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Im lost, because of the details around my wifes rape... Im a mess.


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Old 18th January 2018, 1:51 PM   #16
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Im sad... I know myself all to well.
I am trying to put up walls. Protect myself from possible hurt.
The doubts in my head are making me do this.
I doubt her, and question everything in my head.
Self preservation is making me grow cold.
My love is being drowned with possibility.
The chance that she stepped outside of our relationship backed by all of the things Ive listed that gave me doubt.

Im just afraid of her. Her personality. The need for attention, and in my head Im like well what happens if she feels lonely again. Is she gonna disregard us to scratch the itch. Can I trust her to not put us in danger again. If he is as crazy as she says.. , she told me how he wanted to get her to be his wife... , By her not telling me, he couldve attacked me outside of our apartment. I came in at night, she says she was protecting me. Saying he was crazy, and wanted to claim her or whatever. I could have been attacked and or killed.

I had no reason to think my family was in danger, because she assured me everything was fine...

I get it.. the what ifs are gonna drive me crazy, but the what ifs arent crazy. These things easily couldve been a reality. And I wouldnt of been on guard...
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Old 18th January 2018, 2:49 PM   #17
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If she was raped, I agree with you that her response is ... curious ... to say the least. Questionable. I see why you don’t trust her.

However, if she wasn’t raped, then she’s being doubly cruel by putting you through this (knowing you were raped) and falsely accusing someone of rape when it was consensual.

I hope she isn’t lying to cover for herself, because to do this to you is cold-hearted and mean. As a man, I know many of us don’t even want to think about what rape must be like. Having it happen as a child must have been horrifying.

If she is unwilling to report this (and I think she has reason not to), I hope you can find a way to move forward with your life with minimal damage from this and other things that happened in your life. It might be a good idea to seek counseling to help you deal with things.
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Old 18th January 2018, 3:10 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
If she was raped, I agree with you that her response is ... curious ... to say the least. Questionable. I see why you donít trust her.

However, if she wasnít raped, then sheís being doubly cruel by putting you through this (knowing you were raped) and falsely accusing someone of rape when it was consensual.

I hope she isnít lying to cover for herself, because to do this to you is cold-hearted and mean. As a man, I know many of us donít even want to think about what rape must be like. Having it happen as a child must have been horrifying.

If she is unwilling to report this (and I think she has reason not to), I hope you can find a way to move forward with your life with minimal damage from this and other things that happened in your life. It might be a good idea to seek counseling to help you deal with things.
I think the biggest challenge for the OP is the high probability both of these terrible scenarios are true - she was cheating and she was assaulted.

Very difficult combination to deal with emotionally and a challenge logistically going forward. And, as has been mentioned, not one I'd consider taking on without in-person support, help and counseling.

Imlostnow, hope you find some peace - and stay strong for your child - through this process...

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Old 18th January 2018, 3:13 PM   #19
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I have to agree with those who suggested counseling. There's just too many layers (your past rape, and both of your families sound dysfunctional) to get through this on your own. I'm sure on her part there is some guilt for prior behavior with this guy, she may think she is partially to blame for leading him on especially because you warned her about him.

FWIW, I had an experience in my teens...if it had happened to anyone else I'd be the first to say it was rape. To this day, 25 years later, I have "settled" and consider it date rape. I have never told anyone IRL, my husband does not know, and I never went to the police. Shortly after, my whole sexual demeanor changed in that I thought, if this is all that guys want then that's all they'll get (you mentioned how she started sexting a few weeks after). The one time I saw the guy in person I spit on him and told him I hope he rotted in hell (which to me is similar to her saying she would kill him). It really bothers me to read other posters immediately jump to "she cheated" because a rape is SUCH a mind **** to the victim but seems to be really easy for someone on the outside to have an answer for each behavior even when the victim can't explain.
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Old 18th January 2018, 3:41 PM   #20
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I say lets worry about YOU right now. You have a very disturbed youth. And that trauma was just brought back to you in spades! You need a trauma specialist like yesterday. Did your GF know you were violated as a youth prior to her "incident"?

My opinion doesn't really matter much, but yes, the "affair" has been going on for awhile and you guys were checked out with the new baby and stressful life on both of your shoulders.

She saw validation in the new "friends" at work and seeked attention and self gratification. Instead of both of you turning inwards as a family. She checked out and I feel you might have gotten close.

