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WTF have I done???? Is kissing Cheating!


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Old 10th June 2009, 11:10 PM   #1
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WTF have I done???? Is kissing Cheating!

I have been in a committed relationship for ten years now engaged for almost three, two wonderful kids. Bottom line I f'd up lastnight. Lets just say I think I can finally admit I have a drinking prob. (no excuse). NEVER once in ten yrs have I even come close to cheating, well lastnight I got drunk and kissed someone I work with and am fairly close to. I guess I want to know is this really cheating to the point I need to ruin everyone life and lose the best job I'll ever have over 2 kisses in one night that happened more so because of the alcohol or can I close my eyes and pretend it never happened.

I really feel like crap over this, its just not me and I wish I could take those 15 mins of alone time back, but I can't. Next questions how can I ever make my guilt go away?? I love my fiance with all my heart and never ever want to be the reason of any pain. This is the worst thing Ive ever done while we were together.
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Old 10th June 2009, 11:15 PM   #2
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Your story sounds a lot like Jany's. The advice is the same: staighten up and fly right. Separate yourself from the problem if need be, especially if it's drinking. As for your question: that depends on your definition of cheating. In my opinion: cheating, yes; adultery, no. Like I said, straighten up and fly right, soldier. That's an order.
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Old 10th June 2009, 11:15 PM   #3
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Yes, it is cheating.
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Old 10th June 2009, 11:16 PM   #4
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So, what did you feel? Also, how passionate (or not) were the kisses? Both are critical, IMO. Context is everything.
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Old 10th June 2009, 11:23 PM   #5
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ok the two kisses were pretty intense yet I left and wouldnt take it anyfurther its almosr like i realized what i did the second i did it and wished i could rewind time.. My SO has cheated on me in the past I know how bad it hurts and would have never done that I dont honestly know how I let it happen, granted he had a all out 8 month relationship behind my back and we went through hell to fix it I am just overwelmed with guilt and I cant ever tell him it would ruin my life his life our childrens life my carrier everything I just dont know what to do... All because of 15 mins of losing control and being stupid...................I hate myself right now................
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Old 10th June 2009, 11:30 PM   #6
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Yes its cheating
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Old 10th June 2009, 11:44 PM   #7
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OP, what do you want to do now?

FWIW, I've experienced this with one of my wife's friends, who's married and has issues with alcohol. To me, it's one of those gray areas. I'd counsel disclosure but you know your circumstances best. TBH, I don't take what women do with they're drinking seriously, especially if they're friends. I look at the totality of the situation, accept and divert without making a big deal of things.

In your case, being a co-worker, IDK. Is this someone you perhaps have fancied for awhile? You described "close" but that can mean many things.
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Old 11th June 2009, 2:23 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by tami-chan View Post
Yes, it is cheating.
Yes X2.

If you drink and can't control what you do, stop drinking.
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Old 12th June 2009, 1:02 PM   #9
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TBH, I don't take what women do with they're drinking seriously, especially if they're friends. I look at the totality of the situation, accept and divert without making a big deal of things.
As weird as this may sound to those who have read anything I've posted about my exH & his serial cheating, I agree with carhill here. Though I, too, have been cheated on, I guess I just can't get too worked up over a kiss or two. Now, for those of you who would ask, well, what if your current husband did it, would you feel the same? I can honestly answer, yep. IF he'd been drinking (which he doesn't really do) and IF he took it only that far. Yeah, I'd be alright with it. I don't think alcohol is an excuse for doing things - a "get out of jail free card" - but I do think that, because it lowers inhibitions and clouds judgment, things need to be taken in that context. Having said that, though, if it went any farther than that, then yes, I would consider it cheating.

My advice, OP, is to steer clear of this kind of situation in the future. If you believe that drinking 'caused' or 'allowed' you to participate in this, don't go out drinking. Easier said than done for those drinkers out there, I know, but the guilt is worse than the buzz is good, right?
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Old 12th June 2009, 1:18 PM   #10
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I don't think alcohol is an excuse for doing things - a "get out of jail free card" - but I do think that, because it lowers inhibitions and clouds judgment, things need to be taken in that context. Having said that, though, if it went any farther than that, then yes, I would consider it cheating.

My advice, OP, is to steer clear of this kind of situation in the future. If you believe that drinking 'caused' or 'allowed' you to participate in this, don't go out drinking. Easier said than done for those drinkers out there, I know, but the guilt is worse than the buzz is good, right?
It seems like there has been a lot of posts about cheating while drinking lately.

I agree that alcohol is definitely NOT an excuse for things, like HM says here. But it does cloud judgment and makes you not think about the consequences in the same way and that does have some bearing.

My H cheated on me while drinking, as I have posted here before. It does not excuse things. But the fact that he was impaired sure did help me as I worked through things. If he had been cold sober when he cheated, then it would have been harder for me to work through. I had to consider the context and it made it a little easier for me to understand, not excuse, but understand. He reacted poorly to a situation in our marriage and the alcohol further clouded his judgment.

OP - I can't get all worked up about "just kissing" after what my husband and I have been through. But, it was still unacceptable and you will want to watch your behavior while drinking in the future. The fact that you feel so badly about it should tell you a lot about your integrity, which is a good thing!
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Old 12th June 2009, 1:49 PM   #11
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OP - I can't get all worked up about "just kissing" after what my husband and I have been through. But, it was still unacceptable and you will want to watch your behavior while drinking in the future. The fact that you feel so badly about it should tell you a lot about your integrity, which is a good thing!
Snowflower, I agree 100%. I can't get all worked up about "just kissing" either, after my experiences. I also think that by virtue of the OP's original post, she has a conscience & it's kicking in & that is indeed a good thing!
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Old 12th June 2009, 1:56 PM   #12
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I don't know if I'd consider that cheating because it seems like you slipped and kissed someone you shouldn't. It wasn't something that you have been doing and that you both took another step further. It doesn't sound like you have a thing for this co-worker and that was it. But again, knowing what I know now, things don't just happen randomly and that there may be attraction for this co-worker that you are unaware of. Becareful, and stay away before it's too late.
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Old 12th June 2009, 2:07 PM   #13
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1 kiss, then pull away= bad judgement, potentially related to drinking
2 kisses=CHOICE to do it the second time, knowingly and intentionally

Undoubtedly the alcohol was a factor...no doubt.

Stop drinking if you can't control yourself when you're drunk.

As far as can it stop here...well...that depends on a lot of things. IF (and it's a huge IF) you can set some severe, iron-clad boundaries, inform this co-worker that you screwed up and will NEVER do so again...and somehow take active measures to ensure that...maybe you can work that out.

If you opt to keep drinking, or if you cannot set and enforce those boundaries...you need to change jobs, or end the relationship you're currently in, because you're likely to do it again.
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Old 12th June 2009, 3:04 PM   #14
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Have you figured out why you did it? I'd say that is critical.
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Old 12th June 2009, 3:07 PM   #15
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I want to thank all of you for the time youve taken to read an respond. I have since seen and talk to my co-wrker like nothing at all ever happened. I'm going to leave it at that and go on NO MORE drinking. I just want to know how do I get over this guilt and will it just disapear. I cant ever ever let my H find out or alot of lives will be ruin so telling him is out of the ??
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