hopereys Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Hello, I found out about three months ago that my husband of 14 years had been having an affair for the past four years. He says that he did't know how to end it, she (the other woman) would threaten to tell me if he broke things off. This is a bit hard to believe. Anyhow I asked him to move out which he did. Let me add we have two darling daughters 6 and 10. From day one he broke things off with his (friend) in front of me. He is a mess and wants our marriage to work. I try, and then get so angry I can't stand to look at him. He doesn't seem to fully get the pain and damage he caused. I don't fear he will do it again, I believe he learned his lesson. I just don't know how to get past this. Let me add this freak continues to text him about how their soulmates, he completes her, etc. he shows me every time she attempts contact and doesn't respond back. Please help. Any advise? Do I continue to try or move on with my life. Which will include losing our home and raising my girls alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 The most obvious thing you should do is get him to change his 'phone!! You guys must go to counselling. This he's full oif remorse, you're full oif anger, will never break or bend, it will stand between you like a wall. You have to find a solution that will enablke you both to move on. Undersatand this: Whatever actions you take to repair this and move on - The Past will never change. he will always have had this affair. But in order for you to move on, you first of all have to understand and believe that the reasons for this affair, and it's initial launch already lay between you, in your relationship. What happened 4 years ago? Counselling is essential. But it's not intended necessarily to keep you two together, if it doesn't seem a worthwhile thing to do. If it looks as if it's a broken thing, then immediately get Legal advice.# but as far as I am aware, with two young children to bring up (and their best interests will be taken into account) I would think you get to stay in the house with them, and he has to continue paying mortgage and support. But first things first. What happened 4 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
Spinning Head Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Being on the other side of the fence, I have no doubt that your Husband told the OW that he and she were soulmates, that she completed him, etc. I doubt, after four years of an affair, that the OW came to those conclusions on her own without your husband's encouragement. More than likely, he made those statements to OW first. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted January 18, 2009 Share Posted January 18, 2009 Any advise? I don't have any, no. But have heard good things about the "Infidelity" articles at marriagebuilders.com (under the "Quick Clicks" section, in column on right hand side.) Sorry that you're going through this, and wishing you and your family positive outcomes. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Well, the OW wasn't a freak by hersself the past four yrs. Your H and the OW were in an A for the past four yrs, then they are addicted to one another. Those kinds of emotions don't just go away because one decides it's over. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I hate it when OPs come to a thread of a hurting Spouse, especially when its a Wife, and try to remind them of about the hurting OW. She is not you (the hurting OW) and this woman's husband is not your MM (at least not in most cases). Please, she was looking for help for herself - not for how to hug the OW and blame her husband for all her problems. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Hmmmm.... Is that a bunny boiling on the stove? Obviously OW is having a problem facing the fact that your husband is dumping her. Too bad, so sad. She knew what she was risking when she decided to bang around with a married man with two children. I hope she has never tried to contact you, as she might turn out to be a true freak and try to hurt you physically. BE CAREFUL. No one can tell you whether you should give your husband another chance. That's entirely up to you. It's only been 3 months and that's early on, it takes at least a year until your head stops spinning enough that you can make a rational decision. I always say, there is no deadline for divorce so take your time with it. Whatever you do, don't be moved from what is good for YOU, no matter how much begging, crying and pleading he does. After all, while he was on fantasy island, his mind was far far away from you. You owe him nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 Certainly you need to change his phone, email, any way she has of contacting him, and you should have his passwords as well until you feel solid again. Now that he has moved out, OW probably feels this is what she has been waiting for, and expects him to make a decision. Its possible that when she realizes he is still unavailable to her she will resign herself and go away. If she is married, reveal all to her spouse. Call it spite or practicality or morals - is must be done. And I would have no issue telling her personally to stay far far away from my family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopereys Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Being on the other side of the fence, I have no doubt that your Husband told the OW that he and she were soulmates, that she completed him, etc. I