Destroyed Family, Lost It All.... !!!!!

[lifeslittlelessons]

Hello,

 

I could really use some advice right now. I've been married for over 5 years, been together over 8. My sexual relationship with my wife has always been rocky, with sometimes over a year between being intimate, she had her own issues to work on and we kinda fell on the list. Not to long ago she told me she was not attracted to me, never has been. Was curious about people she could be attracted to and even brought up 'friends with benefits', which she didn't do yet, but was interested in what I thought. I told her that would make me jealous because they'd have the one connection with her that I didn't have and she said it wasn't worth making me jealous. I thought I was losing her, she started to worry about her hair, makeup, things she never did to that extent before. Inside I was *dying* from everything. I finally one night told her I was thinking about divorce. I already started to see a therapist for massive depression and was put on anti-depressants and sleeping pills because of how I was feeling.

 

She told me she wanted to work it out and I was waiting to see signs of change. In the meantime a woman at work who I would describe as a home wreaker made some advances as me. Over the course of a little over two weeks we flirted back and forth, leading up to 1 brief sexual encounter in my office that was *not* planned for by me, but I *accept* responsibility for my actions. I felt so bad right after that. I talked with my therapist on what I should do. But the next day after meeting with him my wife found out and it destroyed her.

 

That next morning I woke up and she was sitting on the bed next to me saying she wanted to work out it. We talked about 18 hours in 3 days and got everything out, we seemed closer than ever. She told me I've been acting differently since I went on the meds, so I got off. After getting of the meds she told me I was becoming the guy I used to be before I became depressed a few months prior. Things were *great* for about two/three weeks and then all of a sudden she wanted to leave me. She told me her initial response weeks prior was to do what she could to keep me home, and then weeks later it hit her like a ton of bricks on what I did to her and she could never live with someone who could cheat.

 

She's looking for a job now, giving up her career she was going to go into, becoming a cop since it's not a single mother career, two kids 4 and 8 who I adore and can't picture not seeing every day will wind up probably living with her and me getting visitation. Between how I felt about what she said to me, being on the meds, and just depressed in general I did something I wouldn't have *never* done and *never* did in 8 1/2 years of intimacy issues between us. No matter how bad it was, I was always there 110%. I'm so depressed right now but wont go back on them for fear I'll become someone I'm not again. I still need my sleeping pills or I'm up all night thinking and thinking.

 

I don't know how to deal with all this guilt. I've caught myself looking at my life insurance knowing they'd have $750,000 if something happened to me. Even went as far to verify that I'm beyond the suicide 2 year exclusion. I look at her and my heart is breaking, I look at the kids and my heart if breaking. So much was thrown at me within a 2 month period, and I'm emotional enough to begin with, I screwed up, I screwed up big time. My wife said that even if she believed why I did what I did, she can't ever live with the fact I was with another woman, even just once. Doesn't matter how bad I felt, I picked that path. I don't blame her for hating me, hell, I hate myself. We're stuck living together because of debt we have to pay off still and a house to sell without a lot of equity in a bad housing market we couldn't even put up right now. If I could I'd sell it all so she could be free and hopefully hurt less than living with me.

 

I would do anything to help my wife, she's not interested in my help, or marriage therapy, I understand. I want to fix this and I can't, there's nothing I can do to make it better. I understand she's upset and hurt and wants to just move on. I'm still getting jabs here and there about what I did and how I trashed this whole family by '*ucking' that other woman. Every time I see that woman at work I'm so mad that she would even mess with a married man, and yes, I admit I went along, but I'm still angry at her.

 

Dealing with guilt, depression, suicide thoughts, it's all just more than I can handle right now. I can't think straight! The thing is, I know from the bottom of my heart that if the tables were turned I'd try and find a way to work this out, to see where her heart really was. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost, and looking for any words of advice that someone may have.

