Frustrated that my SO doesnt want to get married

[ndmomma]

Here is my "life story" and please respond i need all the help i can get cause im so confused. Im 21 years old and ive been with a man who is 32 for the past 4 years, He has two sons full time and i have two sons full time, So we are a blended family and have lived together and functioned as a family for the past 4 years.

 

The Bio. mother of his two sons hasnt been a part of their lives for the past 4 years. And NOT because of me. She pretty much ran off. I have raised these boys for the past 4 years. He gave me an engagment ring about 2 years ago. I cook, i Clean, i stay home with the kids, I do everything. Well most everything around the house, he does help once in a while. We've talked about getting married on and off for the past few years. And we always set a date and for some reason it gets pushed farther and farther back and theres ALWAYS excuses.

 

I dont understand what i am doing wrong. I asked him just recently why im let down so many times by this and he said "once we get married i have the feeling you are going to try and run the show and be controlling". The only thing i feel im controlling on is when hes running late home from work to just give me a call and let me know. Thats all i think im controlling over.....We dont go out much or anything like that, hes a wonderful man and father, and i love him so much.

 

Im ready to be with him but why wont he marry me? He always asks what's the difference between getting married and having a paper to prove it and what we are living right now and thats pretty much like being married, I dont think he understand what it would mean to me. But i dont want to date all my life im ready to move to the next "level" but i dont think he is ready to, what am i suppost to do?

[Lovegod]

I have to ask.... At age 21, that the f*** are you doing being a full time mommy to some dude's kids that aren't yours?

 

You're in your prime! You're not even hearing your biological clock ticking, and you should be out having fun instead of scrubbing crayon off the walls. And you've been playing "mommy" since you were seventeen? There are so many single mothers out there who would love to have the taste of freedom that you have!

 

Okay, I'm done my lecture...

 

But i dont want to date all my life im ready to move to the next "level" but i dont think he is ready to, what am i suppost to do?

Why would you want to move to "the next level" with a guy who isn't appreciative of what you've done for him. You're sacrificing your freedom and your prime to clean up to take care of him and his two kids. That's a VERY LARGE sacrifice on your behalf, especially at your age. Hell, if I were him, I'd love ya to death!

 

But seriously, I'd count your blessings that you AREN'T married to him. It doesn't sound like it's going to last forever.

[SarahRose]

Here is my "life story" and please respond i need all the help i can get cause im so confused. Im 21 years old and ive been with a man who is 32 for the past 4 years, He has two sons full time and i have two sons full time, So we are a blended family and have lived together and functioned as a family for the past 4 years. The Bio. mother of his two sons hasnt been a part of their lives for the past 4 years. And NOT because of me. She pretty much ran off. I have raised these boys for the past 4 years. He gave me an engagment ring about 2 years ago. I cook, i Clean, i stay home with the kids, I do everything. Well most everything around the house, he does help once in a while. We've talked about getting married on and off for the past few years. And we always set a date and for some reason it gets pushed farther and farther back and theres ALWAYS excuses. I dont understand what i am doing wrong. I asked him just recently why im let down so many times by this and he said "once we get married i have the feeling you are going to try and run the show and be controlling". The only thing i feel im controlling on is when hes running late home from work to just give me a call and let me know. Thats all i think im controlling over.....We dont go out much or anything like that, hes a wonderful man and father, and i love him so much. Im ready to be with him but why wont he marry me? He always asks what's the difference between getting married and having a paper to prove it and what we are living right now and thats pretty much like being married, I dont think he understand what it would mean to me. But i dont want to date all my life im ready to move to the next "level" but i dont think he is ready to, what am i suppost to do?

 

Tell him if it is just a piece of paper, then he should have no problem getting it. It means nothing to him right? He shouldn't have a problem getting married then.

 

I think you are being used big time and wasting your youth being this guy's maid and babysitter.

[blind_otter]

I've been married once and I don't plan on doing it again. I would live with someone for the rest of my life in a committed relationship but I don't value the institution of marriage all that much. Obviously it doesn't endow the relationship with some special magical properties that create more committment, otherwise divorce wouldn't exist.

 

Anyways, you two have different ideas about marriage. If he was married before and the mother of his kids just up and left, he probably has residual issues in dealing with that and IME that's pretty normal.

 

There's no way to make him want to marry you, really. He has to chose that option and it does no good to try to force him to understand your way of thinking if he truely doesn't think marriage is important.