doubt, after four years of an affair, that the OW came to those conclusions on her own without your husband's encouragement. More than likely, he made those statements to OW first. Its sounds as if you have been the"OW" at one time. Let me make it clear that I completely blame my husband for this and at first felt sorry for the "OW". As time went on I became angry at her also. We ,my husband and I are now dealing with saying goodbye after being together a long time, dealing with our daughters emotions, finances, etc. Yet this freak is worried about getting laid. Ya that angers me a bit. He is not the first married man she has been with and won't be the last. I no longer feel sorry for her. In fact she is going to mess the the wrong persons family sometime and regret it. As for you being the other woman I am sorry that you don't feel you are good enough to be with someone that will commit to you and only you. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 You find out who this OW is and get ahold of her parents. Or her boyfriend if she has one, let the parents or the bf know what she is doing, maybe she'll back off if others know what she's doing or trying to do by contacting your husband still. She does know the A is over, right? She won't go away because she can't see it's over. All you can do is control what you do and how you handle this. You and your husband need to do marriage counselling together and apart. Time is on your side, so don't feel you HAVE to get over all this quickly. It takes time, effort and desire for both of you to work through this. Because of your two kids, you both owe it to them to try to fix things, give it your best. IF by chance you can't get past what he did, then divorce..But until you've given it your all, don't throw in the towel and walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopereys Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 You find out who this OW is and get ahold of her parents. Or her boyfriend if she has one, let the parents or the bf know what she is doing, maybe she'll back off if others know what she's doing or trying to do by contacting your husband still. She does know the A is over, right? She won't go away because she can't see it's over. All you can do is control what you do and how you handle this. You and your husband need to do marriage counselling together and apart. Time is on your side, so don't feel you HAVE to get over all this quickly. It takes time, effort and desire for both of you to work through this. Because of your two kids, you both owe it to them to try to fix things, give it your best. IF by chance you can't get past what he did, then divorce..But until you've given it your all, don't throw in the towel and walk away. Thanks for the advice. Yes my husband told her in front of me it was over and that everytime she attempted to contact him he would let me know because he wanted the lies to end. She continues to text him, he shows me and then deletes them. I no that I owe it to my daughters to try and get through this, and all though I have had him move out we are more connected then we have been in years. I will never trust as I once did however, I will also try to not starve my marriage as I did. My daughters are 6 and 10 and I was still sleeping with them and made no time for my marriage. I don't blame myself for the affair that was my husbands choice but I do believe I played a part in his choice. I look foward to the day I can some what forget this pain. Thank you and God Bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Taulu Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 The most obvious thing you should do is get him to change his 'phone!! Or he could give his phone to Hopereys for a few days. It would be nasty thinkg to OW Link to post Share on other sites
vnqsh2001 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I don't doubt that the woman may have threatened him if she really didn't want to be without him. People can get pretty desperate and emotional in situations like this. I've also known such threats to be made against other people I'm acquainted with. It wouldn't be the first time that someone used manipulation to get what they wanted. All is fair in love and war. I think it's also possible that your H wanted to leave that woman before. The initial thrill of having an affair can wear off rather quickly, but you are most likely the woman he feels bonded to. It may have been guilt, boredom, or a combination thereof that made him desire to break it off. Somehow, I really doubt that it matters all that much to you now though. Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Hey, don't be hurt or angry by OW's claiming your H was addicted to them. It's pure b.s. If he was so addicted he'd be with his OW, not all bent up over not being able to come home to you. OW's need to feel that they were more than just a side piece, so they romanticize it and make it out to be something wonderful - at first. Go read some OW posts some time after they've been dumped, not just after. Oftentimes, their wonderful MM has morphed in their minds into just another faithless man, and a waste of time. Some addiction, huh? Sometimes you can get a kernel of useful advice from an OW who regrets her actions, but don't even give the unremorseful ones a second thought. