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Coming up on a sexless anniversary


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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:51 AM   #1
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Coming up on a sexless anniversary

Just a few days away from celebrating a year of no sexual contact between us.

Been married 18 years. We used to have a cray sexlife, and now it's nothing. Yes, we've talked about it, I don't think she understands how important it is to me.

I'm falling apart.




Yay, 1st post here.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:59 AM   #2
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Have you told her it's been a whole year? Have you asked to go to MC? Have you tried romancing her?

Sitting around counting the days & seething won't fix this.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:43 AM   #3
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Geeze, makes my 2-3 times a month seem awesome. This is such a difficult subject. I think it's time to not only talk about it, but REALLY TALK about it. We as humans have basic needs. Some people are not very sexual, but I believe most are.
I read so many "reasons" why women lose interest...menopause, kids, lack of help around the house. Why men lose it, affairs, laziness, low libido. You need to get to the bottom of what your reasons are in your relationship.
Depression? Empty Nest? Boredom? Attraction? No spark left?
Some things can be worked on, some not so much.
You could spend more time together. Go slow, touch more, talk more. Get away often. Introduce toys or videos. Use lube (coconut oil is natural is works great).
Help out around the house. Hash out any old BS that is blocking communication.
Ask if your partner may be depressed and could they see a healthcare provider about that?
Ask if the attraction is gone. Can you both get fit together? If it's a body image thing?
A whole year?
NO, just no. If you have tried all you can and you want to remain in a sexless marriage, then you may have to accept that. If you have not exhausted all measures, try some things. Closeness is so important in relationships, in my opinion and that's what separates just being friends. If you want more and this person can not and will not give that to you, you have to consider if it's time to end it.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 10:16 AM   #4
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Hell, it's been over a year and a half for me (and that's because she was drunk). If you don't count that one, then it's been over two years. Now, to be fair, we are both 50 and have two little kids and nowhere to dump them off. However, my wife is also very lazy.

We are actually going to be kid free next weekend - we'll see what happens. Methinks that by some coincidence she'll get her period.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 11:01 AM   #5
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In your situation the wife sent her husband an anniversary card. "One year no sex "

Only then did he do something about it.

Unfortunately, unbeknown to him, she'd been having an affair because he wasn't having sex with her.

The card really hit home.... but a conversation might be a better way to start.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 11:03 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Findausername View Post
Just a few days away from celebrating a year of no sexual contact between us.

Been married 18 years. We used to have a cray sexlife, and now it's nothing. Yes, we've talked about it, I don't think she understands how important it is to me.

I'm falling apart.


Yay, 1st post here.
You have to make her realize how important it is to you. That this is killing your marriage and you may have to end it if things don't change. Go to marriage counseling in order to have a venue where you HAVE to discuss it and have those difficult conversations.

Are you affectionate and loving with her outside of the bedroom? For many women, it's difficult to want to be physically intimate with your spouse when that loving affection in missing in other realms of your relationship. Are there serious underlying issues in your marriage that cause resentment? It's very difficult to want to be intimate with your husband when you feel continually resentful about something he's doing or not doing, that is important to you.

My partner went through a 2+ year period of sexlessness with his ex-wife after she had a prolonged emotional affair. The lack of intimacy killed their marriage just as much as the affair did. By the time she realized what she was risking, he was too far gone and didn't want to be with her anymore. I hope that doesn't happen to you :/

Last edited by Birdies; 3rd October 2017 at 11:06 AM..
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Old 3rd October 2017, 3:20 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by RedBaron2765 View Post
Hell, it's been over a year and a half for me (and that's because she was drunk). If you don't count that one, then it's been over two years. Now, to be fair, we are both 50 and have two little kids and nowhere to dump them off. However, my wife is also very lazy.

We are actually going to be kid free next weekend - we'll see what happens. Methinks that by some coincidence she'll get her period.
Fortunately period sex is often great, just a bit messy
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Old 3rd October 2017, 3:28 PM   #8
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Fortunately period sex is often great, just a bit messy
Or great and not messy if you use the right kind of menstrual cup.

But I have a feeling if a woman has placed such a low priority on sex that ain't happening.

