First love or first relationship

[svr]

I fell for her ("A"), my first love but she was with someone else ("B")at the time. We were close. She meant the world to me. I felt it wasnt right and I eventually backed off. I did not think my feelings would ever be reciprocated as i was 2 years younger than her. I felt i was just hoping too much.

 

As i tried to move on, couple of years down the road, i met my present gf in 2010 we were good friends and got together subsequently. We have been together since ( for 7 years now). Recently met A and she told me she had always been thinking abt me but held back since im with someone else. she broke up with B in 2011 and has been single since. She dismissed a fair share of proposals too as apparently she didnt really feel the same way abt any of them.

 

She told me recently she likes me (she apologised later as she felt she shouldnt have said it). I went back home and cried like a baby. The last i cried, well, it was 13 years ago. What do i do now.. Im normally laid back. But ive not been myself lately. I love my gf but the feelings i had/hv for A is simply different altogether. My head is messed up.

[dichotomy]

My guess - only a guess - is you feel head over heals for "A" but its unrequited and untested love. "A" said said she likes you or thinks of you, but did not say she felt the same way - head over heals, love of her love, biggest mistake not being with you etc... also you two never were BF and GF so you dont even know if your the ones for each other. I think your just projecting.

 

You say you love your current GF, and your good friends as well. How would you say your current GF feels about you? Say on a scale of 1-10 in love and sex and all that for you? Are you thinking marriage and future together?

 

If you dont see that in the future with your current GF, then go try your unrequited love.

Edited October 24, 2017 by dichotomy

[Just a Guy]

Hi svr, all I can say in this case is " A bird in hand is worth two in the bush". Your current GF is a tried and tested relationship. You've been with her for seven years. This other girl is an unknown quantity. You do not know her intimately the way you do your GF. If you break up with your GF and try and test drive your relationship with the other girl, and it fails then you are neither here nor there. As the old saying goes " Stick to the knitting". and you will do well. Warm wishes.

[svr]

Yes it is certainly untested. What worries me is i will continue to live a life thinking what if.. especially when i know now that my feelings are reciprocated. A did mention that she really want to be with me but she cant since im with someone. A and I went out recently after 5 years and we just connected instantaneously.

 

The other concern if if im gonna continue with my gf and think abt A often, it would certainly be unfair on my gf who has done absolutely no wrong.

[newmoon]

it's a bit selfish of A to tell you this, and i suspect A might be in a bad place right now (maybe just out of a relationship?), and throwing out that statement is a way to test the waters. i wouldn't go chasing after A, but i'd take this as a chance to look at the relationship i have with B and question why it hasn't advanced beyond dating - 7 years is a long time to just be bf/gf. A represents more of a fantasy/ideal and could have been put back in your path not to pursue romantically, but to illuminate what's happening with you/B and make you reevaluate your own life. just because an old crush comes back it doesn't mean you need to go chasing after the crush, you know? people can come back around in our lives as a way to evaluate ourselves - how far have you progressed in the years since, and etc.

[svr]

Thats true but I am in no position to judge her. As i did confess my love to her when she was with someone else. So i wasnt any different. I just feel its a shame that Im never going to know whether or not it could have worked out with A. That thought sometimes is a lil too much to take.

[Just a Guy]

Hi svr, let's look at it this way. If you were meant to be with A then by now circumstances would have worked in a way to bring you two together, unfettered by other obligations. You say you told her that you loved her all those years ago. Well if she had loved you in return she would have broken off with her partner at the time and come to you. All this woolly headed thinking will do you no good but only ruin everything good in your life.

 

What is your relationship with your GF like? How would you rate it? If it is really good then think about things. If you feel it is so so and you two are just drifting then maybe you should call time on it. Although I think a seven year relationship is more like an non solemnized marriage. By now you and your GF should know more about each other than any one else. Think and act wisely. Do not entertain fatuous fantasies. Warm wishes.

[newmoon]

Thats true but I am in no position to judge her. As i did confess my love to her when she was with someone else. So i wasnt any different. I just feel its a shame that Im never going to know whether or not it could have worked out with A. That thought sometimes is a lil too much to take.

 

it's all part of the mind working through various options and the things we could have done better/different in our life. what if i became a doctor instead of a lawyer? what if i had married X instead of Y? what if i had/didn't have kids? it goes on and on. lots of people wonder 'what if' - that's natural have you talked to your gf about A? it might be more difficult if you're feeling like you're keeping it a secret, too.

[svr]

I had a thing for A but A never felt the same about me (thats what I've been telling my gf all these years). Im not sure if she should know. I dont think I would be thinking this hard had I got into a relationship with A and then broke up. At least I would have had a closure that, well it never worked out kinda thing. On a lighter note, Im pretty content on being a lawyer :-D Cheers man. And you guys have been great help.