Can a spouse be a good parent if she/he stays with the parent who cheated?

[oxfordsocks]

I have posted this question after responding to the thread about a cheater being a good parent.

 

It was also a question I posed to my MM's spouse when we spoke and I asked her about staying with her husband who cheated for two years with me. What is the difference - is it any worse ? why would it be worse?

 

So we have a cheater -who by most peoples responses to the parent who cheated is not a good parent --and I will now be interested to see these responses. I expect that the parent who stays will look like the reverent one who is holding the family together as glue--and who is trying to hold the family together etc... but is this really a good example?

 

Fighting for your family versus--yah its ok to have your spouse break your vows but we will still be together --and thus if it happens to you in the future you to should immulate. Is the parent teaching that lying and deceiving is acceptable? Is it ok to stay with someone who has broken the one of the most sacred bonds of a marriage to cherish no other?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Whether they are a good parent or not would depend on how they prioritize their emotions after the fact.

 

A person who is betrayed and then uses that as a way to emotionally manipulate the spouse and children is not going to be a good parent. It is one thing to be hurt and work through that hurt, and quite another to use the situation to play martyr far past the point.

 

A person who is betrayed, and then constructively works through the pain and problems with the spouse, while insulating the children from unnecessary involvement can be a good parent.

 

A person who is betrayed, writes off the spouse as a parter/lover and lives as a purely functional arrangement can be a good parent as well - that is what I did after my exH dropped the "open marriage" crap on me. I let go of him as as lover and a husband and focused on his value and good points as a father (he was and is a great father - always will be). We provided positive parenting experiences and passed down the value of friendship, even though our lives as "husband and wife" were basically over.

 

It is like being handed a basket of broken eggs - you can let them rot, throw them away or you can whip them up into something useful. Depends on the person, you know?

[Baroness67]

A person who is betrayed, writes off the spouse as a parter/lover and lives as a purely functional arrangement can be a good parent as well - that is what I did after my exH dropped the "open marriage" crap on me. I let go of him as as lover and a husband and focused on his value and good points as a father (he was and is a great father - always will be). We provided positive parenting experiences and passed down the value of friendship, even though our lives as "husband and wife" were basically over.

 

This. I come from a childhood where my family was terribly broken up with a pretty tawdry affair. The family unit was splintered and the individuals involved have really never recovered. All because one of my parents got the hots for a side dish one day and could not find it within themselves to see the potential consequences. Also, because my other parent pretty much freaked out and went crazy and did a lot of stuff that fortunately came up just short of a Betty Broderick.

 

I always believed that I had married a "strong" man from a "strong" background because his parents had been married for decades, and in fact still are married. What I didn't realize is that I married him for stability, stability which he took for granted. In fact, my husband had so much stability in his life that he pretty much threw stability down the crapper as soon as he hit midlife, decided life was short and that he needed "to be happy" and this was the most important thing.

 

It's been hard. But, unlike my own parent who freaked out when the betrayal became evident, upending the lives of all of us kids because she couldn't handle the situation personally ... I would like to think I am stronger.

 

I have created this stable family life for my children, and I am protecting it like a lioness. Unless I throw him out, my husband will not walk out on this life we have created with our home and children. If I do throw him out, which I think about all the time, trust me, what does that do? Does it make this wretched girlfriend their new potential stepmother? Split the home up and have them visit Daddy and whoever? Sorry, just ... no. I did that. It is not what I want for my kids.

 

I am staying for my kids - and I think I am being the better parent for them.

 

I do not feel I am teaching my kids that deception is OK. I think I am teaching them that there are people in life who can be depended upon to have their back 100%, despite the fact that life throws tons of curveballs. I would rather have my children respect me for sacrificing for them, than have the dubious pleasure of the respect of others who think they know better than I do what's going on in my head or in my life.

[bentnotbroken]

Is the BS taking time, money and energy away from their family by staying with the WS? If they are then they are being a bad parent. If they are focused on their children, not taking away time from them to be tweaking with someone or something else(my case alocohol and thoughts of suicide) they are being a good parent.

[BB07]

Baroness67, I'm not going to say what I have to say to change your mind, but it's my POV. First I am the adult daughter of a serial cheater. My father did not start out being a serial cheater, because at first there was mainly one OW, but there ended up being many more but the serial thing is really beside the point.

 

I was 9 when the trouble first started with my mother and father and until the day I left home at 17 it continued and this is why. My mother.......bless her heart is one of the kindest, sweetest almost saintly women you could ever meet, but.......she did make some big mistakes with my father. She kept letting him go back and forth, over and over again. Yes she let him.......and yes I get that she did the best that she could do and she did what she thought was right at the time, but she let my father walk all over her and believe me.......he took advantage of this fact. In other words she allowed his behavior because she did not kick his sorry arse out.

