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Unplanned pregnancy causing relationship issues


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Old 20th January 2018, 10:59 AM   #16
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I don't necessarily think he us obligated to be a dad to the OPs son... but he should at least he should be friendly and nice to him.

From what you describe...it's like your son irritates him .... he's quick to criticise him... never gives praise to him.

He sounds so immature.
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Old 20th January 2018, 11:06 AM   #17
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He sounds so immature.
This is it. This is also the same guy who refuses to celebrate birthdays and holidays.

What would you do if your SO didn't acknowledge your birthday or holidays?

I'm sorry OP. He sounds selfish, inconsiderate of the feeelings of others, and immature... he still has a lot of growing up to do.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:02 PM   #18
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Red face

[QUOTE=sandylee1;7516589]The first time he called your son four eyes you should have kicked him out. There is no chance in hell I'd be with a man like that... yet you are hoping for marriage with him.

I feel the need to mention that my SO does NOT go around calling my son names. We ALL know I would never stand for that. Some here seemed to have interpreted my one example as a clue that he regularly bullies or name calls my child. That's not the case. I used that as an example of something that triggered an argument between us.

That comment literally just happened a few weeks ago. We'd gone to Yosemite for New Year's weekend. We brought the kids, got a room, had a GREAT time. Lovely impromptu family vacation. On the ride home my son was talking about another little boy he knows. He wasn't insulting this kid or anything, but something in what he said prompted my SO to reply with, "Who are you to say that? You guys are the same age, you look alike. Heck, he's even a four eyes like you".
I instantly backhanded his leg while he was driving and said "You DON'T ever say that to a child. Don't you dare speak to him like that". If he'd apologized or dropped it, it wouldn't have even been an issue. It was his reaction that got me heated. He became defensive saying he wasn't insulting him, he was stating a fact. I told him kids get enough bullying and criticism from other kids, they should never get it from their parents. I know him well. He doesn't like being put on the spot or feeling like I'm trying to "mother" him. He doesn't back down to keep the peace if he feels he's right. He thinks I'm too emotional and this type of behavior is coddling a child and that kid's shouldn't get sugar coating. He told me to shut up. I said "Don't talk to me like that in front of the kids". Then it turned into "Oh, just shut your effing mouth, B****. You just know so much, with your major in psychology, blah blah." and he started mocking everything I said and pretty much behaving more immature than a child for the remainder of the car ride.
I didn't speak to him for 3 days after that. Such a shame. We'd had a great trip. We're both really close with his sister. I talked to her when we got home (she lives next door) and so did he at some point. She fully agreed with me and also told him that you don't speak to kids like that.
His MO is rarely to sit down and apologize for things he's said. He's very much a guy who's in his own head much of the time. I have learned over the years that I can't sit around expecting an apology or to ever hear "Maybe you were right and I was wrong ". However, I have also come to realize that when he internalizes that he was wrong, he will tailor his future reactions to reflect that. I don't think he'll ever make that particular comment to my son again.

His disrespect towards me and calling me profanities or belittling me when we disagree on something is one of my biggest issues in our relationship. It doesn't happen all too often anymore, (it had actually been so long that I didn't think that was an issue between us anymore). I am especially big on that when it's in front of the kids.

That exact behavior (verbal abuse) was what actually triggered a chain reaction of events that led to our separation previously. He was quite intoxicated at that time, I was trying to reason with him, (in hindsight I probably shouldn't have bothered trying to reason with a drunk, but at the time he was verbally poking, prodding and instigating me and I lost it) he started talking to me like that and I snapped. I grabbed his empty beer bottle and wholloped him upside the head a few times with it. (This was NOT in the presence of my son or anyone else. We have NEVER been physical with each other before or since, and never in front of the children, just to put that out there) This was in May of 2016. I have never physically assaulted anyone in my life and my own reaction and lack of self control in that moment scared the bejeezus out of me. He told me we were done, to which I fully agreed. I was done with him, too. I knew we were over and didn't believe there was any chance of coming back from that. A few days later, still struggling with what I'd done, I checked myself into the hospital and had myself 5150'd. I'd reached a breaking point and an all time low. During my 72 hour stay, lab work was run and I was told my thyroid levels (previously always low) were incredibly high, and that I was pregnant (with our now 11 month old daughter).