She probably needs to spend some time at home with her parents and get some IC going. I bet if the counseling is anything worth it's salt, she will cop to infidelity and the rape being used a rugsweep/ blame shift thing in a gross morbid way.

I'm so sorry for you, and seriously hope you get trauma therapy for the PTSD. It will be a long road to seriously heal. Do not cover this up and play all is well...It will destroy you, I know from experience.
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Old 18th January 2018, 5:10 PM   #21
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I agree with this...

Quote:
Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
I say lets worry about YOU right now. You have a very disturbed youth. And that trauma was just brought back to you in spades! You need a trauma specialist like yesterday. Did your GF know you were violated as a youth prior to her "incident"?

My opinion doesn't really matter much, but yes, the "affair" has been going on for awhile and you guys were checked out with the new baby and stressful life on both of your shoulders.

She saw validation in the new "friends" at work and seeked attention and self gratification. Instead of both of you turning inwards as a family. She checked out and I feel you might have gotten close.

She probably needs to spend some time at home with her parents and get some IC going. I bet if the counseling is anything worth it's salt, she will cop to infidelity and the rape being used a rugsweep/ blame shift thing in a gross morbid way.

I'm so sorry for you, and seriously hope you get trauma therapy for the PTSD. It will be a long road to seriously heal. Do not cover this up and play all is well...It will destroy you, I know from experience.
I agree with this... You need to get help for yourself, somehow.

But you know she posted her own thread that was a carbon copy of "Most" of what she told you.

And I will say what I told you the first time you posted, and what I told her.

Sorry man, this is just too weird. I believe that she is lying about it all. Too much just does not add up.

For me, and I know that it is hard, I would just leave her. The way that I see it is this: It would be bad enough if she just cheated, which I believe that she was. But to make up all of this rape stuff, put you through what you have been through already, let the guy come to the birthday party. No way, there are just too many red flags.

She will not come clean so you could actually deal with it. She has already made up the whole rape story, so no way she can go back on it now.

It is just too much. If she had an affair, maybe you could deal with it. Maybe. But adding the rape story just to cover her A**. No way man, that is just too much.

I am sorry for what you are going through...

Last edited by BluesPower; 18th January 2018 at 5:36 PM..
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Old 18th January 2018, 7:21 PM   #22
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It's a screwed up world indeed. And I do see the pain in the OP and the trail of victims in this mess. Nobody is addressing the elephant in the room and I know the mods do not want a "he said, she said". I apologize for missing the GF's thread. I found it, and it's a mess as well.

One thing does stand out is that OP here has a time line for the events while she was living at the apartment and he was working overnights and then up to the bbq... The other brings in family members involvement and weird conversations that seem out of place. Almost as an adjacent to corroborate the event into reality. Then again...It could have ALL taken place, and 2 people that have been thoroughly raped emotionally and physically give their perspectives. Either way...This needs to be aired out, and the correct agencies need to be involved immediately. I would check with the Red Cross and other humanitarian groups about victim services offered. They are almost universally available anywhere. Also, check with churches and other civic groups. They have groups that can do the leg work to get OP and the family into the right track.

I can see that this process looks impossible from where OP and his girl live and breathe, but if you look at the 50,000ft. view, this can be accomplished and healing can begin. Properly this time. As for the relationship, maybe wave the white flag on both sides and call a truce. Get to IC and crisis management...Hopefully, both of you can GROW TOGETHER from this experience and find a stronger bond. A security and trust that both parties can believe in.

Also, to the GF....DO NOT EVER SELL YOURSELF SHORT OR CALL YOURSELF LOW CLASS. That is a state of mind only you yourself can put you in. Even WW have worth in this world. And I can truly say that the peeps here at LS are here to help. Not denigrate with fascinations of economic status. Best of luck. Keep up the thread.
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Old 18th January 2018, 11:47 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
I think the biggest challenge for the OP is the high probability both of these terrible scenarios are true - she was cheating and she was assaulted.
This might actually be the case. She sought out terrible people, befriended them and things went further. A lot of what she said prior and her story prior to the assault would align with this including "if other girls tell you I have an affair, it's not true!".

He might've come over, she might've not felt comfortable doing it at home with the baby close by and he might've not cared one lick. This isn't really an "either or" case, both the assault and the affair might've happened.

Him having leverage against her, leverage others can back up such as the affair that people apparently knew about might cause her to not want to press charges for the assault.

