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Insecure husband


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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  • 9 Post By preraph
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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:26 PM   #1
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Insecure husband

I have been married 25 years to my husband. We both had sexual encounters with others before marriage. About ten years ago when I was pregnant with our forth child my husband began questioning me wanting to know every detail about every boyfriend or person I dated. I had premarital sex with a high school boyfriend but that is it. I don't consider myself as a promiscuous person and have been a devoted wife and mother. We even saw a counselor at this time. He has lately started bringing things up again which makes me completely anxious all the time not knowing what he is going to question me about or bring up.

Recently he began questioning me about my OB visits and was upset after learning online that they do a pelvic exam inserting their fingers into your vagina. Then I get questions like have you ever had a vaginal ultrasound, etc.

He also got jealous about a male neighbor texting me about my son who was vacationing with his children about my sons homesickness. He claimed it was inappropriate. Although all the texts were about how to help my son.

I have been accused of cheating, and I get questioned about everything. He does all this and then he sulks if we don't have sex twice a week. I enjoy our sex life but only enjoy it once a week.

My husband seems obsessed with me, over analyzing our relationship and everything else. I sometimes keep things from him about the kids because he overanalyzes and worries about everything. He tells me constantly that he didn't get anything done at work because he was thinking about something at home.

I take care of everything at home. Buying groceries, making meals, laundry, cleaning and paying bills. I have never cheated or even been tempted to. I am tired of the accusations and distrust. I am not sure that he will ever change and I am not sure if I can deal with his insecurities much longer.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 3:00 PM   #2
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Realize that for one thing, the person who is accusatory is usually a person who would cheat if they thought they could get away with it. Why I say this is because of the way HE thinks, in his mind, here is a scenario where cheating is possible, and HE would be tempted. Has nothing to do with you. Has to do with HE would be tempted. He assumes YOU also think that way. You might try to explain that to him. Say "Just because you see temptation in every scenario doesn't mean I do, and it says more about you than it does about me." And you should get him in individual counseling. It's his problem. He is insecure and shouldn't be making this your problem after so many years together. Go with him to therapy to get him started so he hears your side of it and doesn't get bamboozled by him.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 3:01 PM   #3
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Could be lots of things.


Your married 25. 10 years ago (about after your 4th child) he started questioning your sexual histroy and faithfulness. You saw a therapist.

It went away (his questioning) Now 10 years later (now) he is starting in again?

I am going to ask you to check on him, maybe he is cheating, maybe he has some other hidden issues you don't know about, money, gambling, drugs, depression, porn addiction. Spy on him.

Second (as a guy) I am going to ask you to just deal - and try having sex with him twice a week (what he prefers over what you do now). Ya I know he is being an A hole and I know your not going to be into it. But just see if he changes for a couple months of more sex from you.

If this just occurred (his sudden change) I might say there might be something medical going on - perhaps even brain issues. BUt it happened 10 years ago to for a while after your 4th child.

Also go back to couples therapy. A nice trick I like to propose to get him to go - say you need help and could he accompany you to the therapist "to help straighten you out". He will eat that up...until the therapist starts in on BOTH of you.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 3:21 PM   #4
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What Preraph said. Someone that doesn't trust anyone is someone that can't be trusted. It's one of those red flags my Dad taught me to watch for. There's a reason they trust no one and it says much more about them than everyone else. The medical crap is just bizarre. Ask him how his prostate is examined. Was it a male medical professional? Are you gay? Was it a woman? Why not a male?
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Old 22nd October 2017, 6:08 PM   #5
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Before I even got to Preraph's reply, I was thinking the same thing. Is HE cheating on YOU and just projecting?

It seems to be even more obsessive than the norm though - gyn exams and such. I almost wonder if he leans a bit towards emotionally abusive/controlling?

How does he deal with you going out with girlfriends? Does he control what you wear (even in subtle ways)?
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:00 PM   #6
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I agree that cheaters do project. It was my first thought. But your H seems a bit more worried about you messing around than someone that is projecting would.

So I'll add this: if any of my friends told me that asking for sex more than once a week resulted in a fight or that their SO just flat out refused sex more than once a week, I'd tell them that their SO's were probably cheating on them.

Both scenarios I listed a very possible to be what's happening.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:20 PM   #7
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Those are not the actions of an emotionally healthy person.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 9:54 PM   #8
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[QUOTE=GoldenR;7446779]

So I'll add this: if any of my friends told me that asking for sex more than once a week resulted in a fight or that their SO just flat out refused sex more than once a week, I'd tell them that their SO's were probably cheating on them.


The thing about the lower libido partner is they are in control. If once a week is enjoyable but more is not than the low libido partner gets what they want 7 days a week. They get sex the 1 day they want it and when they do not want sex the other 6 days a week they get what they want then to. I'll get corrected on this thought here or tomorrow when I go see a sex therapist. If marriage is about compromise why is consensual sex off the table for compromise? I can't help my libido which is on the high end (in the sense that I want it but will never take it especially since my wife was date raped) nor can she help hers which is lower than mine. We do meet in the middle though. I guess I'm lucky. Especially reading what many here go through.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:12 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
So I'll add this: if any of my friends told me that asking for sex more than once a week resulted in a fight or that their SO just flat out refused sex more than once a week, I'd tell them that their SO's were probably cheating on them.
This, might actually be an explanation. He seems to be unhappy about once a week, while she is completely content with it. Which means they have an ongoing conflict of interest here.

Now he might actually be seeking advice from others, possibly friends or online and people might very well tell him that she is getting her fix somewhere else and the once a week is just "her doing her obligation to keep him in line".

Honestly, once a week would frigging kill me.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:41 PM   #10
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How long has this been going on?

Did something trigger this?

Something happened to start this. A hit in the head or something.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 3:22 PM   #11
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I am sorry that you are struggling with this- I would seek some couples counselling, because relationship is not about control or power or fear- please be very safe- for you and little ones. Many blessings
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:50 PM   #12
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Thanks for all the comments, I appreciate the time others take to help me figure out a solution. So maybe my libido is low, I have had to be put on Zoloft to handle the anxiety in my life. But I see your point of view and will try to amp up the sex and see if that helps.

I failed to mention something that may have a huge impact on why he is so distrusting. Just this summer he told me about an incident that happened 20 years ago with a work colleague. He went to his house to watch a ball game and said he remembered eating something and then he blacked out for a few hours. This work friend was a male and my husband is pretty sure he was raped while drugged. Mind you he is telling me about this 20 years later. He claims he did nothing to provoke it and that he isn't gay. But he did continue to go to work and see this guy daily and never got counseling or anything because he was too embarrassed to talk about it.

Last week he asked if I went to the Dr because I seemed stretched out while having sex. This week he was mad I wore a sports bra to work although I was told to dress accordingly to substitute teach a PE class. It is always something strange that he is suspicious about. I am trying to be sympathetic because I think he has a mental health issue. He also said that now I am working outside the home ( I have been substituting for teachers for the past year) that he is worried someone is going to try to pick up on me because I am dressing nice.

I have asked him to go to a counselor and he hasn't made an appt. I have offered to make the appt and go with him but he says it's his problem. I am just feeling worn down at this point and need someone to vent to. Will he ever change or quit being paranoid?
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:30 PM   #13
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No, he will not change. In fact, I’ll bet he gets worse over time if you don’t put a stop to it.
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