Dealing with the pain

[Cardinal64]

Hi.

I just need a place to tell my story.

( First a little background - been with my wife for about 8 years - married 6 1/2 - we have a beautiful 5 1/2 year old son - who we both love with all our hearts.)

Anyway, everything seemed to have been going along ok - not perfect - but ok - till about 2 years ago.

 

My wife told me that our marriage had gotten "too routine" and that maybe if she had an affair - it would "add excitement " to our relationship. She said if I wanted to find another woman also - it would be ok with her.

 

Anyway, I stupidly went along with this idea - in the mistaken belief that it would show my wife what an open-minded guy I was and how much I wanted to please her. Well, she set her sights on a married guy that she apparently had long had a desire for - and me - I decided to try my luck with a woman I knew that I found attractive.

Well, long story short - the woman I was interested in - wasn't the least bit interested in me. Nothing happened period.

My wife - however - went out a couple of times with this man after she told him of her interest in him. However, she told me that they just flirted a little but nothing more . So realizing now that this whole affair thing was a big mistake - I was relieved.

Well as it turns out - she later admitted to me- several months later that she did have sex with the guy once . Or at least that is what she told me after he decided that he did not want to carry on their relationship anymore .

 

About 5 months ago - my wife then told me that she wanted her freedom from me - she did not have feelings for me as before and married life just did not do it for her anymore. Since then she has rarely shown me affection as before - we barely have any kind of sex. She said that she wanted a separation - in addition to the reasons I stated above - because our financial situation was not improving. I am very stressed out and depressed over this .

 

Recently, I found out she has been in communication - via her cellphone - with a new guy - much younger than her. I am very hurt about all this and regret so much I ever let her "open" up our marriage. I keep thinking that this is the real reason she wants out of our marriage - to be with this new guy . My trust in her has dissapeared as a result.

 

Anyway, Im sorry for ragging on like this - God how I envy people who are in a happy, stable, committed marriage. I still love my wife but I think her feelings for me are long gone. What a fool I was .

 

Thanks for reading my post .

 

[whichwayisup]

Ouch.

 

we have a beautiful 5 1/2 year old son - who we both love with all our hearts

 

This little guy is the one I feel sad for the most. He's so innocent in this.

 

20/20 hindsight, I wish going outside the marriage to spice up your marriage hadn't happened, I'm sure you wish that also. But, what's done is done, all you can do now is move forward.

 

Seems your wife is regressing and wanting to be like a teen again. Doesn't want to take responsibility for her marriage.

 

Would she be willing to go to marriage counselling? I think even though right now she's saying she wants a separation, there's a good chance she's just gotten a good taste of 'freedom' and once that wears off, she's going to regret her actions, especially when she comes down from the clouds and realizes what she's doing is going to mess up your child.

 

Her feelings for you are not gone, they're just buried right now. She's not herself, she's not thinking clearly at all.

 

Time is on your side - But what you should do (for your own peace of mind) is get some counselling, and also (hate to say it) talk to a lawyer, just incase.

[Sup]

Did your wife know the OW wasn't interested in you? It is all possible that your wife was messing around BEFORE she suggested this, I mean why else would she?

[Raylene]