 

I keep telling myself I'm not a bad person, just did a bad thing given everything I was going though. No matter what I was told by her, no matter how bad I was feeling, I picked a bad path. I can't stop crying, I can't stop thinking about the next 10 years with my oldest and 14 with my youngest. Will they hate me, how will I live with the fact I screwed up my wife's job she's been so looking forward to. I love her with all my heart which is why her words hurt me so badly, even if she didn't mean them which is what she said after I had that affair. I know I'll still love her 5 years from now, met her 17 years ago and loved her then, and I'll feel guilty long after she's accepted this and moved on with her life. Hurt the one I love more than anything in the world, will hurt the kids, will wind up without any of them on a daily basis. Coming home every night knowing I did this.... I caused this..... This is all my fault.

 

I need something to hang onto and I can't find anything right now. I wanna lock myself away and just die. I've hurt so many people that I can't begin to deal with this pain I've felt inside for weeks and the pain I see when looking at them also. I keep feeling I should've walked in front of a train months before when I first became depressed. While everyone would've still had pain, they'd be taken care of for life and wouldn't deal with this and a home breaking in two from my actions. I wanna make this all right and I can't, I feel helpless.

Edited December 24, 2007 by lifeslittlelessons
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[Mr. Lucky]

Every time I see that woman at work I'm so mad that she would even mess with a married man, and yes, I admit I went along, but I'm still angry at her.

The first step down whatever path you're going to take is to let go of the rationalization and justification. As a former BS (long time ago in my case), it doesn't help to hear:

 

"I cheated because" -

 

- "she was a homewrecker"

- "we weren't having sex"

- "I was depressed"

- "I was on meds"

 

Any of those reasons, presented to your W, undermines the sincerity of your remorse and apology. And the only way to keep the door open even a crack in your marriage is to convince your W that it wouldn't happen again. If you blame outside forces, hard for her to have much faith in that. I wish you luck...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Curmudgeon]

I don't know how to deal with all this guilt. I've caught myself looking at my life insurance knowing they'd have $750,000 if something happened to me. Even went as far to verify that I'm beyond the suicide 2 year exclusion. I look at her and my heart is breaking, I look at the kids and my heart if breaking.

 

I'll give ya guilt!

 

Kill yourself so your family can have the 750k. Then watch from the other side and see what happens to the children you say you adore.

 

Most commonly they will end up with heavy-duty abandonment issues. they'll also have heavy guilt issues because as children will, they'll have a tendency to blame themselves for a parent's suicide. "If I'd been a better boy/girl, Daddy wouldn;t have killed himself." "If I hadn't made Daddy angry/sad/disappointed/worried/depressed he'd still be here with us."

 

Is that the legacy you wish to leave behind -- years and years of therapy for two emotionally scarred children and their scarred mother as well?

 

If so, go ahead and take the easy way out. If not, do your best to attone, find a way to help your wife trust you again and live your life better and to its fullest. Your children love and need you.

[OldEurope]

Hang on, hang on a minute here...

 

(Merry Christmas by the way...Am waiting for a dessert to finish cooking so...thought I'd check in...)

 

You say you went over a year without sex or "intimacy" and your wife told you she was not attracted to you anymore. And now you are thinking suicide because you had an affair as many a man would confronted not only with enforced celibacy inside a marriage but insults as well?

 

Grow up and stop the drama. I am tired of hearing about marriages where intimacy comes to some kind of grinding halt and, assuming there are no medical issues, one or the other partner becomes incensed when the other must meet his or her emotional or physical needs elsewhere. Since when was marriage a kind of personal death sentence?

 

And no, I do not "condone" affairs on principle yawn yawn but I do not condone prison-marriages in which another person is supposed to become some wimped-out sex-starved doormat because some spouse has personal issues they can't get over. I just don't know. Life is too short somehow for all of this. Vows are for both sides and betrayal can take on many definitions, not just the partner who ends up cheating.

 

You were faithful eight and a half years, you hit a rocky road where there was no intimacy (you did not say why) and your wife basically told you you repulsed her...you made a very human error to cheat but not without grounds.

