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Secretly in love with a married man


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Old 24th November 2006, 8:52 PM   #1
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Secretly in love with a married man

I'm new to LS. I'm hoping to get some good sound advice. I have not been myself for about 1 year since I met MM.

Our friendship has been one of interests we both share ex: we both are in college again after so many years, we love the same sports, and belong to a coed sports team. We run into each other quite frequently, we even live in the same city. I don't think I have felt this way for a long long time.

I realize that this is a big problem. I have crossed the line in developing feelings for this man. I have found that as time goes by my feelings for him have only gotten stronger. If I don't see him for a few days I am not myself and I miss his company. Now, because we are both married and have children, it is impossible to verbalize my feelings towards him. I secretly believe he knows how I feel. I get a strong vibe from him that he feels the same way too. He looks at me differently than he does to other people that are around us. I know I am in his thoughts, he e-mails me really cute and thoughtful things and we even have gone as far as having dinner with our families even sharing activities that involve or signifcant others.

My marriage has been one that I cannot complain about. My husband has been really good to me. My children are my life. Why the sudden change of emotions? Why does this MM consume my every thoughts? I ask myself these questions daily. It's not like my life isn't busy enough as it is. I did not seek this MM nor did I want to have disorder brought into my life.

I secretly wish MM would let me know if he was interested or not. But then again I know what major problems that would bring on if I were to find out.

I need guidance and helpful advice to help me move on and get over this married man. Thank you.
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Old 24th November 2006, 9:40 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by Secrets in the attic View Post
1. Why the sudden change of emotions? Why does this MM consume my every thoughts?

2. I need guidance and helpful advice to help me move on and get over this married man. Thank you.
1. It sounds like it could be a case of falling not for this particular man, but what this man represents. You have idealized him, and mapped onto him qualities you want to see in him. Therefore, he appears perfect for you. You are falling for a version of this guy that only exists in your heart and mind: a version you yourself created. I expect he represents to you a return to an earlier version you: sexy, desireable, young, having no responsibility - the you that you were before you got married and settled into your routine life. A chance at passion again, something new - something hot and exciting and illicit. Something to shake up your life a little bit and make you feel more alive. Its that lost self that you want, not this MM. Big mistake to confuse those two, particulary when you have so much to lose.

2. How to move on and get over him? Limit your contact with him. Go out of your way to have no contact with him whatsoever. Consider MC or IC to help find whatever it is that is causing this void you want to fill, and more appropriate ways to fill it. The less contact you have with him, the easier it will be to get over him.
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Old 24th November 2006, 11:15 PM   #3
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This man has stirred up feeling in you that you haven't felt in a long time. It's that new crush and exciting feeling everybody gets at the beginning of a relationship...Until the honeymoon phase is over.

It's good that you're aware of what's going on, and it is in your own best interest NOT to pursue him - Meaning, detach yourself emotionally from him and don't rely on him to make yourself feel good. The feelings you have will continue to grow if you don't put some distance between you two.

Focus on your husband and family. Remember what is more important to you! Could you imagine your life without your husband, your children as you know it now?
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Old 25th November 2006, 12:54 AM   #4
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This man has stirred up feeling in you that you haven't felt in a long time. It's that new crush and exciting feeling everybody gets at the beginning of a relationship...Until the honeymoon phase is over.

It's good that you're aware of what's going on, and it is in your own best interest NOT to pursue him - Meaning, detach yourself emotionally from him and don't rely on him to make yourself feel good. The feelings you have will continue to grow if you don't put some distance between you two.

Focus on your husband and family. Remember what is more important to you! Could you imagine your life without your husband, your children as you know it now?
Lucreziaborgia and Whichwayisup you both are absolutley correct. I think I have somehow made this man out to be the perfect guy with no faults whatsoever.

I have known him for about a year now, and I think it's safe to say I only know the wonderful things about him. I see no flaws, I only see perfection. Of course it is all a fantasy I've conjured up in my head, but the mind is so powerful in fooling you to think otherwise.

Again, with having to interact with him almost on a daily basis (by choice), and really enjoying his company, how does one begin to detach themselves from something as addicting as falling in love with someone that is obviously off limits??
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Old 25th November 2006, 8:09 AM   #5
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Again, with having to interact with him almost on a daily basis (by choice), and really enjoying his company, how does one begin to detach themselves from something as addicting as falling in love with someone that is obviously off limits??
By choosing not to interact with him. Tell him that you are sorry, but that you cannot be friends and then go to 'no contact'. Do not contact him in any way, shape or form and do not allow him to contact you. Only time and no contact will help you get over this obsession.
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Old 25th November 2006, 9:11 AM   #6
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Again, with having to interact with him almost on a daily basis (by choice), and really enjoying his company, how does one begin to detach themselves from something as addicting as falling in love with someone that is obviously off limits??
Then you must choose to not interact with him on a daily basis. You go cold turkey the way you do for any other addiction - by avoiding the addicting substance and finding other ways to occupy your time than craving it.
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Old 25th November 2006, 10:33 PM   #7
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Secrets, i am a married woman who DID cross the line & have an affair. I regret it so bad now. I don't feel like i will ever be the same nor will my husband or my marriage or my life. I've ruined it. All over someone i THOUGHT i was in love with & I thought was in love with me. In the end it's obvious it was more of an obsession on both of our parts. For him it's ok, he was single & has been able to go on with his life. But i have to live with this forever. I may have possibly ruined my marriage, my husband is fighting with depression even tho he won't admit it. I am totally fighting depression & had to go on anti-depressents & see a IC over this. My kids don't know what has happened but because friends do i live in fear that they will find out.
Long story short....i'm telling you all of this in hopes i can stop someone, anyone from making the same mistakes i did. I'm not even trying to say that you & your husband were 'meant to be' whatever that even means anymore but try to do some soul searching & figure yourself out before you do something you can never ever take back & undo. I never imagined the guilt i would have to live with by doing this. at the time i thought i was fine & could live with it. WRONG! I'm not judging you at all. I feel for you. I just don't want you, your husband or your children to have to suffer if it can be helped. Who knows, maybe you & this man could have a relationship but i strongly recommend getting out of existing relationships before persuing another. Yeah, easier said than done sometimes i know.
I hope you can work things out. best of luck.
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Old 26th November 2006, 7:43 PM   #8
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Cut contact with MM and give your energy to your husband. He is married to you and he is the one who loves you and deserves it.
Its normal to get crushes. Its horrid to act on them. Its probably not him you are in love with, its the common interests and having someone to enjoy the same things you enjoy with you.
Find somethings like this to do with your hubby, and stop spending time with this guy. You will be hurting alot of people if you cross the line.
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Old 26th November 2006, 8:14 PM   #9
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Honey,

