Husband cheated-my world's torn apart

[risingphoenix]

I guess, in order for this to be thorough and coherent, I should start at the beginning. Twelve years ago, my husband and I got married at the age of 21. (We had been dating exclusively since we were 18.) A few months after we got married, my husband lost his job and fell into a deep depression because he was having a hard time finding another job. (He had always been able to find something immediately whenever he wanted/needed to change jobs.) I was working 6 days a week and still we were falling behind. I didn't know how to cope with his depression-I ended up having an affair with one of our friends. I wasn't secretive about it and hubby ended up catching us just two weeks after it started. We went through hell trying to work through it. (Looking back, after years of reflection, I realized I wanted to be caught because it was a cry for attention-his attention as messed up as that sounds.)

 

Hubby has been emotionally distant for years and years, even before my affair. After my affair, he got worse, which I understand. He started not coming home after work and staying out all hours of the night. A few times, I caught him in some inappropriate situations, but they were not sexual. (One time, when I chased him down after not seeing him since he left at 6 that morning, I found him at a friend's house with that friend's 18 year old daughter on the couch. He was laying face down, she was sitting beside him and she was tickling him.) We went to counseling after that incident-one session. We decided it wasn't for us and we set out to work it out on our own.

 

Five years ago, we moved 800 miles away from everyone and everything we knew to buy a farm and fulfill one of my lifelong dreams of horse ownership. He had trouble adjusting to the move and had trouble finding a job. He spent a lot of time in his shop on his computer using instant messenger programs to talk to people from back home. Including the friend's daughter, which at the time I didn't have a problem with because after the dust settled from the couch incident, I didn't think she'd be an issue.

 

A few months later, his mom, who is elderly, wanted him to drive up there, pick her up and bring her down here to visit, then drive her back home. He took her home, then called me to say he was having trouble dealing with my affair (some six years earlier by this point) and that he was going to leave me. We talked, I begged, I cried, and eventually, he agreed to come home a week later. He never once told me everything would be OK and that he was here to stay. A few months after that, after a very brief and noncommittal conversation on the subject, he got me pregnant. (Our first and to date only child.) I resented him for it, not because of the child-who is awesome-but because he did it while I had no security in our marriage because of his threat to leave just months earlier.

 

About a year after our son was born, I was on his computer doing some web design stuff and found nude pictures of the friend's daughter, as well as a nude picture in an email of some woman I didn't know. Also found porn. We had an all out discussion about the stuff-the pics of the friend's daughter were sent over the IM chats because she was trying to seduce him away from me. The other woman was the result of another friend (who was interested in me but I turned down) trying to get hubby to cheat so he could use that as way to get me in bed. Hubby said the second woman didn't work because hubby realized what the friend was trying to do, so he avoided the woman at all costs. Saved the picture because he said it was like an ego boost that someone would send something like that to him. As for the friend's daughter, I found out that was the real motivation behind his attempt to leave. In his mind, he was going to leave me, then date her. He didn't even see her when he was up there and ultimately found out she was a heroin addict.

 

We worked through that, opened up and discussed the past with the intent of putting it all behind us and from then on, things were wonderful.

 

Earlier this year, my husband's company branched out into an area of work that requires him to be out of town during the week. A bit toward the end of last year he had started this and it went fine. This job was different though. He brought in a friend's son, who he thought was his friend. This guy wanted to move up here because his dad (who is our friend) was sick, so hubby got him the job to help out. As soon as I met the guy, I hated him instantly. (Ever meet someone that sets the hair on the back of your neck on edge because they emanate such negativity? That was this guy.) So hubby and I ended up fighting quite a bit in the beginning over stupid stuff-totally out of character for both of us. I warned him about this guy, but I thought the danger was job related. He blew me off.

 

Then I started noticing hubby was doubting himself and deferring to this other guy in things that were just totally ridiculous. Like the systems they were installing-hubby is certified, the new guy was a helper and yet hubby would defer to the new guy when issues came up.

 

Eventually, our fighting settled down and we getting a long really well. We were really close, making plans for the future, having an awesome time when he was home on the weekends, and all that. I noticed our phone conversations slowed down in August, but I didn't complain about it because I figured he was busy and by the end of August, I was back in college and busy myself. Toward the end of September, hubby had a major meltdown. I couldn't figure out what was wrong-he was depressed to a point that I had never seen him before. He told me it was because of work-that he was tired of the out of town stuff and just wanted to be home.

