bigwo Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]My wife of 19 years and 2 school-age kids told me tonight she was "contemplating having an affair" before actually acting on her desires. She's in the midst of her mid-life crisis and what she calls her sexual peak.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I am on blood pressure and antidepressant meds so my libido has been in nose-dive for about 3 years.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]When the kids were infants and toddlers, she was on anti-anxiety meds for OCD and not interested - for about 5 years. I guess I got used to not having much sex and adapted to that lifestyle with her. I did not go looking elsewhere for sex or intimacy.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]In the meantime, I developed high blood pressure and depression and take meds that very successfully treat those but decrease my libido. So now I'm "emotionally distant and uninterested in sex". I'm also back in school, and that takes a lot of my attention.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I admit I'm not as interested as I used to be, but when the shoe was on the other foot, I never contemplated having an affair with another woman. I sucked it up and dealt with it. Why can't she do that now?[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]She looked up and talked with an old boyfriend recently and admitted tonight she felt we'd never had the passion that they'd had. Yeah - 25 years ago when she was 21. Give me a break and grow up.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana] [/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I'm feeling hurt, betrayed and have lost trust in my wife, my best friend. I cannot believe she'd throw away all that we've worked so hard together to build and risk damaging our kids for her petty and immature desires. Obviously, counseling is needed.[/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana][/FONT][/COLOR] [COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I'd love to hear from anyone who's been where I am as to how to handle this.[/FONT][/COLOR] Link to post Share on other sites
luna3 Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 well, i haven't been in your exact situation. i have long been with someone who is emotionally and physically distant from me, for what that's worth. i basically told my spouse something like this, and it was meant as the final heads-up, wake-up call that something was seriously wrong. that you are on medications and have difficulties, stress, and time limitations are things for you both (and your doctors, and your counselor) to consider. her "sucking it up" is not. she feels the distance, and is alarmed by it. she's telling you what her personal limitations are. obviously, if what you say is true about all that you put up with, you are the stronger of the two as she is incapable of dealing with what you're dishing now. you should definitely try to do something about your attitude regarding her. yeah, she probably does need to grow up, but asking her to put up with no affection and no sex and no feelings of closeness is a childish demand on your part. it may have been (probably was) a childish demand on her part when she made it of you, but that doesn't make it the correct way to behave. and i wouldn't consider them petty and immature desires. we all want to feel that passion & spark, regardless of how old we are. you've lost trust, i guess i understand that. at least admit that she had the decency to give you a warning, and didn't just run off and satisfy herself. she's giving you both the opportunity to fix it. what will you do with this opportunity? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Tell her that you are comtemplating a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
stoopid_guy Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 It sounds like she's wanting attention more than she wants to cheat. Otherwise, she wouldn't have told you that. I hate to say it, but you've made time to go back to school. Couldn't you make more time for her? Which is more important? Even if your "little general" isn't what he used to be, you still have your hands and mouth. With the medications, have you considered more exercise? A half-hour a day of aerobics can do wonders for the blood pressure and actually boost your libido too. It doesn't have to be heavy, just sit on an exercise bike while watching TV. For that matter, sex is wondeful exercise. It also reduces stress, which may further help your BP. (Discuss with your doctor, I ain't one.) Link to post Share on other sites
The Collector Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Modern Woman's Three Stages Of Life - That The Media Won't Tell You About. First, this doesn't apply to all women, just a sizeable portion of todays females - and apparently your wife. Stage One - Youth. No ties, free to experiment with lots of guys, including the bad-boys and heart-breakers. Lasts until she gets bored, hurt too many times or knocked-up by a bad-boy that doesn't stick around. Stage Two - Kids. Biological clock kicks in, or accidentally got preggers so needs a Good Provider type. This iswhere the 'Nice Guys' who didn't stand a chance when she was going through her 'passionate/bad-boy' phase didn't get a look in, and sudden;y think they've hit the jackpot. Wedding bells and nappy smells, it all seems good. Stage Three - I Want My Independence Back The kids are have left the nest, or she figures a divorce won't screw em up too bad and she's got sick of the Nice Guy much sooner than she figured. Hasn't had a decent orgasm for years, and doesn't need the good provider any more - or can get a divorce, alimony and child support and have her cake and eat it. Justified by exaggerating arguments she causes into 'emotional abuse' or withholds sex hoping he'll have an affair - but just as often a no-fault divorce will get her out of the wedding shackles and back on the exciting dating scene again. Cue guy wondering what went wrong and usually blaming himself if he believes her version of events. Now does this apply to you and your wife? I don't know. Are there marriages that the woman enters into full of love and expectations of being together forever, but the pair drift apart through no ones fault? Of course. And are there men who similarly opt out of a satisfactory marriage just because they'd rather be footloose and fancy-free again? No doubt. But my point