What you are dealing with isn't wrong on it own. It will however use up TONS of your emotional energy and compete with you school work and role as a mom and wife. Let me suggest a link to you, and if the definition fits and if time permits purchase the book. Falling for this guy isn't necisarily a choice but acting on it is, either way, it still consumes you. After alot of research on my own, I have found that ( and I am in NO WAY a proponent of) certain antidepressants will actually dull the "in love" feeling. Might be a thought. Read this link and see if it applies to the way you feel about this man.[COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR]
Also, check out the "Affairs and addiction thread" together these things will make alot of sense. Don't know, however, that it will make things any easier. I for one am hoping that you make the best decision for yourself (as an individual, a wife, and a mother). Good Luck to you.
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Old 26th November 2006, 9:46 PM   #10
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Limerence

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Honey,

What you are dealing with isn't wrong on it own. It will however use up TONS of your emotional energy and compete with you school work and role as a mom and wife. Let me suggest a link to you, and if the definition fits and if time permits purchase the book. Falling for this guy isn't necisarily a choice but acting on it is, either way, it still consumes you. After alot of research on my own, I have found that ( and I am in NO WAY a proponent of) certain antidepressants will actually dull the "in love" feeling. Might be a thought. Read this link and see if it applies to the way you feel about this man.[COLOR=#0000ff]Limerence - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/COLOR]
Also, check out the "Affairs and addiction thread" together these things will make alot of sense. Don't know, however, that it will make things any easier. I for one am hoping that you make the best decision for yourself (as an individual, a wife, and a mother). Good Luck to you.

Wow, IfWishesWereHorses, I think you struck a cord in me that really hit home.

I clicked on the link you suggested and the word limerence is painfully a reality I am living with at the moment. I actually felt extreme sadness when I read the entire explanation of the word. I hate to think that I have reduced myself to that definition of the word.

Like you mentioned, I have been wasting tons of emotional energy on obsessing over this man. I wish I could simply turn off the feelings I have developed for him. I realize it will take some work, and for me to be strong enough to conquer any temptation to be around him or to even speak with him.

I cannot begin to figure out how to get over him and continue my life as it was before I ever met him. I believe a start would be not to include him anymore in my life and ending the friendship my family and I have with his family as well. It is so much easier said than done!

Any other suggestions? What has worked for others out there? Any advice would be helpful to me. Thanks.
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Old 27th November 2006, 10:40 AM   #11
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Another link for you...

Look, you have spent about a year dealing with this ,so obviously you are not an impulsive person. You have a need to understand how this could happen as well as what is going on. It is indeed sad to find out that this isn't some "magical fairytale love" but rather a chemical response that we are ALL hardwired for. Everyone, though, doesn't have the ability or desire to think things through quite so thoroughly and not act on simply what feels right.

I believe at the moment that education is your best option. NC isn't going to make those feelings go away might even intensify them because it makes it easier for "fantasy mode" to take over. Unfortunately, after a year, you still see this man as perfect. Sometimes it helps to list every flaw you can possibly perceive but after a year you should have a few so if you don't that's probably not going to happen.

You said that your M was a good one, so you can imagine how this happens to people who are in bad Ms. Probably the best thing that you can do is list all of the bad things that would come from an A (emotional, or physical). Be very honest with yourself. I have another link for you which explains what physically is happening to you. The information in this link is why I stated earlier that Serotonin-enhancing anti-depressants might help to dull these feelings but unfortunately they are not going to go away so easily, time - alot of it - will help. What you are feeling is very much out of your control, how you act on it is completely within your control.

Take a peice of paper and write a note to your family telling them how deeply why you love them. Make a promise to each of you that you will do what is in the best interest of this family you chose, then put it away and read it when you are feeling weak. I can tell by the thought you have put into this that you are one smart cookie. It is the capability of rational thinking that separates some of us from mere animals. At all times be VERY honest with yourself. Self-sacrifice is the way to self-love, and that involves sacrificing what YOU WANT for what is best for YOU.
[COLOR=#800080]The Brain in Love and Lust[/COLOR]
Here is that link....
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