What is he hiding?

[Kellytheidiot]

I posted this in another forum but wanted to see what kind of response I would get here as well. My username says it all- I feel like the world's biggest idiot for having NO idea about this. I'm going to try to make this short because my other post was so long people probably fell asleep trying to read it!

 

My BF and I just got back together this past weekend. Technically we were broken up for several months (my idea because he was too possessive when I was his GF) We are 26 and 29 yrs old. He has a 7yr old son who he has full custody of. Even though we weren't technically a couple we acted like one in every sense. He would call me every single day and we saw eachother 3 to 6 times per week.

 

I went to all of his son's events- school, birthdays etc and we all spent a lot of time togehter. We had boundaries even though we weren't together. Neither of us would date or sleep with anyone else without telling the other first. As far as I know neither one of us was ever with anyone else. In total we were either a couple or acting like a couple for the last two years. He was always telling me how much he wants to spend his life with me, that he loves me etc. even when we weren't official. He would call me everyday and end the conversation with either I miss you or I love you. '

 

Even when we weren't official he was still very possessive and jealous. He asked/demanded to know every guy I talked to (I have two close male friends) and if someone asked me out at work he HAD to know about it. Sometimes he would get very insecure (his ex cheated on him) and question me over and over about who I talked to etc. (this is the reason I ended our official relationship in the first place). I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wasn't seeing anyone else, but he wanted to know every detail of what I did and every person that I spoke to.

 

If I brought up a new guy's name in casual conversation he would question me about the person for hours. It was annoying at times. I'm telling you all this so you know what type of personality my BF has. He is very paranoid when it comes to me talking to other men. He has NO female friends except he talks to his son's mother and his son's aunt. And some of the wives of the guys he works with. But thats it. When he complains about me having guy friends (who I've been friends with for over ten years- long before he came along) he will always point out that he doesn't talk to ANY women except his son's mom and aunt. He has stated this quite often that I am the only female that he talks to.

 

Well last night he and I were together and his cell phone rang- he answered it. It was a woman and I could hear their conversation. When he hung up I asked who it was. He told me this whole huge story about how it was his friend's wife. I knew he was lying. it was just a feeling but I knew. I questioned him and he just kept lying more.

 

Finally he broke down (after awhile) and told me it was this girl named Sarah that he has known for 3 years and she calls him sometimes. He said she was in an abusive relationship and her mom called him to help her get out. He says she calls him a few times a month. But on the phone I heard her ask about where he was and what he was doing and he had told her "i'm nowhere special doing nothing" he NEVEr mentioned that he was wtih me. I asked him if she knows about me/us. He said no he's never talked about me. HOw can he have never have talked about me when he talks TO me every single day (we've only missed one day of talking to eachother in two years!!) and spends every weekend with me and acts like I am the most important thing in his life!!!

 

I was/am so upset. The only reasons I can think of why he wouldn't tell her about me and didn't even tell me about her are that he wanted to date her or she was his backup. or that he had something going on with her and was lying to her about me and me about her. I have seen NO signs of cheating from him. He's always made a point to be honest with me. Or so I thought. He says he's never been to her house, she's never been to his house, that they just talk on the phone.

 

He said she is 18 or 19 and just had a baby in sept and he was helping her through that. I was afraid maybe it was his baby but that doesn't make sense or his parents would know. Also he would take care of it as he has sole custody of his 7 yr old son by choice. But I am racking my brain and can't come up with any other explanation other than he cheated on me with her or wanted a relationship wtih her.

 

He said he woudl call her back and tell her about me. He did while I was there adn she was confused and said so? why do I care- I have a boyfriend. Why does she want you to call and tell me that you are with her right now? I said because he's been hiding the fact that he;s had a girlfriend from you for the last two years! Then my BF said "no the last two days, we just got back togehter" like all that other time when we were acting like a couple and he was telling me he loved me and calling me every day and we were sleeping together just didn't count. Even though supposedly we were both faithful to eachother the whole time. I am so suspicious because he wanted her to think it was just hte last two days.

 

But at the same time hearing him talk to this girl- she didn't sound like she was interested in him or dating him. She just sounded confused as to why I was so upset. I just can't imagine why my BF who HAS to know everything about me and who I talk to would hide a whole part of his life from me. WHy wouldn't he tell me about this girl? I have never once heard him mention her and I know that for a fact.

 

He makes every excuse, tried to turn it around on me, appologized, says there was nothing going on, that he just felt bad for her. But obviously he knew she just started dating someone so why didn't he ever tell HER about me since they talked about that stuff? Why didn't he tell me about her?

[LakesideDream]

He didn't tell you about "her" because he is/was insecure.

 

However, as you pointed out again and again you only "acted" like a couple, there was nothing "official", and you broke off your "dating" relationship anyway.

 

Sounds like the guy is a good one. Takes care of his son full time, has a job, etc. Maybe your "breaking up" with him was for the best.

[jmargel]

Kelly,

 

Sounds like you have the same problem he has with you. IMO he didn't do anything wrong and your imagination has taken the best of you, just like it has him when he would question you so vigoriusly. If you two were to make a life with each other, some counseling would help.

 

I don't understand that you two were not a couple 'officially' but yet you did everything as one. What purpose does that serve? Even though I'm married I have two women that call me quite a bit for advice and though there are boundaries it's nice to know they value my advice so much.

 

Sounds like you two are both too possessive.

[kellytheidiot]

Kelly,

 

Sounds like you have the same problem he has with you. IMO he didn't do anything wrong and your imagination has taken the best of you, just like it has him when he would question you so vigoriusly. If you two were to make a life with each other, some counseling would help.

 

I want to thank you both for your point of view. I'm really suprised because I posted my concerns on another infidelity forum and got a totally different response!! Most of the posters suggested that I immediately end the relationship and one even said I should demand my boyfriend take a paternity test to make sure he's not the father of the child the girl just had in sept. All this and my bf claims he never even kissed this girl. I can just imagine that request if the girl has never had any type of intimate relationship with my bf. She would think I'm a nutcase! and I wouldnt' blame her.

 

Its funny that you pointed out that I might be a possessive person because I've never thought of myself that way. I have male friends and am even friends with some of my exes so I dont' usually have a problem if a significant other has friends of the opposite sex. My boyfriend used to joke that I wasn't controlling enough (his last gf drove him crazy wanting to know his every move) and he said I was the total opposite-that I was too laid back that it made him feel like I didn't really care what he was up to. So I think the last thing my bf would say is that I'm possessive. HE is the possessive jealous one, hence the reason for our "break". For whatever screwed up reason, I thought that if we werent officially in a serious relationship he wouldn't be so possessive of me and worried about me cheating on him (his son's mother cheated on him). Even though we still acted like a couple and had all the rules and boundaries of a couple, basically in title only we weren't a couple if that makes sense.

 

To Jmargel, you say you talk to women and give them advice even though you are married, I see nothing wrong with that but the difference is, is your wife aware of these women? Have you mentioned them to her at least once? If so you cant compare it to what my bf did. He had been talking to this girl for months- he claims he's known her for three years (he and I have had a thing for two) and she had a baby in September and left her abusive boyfriend shortly before that and even lives next door to my bf's brother. Yet my bf NEVER mentioned this woman. Nor did he tell her that he was in a relationship with me, that he called me every day, that we were sleeping together, that I even existed. In my mind right now the only reason I can imagine someone hiding the fact that they are friends with someone of the opposite sex is that something dishonest is going on. Am I just looking at this the wrong way?