Suzie Q Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Hi, I have been exclusively seeing a man for over 13 yrs now, we have been happy together, although I often wondered why he never asked me to marry him. I wanted to get married again (I was divorced with two children just before I met him). I hinted around at this, but he never has asked me, I get really sad when I see any thing to do with weddings or anniversaries. I was married for 11 yrs, and he was married for about the same amount of time and divorced about a year before we met. He kept in touch with his ex-wife in regards to the dogs (he is a vet). She lives in another state and she has re-married. A long time ago the dogs died (of old age). My biggest problem is, and what I really, really need advise for is: I was messing around on an old computer he had given my son, and was setting up an email account for him. My "boy-friend" (I think it sounds silly to say "boy-friend when he is in his 50's and I am in my 40's!) Anyway, I found a email he had sent his ex-wife around Christmas time about a year AFTER we had moved in together...we didn't move in together until we had been in the relationship for about 11yrs. Anyway, I found this email after we had lived together for a year! I just can't seem to get it out of my mind! I wish I had never looked, Ignorance is bliss...right??? Maybe, but it's still ignorance! I would rather be hurt and know the truth! What I want advise on is what do I do now? I really love him, and have obviously invested a lot of time in this relationship, but I want to be the ONLY one he loves (except his family of course!) Is that too much to ask? Please help me, I have no one else to talk to because he is also, or was, my best friend, the only one I thought I could trust. I feel like an idiot and I feel betrayed. Should I leave? What are your suggestions? Please HELP!!! THANK YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I depends a lot on the content of the email. If it was romantic in nature, you ought to confront your guy and ask him just what was happening at that time. If it wasn't, I wouldn't worry about it. People are entitled to email hellos to just about anybody they want in a free country. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 You don't say what was in the email, but I assume the contents were not what you were expecting to read, but something that would question his loyalty to you. Don't wait for him to ask you to marry him because if he hasn't by now, he's not going to; and why should he? He has all the priviledges of marriage without the commitment that goes with it. All you can do is lay your cards on the table. If you are living with this man, why can't you openly tell him that you want to be married to him? You're sharing the most intimate part of your life with him, yet you can't communicate your wants and needs for the future? My advice is to get all this out in the open so that at least you will be able to decide for yourself if you want to stay in a relationship without the commitment of marriage. I've been married 21 years, and I can certainly understand your need for marriage, especially if you have a child. Don't settle for anything less than what is most important to you. I know that living together is trendy, but in the long run, you're setting yourself up for trouble as you get older in regards to property, wills and estates, unless you have this already taken care of. It's easy for me to say, I'm not you, but that's what I would do in this situation. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Suzie Q Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Jeese....I belive I forgot to put in what the email said!!! The email was to his ex-wife from him, my boy-friend and it was just about general stuff, short, but it was the ending of the email that ripped my heart out, it said, I love you so much and really miss you this time of the year...reffering to Xmas time. That's why I said, I wanted to be the ONLY one he loves! Sorry all, didn't mean to be so confusing, this has just really upset me! I will look forward to your advise, Thank you in advance! Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I don't see anything significant to worry about here regarding the content of the last line in this email....if he never sees her or has anything else to do with her. People write stuff all the time for rhetorical purposes. People throw the "love" word around like it's a volleyball. Don't sweat things if everything else is going OK...unless, of course, you like to be upset. If things continue to bother you, tell him you stumbled across this email and you'd like to know why he threw that ending into the mail...and if he still corresponds with this lady from his distant past. See what he says. We can't work this out for you here...you have to talk it out with your guy. Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Well, it's hard to say. He could have been caught up in the Christmas spirit and reminiscing about the past and got a little bit "warm and fuzzy" so to speak. But, if you've read my last post, why not just have a good old fashioned heart to heart talk with him. Maybe he still does have some feelings for his ex-wife, I suppose that is easily done if you were married that long and don't hate each other. Doesn't necessarily mean he's madly in love with her, but I'd say he just hasn't let go fully yet, if he writes things like that. Does he tell you he loves you? Does he show his love to you everyday? That should be considered also. Best just to communicate your feelings to him in a calm way and take it from there and see how he responds. Link to post Share on other sites
Carly Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Sorry, Charlie, but no one just happens to "stumble" across someone else's email. In order to read someoene else's email, you have to snoop. Doesn't matter what you were doing to clean up the computer (uh, huh) or whatever. You snooped, snooped, snooped. There is no way that you could have read your husband's email without actively clicking some very specific buttons, and you know what I am talking about. So, since you are not willing to own up to your snooping, I can't tell what else you are not willing to own up to. I can deduce, however, that you lack honesty, as well as responsibility for your own wrong doings. Perhaps this is a character flaw that your live-in finds less than attractive. Here's something to try for a few weeks, or perhaps a lifetime: Be just as honest with others (including your partner) as you would like them to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Suzie Q Posted June 4, 2003 Share Posted June 4, 2003 Thank you to Tony & luvmyboys, I appreciate the advise which was intelligent and thoughtful...thanks to you good people out there! As for the post from Carly...It didn't have anything to do with what I asked for. It wasn't the best thing to do, but it happened, I'm sure you have never made any mistakes in your life, right? Link to post Share on other sites
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