Sometime when I think back on it, I'm not sure what part of it screwed me up more.....my father's cheating or my mother being a door mat and that she failed to protect me and my brothers, although I'm sure she didn't see it that way at the time. The constant going back and forth and my father's alcohol problem and his abuse of us, were fueled by his hatred of himself and sometimes I've wondered if things would have been different if she had stood up for herself more and said.......no more.

 

As a result, at the age of 50 I have a very difficult time with picking good men. As FOG said........my man picker is broken.

 

I'm not saying that a situation anywhere near this is going on in your home, but do consider what your example is to your children. They should see a strong woman as their mother, one who does not allow a man to treat them badly or be disrespected and you should ask yourself if they may resent you someday for putting up with something you shouldn't have put up with in the guise of protecting them.

[NoIDidn't]

I have posted this question after responding to the thread about a cheater being a good parent.

 

It was also a question I posed to my MM's spouse when we spoke and I asked her about staying with her husband who cheated for two years with me. What is the difference - is it any worse ? why would it be worse?

 

So we have a cheater -who by most peoples responses to the parent who cheated is not a good parent --and I will now be interested to see these responses. I expect that the parent who stays will look like the reverent one who is holding the family together as glue--and who is trying to hold the family together etc... but is this really a good example?

 

Fighting for your family versus--yah its ok to have your spouse break your vows but we will still be together --and thus if it happens to you in the future you to should immulate. Is the parent teaching that lying and deceiving is acceptable? Is it ok to stay with someone who has broken the one of the most sacred bonds of a marriage to cherish no other?

 

Geez, Oxford. Following your logic (in the question in the last paragraph), I'd have to kick out my teen for lying and deceiving me as well as he'd obviously teach the younger kids that its okay to lie and deceive in this family and still have a place in it.

 

Seriously, I don't see a comparison in staying with a person that STOPS that behavior vs. the person that continues in it. In order to conduct the affair, the OP accepts a person that is continuing the lies and deception. If an affair is discovered, the MP is told there is no marriage unless that behavior stops.

 

Plus, my H is my family. I can easily throw a stranger OUT of my life and keep my family together vs throw my family member out and turn my life even more upside down than it had to be if the unwanted behavior was addressed and corrected.

[JAGeezer]

Hmmm, unlike my response to the inverse of this question, on another thread, here I believe it really does depend on the person. Personally, I'd give a cheating spouse the heave ho at once. No discussion, no negotiation, no listening to whiny self-serving explanations. The marriage is done. But that's just my personal experience talking. Other people take their own route, and some few of them make it work.

 

Having chosen to "make their bed" with the WS, if the BS is tough enough to make the situation work, WHATEVER that situation turns out to be, an open marriage (which is no marriage at all in my opinion), just roomies, or even a full reconciliation...and still keep the home environment as emotionally healthy as possible for the kids, then more power to them. However, the sad and simple fact is that, regardless of the BS's efforts and good intentions, the WS will already have done considerable damage to the children by being unable to keep their pants zipped or stay off their back around people who aren't their spouse. Even if there's a full reconciliation and everything comes up puppies and butterflies, the damage has been done, and the kids will never forget.

 

THAT is the legacy, courtesy of the WS and their AP, that both the WS and the BS have to deal with on behalf of their children. Whether they do it together or separately is of no consequence as long as the BS puts the kids ahead of his/her own needs and desires, they're a good parent. This goes along with the caveat that, if the BS can't stand the thought of even looking at their WS anymore....well, best for the kids that they D and be done with it. That also makes the BS a good parent.

 

JAG

[PortuguesePrincess80]

I have posted this question after responding to the thread about a cheater being a good parent.

 

It was also a question I posed to my MM's spouse when we spoke and I asked her about staying with her husband who cheated for two years with me. What is the difference - is it any worse ? why would it be worse?

 

So we have a cheater -who by most peoples responses to the parent who cheated is not a good parent --and I will now be interested to see these responses. I expect that the parent who stays will look like the reverent one who is holding the family together as glue--and who is trying to hold the family together etc... but is this really a good example?

 

Fighting for your family versus--yah its ok to have your spouse break your vows but we will still be together --and thus if it happens to you in the future you to should immulate. Is the parent teaching that lying and deceiving is acceptable? Is it ok to stay with someone who has broken the one of the most sacred bonds of a marriage to cherish no other?

