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Strange response to seeking outside counsel


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Old 28th January 2018, 2:47 AM   #1
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Strange response to seeking outside counsel

I had a discussion tonight with my wife. During the course of the discussion I mentioned sometimes I seek other peopleís advice about dealing with marital and parental issues.

She exploded and damn near demanded a divorce. She sees things like this site as a violation of trust. She is adamant that I not discuss her behavior with anyone. She swears she never discusses our relationship with anyone.

I could use some guidance here if anyone has some. This is really strange to me. This canít be normal. Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I donít understand?
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:05 AM   #2
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I had a discussion tonight with my wife. During the course of the discussion I mentioned sometimes I seek other peopleís advice about dealing with marital and parental issues.

She exploded and damn near demanded a divorce. She sees things like this site as a violation of trust. She is adamant that I not discuss her behavior with anyone. She swears she never discusses our relationship with anyone.

I could use some guidance here if anyone has some. This is really strange to me. This canít be normal. Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I donít understand?
There are a number of people here to believe that problems within the relationship should not be shared outside the relationship. Not even with best friends. So I can imagine they'd be very upset to find out it was being shared with randoms on the internet.

Personally, I discuss things with my BFF. So I'm not one who says one must avoid outside counsel. That said, I trust my BFF to give solid advice. When on the internet, you don't know anything about the person giving advice.
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:27 AM   #3
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Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I donít understand?
It depends. There are some topics you shouldn't share with anyone, and there are certain people you shouldn't share personal things with. There has to be a certain amount of privacy in a relationship. You can't just go airing your dirty laundry with anyone.

What was her behavior like, and who did you discuss it with?
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Old 28th January 2018, 3:29 AM   #4
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your wife sees it as a violation of trust aka a betrayal of trust..doesnt matter what others think...she is your wife....it matters what she thinks or feels...you should have known her enough to know that she would take this as a violation..its pretty big.....


..with matters of the heart and parenting...it should be between you and your wife to come to the table first and discuss issues together first and try work it out between you and if that cant be done and no resolution or compromise reached then thats when you with mutual consent bring outside counsel in and i would suggest it be a more professional approach with a trained counsellor or a trusted advisor. who supports you rmarriage first and foremost.....do research together then discuss and come to an agreement who would serve you counsel best........

when you are single you handle things differently your network of friends and familial support are your go tos.....maybe even anonymous forums such as this one when you are married you work as a team you decide on resolutions together and that includes very much so...counsel........especially in the parental sense and especially in the union you have as husband and wife....so maybe you need to apologise and talk this out with her .and dont do it to her again......ever...deb...
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Old 28th January 2018, 8:04 AM   #5
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The things I post here are similar to this. Usually behaviors or situations that I donít understand or I feel overwhelmed by.

She keeps saying itís embarrasing for her, but really I struggle with that too. Random internet discussions canít be traced to anyone.
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Old 28th January 2018, 8:50 AM   #6
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The things I post here are similar to this. Usually behaviors or situations that I donít understand or I feel overwhelmed by.

She keeps saying itís embarrasing for her, but really I struggle with that too. Random internet discussions canít be traced to anyone.

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not so anonymous if you use google
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:24 AM   #7
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I suppose.

If someone wants to find out about me they will. I wonít live my life in fear of that.
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Old 28th January 2018, 9:42 AM   #8
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not so anonymous if you use google
But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often.
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:25 AM   #9
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But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often.
Agreed. Some of the stuff I see here is too much.

No one knows us here other than our online persona. I tend to think trollers donít make it past five posts. Changing ones persona is simply too difficult either online or in person.

Personally I look for the mostly positive posters here. I value their input the most. The people who seem generally negative I tend to avoid.
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:39 AM   #10
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It makes sense not to share marital details with anyone you know, as that can affect how you and/or your spouse are seen and treated. Seeing a professional is different, as there is assured confidentiality. And using the internet is different, because you are anonymous, and can in no way affect or reflect on the spouse.

I think her reaction is so extreme because she knows she is in the wrong, and does not want you to realize that and do anything about it. Continue to get the help you need, and let her know. If she leaves, that may be a good thing.
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Old 28th January 2018, 11:53 AM   #11
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I had a discussion tonight with my wife. During the course of the discussion I mentioned sometimes I seek other people’s advice about dealing with marital and parental issues.

She exploded and damn near demanded a divorce. She sees things like this site as a violation of trust. She is adamant that I not discuss her behavior with anyone. She swears she never discusses our relationship with anyone.

I could use some guidance here if anyone has some. This is really strange to me. This can’t be normal. Am I wrong to seek outside counsel on issues that I don’t understand?
To be honest, you shouldn’t have told your wife that. My wife knows that I have seen a counselor regarding our marriage to deal with some of our issues, and she was okay with. She went with me a couple of times too.

I’ve talked to my family (parents, and sister) about our issues (free counseling) when I needed to vent regarding some frustrations in our marriage. My family and wife don’t speak (that is another conversation). I also have been posting on this board too on and off for 8 years, and my wife will NEVER know about it. These are some things you just keep to yourself.

Last edited by Soxfaninfl; 28th January 2018 at 11:57 AM..
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Old 29th January 2018, 10:27 PM   #12
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Hey man! Thanks for sharing here! I see your point and I think that you should take what your wife says into consideration as well! She raises a valid point, aside from what you think of her initial reaction. She might just be concerned about the fact and not knowing how do you do it and how much information you have shared! Have you had the chance to have a calmed conversation with your wife about the situation and explain what you do you and how you do it? Above all, I think that, if you value your relationship, you should respect her wishes but be clear about your motives and your feelings on the situation! Keep clear communication and keep moving forward!
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Old 30th January 2018, 5:00 AM   #13
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Tell her you post anonymously on a social media site. Maybe she exploded because she thinks you're talking to your friends in real life. And maybe she's upset because she doesn't get to express herself and holds it all in, yet here you are expressing yourself and vent, while she festers. Tell her to go post anonymously on social media too.
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Old 30th January 2018, 5:04 AM   #14
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But he's supposed to be the only one who knows his own screen name. In principle, posters should be wise not to post identifying information about themselves. I'm surprised though that I see quite a bit of specific information on these forums often.
Those are usually unmarried folks giving personal info.

If it's true that his wife is truly upset that he posts anonymously on a forum, then she is being very weird and controlling. Which is never good.
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Old 30th January 2018, 5:41 AM   #15
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I think abusers tend to thrive in isolating their victims. So, no, I donít think itís healthy that someone demands you never get outside, potentially objective input on matters that concern you, including your relationship.

I can understand why a person wouldnít want you to discuss your relationship with particular people that they interact with regularly or who are gossips, etc. But I see no harm in seeking advice from anonymous forums like this where you will get the opportunity to hear all sorts of feedback from different walks of life, nor do I think itís problematic to share your woes with a qualified, competent therapist.

I think your wife is overreacting and I find it unreasonable/controlling to be expected to never get outside input from anyone else.
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