 

By the end of October, he came clean. He started having an affair with a woman he met in the town he was working in the beginning of August. The guy he was working with, it turns out, is a habitual cheater and wanted this woman's best friend-who didn't want him if her friend was going to be lonely, so he needed a wing man and manipulated hubby into spending time with this woman. He said he didn't set out for it to happen, but he didn't resist her advances like he should have. Mostly, they talked on the phone for hours on end. To the point where his boss confronted him about it because he was using the company phone and going over their minutes. They had sex 5 times, he said he had a difficult time with it (if you know what I mean), and that the guilt was eating him alive. He said he tried to end it in the beginning of September, (coincidentally, the new guy got fired at this time) but he felt bad for her so they kept talking-though no more sex. He still felt guilty and didn't want to talk to her, so he took to not answering her calls, not returning them and in the off chance he answered his phone without looking and it was her, he'd make up an excuse to get off the phone.

 

When he told me, he turned mean on her to get rid of her. She called his private cell while I was there, so I returned her call and had my say.

 

I am devastated over this. I mean, we've had our troubles in the past, but I never expected him to physically cheat. Never. He has been incredibly open and honest, he's been answering all of my questions-even though he'd rather not talk about it. He said this affair made him realize just how important I am to him. He says he's head over heels in love with me and will work as hard as he has to to make sure nothing like this happens ever again.

 

I want to believe him-and on some level I do. I know hubby can fall victim to outside influence and I know how convincing that guy was when he wanted something. I was shocked he was making hubby second guess himself on his work-something he knows backward and forward and in his sleep. So, I can see where it's possible this guy had him twisted up about our marriage and even himself too. (The new guy hated me because I made it clear I didn't like him...and I'm a woman that wouldn't give him the time of day and for a guy like him, that's a huge insult.) That doesn't remove the blame from hubby, of course, but it does explain how it could have happened now when it never has in the past.

 

I just don't know what to do. I love him with all of my heart, and he's finally realized how badly he's treated me all these years with his emotional distance. So, finally, I have the attentive husband I've always wanted. But I'm scared to trust it. I'm afraid he'll fall back into the emotionally distant rut and I just don't think I can handle that in combination of his past affair. As it is, even with all of his efforts, I find myself having doubts when four hours go by without a phone call, or something stupid like that. Oddly enough, I do not worry about another affair, though.

 

I am having some problems because of the affair. I doubt myself now, I feel like I have work harder to prove myself to him, and it's not rational because he's telling me I'm all he wants or needs, that he loves me the way I am, and all that. I am uncomfortable in situations with him when there's a sexy woman. Like when a scene with a real sexy woman was checking out under the hood of her car-I felt real uncomfortable watching that with him and I never have before. I also am having trouble studying-I have zero interest in my school work. And worst of all, I'm having issues with feeling anything-good or bad. It's like I am emotionally dead inside. Is that normal?

 

I don't really know what I am hoping to get out of typing this. Maybe reassurance? Maybe insight? Support? Hope? Being told I'm an idiot for not throwing him out? I just don't know. Thank you for taking the time to read all this.

[risingphoenix]

Even without responses, I got something out of posting this. I got a good hard look at the pattern my husband has of emotionally neglecting me in favor of almost anything that comes along...friend's daughter, porn, affair partner, etc.

 

Is there anything that can be done to break the pattern? I'm thinking it's some sort of commitment issue because he seems to have escalated after we moved and it was just me and him, then again after we had our child. Though I'm not sure what the motivating relationship factor would have been for the actual affair-maybe that we were getting along better than we had in a long time?

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

[alexandria35]

Hi rp, I don't really have any advice for you but just wanted to say welcome sinch you haven't received any replies yet.

 

I did notice that your husband seems to avoid taking responsibility for his own decisions. With every incident he has had some story of how it wasn't his idea or his fault. His friends daughter was trying to seduce him (with no encouragement from him?) the other woman he had a nude photo of was some kind of ploy to get him to cheat so his friend could sleep with you (that sounds really farfetched to me) and the one he finally confessed to was forced upon him by another friend. Sounds like he blames everyone else for his choices and he has you doing the same.

 

Hopefully someone will be along soon to offer you some helpful advice. I'm no expert but in my opinion this problem just isn't going to go away on it's own. Marriage counselling might be the place to start. Do you think your husband is punishing you for cheating on him years ago? Or do you think he uses that as a convienent excuse for his own behavior?