 

 

Funny thread indeed. I guess we can all turn around and ask...how good is the parent that involved themselves with a married person?

[Owl]

You know...I realize that this thread may come across to some as a 'dig' at BS's...and I'm not going to hazard a guess as to what it's intent truly was.

 

But...I will also admit that I asked myself a very similar question.

 

 

All of my kids are adults. And I've seen two of my sons go through relationships with women that quite honestly I've felt "weren't worth it". Borderline abusive, rude, and simply not investing the same amount into the relationships as my sons clearly were.

 

And I couldn't see why my boys stayed in these relationships.

 

They clearly weren't getting back from the relationship what they were putting into it.

 

And I wondered if perhaps they'd taken my example of fighting to save my marriage when my wife was involved in an EA and now think that EVERY relationship MUST be saved or fought for like that.

 

Ultimately my boys did end these relationships. They're either happy now on their own or in a better situation.

 

So I don't believe that I gave them a 'bad example'...they just needed to learn the limits of how far they should fight for a relationship...and what they believe is acceptable in the 'give and take' of one.

 

Looking at it...I would say that a BS who stays with a cheater who continnues to cheat on them long term is probably not setting the example that they would prefer to for their kids.

 

But also again...who REALLY is setting the horrible example in that situation...the cheater themselves. Why try to twist that 'blame' back onto anyone else?

[Silly_Girl]

You know...I realize that this thread may come across to some as a 'dig' at BS's...and I'm not going to hazard a guess as to what it's intent truly was.

 

But...I will also admit that I asked myself a very similar question.

 

 

All of my kids are adults. And I've seen two of my sons go through relationships with women that quite honestly I've felt "weren't worth it". Borderline abusive, rude, and simply not investing the same amount into the relationships as my sons clearly were.

 

And I couldn't see why my boys stayed in these relationships.

 

They clearly weren't getting back from the relationship what they were putting into it.

 

And I wondered if perhaps they'd taken my example of fighting to save my marriage when my wife was involved in an EA and now think that EVERY relationship MUST be saved or fought for like that.

 

Ultimately my boys did end these relationships. They're either happy now on their own or in a better situation.

 

So I don't believe that I gave them a 'bad example'...they just needed to learn the limits of how far they should fight for a relationship...and what they believe is acceptable in the 'give and take' of one.

 

Looking at it...I would say that a BS who stays with a cheater who continnues to cheat on them long term is probably not setting the example that they would prefer to for their kids.

 

But also again...who REALLY is setting the horrible example in that situation...the cheater themselves. Why try to twist that 'blame' back onto anyone else?

 

I loved this post Owl, all except the last sentence which I didn't think was necessary as I didn't think anyone was trying to blame BS's.

 

I had the same with my R. Had to decide if the stability and the memories etc etc was worth it when my boy could sometimes see the pain I was in. I consider I was negligent for fighting to save the R for so long, which fits with your post. But not for fighting for it at all.

[Snowflower]

 

And I wondered if perhaps they'd taken my example of fighting to save my marriage when my wife was involved in an EA and now think that EVERY relationship MUST be saved or fought for like that.

 

Ultimately my boys did end these relationships. They're either happy now on their own or in a better situation.

 

So I don't believe that I gave them a 'bad example'...they just needed to learn the limits of how far they should fight for a relationship...and what they believe is acceptable in the 'give and take' of one.

 

 

I'd like to add to this...no one learns everything about relationships solely from their parents. Obviously, our (general term) parents' relationship is a primary model but we learn from other relationships, as well.

 

But to be honest, I did wonder what example I was setting for my kids. They have some knowledge of what happened in our marriage. I can only hope they don't repeat the mistakes that my husband and yes, I, made.

 

If our children can avoid the pain of infidelity in their own marriages someday, in part by what they witnessed between my husband and I as their parents, then some of the pain we endured might be worth it.

[Spark1111]

I have posted this question after responding to the thread about a cheater being a good parent.

 

It was also a question I posed to my MM's spouse when we spoke and I asked her about staying with her husband who cheated for two years with me. What is the difference - is it any worse ? why would it be worse?

 

So we have a cheater -who by most peoples responses to the parent who cheated is not a good parent --and I will now be interested to see these responses. I expect that the parent who stays will look like the reverent one who is holding the family together as glue--and who is trying to hold the family together etc... but is this really a good example?

 

Fighting for your family versus--yah its ok to have your spouse break your vows but we will still be together --and thus if it happens to you in the future you to should immulate. Is the parent teaching that lying and deceiving is acceptable? Is it ok to stay with someone who has broken the one of the most sacred bonds of a marriage to cherish no other?