[ndmomma]

Yea im 21, and im raising his two boys. But i also have two sons. Between us there are 4 boys. I LOVE being a stay at home mom. Going to the parks, Playing games, Being the room mother in their schools. Helping in their Sunday School rooms, doing crafts. I love doing these things. I dont want those things to change and i dont want to be judged on being a young mother. I love these kids, im mature, im responsible.

 

I just dont know if what im doing is right. Am i being taken for granted? I do everything around here, i deal with the boys pretty much 100%. Dont get me wrong hes a wonderful father, and the boys adore him. But maybe i have my expectations set too high. Maybe im looking for something that just isnt there. Maybe getting married isnt the right thing to do. We have a very good relashionship otherwise. We just differ on this one issue.

 

I feel like our relashionship has become more of a game of "house". We really dont do much anymore together, granted we have kids so that makes it a little more tough. But when we do make plans. Of couse im the one getting the babysitters and planning it all out for 4 kids. He sure doesnt make any plans for US. UNLESS its something he enjoys. Then we are more then likely going to do it.

 

Im not sure whats in his head. What he wants or where he wants to take this relashionship. I feel a little trapped, I hate talking to him about these things, cause he just gets mad. And honestly it would break my heart to leave him, his boys, and his family. He has a wonderful family. His mom is very religious and she belives in being married. We go to church all the time. I mean its not like its just me. Everyone around us wonders why we arent married yet. But its not me. What do i do. We've been together for 4 years now. What more can i do or say to him? How long do i give him? What do i say?

[Becoming]

You can't really BE in a relationship where you don't feel free to say what you're really feeling/thinking without being castigated or put down for it. You are due respect, as is he.

 

BOt may be right: he may not be able to stomach another marriage. But you obviously can't stomach the way things are right now. And frankly, you're getting some good things out of this relationship, but you're also financially vulnerable by not being married. When you're married you're at least entitled to some of his retirement. At this point, you're earning no SSSI or retirement for future years, which isn't important when you're 21, but it is.

 

You know you have to have a heart-to-heart and be prepared to enforce your boundary, which you haven't done. You're betraying yourself for his comfort. How is that OK?

 

If he really loves you, he has to respect who you really are, and if you really love him, you have to tell him. Otherwise, what you have is a comfortable business arrangement that's to his benefit but not yours.

[Walk]

I could see how the guy might think he's benefiting her more than she is him. He's paying all the bills, and all he see's is the effort he puts in. He probably doesn't have a clue how hard it is to raise 4 boys and clean up after them. I'd run for the hills if someone gave me that job.

 

I have a slightly skewed philosophy on relationships I guess... but if you love your life as it is then enjoy what you have. Wanting more isn't always what is best for us. If only we had a little more money, or a marriage certificate, or... whatever. Sometimes we lose sight of what's really important in our lives because we want something we don't have. It isn't necessarily what we need, and won't necessarily make our lives great. So decide if it's a want, or a need for you.

 

If it is a need. Then approach it rationally, not emotionally. At least in your argument toward marriage with him. Why would it be better than not being married? Possible medical reasons for the kids, emergency situations that would allow you to respond on his behalf either for him or his children. Tax breaks. etc. It'd have to be ways that would benefit him though. If you tell him it's so you can claim his retirement when he dies, then he's going to see it as another way that you're attempting to "control" things. Find ways it will benefit him either financially or in time and effort.

 

Then give all your reasons for why you are for marriage, and then listen to his side. If he's still against, then put the issue to rest for a year. People can change a lot in a years time. His views may change during that time, yours may change. Re-evaluate the importance to you after a year, and reapproach the topic. But I wouldn't give him any longer than that to decide if he wants to marry you. 5 years together should be enough to decide if you are someone he trusts and wants to marry, or not. You'll be 22 and still have a lot of life a head of you. There are so many men out there who would actually appreciate the incredible amount of work you are doing, and see the benefit as far more than a 40 hour a week job could ever compensate for. (My brothers searching for a woman just like you. )

[Becoming]

What man wouldn't be searching for a woman like you?

 

I know way too many older women who live on nothing and have to decide between meds or food each month--and these are women who were married to great men for years and years who made a decent living, had great insurance policies and took care of their wives and treated them as a sacred trust, grateful for their partnership in raising their children. Those days are gone, so I wonder what lies ahead in ndmomma's future.

 

I think we live in a society where people are treated as disposable things. We use them, and when they're no longer useful, we throw them away. What rights does ndmomma have right now under the law in this relationship, should it come to that? If her SO gets struck by a drunk driver and ends up in a coma, who gets to make legal decisions regarding his medical care? Who gets to make the decisions regarding his sons? It ain't her.