Tired of this

[Tiredofthis]

I do not even know where to start. I am sure I will forget important details.

 

I am married to a man who has cheated on me repeatedly during our seven year marriage. From what I know, he has had a PA with four women and EA with one other, who he had a PA with during his first marriage. I found out he also met up with people from online sex sites although he denies he had sex with them. He had sex with one of them in our home, in my bed, even dressing her in my nightgown. He photographed and videotaped all of this and posted it on the internet. I found out about all of this in May. Of course, when I did, I wanted a divorce and he decided he wanted to reconcile.

 

The women he cheated with were located all over the country. He flew across the country on "business trips" to be with them. He took hundreds of dollars from out home and used them on these women, and now I am left wondering how we are going to pay for basic bills like heat, mortgage, and food. I have photographs of his vacations. These women were all races and age. I guess if they were willing to do it, he was game. Out of the four, three knew he was married and willingly engaged in the A with him. The other had no idea he was even married until I called her. He got a separate phone devoted to communicating with them. One of the bills was 20 pages long with calls and texts all over to them. They were from all walks of life. An attorney. A woman who lives in the projects. A coach. A nineteen year old. A marine.

 

Meanwhile, while he did this over the three year period that I know about, I was home with out three children and took care of the home. I was working at my career and earned a masters' degree. I was continually after him to participate in the marriage and suspicious about his elusive behavior. I knew something was going on but he was the most sincere person - "I would never cheat on you, they are just friends."

 

Since I discovered all of this he wants to reconcile. I want a divorce. Financially, I have been left in shambles because of his escapades. He wants to "fix" the marriage, my finances, our family. I do not love him anymore. I can't get these women out of my head - I can see them together, hear the hollow words he used with them when he speaks to me. I feel increasingly isolated. He contacts my friends and says things, then they don't talk to me either. I feel like I have no choice but to stay. I am more and more resentful and angry.

 

I spend my day on here reading stories and I am so angry. I want to create a website with all the photos and videos I found. I want to hurt him physically. In my mind, I wish him dead. I want to hurt those women. I want someone to feel the pain I do. He begs me, apologizes, and says he loves me daily. However, he told all those women he loved them too.

 

I want out but I feel guilty about leaving. He violated me. My family. My friendships. Right now, I am about one degree from hate. However, my children seem happier when he is around versus not. That's about all I am getting from all of this, a father for them and a spot at living in a specific socio-economic spot that we couldn't afford otherwise. A stupid reason to stay but I feel so isolated and financially broken, I can't justify leaving with an expensive fight.

 

I spoke with an attorney. She wants lots of money, $3K retainer. I don't have it. I then try to work with him on a no-fault divorce and he lies, says he will sign it, but then is uncooperative.

 

Basically, I need help. He is taking advantage of me and the situation he has placed on me. I feel like I must liquidate my retirement accounts (the only savings I have left) and use it to get him out my life but its all I have left. Why won't he just go away?

 

I know that I have kind of rambled with circular ill-logic, but I'd appreciate advice. Thanks.

[sadintexas]

That must be hard to deal with. That's a lot of deception. I don't blame you at for feeling the way you do. There were a couple of things you wrote about that I would like to respond to.

 

First, you mentioned about your children being happier when he was around versus not around so you feel guilty thinking of leaving in that regard. I want you to think about something. You need to love yourself like your children love you. If your children had the capacity to understand what you were living with for their benefit, imagine the guilt and sorrow they would feel. They would want you to be happy. The fact is, their father will still be around them. They won't lose that if you leave him. But they will gain you in a happier and healthier state.

 

Second, a divorce can be very expensive and difficult to go through, but that is not a reason not to go down that road. There are ways to make it happen. It's a process...one that has an ending, although sometimes it doesn't feel like it. My divorce literally broke me and I had to beg and borrow to make it through. It took me over a year to pay back what I owed, once I was back on my feet and able to repay debts. It took me a year to put my head back on straight and figure out who I was again and what I wanted and EXPECTED from life and others. Then I had the duty of figuring out how to make that happen! But at the end, I rebuilt my business, repaid my debts, found happiness again (within myself first). My daughter and I now live in peace and I can't tell you how wonderful that is.

 

Third, I know you want to get your side of the story out there. He is telling your friends things that are making them turn away from you. Know that by not divulging this information, in the end you will be the one with grace and dignity. No one wants to be dragged into other people's personal affairs like that. These things have a way of turning, and those people will eventually see your H for what he is and will admire you for not stooping to his level.

 

I would have a very difficult time trying to stay in that marriage under those circumstances. I hope you are able to do what is best for you and trust that once you are good to yourself everything else will follow.

[Owl]

I think a divorce under these circumstances is totally warranted. If that's the path that you feel is right for you and your family...go for it.

 

One suggestion...I don't know where you live (nor am I asking) but do your own personal research on the divorce laws for your state. They vary by state...but if you're in a 50/50, no fault state...there's nothing your H can do to stop the divorce, nor should it be too difficult/expensive to work through. Find a cheaper lawyer...or take a look online for "divorce kits" for your state, and file the paperwork yourself.

 

If you're in a "fault" state...then you have more opportunity to hold him financially liable for the situation you're in, but will definitly require legal representation.