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Dealing With Wife's Possible Homosexuality - Staying Married With Side Partners

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Old 30th October 2017, 2:16 AM   #1
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Dealing With Wife's Possible Homosexuality - Staying Married With Side Partners

Got a situation that sounds almost too bizarre to be true, like something out of porn or a lifetime movie. I'll keep the background Short and Sweet.

Together 14 years, married 9 years. Started hitting hard turbulence in the relationship about 4 years ago (2013). Wife's mother died, massive fight in our relationship nearly resulting in divorce, child just turning 1 - the fight and the death altered the course of our relationship permanently. Here's what happened, and what's going on since.

Near end of 2013, the wife started developing a habit. She'd go to "take a shower" and proceed to lock herself in our bedroom for 2+ hours every night. Wouldn't answer or would become flustered if I knocked or tried to enter. Discovered she was spending the majority of the 2+ hours of "taking a shower" watching "TV-14/PG-13" lesbian videos, then graduated to TV-MA lesbian videos, right on up to softcore and then hardcore pornography. All lesbian. Confronted her about it, resulting in another nearly relationship-ending fight where I was told "I warned you years ago that there are things I don't want you or ANYONE in my life to know". Red flags.

Fast forward a few years to the present - several years of couples therapy, trying to make things work...we're still together. Sex happens maybe 3 times a year. I'm sick of it. She doesn't care and wants nothing to do with sex. Thought the lesbian thing was just a phase because it hadn't come up or been an issue, but did notice that she had become very close with a female coworker, chatting with her on facetime for hours, texting to all hours of the night - one time she literally jumped off the couch with excitement, ran upstairs and shut and locked the door when a facetime call came in from coworker.

I suspected, based on previous experience, that my wife was once more exploring her bisexuality, or possibly full on homosexuality. Confirmed when I took our daughter out to the zoo but had to turn back and reschedule for another day due to a massive accident making travel to the zoo a 3+ hours affair.

Obviously expecting us to be gone for hours, the wife used the time with the coworker to her advantage. Came home, entered through backyard, glanced into basement window because I saw something in the corner of my eye that looked like porn playing on the big screen (thankfully daughter didn't see it), crouched to look in - found wife sitting in front of laptop/camera which was hooked up to the flatscreen, nude and masturbating to what I thought was porn, until I saw that the woman on the screen was her coworker, and they were having cybersex or webcam sex, whatever it might be called. Cat's out of the bag.

So, here's the thing - I like her coworker a lot. Frankly I'm done with most aspects of our relationship, and if my wife wants to be a lesbian now, so be it. I'm actually glad that she chose this person as her partner because they get along well...I don't bear much ill will toward my wife, other than the resentment for withholding sex and being emotionally/physically disconnected. I now completely understand why, and instead of being enraged, I'm seeing this as a new opportunity.

We have a sitdown scheduled for tomorrow night after work. I told her what I saw and that I'm not "angry" per se, but that we need to have a discussion. I'm going to propose the possibility of staying married, but actively seeking a girlfriend while not at all infringing on her desire to be with her girlfriend, in fact encouraging it - her mother was an absolute B-word C-word, and I wouldn't be surprised if her mother's death is what gave her the confidence to start exploring something she had to keep in her whole life.

So in short...I don't hate her. Not anymore. I'm bitter, and resentful that instead of telling me what was going on she simply chose to cut me off from sex and affection for several years. But I'm an understanding person, and I get why this happened. But what I'm looking for here is opinion:

Do I stay married for the sake of our daughter (Who has undergone many traumatic experiences over the past 2 years with a move halfway across the country, death of our dog and death of several family members), while my wife and I commit to active extramarital relationships, or should I just go full divorce right now and pick up the pieces later?

Although I don't hate my wife for her change in lifestyle, I am not happy about the fact that I just threw away 15 years of the prime of my life to a lesbian who will never again show me any sort of affection or intimacy, despite all the years we were together. I view taking on a girlfriend as an opportunity to establish another relationship that I can grow, and then get divorced when I'm ready to move on fully.

Anyone have a similar experience with a spouse realizing they were gay? What did you do?
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Old 30th October 2017, 9:07 AM   #2
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Don't throw away another 15 years. If being with a woman that can love you back is something you want, you should do that. To deny yourself that is modeling dysfunction to your daughter.

If you don't divorce now but do date other women, chances are you will eventually fall in love and then either be totally heart broken or divorce then. Do it now and you retain an honorable ending along with a legitimate good start with a new women.

Plus you are getting to the point in marriage where spousal support will become life time support instead of durational.
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:03 PM   #3
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I personally, don't think it's in the best interest of the child to live with two parents who don't share any affection, have constant tension between them, and/or are involved in extramarital affairs that take their time and attention away from the child. Your child will know that they live in an unhappy and unhealthy home, and that will cause more damage than divorce.

I also think that you are deserving of love and affection. Don't waste another 15 years of your life when you could be sharing your life with a woman who really loves you.

Definitely talk to a lawyer. The longer you stay, the more you will pay...

Best wishes.
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:20 PM   #4
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OP, I think you're being very understanding.

I feel for your wife. Very hard to have to come to terms with your sexuality being gay while married to a man. However, given that you seem very calm and supportive, it seems she's been unfair to you. Things would have been much kinder if she'd been honest.

Despite this, I think your choice should be based on what you think will be best for your daughter. Do you think you and your wife can live separate love lives while remaining in the same house?

Your new girlfriend will at some point want some commitment from you. How will you manage that, considering your daughter.

Overall though, I think your wife is lucky she's got you for a husband and not some right wing idiot who would either turn violent or see it as an opening for a Swedish porn experience.
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:20 PM   #5
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If file for divorce now and work on a co-parent relationship.
'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'

'If a man wants a woman to be an angel, he must first create a heaven for her. Angels do not live in hell'
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Old 31st October 2017, 4:41 PM   #6
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Staying married under these circumstances isn't fair to anyone.

Your wife likely is a lesbian and she deserves the opportunity to find the right woman for her and to live her life authentically. She shouldn't have to spend her life hiding who she is and hiding the woman she loves in order to keep up appearances in a sham marriage. Whoever she is involved with doesn't deserve to spend life treated as a dirty secret, hidden from the world, and cut off from sharing her life.

You deserve the opportunity to find the right woman for you and to live an authentic life, too. Whoever you become involved with also doesn't deserve to be as a treated as a guilty secret, hidden away from the world and cut off from sharing your life.

Your child doesn't deserve to grow up in a home where her only model of an adult romantic relationship is between two people who aren't actually in a romantic relationship.

Do the right thing. Amicably divorce and be great co-parents from separate happy homes.
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I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. Where the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain." - Litany Against Fear
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Old 5th November 2017, 12:35 AM   #7
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I'm maybe not as confident as you are that there are lots of women who would be thrilled to date a married man with a lesbian wife who lives with you. If that sort appeals to you, go for it. But don't hold your breath waiting for true love and a reason to file for divorce. And maybe, just maybe, your daughter will of an age where divorce is more traumatic to her than it would have been at two or three.

And how much more in spousal support and property split will you owe if you are married another 5 or 10 years? You might consider an attorney consultation as an investment for future gain.
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