[risingphoenix]

Thanks for the welcome!

 

I think my affair has become a "get of jail free" card over the years. I'd like to say otherwise, but the fact that it has only ever come up when he's been caught in something has me thinking otherwise.

 

I can assure you, he was under a rather nasty influence with regards to his affair. I am not making excuses for him-like I said before, this guy had hubby so twisted he was deferring to this guy for work related stuff. (Hubby is the certified, experienced tech-friend was a helper in training...) This guy was truly bad news. He bragged about cheating on his wife over 200 times and only being caught 25... (And that's just one thing. I could go down the list of stuff this guy claims and brags about, as well as all the reasons I know he's a full blown sociopath, but that would take hours.)

 

As for the woman that emailed him, I got independent confirmation of the friend's plan. The guy had been working pretty hard for a long time to get me to sleep with him and this was his "last ditch effort". (Friend's exact words...and yeah he's not very bright because it wouldn't have been a successful plan for him.) Also, she was friends with the friend, her cell phone number only ever came up in hubby's phone records once, and there was no other trace of her anywhere.

 

Hubby has owned up to the affair. I had no suspicions, he wasn't caught in anything and could have gone on deceiving me, successfully. But he didn't. He told me. While the helper may have been an influence, hubby knows-and more importantly says-he was ultimately responsible.

 

I don't believe he is as innocent as he'd like me to believe. He may not have been actively seeking out the friend's daughter, or his affair partner, but the fact is, he was where he shouldn't have been and allowed those situation to happen. Even if he did nothing to encourage the friend's daughter, for example, he still saved those pics and masturbated to them. Not the actions of an innocent bystander. Not by a long shot...

[Spark1111]

Even without responses, I got something out of posting this. I got a good hard look at the pattern my husband has of emotionally neglecting me in favor of almost anything that comes along...friend's daughter, porn, affair partner, etc.

 

Is there anything that can be done to break the pattern? I'm thinking it's some sort of commitment issue because he seems to have escalated after we moved and it was just me and him, then again after we had our child. Though I'm not sure what the motivating relationship factor would have been for the actual affair-maybe that we were getting along better than we had in a long time?

 

Thoughts? Suggestions?

 

RP, your husband has boundary issues, period.

 

He has boundary issues because maybe he has suffered from depression caused by low self-esteem for a very, very, long time.

 

He needs to go to counseling to understand why he is easy pickings for anyone who validates him in any way, shape or form, even con artists.

 

He needs to do the tough job of self-introspection to allow him to validate HIMSELF.

 

You can't do it for him.

 

His affairs, attentions, etc. have nothing to do with you! They are so very obviously a desperate need for validation from strangers. Try to get to a counslor.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

RP, your husband has boundary issues, period.

 

He has boundary issues because maybe he has suffered from depression caused by low self-esteem for a very, very, long time.

 

He needs to go to counseling to understand why he is easy pickings for anyone who validates him in any way, shape or form, even con artists.

 

He needs to do the tough job of self-introspection to allow him to validate HIMSELF.

 

You can't do it for him.

 

His affairs, attentions, etc. have nothing to do with you! They are so very obviously a desperate need for validation from strangers. Try to get to a counslor.

 

As much as I agree with this...I also tend to think that HER having the affair FIRST has made him turn to all this negativity as well. I don't think that aspect of the marriage was dealt with properly..hence the reasons he's been treating her like *****.

 

I am not trying to validate is actions or what not..but my sense is he's thinking...whats good for the goose is good for the gander!

[risingphoenix]

Thank you Spark. I'm trying very hard to cope with this and to give him the chance to make things right. It's very hard not to blame myself because of my affair, worry over whether or not I'm not doing something or providing something he needs, etc. It's nice to hear that it may not have anything to do with me.

 

I would love to go to counseling, either separately or together. (I'm so shell-shocked over all this, I'm sure I need my own counseling.) I want him to go because I really do think he needs it. Trouble is, he works out of town during the week and the city he's in is changes. Making regular appointments is impossible, unless they can be done by phone or on the weekends. The marriage counselor I checked out a couple of weeks doesn't do either-but I will keep looking.

[phillyfan]

Dude, speakin as a guy I can tell u that grown men are not 'led astray'-they cheat cause they want to cheat, end of story. And messin with an 18yr old, shes a kid really, that doesnt sound good. Hes disrespectin you. Dont make excuses for him.