We got back together within a couple weeks after that, attended some counseling which unfortunately wasn't a good fit for us. The only thing my insurance would cover was group sessions through Kaiser that were over an hour from home. We had to rush after work in heavy city traffic from different directions to meet there and attend this class with 10+ other couples who were just... Not our type of people and the issues we were having were not even close to being addressed. I was glad he agreed to participate and try it out, but after 3 sessions we mutually decided that particular setting wasn't helping us in any way.

Since that time, it certainly hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies with us, but we certainly have come A LONG way from how we were. We have both, slowly, learned to set boundaries and give each other space. I am still holding out hope tbat we can continue to move forward, especially in the area of respect for one another and the childish name calling. It's become FAR less frequent, but I still look forward to the day where it's a thing of the past and no disagreement EVER results in that. The name calling is entirely his thing. I don't do that. Truly not with anyone. I don't believe that's a way that adults should ever converse. I see it as uneducated, immature, and rediculous and for me it literally only creates anger and resentment and never actually addresses whatever issue is at hand.

Throughout my pregnancy with our daughter, we had the conversation many times of if we were only back together because of the pregnancy. He has assured me that the pregnancy and our relationship are and were totally separate. He says he did not have to stay with me to be a good father to his child and that he would not still be in this relationship if he didn't love me and want to be with me, child or not. He still stands by that. I tend to think differently, but regardless of whether that's true or not, I figure at this point, what could have happened is in the past and the important part is that he's here, I'm here, we're still in this together and we love each other enough to have stuck through it and continue our lives together. That's all that matters to me now.

He doesn't appear to be miserable with me or with his life. As I've stated, our daily life is typically quite pleasant. We've both grown a lot together and still have a lot of growing to do.

I've discussed a lot of the bad, but little of the good. He's a hard worker with a good work ethic as am I. He's a loving man with a kind heart. He tells me he loves me everyday. He is affectionate. We hug, we kiss, we cuddle, we laugh. We send each other stupid, sappy text messages and have a good sex life. We make each other feel loved and we are still physically attracted to each other. He is committed and not a cheat, which is HUGE in my book. He loves our animals and he's proven to be a WONDERFUL daddy to our little girl. There's been a lot of time this winter where he hasn't had much work, and despite paying for child care whether we use it or not, he never takes her to the nanny if he's off work. If he's home and I'm working, he stays home with her. She adores him, as does my son. True, he's never developed an overly emotional or extremely loving relationship with my son, but my son doesn't remember life without him and enjoys that he plays video games and is great with Legos. Sure, *I* wish that would get a call that he took his day off and spent it taking my son to the park or asking about his school day. I wish he were more involved with his sports and his friendshipsa and day to day life. I wish they had developed a more "father/son" bond after all these years. My SO has made mention that my son has never seemed to want or instigate that. I've explained to him that's not up to the child, it's up to the adult. My SO believes that, even though his biological father is nowhere to be found, my son already has a father figure in his life (oddly enough, my uncle, with whom my son is VERY close. He coaches his sports teams, takes him on road trips, to the movies, and pretty much tries to spend any free moment he can with him). My SO thinks there's no room for him in this equation and feels like the third wheel. He has stated (to his sister, not to me) that my son gets so much praise and love and coddling from my family (my mom and uncle) that he feels like his place in the father role is to be the logical one who teaches him discipline, enforces the rules, and basically teaches him how to be a "man". I may agree with this if my son were a disrespectful or unruly kid, but he's quite the opposite. He's very sensitive, he is a GREAT kid. He's intelligent, he listens well, he's his own hardest critic and truly never talks back, acts out, or breaks the rules. He's been nothing but sweet, loving and extremely helpful with his baby sister and with all of us.

As for marriage, my SO does not believe in it because he thinks it's strictly to prove to other people that you love someone and he thinks that's a facade. He believes that commitment and staying together through thick and thin means more than a legal document and a ring. I've explained to him that my goal is to be married eventually, but I'm fully okay with that being on our own terms and more unconventional. I want a ring, and I want to refer to one another as husband and wife. I don't plan to be an old couple still talking about my boyfriend/SO/other half/life partner. I also feel that wearing rings is important to show the outside world that you are committed to someone. However, in the grand scheme of things this is, at this time anyways, low on my list of priorities and as mentioned the fact that he's not a cheat and that he is with me with the intention of being with us for the long haul is more important than a piece of paper by far. We talk about the future, buying property, when the kids are grown, and he says he'll be around to change my diapers, lol.

