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Not the love of his life?


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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  • 2 Post By jenkins95
  • 2 Post By BluesPower
  • 2 Post By d0nnivain
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Old 9th November 2017, 9:29 PM   #1
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Unhappy Not the love of his life?

Hello, first time posting.. I have been married for almost a year. I am in my early 30s, husband is 40. We are are already expecting our first baby this winter. I love my husband and I know he loves me but I feel his ex (and first girlfriend who he was almost engaged to and only other serious relationship he's had besides me) was the love of his life. They were both 33 when they started dating and it lasted 2.5 years. I trust him and they haven't talked since before we got together so I am not worried about her being in his life. But I feel deep down that he will always love her more, that what they had was more passionate that what we have.

During our recent move, I found a letter he had written to her. They had talked about getting married but he had a lot of hesitation because she was not Christian, his family and friends were against it, and they would often have very heated arguments. They broke up because they got the ring but he couldn't get himself to propose. Well, in the letter, he said here is a gift (custom engagement ring) no strings attached but that he knows now he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, that he will never love anyone more etc. That she can keep the ring (which was cost double what mine is btw) and he doesn't expect to hear from her - that he will take that as a sign she's found happiness which is good enough. I've also found poems he wrote to her, picture folders of her and a file folder dedicated to her on his old computer but he has never done that or had those things for me. He gifted her so many nice things but he never spent that much on me. Granted she picked those items out and I am not into brand name items.. I also found a video on his old laptop just kissing her for an extended time. I can't even remember the last time we just sat there and kissed.

All of those things with his ex happened before my husband and I met. I just feel so lost, heartbroken, insecure, guilty for digging through his stuff, and completely selfish for being sad when I should be elated for my baby that is on the way. I don't know how to resolve the issue.. I've talked to him but haven't gone into detail yet about the things I've found on his computer. He says he loves me more than anything that he has never been happier. Any advice will be appreciated.
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:19 AM   #2
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Hi (((Jane)))

I completely understand how you feel and it must have felt awful in so many different ways to discover and go through that stuff from his previous relationship.

But personally, I don’t think you have anything to worry about! Everything will be OK – although I understand it is a bit of a mental hurdle to get over. Feelings of being in love can be fickle. I, for example, have been in love with 4 different women in my life. At the zenith of any one of those relationships, I could have told the world that that particular woman was perfect for me, heaven sent, my soul mate, the one, the love of my life, etc, etc.

But life and experience teaches you that these feelings of being in love can be fleeting and are prone to change whether a relationship lasts or ends. After a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean that you have to forget what you had or you no longer acknowledge that person was special to you, but you put it in context. The relationship ended for a reason and you realise that falling in love isn’t actually that unique or special – we are all wired for it. You can have a soul mate, but your soul mate is not presented to you from a higher power – you create your solu mate by how both interact together and show love in your relationship. No one is anyone’s soul mate on day 1!

At the time your H was with his ex, and around the very difficult time that it must have been when they were splitting up and the added drama of the “tragedy” aspect of it, then yes, I imagine his feelings for her were very strong and he meant what he said in the letters. But that’s in the past now. After the split, he would have grieved initially and then his brain would have gradually re-wired itself. Eventually, he probably stopped seeing it as the amazing, prefect relationship that it felt like previously and more like the “normal” relationship that it really was. Also, it ended for a reason and he now probably sees that it was right that it ended. If ti was the perfect realtionship then no reason would have kept them apart.

Then you came along and blew him away, you both fell in love, married and he has said that he is extremely happy. Add a baby to the mix and you sound like a perfect family! We all have a past and often there were very real feelings in past relationships, but feelings are fickle and it is the present that counts. Work together to keep your marriage special and safe and you can make it the perfect relationship for you both, your baby (and furture babies) that lasts forever. You can be soul mates forever – soul mates that you create yourselves by making each other feel special and loved, always putting the work in and making each other your number one priority.