 

Apologize again, tell her you will not do it again she means too much to you and just continue on. It appears that she is not a complete angel either.

 

Love

OE

[MrsHellnoFire]

Your wife wasn't giving you any intimacy whatsoever and even brought up the idea of her finding a friend with benefits and SHE WONDERS WHY YOU CHEATED????? LMFAO!

Trust me.. all the money in the world is not worth a father! Money and things will be the last thing on your childrens minds! They will suffer immeasurably. Please right now try to fight to keep the pain burdened on your shoulders instead of theirs!

[michaelk]

First off, please, stop falling on your sword! No, you are not a bad person. Assuming you take responsibility for the hurt you've inflicted on your wife and family, and are ready and willing to make restitution, you are someone who stepped off the right path after several years of faithfulness (under difficult conditions, it seems), and is ready to get back on that path if it's at all possible. That's a lot more than many unfaithful men are willing to do.

 

What I find myself wondering after reading your post is why, after your wife confessed to never finding you attractive, and expressed a desire to sleep with someone else, is she shutting the door in your face upon finding out that you had a one-night stand? Not that I'm saying there's any justification for what you did, but it's hard to figure how you can be expressing such great remorse and be willing to do what it takes to fix your marriage, yet she's closed the door so completely that she won't consider marriage counseling.

 

Something doesn't feel right here. It seems that she's all too willing to give up on your marriage, and on the heels of the 'friends with benefits' conversation, and the increased attention to her appearance, I find myself wondering if she wasn't already thinking she'd like to find a way out.

 

Do what you can to demonstrate to her that you're still in love with her and want to be with her and the kids. And recognize that in the end, it will be her decision whether to try and work on your marriage or not. If you're willing and she isn't, there's nothing you can do about that. That's her choice, and you can't control what others do. So just focus on your own actions, and make them as constructive as possible. And no, suicide doesn't qualify as 'constructive'.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi there!

 

You have written a very passionate story. I understand what you must be feeling. But please, understand that this is your depression talking. Please see your therapist if you are thinking about suicide. Take your meds. You cannot help your wife get a better life by being depressed. You must help yourself first. Eventually, she will see that you love her and resent you less.

 

What you did - cheating on your wife - was not the worst thing a man can do. It was not a good thing, but we are all human. You made a mistake. Be on your best behavior from now on, and hopefully, when the storm is over, your wife will find it in her heart to forgive you and move on.

 

Take a breath. Consider yourself on probation. It's not the end of the world - though it may seem so.

 

In a few months, (or a few years') time, this incident is nothing more than a bad dream.

[squirrely1]

I don't want to be hurtful or add to your pain, but I think that your wife was looking/hoping for a reason to get out of your marriage without guilt... and unfortunatley your mistake gave her that out. Now no one can fault her for leaving because you gave her the "he cheated on me" defense. Had she left you without "cause" she would feel guilty and the need to explain herself to friends, family and to your children. She would look and feel like the "bad guy". Please know this, she would have left eventually. Your actions just gave her a window of opportunity. Now she gets to leave being the "victim".

 

Forgive yourself. Forgive your wife. Focus on building a healthy environment for your children. They did not ask for any of this, and in these situations the children often pay for their parents misdeeds.

 

Good luck and best wishes!

[Sleeplesstoo]

Old Europe THANK YOU for being an adult and the "voice of reason here". I'm sorry, but why don't some of you just stone the poor guy to death. I am new here, but sometimes I think that "whatever side of the cheating fence you have been on" completely trumps "empathy" and and a fair look at what is really going on here. It is just not that black and white and everyone's situation does not fit into the same neat little box as yours. If that were so, there would be no need for a loveshack.com.

 

Lifeslittlelessons, as I see it your first task here is to "survive." I know you are tremendously depressed but suicide is a "cop out". I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you need to "grow a pair", I really mean it. Yes, you had a brief affair, but while it was morally wrong it is certainly easy to understand under the circumstances you have been living with.

