[silverMoon]

Hi. I'm quite new here. I've been browsing the site for some time, although this is the first time I posted something.

I've been wondering about something for few months now. For your info, I'll be 27 this year and presently, I'm continuing my studies. I've been in relationships before but it's been a few years since the last one.

There's this one lecturer, that I'm interested in. He's 9 or 10 years older than me and he is married with kids. It's not that we're having a romantic relationship or something like that, but there is a kind of special relationship between us.

I'm not sure about my feelings toward him. I'm very fond of him and maybe more. I can't really testify to his feelings about me. We've never talked about it. But, he does treat me differently from others.

There is a kind of "push-pull" relationship between us. I think it comes from the fact that we both know that we're not going anywhere. If one of us pulls back, the other will pull him/her. If one gets to close, the other will push him/her back. So, we're kinda stuck in this position.

I don't want to be in a relationship with him. It goes against my principle. But, I can't stop my feelings from escalating. I'm afraid I'm being too obvious. I get jealous if I see him talking to other women. I feel irritated if I think he's not paying attention to me. I can't stop thinking about him.

[Tony T]

For Gawd's sake, lady, the guy is married with kids. Get ahold of yourself!!!

You're in college. If you want to get laid, you can do that just about every day in that environment without going for a college professor who could lose his job and his marriage if he were discovered. The heartbreak for many people you could cause by pursuing this even one more step could be tragic.

Control yourself. Just totally withdraw from this guy. Stop the interaction. This guy is your instructor. If you must, talk to him about this. He's obviously getting his jollies flirting with you and it's pretty sickening.

I understand clearly in your post that you don't want to get anything going with this guy but I don't buy it. You wouldn't be so concerned and interested in what to do if you had no interest in taking it further.

Use this as practice for becoming fond of men who are single and available and avoiding the ones who are married. You can do it. As you said, this is going nowhere so there's no point in even discussing it.

If you feel you have totally no control over your mind and behavior, see a university counsellor to help you deal with this. There are many temptations in life that can get you in big trouble. If you aren't able to control yourself, you could find yourself in big, big trouble. Counsellors are available to you and very experienced in dealing with such matters in a confidential manner. Please take advantage of the service.

Good luck to you in finding a nice, single professor....or other guy on or off campus. They are there...I just saw one a few minutes ago.

[silverMoon]

Thanks for the input. I'm sorry if I came out sounding like I want a solution. I didn't put up the post because I want an answer. I know what I want. I just need to talk about it. Come to think about it, I'm having second thoughts about posting in the first place.

Like I said, I posted it because I need to talk about it. I can't talk about it to people around me. I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's pathetic and unfair to my family, friends etc, but I can't do it. The option open to me is to talk to strangers, total strangers.

[midori]

Originally posted by silverMoon

Like I said, I posted it because I need to talk about it. I can't talk about it to people around me. I can't bring myself to do it. I know it's pathetic and unfair to my family, friends etc, but I can't do it. The option open to me is to talk to strangers, total strangers.

um, I think that if you're contemplating something that you can't bring yourself to talk to your friends and family about, it's because you know they wouldn't approve.

And you've discovered that total strangers don't approve either. Perhaps you were posting here hoping to hear from someone who's happily in an extramarital affair? Or even someone who seduced a man away from his wife and kids and is now happily ensconced in his life?

Anyone out there that fits the bill? Hello? Hello? Hmm...

It's not just that it isn't a good idea because you'd be hurting his wife & kids. It's also not a good idea because the likelihood of a happy ending for you -- assuming he did agree to start an affair with you -- is slim to none. How would you feel once it ended? Would it have been worth it?

Right now there's a flirtation, or at least a bit of chemistry between you two. Enjoy that for what it is -- a man you find attractive thinks you're attractive too. Nice little ego boost, isn't it? It's a delightful little feeling -- why ruin that by trying to turn it into something it cannot and should not be?

Stop trying to kid yourself (and total strangers): you're trying to see if you can start an affair with this guy. You're ashamed of yourself to some extent, and if you succeed, you'll place the blame on fate or irresistible chemistry, instead of admitting it's a deliberate course of action that you set out on. Actions taken under such blatant self-deception have a tendency to turn out badly.

Lastly, consider this: there may be mutually recognized chemistry between the two of you, but that doesn't mean your prof has any intention of acting on it. If you make a pass at him you could find yourself being humiliated with rejection, as he kindly explains that he's a married man and while your attention is flattering ... ugh. How awful would that be?

Life holds enough trouble as it is. Why seek out more?

[silverMoon]

I didn't post to gain approval or encouragement. Heck, I don't approve of affairs either. I admit that I'm attracted to him, but I don't intend to do anything about it. I can't change my feelings overnight either. I was just hoping that through posting I would be able to vent my feelings rather than bottle up everything.

Yes, you're right about people around me would not approve. But, that is not the reason why I did not tell them. To me, I couldn't care less if they approve or not. It's just that I have problems trusting people. No matter how much I want to talk about it, I just can't bring myself to do it.

Another thing, we are not flirting with each other! It's true that we treat each other in a special way, but there is nothing improper involved. It's just as if we are best friends and I'd like it to stay that way. For now, my feelings is getting in the way. I can't make them dissappear instantly, but I can work towards it. Why else did you think I wrote this post?

[Carly]

Deny, deny, deny...

No, I doubt that you are just posting here "to vent:" You are still romantically tormented over this married daddy-oh.

Despite what you say, this married professor is NOT really "like a best friend" to you. In fact, I doubt that he is a friend of any kind to you at all.

You say that you are not flirty with him, yet you are two adults who are attracted to each other and "treating each other in a special way." Hmmm, if it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck....

You say that you have trouble trusting people. I can see that. Midori gave you an articulate, kind, reasoned, compassionate and insightful reply to help you with your hang up. But you don't trust her advice. Or the advice of anyone else who's provided it to you in this thread. And you can't trust anyone in your private life for advice either. Instead of accepting any good advice, you respond with psychobabble that's only fooling yourself.

Maybe if you change your ways to becoming more honest with YOURSELF, then trust of others will follow.

Good luck.