 

It depends what the chldren witness and how much they are aware of.

 

My children knew much of it and they confronted my fWS. They saw a strong, confident and resourceful woman brought to her knees by their father's infidelity.They also vowed to support me in any decision I made in whatever time frame I needed to make it.

 

THey told me I could speak to and do anything necessary to heal myself.

 

I told them that regardless of what decision I made, I expected them to treat their father with respect, and to treat his OW with respect too if that is how it went. I also promised them I would not be crazy this same time next year.:o

 

They saw my H take one heavy step after another, through guilt, shame and remorse, to become a better man who every day attempted to make ammends and redeem himself to both me and to them.

 

They forgave him first, but I only entered reconciliation in fits and starts as I tried to wrestle with my ability to trust him again. They learned that depression deserves kindness with other issues needing to be dealt with at a later date when some healing has taken place.

 

They learned that communication is the key to understanding and secrets can kill intimate and familial relationships.

 

They learned that respect is hard won and hard earned and very easily lost in poor choices. And that love and respect are among your most valuable commodities, and someone who seeks to change --against the odds and opinions of loved ones, friends and the community at large, through perseverence and behavior, can be forgiven...can be transformed into a better person.

 

And through all our failings, drama, sadness, madness, we are stronger, kinder, and yes...still together.

 

And their is no bad parenting in those lessons in my opinion.

[2themoon&back]

I have posted this question after responding to the thread about a cheater being a good parent.

 

It was also a question I posed to my MM's spouse when we spoke and I asked her about staying with her husband who cheated for two years with me. What is the difference - is it any worse ? why would it be worse?

 

So we have a cheater -who by most peoples responses to the parent who cheated is not a good parent --and I will now be interested to see these responses. I expect that the parent who stays will look like the reverent one who is holding the family together as glue--and who is trying to hold the family together etc... but is this really a good example?

 

Fighting for your family versus--yah its ok to have your spouse break your vows but we will still be together --and thus if it happens to you in the future you to should immulate. Is the parent teaching that lying and deceiving is acceptable? Is it ok to stay with someone who has broken the one of the most sacred bonds of a marriage to cherish no other?

 

IMHO, I will say this if YOU are happy…your kids will be happy, but with that said both of my parents were serial cheaters, I was 9 when they first separated, and they would get back together and split up again and this went on through my whole childhood, (I am an only child) and they finally divorced when I was 27 years old. (I say they stayed together just long enough to make me crazy--they were married 32 years)

 

What I learned from this is kids seem to be used a lot of times to justify what adults want. As adults we decide who kids hang out with, what they wear, where they go, but when it comes to a spouse that has cheated all of a sudden they (kids) take a part in the responsibility of what happens to the marriage.

 

This is so unfair to me, I never wanted my parents to stay together because of me, because my mother cried all the time and was happy sometime with several OM but not as many A's as my dad, my dad was never happy and he had several OW. They were always working on the M, and it seemed I lost both parents to this; I would have rather them split and give me the chance to be with both of them separately.

 

For me I would have had better relationships with both of them and more respect for both of them and they may have had a chance to be happy with someone else, instead of making all of us miserable.

 

I thought my mother was weak for staying with someone who would treat her this way and then I was scared for her when she would have A’s, my dad was more private with his A’s, but I found out about them by being in the same house with them and I felt he was just as weak for not leaving the marriage to pursue his other interest.

 

I, as an adult, I have not been able to be in a healthy relationship, (I do not have a clear idea what one looks like) all my R’s have some form of abuse i.e. emotional, physical, or mental sometimes all of these and everyone I have ever been involved with had one or more A’s. One of my husband’s even got OW pregnant and married her. I have been divorced more than once and now to add insult to stupidness I have, after 25 year of marriage and 46 years of life, choose to have an A with a MM, which was something I said I would never never do because of what it did to my life as a child. i do not blame all of my bad decisions on my parents, but due to their lack of coping skills I was illequipped for life and I had to learn coping skills as an adult with an IC.

 

So, no I do not think weather you stay with a spouse that cheated or not defines you as a good or bad parent, but it will teach your kids what to except from their spouse, they may even look for a partner with those qualities without knowing or understanding why they are doing so or that they themselves may think that they can have an A and everything will be ok.

 

I think the normal things that make us good parents are the same things you would teach them in a home that does not have a cheater in the mix---to teach our children to have self esteem, self respect and to be independent, that way if they are every in this situation, they will not have to stay in it because of children, financial, security, or fear.