Honestly OP, I think you should get out. Throughout this entire thing she deceived and lied to you, she ignored how you were feeling and your worries. She kept it up even after this has happened and did not care one bit. It's slowly chipping away at you destroying your mental health and happiness. Worse, while your baby is young now the problems between you and it's mother ARE going to affect it as it grows up, this stuff isn't going away. Think about the baby for once, think about yourself too.

If you don't want to leave, give her an ultimatum to press charges. Whether she does or not, the truth will come out one way or another when you put on the pressure.
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Old 18th January 2018, 11:58 PM   #24
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If she presses charges now, what are the chances of her proving rape at this point?

She’s waited. Destroyed evidence. May have been involved in an consensual affair. Been deceptive.

I think a defense attorney would have a field day with this case.

So, what would be the point of filing charges now? To make her husband feel better? Would that work? Be good for him?
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:04 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by MidKnightDreams View Post
If she presses charges now, what are the chances of her proving rape at this point?

So, what would be the point of filing charges now? To make her husband feel better? Would that work? Be good for him?
To possibly get a person incarcerated who is a violent manipulative rapist, who raped a mother while her baby was sleeping in the next room. Then managed to attend said babies birthday soon after?

Let's ignore everything else, that alone would have been worth the effort. The damage is done anyway. She did everything she could to make sure of that and maximize it.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 19th January 2018 at 10:14 PM..
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Old 19th January 2018, 12:54 AM   #26
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OP, reading your thread I was skeptical of your wife's story. But, I'm on the fence now because something in her post about the rape resonated deeply with me.

This may sound trite but I'm not sure it is.

I live in a neighborhood where people seeking jobs such as raking leaves, lawn mowing, etc., often come.

One day I was outside in my front yard and a man came by with a rake asking if he could rake my leaves (this was normal) but it was spring and there were no leaves to rake (weird) so I, of course, turned him down.

He then asked me if I would get him a drink of water (this is what your wife said the guy asked her). So, I went inside to get him a drink of water and locked the front door behind me. When I came back out with the water he was gone. A few weeks later I heard on the news that a guy fitting his description exactly was getting into women's homes and raping them. I believe it was the same guy who asked me for water because he fit the description perfectly down to his attire.

If a guy I knew from work came to my house to pick something up and asked me for a glass of water, I'd get it for him and I don't believe I'd close or lock the door behind me as that would look as if I didn't trust him.

So, yes, this scenario resonated with me.

You guys have got to get into counseling and sort this out. The two of you love each other, both of you say, and you have a child together. Whatever you end up doing, please get with a good counselor. You may have to try one or two before finding one whom you like.

Also, I wish there was a way to convey to you my deepest sadness to read of your own rape at the age of five. And now what you're going through with your wife. I'm so so sorry. My heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers.
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Old 19th January 2018, 3:58 AM   #27
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OP,
My wife was raped 26 years ago New Year's Eve. We started dating 17 years ago and when we got serious she disclosed the fact that she had been raped minus the details once we got serious. The fact that she was raped had no bearing on how I felt about her and even though it happened 9 years prior it was obvious it was disturbing so I didn't ask any questions. Fast forward to 2 Aprils ago I decided since our sex life had slowed down due to kids I wanted to know the details of what happened to her. That was a huge mistake. If you're interested google "just found out the details of my wife's rape" under myptsd.com and you will find a painful story. I'll hit 3 years of therapy in a few months and I've still got a long way to go.

A single observation that jumps off the screen based on your and other posters (who I like and respect) is it is no wonder women seldom report rape. When their own spouses doubt them how can a prosecutor even bring a case like your wife's to trial when all that is needed for acquittal is reasonable doubt. If the posters here were a jury this guy walks. You need 12 out of 12 to get a guilty verdict. Some other observations of your wife's rapist convince me he is a cunning predator:
1. He dictates how they communicate so the messages disappear. Makes not only a jury doubt but a husband.
2. He dictates that although her mother has the marijuana he obtains it through your wife which by your description is a state where marijuana is not legal or at a bare minimum not legal to sell out of a home. To charge him with a felony she is likely to have to face one herself.
3. He picks a woman with a young child who's husband is the breadwinner. Smart move if you want to make sure your victim doesn't lose her husband to a jail cell if she tells him if she thinks he'll fly off the handle.