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 hope If you are feeling emotionally wiped out, take a break from it all. Tell him you need a few days to try not to think about anything and just "be". It will help refuel your emotional reserves. I totally get what you are saying about neglecting your marriage. That's real. We all to sometimes. But I am happy to see that you aren't blaming yourself for his choice. In fact, I would dare say that his affair only served to reinforce your sleeping with your kids to some degree. Its a vicious cycle. He feels neglected so he neglects you and you (as a woman) need to nurture and be close to someone so you throw yourself into the care of your children and he feels more neglected and maybe even jealous and neglects the marriage more and gets involved with OW to get his needs met and on and on it goes. Sorry for the run on sentence, just trying (unsuccessfully, it seems) to create a visual of the cycle. Whatever you do, don't focus on her or her antics unless you truly feel threatened. Don't wonder what it was about her. It was nothing about her. She was nothing special. She was just available and willing, and probably needy and naive. Baby steps. One day at a time. Don't plan to make any major decisions for the next 6 months to a year, including on your marriage. No major purchases - unless absolutely necessary - either. And get him to agree to the same. Give yourselves a year to hash out the old resentments and then don't revisit them again whether you stay married in the end or not. I wish you luck. I am so sorry you just joined the club that NOBODY wants to have a membership in. ((((hopereys))) Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 I hate it when OPs come to a thread of a hurting Spouse' date=' especially when its a Wife, and try to remind them of about the hurting OW. She is not you (the hurting OW) and this woman's husband is not your MM (at least not in most cases).[/quote'] This cuts both ways - if the BS wants respect for their pain and wants OWs to desist from reminding them of the hurting OW on their threads, then they should stay off the hurting OW's threads and desist from reminding them of the hurting BW. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, after all. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 24, 2009 Share Posted January 24, 2009 This cuts both ways - if the BS wants respect for their pain and wants OWs to desist from reminding them of the hurting OW on their threads, then they should stay off the hurting OW's threads and desist from reminding them of the hurting BW. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, after all. Except that the BS's pain is more understandable because she didn't cause the situation onto anyone while the OW's is largely self inflicted (no one DID it to her but her) and therefore a little harder to give sympathy over. But I agree that going to the OW/OM threads is pointless if it doesn't apply to you; it will just rile someone up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopereys Posted January 24, 2009 Author Share Posted January 24, 2009 hope If you are feeling emotionally wiped out, take a break from it all. Tell him you need a few days to try not to think about anything and just "be". It will help refuel your emotional reserves. I totally get what you are saying about neglecting your marriage. That's real. We all to sometimes. But I am happy to see that you aren't blaming yourself for his choice. In fact, I would dare say that his affair only served to reinforce your sleeping with your kids to some degree. Its a vicious cycle. He feels neglected so he neglects you and you (as a woman) need to nurture and be close to someone so you throw yourself into the care of your children and he feels more neglected and maybe even jealous and neglects the marriage more and gets involved with OW to get his needs met and on and on it goes. Sorry for the run on sentence, just trying (unsuccessfully, it seems) to create a visual of the cycle. Whatever you do, don't focus on her or her antics unless you truly feel threatened. Don't wonder what it was about her. It was nothing about her. She was nothing special. She was just available and willing, and probably needy and naive. Baby steps. One day at a time. Don't plan to make any major decisions for the next 6 months to a year, including on your marriage. No major purchases - unless absolutely necessary - either. And get him to agree to the same. Give yourselves a year to hash out the old resentments and then don't revisit them again whether you stay married in the end or not. I wish you luck. I am so sorry you just joined the club that NOBODY wants to have a membership in. ((((hopereys))) I made the mistaek of responding to one or her texting telling my husband she can'g be with another man because she loves him too much. In the text I basically said you have caused this family so much pain please leave us alone. Well she then started texting me things my husband had told her . How much he loved her etc. Wow it was painful. My husband says althought he had feelings for her it never compared to how he loves me and that he was always clear to her what he wanted most was for things to work between he and I and that as long as I stayed he would never give up on our marriage. Maybe this should make me feel good but all it does is show me what a selfish liar my husband is. I can't even stand to look at him. I feel awful and want to crawl under a rock and cry for days. I can't I have two little girls that need me. Thank you for the advise. Take Care. Link to post Share on other sites