So perplexing why this seems to happen in so many marriages. I don't get it, at all, but I have always been high drive.
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Old 4th October 2017, 9:50 AM   #9
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Thanks for the replies, to answer some of your questions,

Yes, I'm affectionate towards here, I grab but and and other parts often, I kiss her often. I do a lot of the house work, if she cooks, I do dishes, put away left overs, wipe counters, I do laundry including fold and put away. I'm handy, Pinterest projects or broken stuff. I complement her when she dresses nice.

I'm in extremely good shape, we go to the gym together, and she's lost ~20 pounds in the last 4-5 months. She's under 200 for the first time in a long time and we celebrated that. She 5'10" for reference.

I know exactly how long it's been since sex, because as it slowed down I started putting notes on my calendar.

We've had rough times in 18 years been to MC and IC. I'm still seeing a IC partly because of this issue.

I stopped asking for sex about 6 months ago because I was tired of being told later or flat out no.
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Old 4th October 2017, 10:54 AM   #10
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Do you think she could be going through menopause or pre-menopause? (You didn't say how old you all are, but together 18+ years....) That really can kill women's sex drive. There are various hormonal treatments that a lot of women use for a few years during this time.

Just a sidenote, and I may be totally projecting here - but saying you grab her butt isn't really "being affectionate". My ex-husband would do that to me, and he meant it affectionately and sexily. But he wouldn't kiss me for longer than 1-2 seconds, or wrap his arms around me, or rub my shoulders, or any kind of physical affection that felt like it was for ME and not just for his own gratification. That lack of loving affection made me feel really physically disconnected to him and killed my desire to be intimate with him. Again, this is just my experience, but it's something to think about if it sounds familiar to you at all. What kind of touch does SHE want?

PS - Wanna come do some housework for me?! You sound great in that regard
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:04 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Findausername View Post
Thanks for the replies, to answer some of your questions,

Yes, I'm affectionate towards here, I grab but and and other parts often, I kiss her often. I do a lot of the house work, if she cooks, I do dishes, put away left overs, wipe counters, I do laundry including fold and put away. I'm handy, Pinterest projects or broken stuff. I complement her when she dresses nice.
While all of this is great (and hopefully she reciprocates by similarly doing nice things for you), it doesn't necessarily make a woman feel like having sex.

How are things in the romantic department? I don't mean "grabbing butt and other parts"... I mean, do you go out on dates? Do you spend time just talking to each other and laughing together? How is the cuddling and the making out? How is the sex for her when you do have it, does she get pleasure out of it?

Perhaps more importantly, when you talk to her about this (you HAVE talked, right???), what does she say?

Of course, it's entirely possible I'm barking up the wrong tree here - it's really difficult to guess since we have so little information about both of you. But it just perplexes me how "grabbing butt" and "doing dishes/wiping counters" are being offered as "examples of affection". Personally the former is great, but only when I'm already aroused! And the latter, also, is great but not something that would necessarily lead to sex - it's just part and parcel of being a partner in the house that you both live in together.
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:31 AM   #12
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Sorry I was doing a bit of brain dump from my phone in between meetings.

Dates? Yep every couple of weeks. Some times dinner and a movie, mini golf, people Watching.

Our cuddling and making out sucks. Generally only cuddle in bed, and we watch tv from different chairs. I rub shoulders neck often, offered to paint toes prior to beach trip.

I am an introvert, so I have to make an effort to communicate effectively. I haven't reminder her how long it's been yet, but I have told her our lack of intimacy (not just sex) is a problem for me...generally she says, yes me too, and the cuddle/kissing increases for a day or three and then we're right back.
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:33 AM   #13
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I am an introvert, so I have to make an effort to communicate effectively. I haven't reminder her how long it's been yet, but I have told her our lack of intimacy (not just sex) is a problem for me...generally she says, yes me too, and the cuddle/kissing increases for a day or three and then we're right back.
If she says it's a problem for her, could you ask her if she has any suggestions for how both of you can solve that problem together?
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Old 4th October 2017, 1:54 PM   #14
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if it has been that long, ask her if she is getting her needs met elsewhere.

Hope you do have a good conversation about this.

Will she go with you to MC?

Let her know that things are serious.
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Old 4th October 2017, 2:48 PM   #15
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We've discussed before about making time for each other, no electronics after a certain time...has never seemed to lead anywhere.

We're going to have to talk about it again. Anniversary day?

I'm confident she's not stepping out, and I'm sure she's taking care of herself occasionally.
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