Between therapy, anonymous forums and google I've become very knowledgeable on rape statistics and it's sickening. For 1000 rapes the stats are as follows 310 reported, 57 reports lead to arrest, 11cases referred to pros,7 lead to felony conviction and 6 lead to incarcerationecutor
1. 310 reported
2. 57 reports lead to arrest
3. 11 cases referred to prosecution
4. 7 lead to felony conviction
5. 6 lead to incarceration
6. Of those convicted they average serving 5 years (this stat not from RAINN).
All of this is another reason women do not report. As for false rape reports if your wife did make up this rape story she is in the 2-3% of the raped population who made it up. Was she having an affair that led to a rape? I wouldn't even go there.
My advice is do not leave your wife. She had no chance against her rapist based on what I've read. Do not blame your wife. I haven't read her thread but it is apparent to me she already blames her self. I just celebrated my 15th anniversary with an incredible woman that is also my wife and was raped at 13 in much the same premeditated manner your wife was. The odds are 1 in 4-5 women who live in the USA have been victims of rape. Where my wife's rapist decided to put his dick had nothing to do with where she wanted him to keep it. I'd highly recommend forgiving your wife. She needs you. The best thing I've gotten out of therapy was a definition of forgiveness my therapist sent me in the form of an Oprah youtube video. "Forgiveness is giving up hope that the past could have been any different." What happened to your wife and mine cannot be changed. If you take my advice your biggest problem is going to be how you deal with your wife's rapist. I do not have a problem with my wife but I have a serious problem with her rapist. When it comes to rape there is no justice. You are going to have to come to terms with that. It's been one of the hardest things I've had to do.

I have had to change my thinking on so many levels to even consider forgiving her rapist. Forgiveness is such a misnomer. You are not giving anything to your wife or your wife's rapist if you forgive them. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself. Mine as well as your wife's rapist can burn in hell for all I care but I will not let her rapist occupy space in my mind in the form of the rage that their actions have caused me/you to feel. Once I accepted (gave up hope) that I could change the past I made progress. I've been where you are. My angel is still there and so is yours. Take this how ever you want but this is coming from someone who was almost raped at 14. We have a lot in common and I can tell you you have a long way to go but if you have a great woman do not let what a calculating predator decided to take take the woman you love. I truly wish you the best.
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Old 19th January 2018, 8:24 AM   #28
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I donít believe your wife is telling you the truth. She knew you didnít feel comfortable with this guy.

I took a statement from a young wife that got caught in the barracks with a guy in her squad. They had been drinking and one thing lead to another. She crying about her husband leaving her when he found out. This was Friday night, by Monday morning she was saying she was raped. I was in the COís office being questioned about what was said that night. I know a wife will lie about this first hand to save her marriage.

Why tell now, just because you sent a message to another girl and deleted it.
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Old 19th January 2018, 9:05 AM   #29
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No one except your wife and that guy will ever truly know what happened, but your reasons for not believing her don't really hold up:

1. She didn't report him - welcome to reality, most rapes are not reported, for very good reasons. Most victims do not want to deal with the disbelief, harassment, and dragging through the mud for a slim chance at putting their rapists away for a few short years.

2. She was friendly with her rapist, before, and to a lesser degree after the assault- again, this is right in line with statistics on rape. Most rapes fall in the "date rape" category, where the victim knows the perpetrator. Just because she wasn't completely transparent about her relationship with his guy doesn't mean she wanted him to assault her.

Unfortunately, the type of situation that happened to your wife is so common that many women accept some blame in the situation- "I should t have been wearing that" - as your wife seems to be- and move on by doing our best to avoid a repeat. Not pressing charges or any form of vengeance.

Please get some therapy and for the love of god, stop asking her for more details. It is not helping either of you to heal.
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Old 19th January 2018, 9:20 AM   #30
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I guess yesterday afternoon, I was just trying to put some humanity back into both threads when I posted. Hence the "fence rider"...lol'

I still am on the side that the GF has some 'splaining to do. Things just don't jog out that way in real life..IME What also worries me is the run to the "rape" story...It sells out real victims of sexual assault and puts otherwise good men in doubt let alone legal jeopardy.

But with mercy and compassion, I do realize that both parties have pain, and alot of destruction around them. Also, with kids involved, it gets even more complicated. Ultimately, they need help and hopefully get it soon. Whether or not their marriage can last it is something else. They do deserve our prayers and kindness.
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