smarterthanbefore Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 I agree with sally, I feel no remorse for any OW unless she did not know he was married. If she knew he was married, then she signed up for the heartache, but the BS did not. It's disgusting how some OW view themselves as victims of the MM. But then again, if you are selfish and dumb enough to involve yourself with another woman's husband willingly, then you are dumb enough to think you are a victim when he does not choose you. Here's my motto, if he is involved with another woman in any way romantically, he is not to be involved romantically with me at all. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 Hope, It will get better with time as long as your H is helpful in the healing process. I am now 2 years past d-day and we are finally getting over it. I do still have pain and I will never trust him like I did before but we have grown as a couple and survived. I had seen text messages to my H's OW about how he had love for her and she told me how he talked about moving out to be with her, I will never forget those details but over time they hurt me less and they lost their impact. My M will never be the same as it was before because an A forever changes a R. However I have hope and faith that it can be better then it ever was because my H has learned from his mistakes and he is now a better man/H/father then before. I think your H has it in him to repair the damage he has caused, he is giving you full transparency and that is a huge step in the right direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hopereys Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Hope, It will get better with time as long as your H is helpful in the healing process. I am now 2 years past d-day and we are finally getting over it. I do still have pain and I will never trust him like I did before but we have grown as a couple and survived. I had seen text messages to my H's OW about how he had love for her and she told me how he talked about moving out to be with her, I will never forget those details but over time they hurt me less and they lost their impact. My M will never be the same as it was before because an A forever changes a R. However I have hope and faith that it can be better then it ever was because my H has learned from his mistakes and he is now a better man/H/father then before. I think your H has it in him to repair the damage he has caused, he is giving you full transparency and that is a huge step in the right direction. Thank you for the hopeful words. I really do believe if I can get over this pain we will be better then ever. At this point point I am still filled with anger and hate. May you and your husband be happy for many years to come and may you never have to deal with this type of pain again. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 This cuts both ways - if the BS wants respect for their pain and wants OWs to desist from reminding them of the hurting OW on their threads, then they should stay off the hurting OW's threads and desist from reminding them of the hurting BW. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, after all. Not to encourage you, but hopereys is NOT one of those BSs that you speak of. If and when she shows up there, THEN what you say will be relevant. If you are so happy with your supposedly STBDMM, why do you care to post hurtful things to another BW considering you got your MM? I will never understand this. I don't care about the hurting OW when responding to a hurting BW. This is not the place to make yourself a "real" person. The BW didn't know about the OW in most cases, so its unnecessarily hurtful to a newly aware BW to keep making such insensitive forays into her space. However, the OW KNEW about the BW and will not get my sympathy for putting herself into the position to be hurt. I feel for the OWs hurt, but not in the same way. But like I said before, this is not the thread to screem "I exist". Sorry you disagree with me. I haven't seen hope respond to any threads in OW/OM, I could be wrong, but that reasoning is moot if you think you can attack ALL BWs because of the actions of a few. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 hope - You dont want to exchange texts with her. She has no information you need. Plus, it hurts. So, thats enough of that. Your husband MUST change all of his contact info. This hard, especially professionally, but he simply must. Period. You have come to the right place . I will be thinking about you! Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Not to encourage you' date=' but hopereys is NOT one of those BSs that you speak of. If and when she shows up there, THEN what you say will be relevant. [/quote'] You must have missed this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2012510#post2012510 If you are so happy with your supposedly STBDMM' date=' why do you care to post hurtful things to another BW considering you got your MM?[/quote'] Which BW have I posted "hurtful things" to, aside from in direct response to hurtful things posted by them? And he's not STBDMM, he's D. Though he will soon be an MM again, but M to me (as soon as the prenup is registered.) Link to post Share on other sites
JustBreathe Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 OWoman, the last thing any betrayed wife is to have an OW gloating over having won the blue ribbon prize. So you got your married man. Okay. So what? Do you have anything useful or helpful to say to Hopereys? Link to post Share on other sites
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