 

IMO, it sounds like you have been manipulated in a "big way" and she continues to do so. I agree with michaelk in that something does not sound right here. If I had to guess I would say this is an opportunistic woman who knows how to push your buttons and continues to do so. She either wants you or she doesn't. That is pretty simple. She is not the only one with needs and a right to be happy. Those are your rights as well. Forgive yourself and stop feeling guilty. You made a mistake and you will not be the first. I think you must consider the fact that maybe she is just looking for an out and you gave her one, in which case you have done nothing to lose her because you lost her a long time ago.

 

If you kill yourself, you end your history, period. It becomes chipped in stone at that point. No takebacks, no chance for any different outcome, no challenge to overcome this adversity and "WIN". Life can completely change in a day and often for the better. I believe all of us have the ability to reach way down inside of our boots and pull out what we need to keep on keepin' on. You have that ability too, it's called survival. At this point deal with each day as it comes and tomorrow will take care of itself. Don't look too far down the road right now as it may feel overwhelming. The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. I hope you feel better soon and find the courage to face your situation until it is resolved and then move on to whatever life has in store for you, and I'll bet it's a whole lot better than what you are dealing with now. God bless you and give you strength!

[Curmudgeon]

I'm sorry, but why don't some of you just stone the poor guy to death. I am new here, but sometimes I think that "whatever side of the cheating fence you have been on" completely trumps "empathy" and and a fair look at what is really going on here. It is just not that black and white and everyone's situation does not fit into the same neat little box as yours. If that were so, there would be no need for a loveshack.com.

 

Lifeslittlelessons, as I see it your first task here is to "survive." I know you are tremendously depressed but suicide is a "cop out". I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you need to "grow a pair", I really mean it. Yes, you had a brief affair, but while it was morally wrong it is certainly easy to understand under the circumstances you have been living with.

 

I saw a bunch of empathy, compassion, advice and caring here. Perhaps not from all but certainly from the majority. I also saw some tough love.

 

Unfortunately, along with all that I perceive a recent rush to judgement of those who responded.

 

lifeslittlelessons, did anything resonate, work for or help you here? Inquiring minds want to know. Holidays are tough. Christmas Eve can be quite a "trigger." Where are you now?

[CallMeCrazy]

Hang on, hang on a minute here...

 

(Merry Christmas by the way...Am waiting for a dessert to finish cooking so...thought I'd check in...)

 

You say you went over a year without sex or "intimacy" and your wife told you she was not attracted to you anymore. And now you are thinking suicide because you had an affair as many a man would confronted not only with enforced celibacy inside a marriage but insults as well?

 

Grow up and stop the drama. I am tired of hearing about marriages where intimacy comes to some kind of grinding halt and, assuming there are no medical issues, one or the other partner becomes incensed when the other must meet his or her emotional or physical needs elsewhere. Since when was marriage a kind of personal death sentence?

 

And no, I do not "condone" affairs on principle yawn yawn but I do not condone prison-marriages in which another person is supposed to become some wimped-out sex-starved doormat because some spouse has personal issues they can't get over. I just don't know. Life is too short somehow for all of this. Vows are for both sides and betrayal can take on many definitions, not just the partner who ends up cheating.

 

You were faithful eight and a half years, you hit a rocky road where there was no intimacy (you did not say why) and your wife basically told you you repulsed her...you made a very human error to cheat but not without grounds.

 

Apologize again, tell her you will not do it again she means too much to you and just continue on. It appears that she is not a complete angel either.

 

Love

OE

 

I agree with OE here.... and I guess I just want to stress that nothing is worth ending your life over... Your children need you. Please hang in there and seek help from a counselor/psychologist. Perhaps you could try couples counseling as well? If things are meant to be with you and your W they will. She obviously had some serious issues of her own. You did the best you could and we're all only human.

 

((hugs)) CMC

[Sleeplesstoo]

I saw a bunch of empathy, compassion, advice and caring here. Perhaps not from all but certainly from the majority. I also saw some tough love.