is that your wife may be the type that is not interested in making this marriage work now that she's got her kids. She may have never took the 'in sickness and in health' part of her vows seriously. Or she may have definitely decided that her future doesn't include you in any way other than child support. If this is the case I'd advise getting her to talk about her desire for an affair in an email or letter or something that will stand up in court, especially if you want custody or even joint custody of your children. Get a copy of that email she sent her old boyfriend. You are right to feel betrayed, but you need to be realistic. You can maybe win her back with an awesome reinvigoration of your sex life. That might work. But if her eye is on the door, play it smart and don't let her trap you into more depression or a custody arrangement that doesn't suit you. You are the one willing to keep the family together and work on the relationship. She is the one putting her desire for passionate sex above everything else. Tread carefully and watch your back. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 This is so so true and what most men on their wedding day have to look forward to. This is why men must get a prenup. If she turns on you at least you can get out in one piece. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 [she looked up and talked with an old boyfriend recently and admitted tonight she felt we'd never had the passion that they'd had. Yeah - 25 years ago when she was 21. Give me a break and grow up. So... why didn't she marry him? Look, you need to make some changes. I doubt your happy with your current sex life. Take the steps to get better. Get Viagra or something. Also, monitor all forms of her communication. Cell, email are the easiest. You need to make sure she stops talking to this old boyfriend. Give her an ultimatum right away. That's you telling her that you have balls, and some self respect! She may kick and scream, but it will be attractive to her. On a side note. She sounds like a piece of crap. I wouldn't stay married to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 You still have time to try to fix this if she's not already involved with this guy. I couldn't tell because of the way your post ran on. Google marriage builders. You can still fall in love again. There are people who have used their methods and have a better marriage than they ever had before. I told my exhusband the same thing before I had an affair. He chose to tell me he didn't have time to work on our marriage. She is thinking about cheating/leaving. Trust me on this. Link to post Share on other sites
Mustang Sally Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 I agree with Mz Pixie. I said the same thing to my H, several months before I asked him for a separation, when he was refusing to go to MC with me. Good luck. I hope it works out for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Sounds to me like a genuine warning shot across the bow. Possibly she has someone already lined up. Check out His Needs/ Her Needs program at the marriage builder site. Won't hurt to take extraordinary precautions. Viz. Check her mail, phone, spy via friends. Remember that this is NOT invading privacy, but exposing secrecy! PS: What does the pharmacist or doctor say about your condition? Link to post Share on other sites
Potatocakes Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Tell her that you are comtemplating a divorce. Ha! I was thinking the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigwo Posted August 5, 2008 Author Share Posted August 5, 2008 Thanks for the replies - quite a range of opinions to mull over. I do wish our marriage to work and will go to MC to work on it. As to my health interfering with emotional/sexual issues with my spouse, yes, I will address this with my MD. New revelations today from SO: Many emails and phone calls have transpired between her and the old flame. She told me he said "some very nice things to her" and that started her on a roller coaster and it just "snowballed from there". I asked her to detail "snowballed" and the reply floored me (although I guess I should have expected it from what I've read on this board). They entered into an explicit discussion about their past sex lives and how great it had been and how each had missed that. She said he was moving from far away into our region - within 100 mi. but has told him they cannot be friends based our discussion last night. She has printed copies of the emails but will not let me see them; they're at her workplace. I don't know what to believe now. Secrets, secrets and more secrets. That's where we're at today folks. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Let me ask you this: If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would put up with such humiliating and disrespectful behavior from you? It is clear that she has little respect for you and your feelings. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
theobserver Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Who wants to be in a relationship where you're second best, and compared to an ex. Don't think kids give you a one up over the other man. Any guy can give his seed to create. In her heart she wants her ex, she has humiliated you and you're taking it. Man-up and get a divorce and stop being a glutton for punishment. Link to post Share on other sites
The Collector Posted August 5, 2008 Share Posted August 5, 2008 Best case scenario - she is testing you and would feel more secure if you show some backbone. This would be manifested by saying 'no more contact with your ex' 'I'm thinking about a divorce' 'you have let me down and your responsibilities to this family - shape up or ship out.' Also, use the 'reverse the situation' approach above, and see what she says. Lay down the law, be the man, and then **** her brains out. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 She's on the way out the door. Locking the dead bolt won't do you any good. I suspect your days at a married man are numbered. Please document everything. Make a journal with a record of everything she says. Write down her claims that she has hard copies of "their" emails, that helps to make them available later. I feel for you buddy, but... it's the 21st century, the era of "Walk Away Wives". Yours had the arrogance to announce her travel plans ahead of time. That's chutspa! