Married and Lonely

[val23]

I'm 24 year-old female. I have been married for just a little over a year now. I have known my husband for 3 years now. When we first met we were crazy about each other. During the time we dated we lived apart for 6 months then got engage and 6 months after that we got married. None of it was strictly planned if anything we loved how organically our relationship developed.

 

Before we moved in together we would be intimate all the time, now it rarely happens. Honestly, as a married woman now I wonder when people have sex and they say "it just happened" when I have access to my partner 24/7 and it seems to barely happen once a month. We're not busy people, we do not have kids. I am currently a student and he works a 9-5 job that now and then keeps him late.

 

I am a very physical person, I like a passionate and real relationship. I don't do small talk when I am with someone I want to be able to connect on a deeper level. However, my husband on the other hand is complacent. I am his first and only girlfriend. I never wanted to admit this might be an issue moving forward but I see now that it could be. As he doesn't know how to put in the work of being in a relationship and I have to be a teacher all the time. My husband and I are both the type that in order to give we must receive first. I have tried many times to drop hints that I want him that I want romance, I have tried to started myself, I have tried everything I can think of and I have been honest with what I want from our relationship. I crave attention, I am desperate for it. So so desperate. I try changing my appearance, try to be sexy, send him pictures and nothing seems to change aside from we'll maybe have sex. I ask him to take me on a date and his response is "why don't you take me on a date". I tell him I want to be with a man who is proud to be with me and celebrates me as a woman and desires my body. His response is, "is always about you isn't it?". "you are not going to be happy unless you have all my attention every second of the day". But it's not true, is just that there goes days when we won't even look at each other in the eyes. He is perfectly fine with leaving for work and giving me a kiss and an i love you that to me sounds more like a good bye. We'll have no more interaction until he gets home, and after we'll do nothing but watch TV. This falls on both of us I understand but I have tried suggesting something and we can't do it because he can't stay up. yet when they're a game on he can. I feel he puts in effort on everything else but me. Like everything in his agenda must be tended to and he needs to be rested to have any real interaction with me. He never messages me during the day without me initiating the conversation, and when he does is only for matter relating to the household. He has been busy for several months coming home late and I have suggested having lunch together, never followed up, yet he has had lunches with his former boss and work happy hours. I am not an ugly woman. I am not supermodel hot either but I am pretty and confident and when my self-esteem is up I think I can be sexy. I do get attention from other people, I have never welcome it. I only have eyes for my husband I think he is sexy and handsome but in terms of looks I can say people would say he is the lucky one. I crave a man's touch and man's attention, correction I crave my husband's touch and affection. But this longing has weighed heavily on me, so much so that I have started eating my feelings. I go to the store or class and I a dress up a little bit just to see if there's a man that will at least glance at me to get a little bit of confidence back. During the day I make sure I look my best, the house is cleaned, I have waited for him to get home and had dinner ready. Made sure that I wear matching underwear that my legs are shaved all so maybe we'll be intimate again. When I confessed all of this to him he said I shouldn't do that and I shouldn't let things bother me so much. I had this conversation with him yesterday, we have not slept in the same bed for 3 nights now. He had to work today and is staying longer to watch a game although I've been sick and lonely and he knows it. I don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart, but I'm young and I honestly do not want to waste my prime years waiting for a man to want me, begging my husband for his time, when I know any man out there would feel lucky to give me his. I am not perfect by no means, I have my temper, but when I love I don't give up I fight, I fold, I show I care I connect. My husband just seems to be happy regardless of wether I'm part of his day or not. Is his indifference and complacency that has left me feeling so invisible and alone.

 

I have never talked to anyone about this, I have hope we'll work it out and i don't want to make him seem like a bad person /husband to my friends and family. But there are just weeks and it's so hard to bear, I decided to put this out there see if anyone can relate, in hopes to not feel so alone.

[kazen]

Sorry to hear. They say 3 things that can destroy a marriage are: 1. Lack of money 2. Lack of communication. 3. Lack of sex.

 

I feel you have both 2 and 3. So honestly you have to make him aware of your struggle. If he doesn't change and if he still keeps that complacency, then you will have to separate from him to see how it affects the both of you. Let him win you back. If he doesn't try, then you have your answer.

[Purepony]

Yup I agree with the above poster. It’s only a matter of time before you cheat or divorce

[DKT3]

Sometimes people just have different views of what Marriage is about.

 

Let me ask, what are the circumstances around you two getting married?

[elaine567]

Make sure your contraception is good as the last thing you need now is to bring a baby into this horrible situation.

 

Is it possible his late nights are not late nights and that he has another woman?

 

How old is he?

[dichotomy]

"I go to the store or class and I a dress up a little bit just to see if there's a man that will at least glance at me to get a little bit of confidence back.

 

During the day I make sure I look my best, the house is cleaned, I have waited for him to get home and had dinner ready."

 

 

Here is my suggestion before you consider divorce or actual cheating.

 

Dont always be home for him, house cleaned, and have the table set with dinner. Fine some activities a few nights a week - like maybe cross-fit or martial arts class, or something - and go out and have fun without him. Activities with men and women in them, that make you have fun or work out some tension. Ok - maybe leave some food in the fridge or freezer he can heat up when he gets home.

 

A classic response of a spouse who is starved to get attention (sexual or other wise) is to try harder to please, be romantic, and submit to the non interested spouse, or worse yet beg, plead, harass the other partner into responding they way they used to. It rarely works. Making your self scarce, independent, confident, unknown, new and different, can work (but not always). Also if the other spouse faces loss or risk, or you might be interacting with others of the opposite sex - they may regain interest. Its an adult version of "make him jealous" but in a healthy adult way of growing yourself and making yourself more strong. If you get my meaning. If you divorce or breakup - then guess what ? You still have new activities, friends, and a new you. Not a bad deal. You need to continue your life and growth and experiences - married or not married.

Edited October 22, 2017 by dichotomy