 

Unfortunately, along with all that I perceive a recent rush to judgement of those who responded.

 

lifeslittlelessons, did anything resonate, work for or help you here? Inquiring minds want to know. Holidays are tough. Christmas Eve can be quite a "trigger." Where are you now?

 

Hey Curmudgeon,

 

I am sorry if I offended you here, that was not my intention, but I see a person who is really in crisis here and who is obviously reaching out. He is beating himself up enough for 10 people and I just got the feeling he was looking for a life raft not "tough love". I guess my perception is that there will be plenty of time for tough love later. Just my opinion and as I always say maybe total "BS", but my opinion none the less.

[Deanster]

This is a CLASSIC example of a wife who's checked out of a marriage jumping on something you did wrong as justification for divorcing you.

 

I've seen this several times with friends - so far it's been all women, but I suppose guys do it too.

 

The scenario is this - the checked-out spouse either provokes a reaction directly, or simply refuses (as in this case) and then waits until you more-or-less-inevitably cross a line, then flat refuses any form of forgiveness, reconciliation, counseling, negotiation, etc.

 

Now, to be fair, this approach works best if you do something radically 'wrong', like fooling around in the office, but make no mistake - it would have been SOMETHING. Personally, I think you should be grateful that you got nailed for nice garden-variety adultery, rather than domestic abuse, or accusations of abusing your kids.

 

The net result is that she's been clearly 'wronged', and has a nice, tight story to tell to the rest of the world about how you destroyed your marriage, and she's the victim.

 

She's even got you believing it too.

 

Now, let's be clear - you didn't have sex with the OW because she's a homewrecker, because you're on meds, or whatever. You did it because you wanted to.

 

You had a clear and conscious choice to say yes or no, to refuse her advances, to go forward or not. Take ownership, and admit that you were looking for something that was very important to you, and that you didn't have access to at home.

 

Personally, my guess is that you have an ugly time coming up - my friends who've been down this path have all had really rough divorces, with much acrimony and crazy lawyer fees.

 

The good news is that while it's been tough for them, and hard on their kids while things are up in the air, the net result after a while seems to be pretty good. The kids adjust once things are resolved, and you'll probably find a new relationship pretty quickly - hopefully one that's MUCH better for you.

 

So, look - given access to sex once annually from your wife, something was going to happen, and probably sooner rather than later. Your wife then had the choice of how to handle it - she could have viewed it as a symptom that things were seriously off-track, and taken some time to see what could be done to work it out, or any of 1000 other approaches.

 

However, she's chosen to see this as an unforgivable crime that's so horrible that she can't stand the mere sight of you.

 

That's a pretty extreme approach, and you should ease up on yourself a bit about how you got there. Your mistake was only the final act of an ongoing drama, IMHO.

 

Good luck!

[squirrely1]

I hope that my reply was not too harsh. Your story hit very close to home. Please take good care of yourself. Eat healthy, get quality sleep, excercise and talk to a counselor. I know when your world is spinning out of control these are the last things that you want to do, but it is so important to keep a sound mind. Going on and off of anti-depressents can be very dangerous and can increase your level of depression. Also, please check out your sleep meds on askapatient.com. Many people who have been on sleep meds experienced a heightened level in their depression as well as exhibited bizarre behavior.

 

I hope today was better than yesterday and tomorrow brings you closer to clarity.

[Curmudgeon]

Hey Curmudgeon,

 

I am sorry if I offended you here, that was not my intention, but I see a person who is really in crisis here and who is obviously reaching out. He is beating himself up enough for 10 people and I just got the feeling he was looking for a life raft not "tough love". I guess my perception is that there will be plenty of time for tough love later. Just my opinion and as I always say maybe total "BS", but my opinion none the less.

 

Opinions are just that and they're fine.

 

We all have our own approaches.

 

I hope he salvaged something from Christmas.

[hidee79]

My fiancé committed suicide a year ago. He left behind a 12-yr-old son. His son is suffering so horribly, blames himself, is mutilating himself, etc..