From your post, you sound like a lovely lady and he sounds like a really great man. I wish you nothing but the best.

Last edited by jenkins95; 10th November 2017 at 4:26 AM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:59 AM   #3
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Good post Jinks...

Good post Jinks...

OP, let me put it a different way. I don't know how many relationships you have had.

But, anyone's first love is a special love, and they almost never ever work out. That first love is when we are just learning how to love and be in love.

Now, I have loved a lot of woman, and like jinks said, at the time they were the one. But now at my age, and experience, All of the women I am with know one thing for sure.... They get one chance, and only one chance.

If they pull some type of BS, they are toast. I just don't have time for that in my life. Not that you guys are old enough to be that way.

If you are worried about your husbands Ex, talk to him. Don't be crazy but just talk. Tell him what you have told us. Ask the questions that you need answers to.

I can tell you this, there is a special bond between a man and a woman that are having a child together, and he chose to do that with you. That bond is one of the most special things is life, and it never changes, it is always there.

Talk to him, and if he is any kind of man, he will reassure you of his feelings for you and how special you are...
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:10 AM   #4
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Try to focus on the fact that he married you & that you two are having a kid. She was a fantasy. You are his wife.

Yes, what you read was upsetting. What he said in the letter was probably true at the time. It's not necessarily true now.

Hugs
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:21 AM   #5
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He says he loves you and has never been happier.

You say they often had very heated arguments. With very heated arguments come anxiety and a lot of grand gestures, of the genre: "Here let me journal and write you a poem".

It sounds like the two relationships are very different - and that he picked the right woman to love and build a family with.

Congratulations on the baby!
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:55 AM   #6
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When I was in my late 20s, I had what I thought was the "catch". I used poetry and song, I was extremely romantic and did things the "right way", planning on being with this woman for the rest of my life. Things detonated and I was left heartbroken. I ended up very jaded and shallow for a long time. When I was dating my wife, I didn't do hardly anything like I did with the other. I just didn't repeat the process all over again to be broken yet again. Maybe it was just laziness, or maybe I justified into protecting myself. Either way, the relationship made it to marriage and that was 12 years ago. She has expressed that she wished I was more romantic or honeymoonish... But that part of me is kinda dead and fell off. lol I am loyal, dependable as well as loving. I just show it differently in this relationship. But she does know that in the end....I choose her. I love her, and I picked her to be the mother of my babies. Hopefully, that is enough. Congrats on your soon to be little one. Many blessings. And take it to heart, most men choose to father with someone they cherish and take pride in calling their own. Sounds like he chose well.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:56 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
When I was in my late 20s, I had what I thought was the "catch". I used poetry and song, I was extremely romantic and did things the "right way", planning on being with this woman for the rest of my life. Things detonated and I was left heartbroken. I ended up very jaded and shallow for a long time. When I was dating my wife, I didn't do hardly anything like I did with the other. I just didn't repeat the process all over again to be broken yet again. Maybe it was just laziness, or maybe I justified into protecting myself. Either way, the relationship made it to marriage and that was 12 years ago. She has expressed that she wished I was more romantic or honeymoonish... But that part of me is kinda dead and fell off. lol I am loyal, dependable as well as loving. I just show it differently in this relationship. But she does know that in the end....I choose her. I love her, and I picked her to be the mother of my babies. Hopefully, that is enough. Congrats on your soon to be little one. Many blessings. And take it to heart, most men choose to father with someone they cherish and take pride in calling their own. Sounds like he chose well.
Brilliant post!

We all change and we all show love in different ways and this may change as we go through the stages of life. We all have a past.

Bottom line, your H has never been happier!

I'd like to add my congratulations on the pregnancy!

Good luck!
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:18 PM   #8
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Thank you

Thank you all so much for the advice and kind words. I feel better now will still seek counseling to really let this go and not fester. Often times response on forums can be so harsh. I'm so touched by your empathy. *cries
God bless everyone.
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