I came so close to ruining hearts and souls that it's frightening.
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