 

Did you know that if you commit suicide, your children are 7 times more likely to also kill themselves? You are the role model. They will figure, "oh, when life gets tough, I can just check out."

 

Suicide takes more than 3 generations for the remaining family to "get over."

 

I go to a support group for survivors of a loved one's suicide. There are always one or two people who are children of suiciders. They suffer so deeply that many are totally disconnected from their own heart.

 

Also, when you commit suicide - you family is interrogated by the police as if they are suspects. Because your death scene is considered a crime scene initially.

 

And the shame. Oh, the shame. When your dad dies of a heart attack or a car accident, you can tell people. But, when your dad dies of self-murder...you lie because people will judge. You will force your children to lie, and feel ashamed. If they tell the truth, then other children or adults may say something so insensitive ("you didn't notice your daddy was sad? Were you too busy with school?") as to even more traumatize your kids.

 

Remember - there is more to your identity than just "husband" or "adulterer." You are a son, a father, a man, an American, a taxpayer, a _____, a ________. People are very complex and multi-faceted - very few people are 100% "bad," even when they do some not-so-great things.

 

Your kids will recover from divorce. But they will NEVER recover from suicide. Your grandkids will NEVER recover from suicide.

[MrsHellnoFire]

I hope this guy checks in to announce he's ok at least.

I hope he decides to make a fighting effort to change his life rather than burden his children with a lifetime of grief. I don't personally feel he should have this much guilt over the situation because his wife wanted the same deal- who knows, she might have even HAD the same deal already. Best to dissolve the marriage and move forward with someone who loves every part of you. Unless you want to stay and continue being battered mentally for another so many years. Maybe she'll come around.. but as some have said, it seems she is using this as an excuse to exit the marriage.

 

hidee, I'm so sorry about your fiance! Who is taking care of his son now?

I'll keep you and him in my thoughts.. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Edited December 28, 2007 by MrsHellnoFire

[Virgo1982]

First off, please, stop falling on your sword! No, you are not a bad person. Assuming you take responsibility for the hurt you've inflicted on your wife and family, and are ready and willing to make restitution, you are someone who stepped off the right path after several years of faithfulness (under difficult conditions, it seems), and is ready to get back on that path if it's at all possible. That's a lot more than many unfaithful men are willing to do.

 

What I find myself wondering after reading your post is why, after your wife confessed to never finding you attractive, and expressed a desire to sleep with someone else, is she shutting the door in your face upon finding out that you had a one-night stand? Not that I'm saying there's any justification for what you did, but it's hard to figure how you can be expressing such great remorse and be willing to do what it takes to fix your marriage, yet she's closed the door so completely that she won't consider marriage counseling.

 

Something doesn't feel right here. It seems that she's all too willing to give up on your marriage, and on the heels of the 'friends with benefits' conversation, and the increased attention to her appearance, I find myself wondering if she wasn't already thinking she'd like to find a way out.

 

Do what you can to demonstrate to her that you're still in love with her and want to be with her and the kids. And recognize that in the end, it will be her decision whether to try and work on your marriage or not. If you're willing and she isn't, there's nothing you can do about that. That's her choice, and you can't control what others do. So just focus on your own actions, and make them as constructive as possible. And no, suicide doesn't qualify as 'constructive'.

 

Because he cried wolf when he spoke of divorce, but she actually wants out. He cheated, but I think his character is less flawed than hers. I also think he'd be a better man and love himself more if he tapped into his strength.

[TerriR]

I did the same thing when I was in her shoes. At first I was willing to work it out, but about a month later, I went through a big change - huge - and it made me realize that I would never be able to love my partner again like I had before. I told him so. In my case, he was insistent that we could work it out and we remain together 7 years later, but I still don't feel love for him.

 

Is that where you want to be in 7 years?

 

I think you should believe her - she can't do it and she's telling you that.

 

Sorry for both of you, but mostly I'm sorry for your kids - I wish you would put ALL your time and attention to them and loving them for a year or so - that is your best option right now.