I don't really believe he'll up and leave us if I were to have this baby. He didn't the first time and things were a LOT more rocky between us then. I think this is his way of stressing how much he doesn't want another child, and how he probably feels trapped in his own life with little to no say on what actually happens. And, honestly, if I decide to go forward with it and he really can't deal, well, that's on him. I love him and I love us, but I can't force him to stay for any reason. If we're truly in this for the long haul, we're going to face other serious issues besides this and if he leaves then I'll just know that he wasn't as committed as he said or as I've believed. If you really love someone and want to live your life with them, you don't leave them over something like this, IMO.
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Old 21st January 2018, 3:20 PM   #19
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Yes, that's the guy. He didn't acknowledge my birthday this year. He did get me some things for Christmas. Our Yosemite trip was arranged by me but was supposed to be my birthday present. I told him in lieu of buying me belated presents right around Christmas time (my birthday is on December 11th) that I'd rather get a room and have some time away. We ended up splitting the costs 50/50, but I enjoyed the trip. Up until the last 45 minutes of the ride home, that is.
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Old 21st January 2018, 8:41 PM   #20
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Did I read that wrong,or did you say he told you to shut up in front of your son?

That's not acceptable.

I'm going to say something to you, and you may not take it well, but please, give it some consideration.

This man is the major role model in your son's life. If he thinks that calling woman rude names ( I don't even like to write it out) , telling you to shut up etc. is okay, then that is what your son will pickup. it's not going to matter if he hears you telling him to stop.

I really think you need to sit him down and tell him that there re issues in how he acts around your son and his and your child, When you and he decided to move in together, that meant he agreed to take on a certain level of responsibility, and that includes being a good role model for your son. Part of that is behaving like a mature adult and showing you respect. Right now, he's not doing that.

Quite frankly, he sound abusive. Again, he is modeling to your son how men should treat women, speak about others, take responsibility. Do you feel he is a good role model?
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Old 21st January 2018, 9:45 PM   #21
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Did I read that wrong,or did you say he told you to shut up in front of your son?

That's not acceptable.

I'm going to say something to you, and you may not take it well, but please, give it some consideration.

This man is the major role model in your son's life. If he thinks that calling woman rude names ( I don't even like to write it out) , telling you to shut up etc. is okay, then that is what your son will pickup. it's not going to matter if he hears you telling him to stop.

I really think you need to sit him down and tell him that there re issues in how he acts around your son and his and your child, When you and he decided to move in together, that meant he agreed to take on a certain level of responsibility, and that includes being a good role model for your son. Part of that is behaving like a mature adult and showing you respect. Right now, he's not doing that.

Quite frankly, he sound abusive. Again, he is modeling to your son how men should treat women, speak about others, take responsibility. Do you feel he is a good role model?
agreed.

OP it doesn't matter how much you try to backtrack to defend this guy. It doesn't matter if he's sweet to you most of the time and you have great sex with him. That doesn't change the fact that he is hurting your son and nobody here is going to tell you that since he's usually decent to you it's okay to overlook how he treats your child.

Your son may seem mostly happy but trust me, he is internalizing the way your SO treats him. He wants to look up to him and have a father/son relationship with him but deep down he knows this man doesn't really even care about him. Your son is only 8 and doesn't yet have the insight into his feelings and he certainly cannot articulate his feelings but the pain he is burying now will manifest later on. I feel so sad so for him. I think it would be better to have no father at all, rather than stepfather who is aloof and unfeeling.

Furthermore, as the above poster stated, he is setting a terrible example for your children. Acting like a child himself, hiding his spending habits and swearing at you. He doesn't cheat. That reminds me of a guy I used to date. I wanted more emotional intimacy and more attachment then he was willing to offer. Whenever I would try to explain my feelings and my needs to him he would point out that he didn't cheat or beat me so what the hell do I have to complain about....lol. I left him. Maybe you don't think you deserve better but your kids certainly deserve better. The fact that he doesn't cheat on you isn't going to undo the damage he is causing them.
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:07 PM   #22
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Except it's a catch-22 dilemma from the get go. If he told her so, he would be a terrible person anyway. Doubly so if their relationship ever ended because now she would never be able to have children with someone else.
Not a catch 22. He knew she got pregnant on birth control the first time so they should have been using back birth control this time. The pill AND a barrier method and since this guy knew the risk and knew that he didn't want another kid then he should have been the one to take responsibility for the backup birth control as in he should have worn a condom.
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:13 PM   #23
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I'm sorry to say, that I agree with the previous posters.