Well, I would give her the divorce she wants, but it sounds as if that is not what you want to do, and want to work on the marriage. Since you previously agreed to the open marriage I am betting she knows you desperately want to hang on to the marriage and would do anything to make her happy. Ok, I figure I am gonna get "bitched out" for this, but I am gonna play devils advocate here anyhow. Fight fire with fire. Don't bring up divorce or separation at all, and if she does, just say "whatever you want." then drop the subject. She says she doesn't like routine. Stop being routine. Starting today, phone home from work and tell her you won't be home for dinner, that the guys invited you out for drinks after work. Better still, don't bother phoning, just come home many hours late and be very happy and pleasant. Give no details about what you did other than just getting together with the guys. Start doing this sort of thing at least once or twice per week. If you don't like bars, just go to the mall or a movie. Go to a movie one night and come home all plesant and talk about what a great movie it was and she should go see it. If she asks who you went with act mysterious (and guilty) and come up with some lame excuse like "a friend" or even give a coworkers name that she knows damn well would not go to a movie with you. At the same time plan at least one night per week as family night where you, the wife, and kid go out and have some fun as a family. When you are home spend extra time with your child, have pleasant conversations with your wife about things OTHER than your marriage, and stop asking her any questions about what she is up to. When she wants to go out, ask no questions, be a cheerful and willing babysitter. Stop ALL attempts at affection or having sex with her. Treat her like your sister (out of the childs sight). Stop undressing in front her or walking around in your underwear in front of her. Become a privacy freak--you take a shower, you shut and LOCK the bathroom door. Fall asleep on the sofa alot so you don't even sleep in the same bed with her that much. ((familiarity breeds contempt or so they say, so stop being familiar). If SHE initiates sex happily comply some of the time (with sometimes you are not in the mood and reject her advances). When you do comply come up with some off the wall, totally different moves--or in other words whatever you have been doing, drop it, and do something totally different--act out your wildest fantasies with her without giving a damn what she thinks about it. Treat her like some whore you picked up and PAID. Let her wonder where you got those new moves. Have a bud phone you from a pay phone on your cell at a time when you know she will be close by. Have a brief conversation--with nothing more than "okays" "hmns", that sort of thing then hang up. If she asks who called tell her the truth--your buddy. But about 15 minutes later, hop in the shower, get spruced up, then tell her you have to run to the store for cigarettes, beer, whatever, then stay gone a hour or two. All the time this is going on, be very plesant and cheerful at home and try to have nice conversations with her about general topics. When out with her (and the child is preoccupied so he doesn't notice it) check out other women in very obvious ways, so that the wife knows you are checking them out. Who knows, once the new wears off whoever she is banging, she may start to view YOU as the other man. If, after a few months, she is still indifferent to you, either divorce, or hell at least you will have created a life for yourself independent of her. Ok, I know I am in devious mode this morning, but frankly, given the hand you are being dealt I don't see "talking it over" and "marriage counseling" as an option that would work right now. However, if she does do a turn around and decide she wants the marriage, THEN mc would be a good thing.

[Raylene]

Oh, I see you said she wants a separation, not a divorce. Well, since you haven't separated yet, I still say try the stuff in my earlier post. It sounds to me as if she wants "boring old Routine Joe" on standby just in case her single life doesn't work out. I would clarify that I don't think you should actually cheat on her, just make her think you would or are,given her attitude towards you and "open marriages". Another idea that popped into my head is go to a strip club, then leave the matchbook from the club laying around where she will see it. If she asks about it, tell her yes, you went and had a great time and follow up that if she is interested, she can tag along with you sometime. (I can't believe I am saying this cause I HATE strip joints) If the two of you go, be very pleasant and fun with her, but at the same time ogle every semi-naked gal in the place, and buy yourself a lapdance or two, then offer to buy her one. While a stripper is not in your company spontaneously kiss your wife passionately, then disengage and ogle another stripper, then buy yourself yet another lapdance. If she still views you as boring and routine after that, my advice is slap a postage stamp on her butt and mail her to the Santa at the North Pole.

[Cardinal64]

Thanks everyone for responding to my post.

 

My wife is still of the mind set that we should separate. I think that she is being influenced to a degree by some of her female friends who were married and divorced, involved with a man/men but got badly burned and now have written men off for good and are "happy" and/or just plain single and enjoy the fact that there are no restrictions on their lives.

 

I still love my wife but as each day goes by and she shows me little or no affection - kissing/hugging etc.. a piece of me dies too. When she told me she wanted her "freedom" - it was almost like a slap in the face. The things I allowed her to do - I think most husbands would not put up with. Yes I was a real dumb ass. But I realize now I was blinded by my desire to please her.

 

I have told her that if that is what she wants - a separation - so be it - that is her decision - but she will have to live with the consequences.

For the record, I have never cheated on her during our entire marriage.

And to tell you the truth now, I just don't have the desire to do so. I realize now that having an affair would have only brought me more problems than it was worth. Sure the short term excitement and passion would burn bright like an ember at first - but over time that too would have fizzled out. I would much rather be in a relationship based on mutual love, trust and respect. Nothing can beat that - in my opinion.

And something else - it is kind of weird - but in a sense I think if I did have an affair I would feel like I was also cheating on my little son. Don't know why I feel that way.

 

Well thanks again all for your advice and support.

 

Cardinal64

[Raylene]

Now that I have come down off my morning coffee high, I am through playing devils advocate. I just wanted to wish you well. And I also wanted to say that many many women would love to have a loyal committed partner like you. If you and your wife divorce, someday when she is older and wiser and has run across a few scumbags, she will probably look back and realize she was a fool to throw away a good solid man. Again, good luck.

[Rooster_DAR]

She got exactly what she was hoping for. You agreed to mutual affairs which took all the guilt she would have endured away. She already has this guy lined up before any of this came up, I'd be willing to bet on it.

 

Yes, women who step outside of relationships are on the teenie rollercoaster of love and fantasy.

 

This relationship is over, sorry but I would move on.

[Cardinal64]

Thanks Raylene for the support and kind words. I know that whatever happens from this point on - I will never make the same mistake again .

 

Regards

 

Cardinal64