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Ok, she was on the "Meds" and didn't have sex with you, now it's you who's on the "Meds", she now wants to Ride another man while you didn't have another woman Ride you then, Have you even bothered to bring this up to her!? She's acting very hypocritical! You need to call her on this! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Ok, she was on the "Meds" and didn't have sex with you, now it's you who's on the "Meds", she now wants to Ride another man while you didn't have another woman Ride you then, Have you even bothered to bring this up to her!? She's acting very hypocritical! You need to call her on this! Darth... be serious. You know the woman isn't listening! She's preparing for her walk. She even boldly announced her plans to the poor smuck in advance. He's toast. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 Darth... be serious. You know the woman isn't listening! She's preparing for her walk. She even boldly announced her plans to the poor smuck in advance. He's toast. Don't yell at me! I just said what everyone else was thinking! So there! Even so, let her walk, Divorce her! Tell her outright! Then do it! Just cover your assets and your butt!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tweldy Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 I believe your initial instinct that this was immature was correct - I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing at the youngest you are in your late 30s and likely 40s. At this age, it would be proper for such a person to work with you to address concerns. Now if she has done this and you've blown her off (no pun intended) then I could see resentment and frustration on her part. However, the 'considering having an affair' approach to things is deeply inappropriate. My suspicion considering what you've said is that she actually misses being younger and the feeling of being young and is thinking that having a sexual relationship like an unattached 20-something will somehow return that feeling to her. At least, that scenario is consistent with a mid-life crisis sort of way of thinking. My other guess is that she is suffering from some moderate depression and its undiagnosed. I wish you the best in this unfortunate situation. Link to post Share on other sites
bish Posted August 6, 2008 Share Posted August 6, 2008 The mere suggestion from your wife that she is contemplating having an affair should be enough for you to go out and get a lawyer and start having the paperwork drawn up. Link to post Share on other sites
LoyalGirl Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 I don't know... I guess I disagree with many people here... I would prefer my spouse to tell me he was contemplating an affair (giving me a signal that something was seriously wrong in my marriage and needed to be addressed), rather than acting on it behind my back. This statement by itself from the spouse is kind of brave in my mind. In this particular case though, it sounds like she is already involved in an EA and "contemplating" making it a PA. Not brave at all.... Link to post Share on other sites
orangesean Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 I don't know... I guess I disagree with many people here... I would prefer my spouse to tell me he was contemplating an affair (giving me a signal that something was seriously wrong in my marriage and needed to be addressed), rather than acting on it behind my back. This statement by itself from the spouse is kind of brave in my mind. In this particular case though, it sounds like she is already involved in an EA and "contemplating" making it a PA. Not brave at all.... Although I probably wouldn't make it known personally and try to get work done on a marriage if I were contemplating an EA, you are correct in that it takes guts, but you also make a very good point that she only seems to think she's contemplating an affair if taking it to the physical level. A lot of people don't think it's an affair if they aren't having sex. This bothers me. I think with her already announcing she has talked to her ex about their past great sex and whatnot, you should just guard yourself, talk to a lawyer, gather all evidence. The marriage should have been worked on long before this, but that does not excuse your wife from her bad behavior AT ALL. Link to post Share on other sites
eeyore1980 Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 Dude, I am with you. When cheating b*stard husband and I first got married, I wanted to have sex all the time, but he didn't, so I sucked it up just like you did. Then he finally quit drinking, and our sexual wants seemed on the same page. I got pregnant with 4th child, had some difficulties with my libido, but never once said no. I got pnuemonia, had induced labor, and suddenly I'm frigid because 2 weeks later I said no. I spent years after that being treated like a horrible wife and a piece of meat, to be brief. On the up side, she has told you before she started an affair, I am assuming. I would go to counseling, and try to work things out, if you love her. This seems to me like a cry for help. I know that is exactly what it was for me when I told my husband this same thing last week, I don't think I could bring myself to cheat on him, but he cheated on me, and I am just so lost and don't know what to do. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted August 7, 2008 Share Posted August 7, 2008 I'm sorry you have to suffer through this. I know you're going through a lot of pain right now. Having said that, I can understand where she's coming from. A passionless marriage will eventually wither. It's not your fault necessarily that she doesn't feel that spark for you, just may be a lack of compatibility. Whatever the reason, I don't think you can create that passion if it's not there. It's either there or it isn't. I suspect that she always felt like something was missing, but it's coming to a head now because she's freaking out about getting older. It's not fair that she entered into a marriage with this knowledge, but so it goes. At the time she probably thought she could deal with it. Maybe she's been ambivalent for awhile and has only now made up her mind. It's unfortunate for you but she has a right to feel that passion. I can't imagine anyone being happy in a marriage where the spark has died. If she doesn't get out of the marriage she will always wonder "what if." Link to post Share on other sites
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