Your boyfriend needs only to tell you shut up or call you names once in front of your son for him to learn that a man can treat a woman that way...

He needs only to call your child a name once, for your child to internalize that this male "father figure" has disrespected him and put him down.

If you decide to stay, your boyfriend needs to know that this kind of behavior is absolutely unacceptable in your home.
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Old 21st January 2018, 10:18 PM   #24
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Not a catch 22. He knew she got pregnant on birth control the first time so they should have been using back birth control this time. The pill AND a barrier method and since this guy knew the risk and knew that he didn't want another kid then he should have been the one to take responsibility for the backup birth control as in he should have worn a condom.
Oh, but I can imagine that he didn't want to wear a condom. Which is why, considering that he chose not to have a vasectomy or use a back-up method of birth control, he should be prepared to accept the responsibility for this unplanned pregnancy. If he didn't want another baby, he should have taken more responsibility for birth control.
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Old 21st January 2018, 11:34 PM   #25
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You're mismatched with this guy. Your goals don't align.

How many more years do you plan to waste on him.

He was right about one thing - he doesn't want kids and he's not parent material.


If you want that baby then have it - he really gets no say.

But end it with him knowing this is who he is. File for child support.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 12:52 AM   #26
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You're mismatched with this guy. Your goals don't align.

How many more years do you plan to waste on him.

He was right about one thing - he doesn't want kids and he's not parent material.


If you want that baby then have it - he really gets no say.

But end it with him knowing this is who he is. File for child support.
Bingo. OP, you seem to be pursuing a Guinness record for pounding a square peg into a round hole. He doesn't want to be a Dad, doesn't act like a father and has shown few parental instincts - and you're about to have your second child with him??? Forget his actions, wants or needs - what the heck are YOU still doing in this relationship and with your life?

Time to think of your children, both present and future. As S2B advised, haul his *ss into court and get yours into a better place...

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Old 22nd January 2018, 7:05 PM   #27
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You just keep trying to defend him. I can only say that this is the behaviour your son will learn .... if you stick with him.

How much self respect are you showing by allowing yourself to be insulted in front of your son this way.

Good luck if you want to continue making excuses for him. That's on you.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 7:15 PM   #28
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Oh, but I can imagine that he didn't want to wear a condom. Which is why, considering that he chose not to have a vasectomy or use a back-up method of birth control, he should be prepared to accept the responsibility for this unplanned pregnancy. If he didn't want another baby, he should have taken more responsibility for birth control.
But the problem is.... he is irresponsible.

And sure, you can force someone to "be responsible". The courts can garnish his wages.... but you can't force someone into wanting to be a parent. You can't force parental instincts, you can't force love, tolerance and patients.

For me, this the stuff of nightmares - literally (I have been known to have horrible, stressful dreams about becoming pregnant, NOT something I want!).

But I am a woman, and I do have the ultimate say..... this guy, like I said before he has been playing Russian Roulette, and has lost, twice now.

And I warn men - if they DO NOT want kids... they really have to be careful, especially when someone has already shown that they will keep an accidental pregnancy. The oldest son was his warning, and he didn't take heed.

Really he can only blame himself for the current situation.

I still think this guy sounds like a lousy father and male role model.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 8:01 PM   #29
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So you smack him and give him the silent treatment for three days straight, he cusses you out and calls your son names?

Both of you are acting dysfunctionally I'm sorry to say. That's just not really how you're suppose to treat people.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 8:20 PM   #30
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You are fine having this child, he isn't.

You want marriage, he doesn't.

You have incompatible parenting styles.

You disapprove of the way he spends money.

Arguments over major issues are addressed with verbal abuse.

Your son is being subconsciously imprinted at a critical age by your partner's lack of validation--something that will affect him negatively to some degree his whole life until he addresses it.



Re-read the above over and over. You guys are fundamentally incompatible on several fronts, imo. You can't hope he'll change his mind on marriage some day simply because you want it, the same way that he's not going to change his mind on having children.
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