[risingphoenix]

He was 22 at the time, so while there is an age difference between him and the friend's daughter, it's not a big one...

[michelangelo]

And the impact of that boundary loss has echoed across your entire marriage.

 

You two need marriage counseling--at minimum--if you are to survive this latest crap.

[alchemistj]

well. he wasn't meant to be with you. he chose to do that so let him do whathe wants to do. and divorce that man. when men do something they will always keep doing it no matter what

[Distant78]

Oh well. Both of you cheated. Now you know how he felt when you cheated on him. While it is understandable why he cheated, it's not your fault, and he's as bad as you are now. He should've packed his bags when he caught you but now, he's turned into the very thing he resented. I say divorce is the only option. Too many "incidents" occurred between you two.

[Woman In Blue]

Dude, speakin as a guy I can tell u that grown men are not 'led astray'-they cheat cause they want to cheat, end of story. And messin with an 18yr old, shes a kid really, that doesnt sound good. Hes disrespectin you. Dont make excuses for him.

Thank God someone finally said it. Phoenix, I read the ridiculous excuses you kept making for your husband's behavior and just kept rolling my eyes as I read. "This one" was trying to seduce him away from you with nude pictures, "that one" was trying to lure your husband away in some diabolical 'plot' so her male friend could get to YOU, and the most ridiculous excuse of them all - your husband cheated on you "because his dirtbag friend manipulated him into being his wing man so the friend could get close to HER friend." Oh for God's sakes. Stop making all these insane excuses for him.

 

They had sex 5 times, he said he had a difficult time with it (if you know what I mean), and that the guilt was eating him alive.

Do you honestly believe that ridiculous story? Wow, your hubby is quite the GOOD friend to his buddy, going to bat for him 5 times and EACH TIME, it being such torture for him. Jesus.

 

This is called doing "damage control." Do you honestly think your husband is going to admit that he enjoyed cheating on you? Ain't gonna happen. But jeez, you'd think he'd come up with something a little more believeable than that ridiculous story.

 

Your biggest mistake was marrying when you two were still children, and as is usually the case for a young man in his 20's, your husband's hormones are now bouncing off the walls and he's craving variety. It's not rocket science. Your affair in the beginning of the marriage (yet proving again you two were way too young to be married) simply set the pace for the future of this marriage. He USES your affair as an excuse to cheat but the sad truth is that he was married too young and he's bursting at the seams for some freedom and variety. Your affair is just a convenient excuse he uses to get away with his behavior. But this is what happens when young people marry. They grow up and usually grow apart.

 

I think your FIRST order of business is to STOP blaming "outside influences" and "manipulative friends of your husband's who hate you" as the reasons for his cheating. Your husband is NOT a victim, but I think you paint him that way because it makes it easier for your ego to accept his cheating. And as long as you continue blaming everyone else for your poor innocent "victim" of a husband, the cycle is just doomed to repeat itself.

[risingphoenix]

It may sound like I'm blaming everything else but my husband, but that is not the case, I assure you. My husband's main character flaw-aside from the cheating-is that he *is* impressionable to outside manipulation. It's always been a problem in his life, and I'm sure it'll always be an issue. Due to bad influences in combination of this character flaw, my husband has gotten involved in many things he wouldn't do on his own. It's also worked for the positive in some cases, too. He's impressionable, naive, and wants to believe that people can't be evil. And he worries far too much about hurting people's feelings. Ironically, everyone elses but mine in terms of the affair. Sad, but true.

 

I *know* the fault lies with him and none of this has anything to do with my ego.

 

"Damage control"? I didn't have a clue an affair was going on until he told me about it. If he wanted to do damage control, he could have gone on without me knowing anything. I knew no one who knew this woman-she lives 4 hours away from us, and his employer wasn't going to tell me. She's married and has every interest in not being discovered. He could have, for all intents and purposes, gone on for the rest of his life without saying a word about it and I wouldn't have known. But he didn't. He chose to tell me about it on his own.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It may sound like I'm blaming everything else but my husband

 

Nope, doesn't sound like that at all. For you even blamed him for getting you pregnant ("he did it").

 

 

I too think marriage counseling is the main hope remaining.

 

If that fails, then don't be afraid to part ways with your husband.

 

 

Though I do applaud your merely having written this all down for your own reference/understanding/clarity.