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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 1st October 2017, 1:58 AM   #1
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Ultimatums

Hi, it's me again. I posted before with my jealousy issues. I'm happy to say that it's been a year and I've calmed down much on that. It helped my marriage quite a bit and I'm still married. It's definitely not the same though. He tells me how much he loves me but in arguments he tells me how much he doesn't like me.

We hardly argue now but when we do, it's about things here and there. He issues an ultimatum each time. If I don't apologize he will leave. I don't respond well to threats and will sometimes not apologize under those circumstances. He then tells me that I made the decision to divorce because of my refusal to apologize. Tonight we went to the furniture store and I didn't want us to pay for the assembly fee because it was $60 to assemble two office chairs.

In my disbelief he told the sales person to go ahead and charge for it. I was angry but calmly said "why are we paying $60 to assemble two chairs? I can do it myself". He gave me the silent treatment the entire time home and then told me tha I embarrassed him in public and my refusal to apologize shows I don't care about him. Things got heated fast and you know the rest of the story. So my comment and question to you is, I obviously still love him but I don't know if I should tolerate this behavior.

I'm scared to leave because I spent half my life with him and have lots of good memories that are easily triggered by many things. And the thought of him dating puts me in an emotional wreck. But I'm tired of the knot I get in my stomach when he brings up divorce when we argue. if he truly doesn't love me as much should I just go now? I wonder if I dragged this marriage too long.

year after year the same thing and before I knew it, I'm now 36 and not in my 20's when I thought I had all the time in the world to figure this out. Is it better to cut loose now and spare a heartbreak later when I'm older?

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Old 1st October 2017, 3:07 AM   #2
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It seems like he is holding your marriage hostage to get what he wants out of you. It is a form of manipulation. He can get the upper hand in disagreements by threatening to end things with you. He does this because it works. And he isn't a nice guy.

Your input on the chairs seems reasonable to me. I would have agreed with you. If all you did was mention self assembly when you bought them, he has no reason to be angry. Your input is not disrespectful. You have a voice. IMO, the only reason he could have to be angry about that would be if you spoke to him in a disrespectful, condescending, or rude way. If you did not, he is just being a jerk.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:08 AM   #3
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dunno know enough about your background but you said you guys hardly argue

dont you think you are being too emotional to think about leaving, when things are supposedly improving?

i think with efforts things can improve

you should have a deep a discussion with your husband's behaviour and tell him he needs to work for the marriage as well
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:11 AM   #4
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Hey Realgrl,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Realgrl View Post
"why are we paying $60 to assemble two chairs? I can do it myself".
Depending on how you said it, it could have embarrassed him. If you were rude and dismissive I can understand why he felt the way he did. But you had a very valid point!

Forgive me if youíve already answered this somewhere but have you tried telling him that you donít like his ultimatums? If so, what did he say? If you havenít, then you should tell him when youíre both calm before this thing blows up.
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Old 1st October 2017, 3:12 AM   #5
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dunno know enough about your background but you said you guys hardly argue

dont you think you are being too emotional to think about leaving, when things are supposedly improving?

i think with efforts things can improve

you should have a deep a discussion with your husband's behaviour and tell him he needs to work for the marriage as well

in my opinion you are getting checked out of this marriage yourself but have a fear about starting over, if you are really into the marriage i dont think you would think about leaving after arguments which are not often

also have you considered your jealouy issues may have made your husband irritated towards you?
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Old 1st October 2017, 7:36 AM   #6
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It's tough when you are not on the same page about money.

Is a compromise an option? Now that you have free time because the chairs are being assembled by somebody else, can you spend that time together doing something to improve your marriage, like making love? If so it's $60 well spent.
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Old 1st October 2017, 8:02 AM   #7
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I wouldn't be very happy if I had a husband who demanded an apology and threatened divorce if I didn't apologize. That's not a very kind or loving thing to do...
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Old 1st October 2017, 8:17 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
I wouldn't be very happy if I had a husband who demanded an apology and threatened divorce if I didn't apologize. That's not a very kind or loving thing to do...
But he doesn't seem like a nice guy anyway.
Yes the OP has had jealousy and trust issues, but he threatened her with divorce if she even voiced any jealousy and then he proceeded to look up womens' skirts and was doing 180 turns when he saw a hot woman, and he lies a lot and his phone is well guarded too.
Now it seems he wants absolute control...

Me again - Husband said too sore to have sex?
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Old 2nd October 2017, 4:09 PM   #9
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I think you're both codependent

And incompatible.

Fear is not a healthy way to be.

Ask yourself if you REALLY love him...and if his behavior REALLY shows he ADORES you???

You know you are staying from fear and so is he...this is a toxic relationship..having silent treatment and manipulating etc

You are not to old to start again...
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Old 2nd October 2017, 11:06 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Realgrl View Post
Hi, it's me again. I posted before with my jealousy issues. I'm happy to say that it's been a year and I've calmed down much on that. It helped my marriage quite a bit and I'm still married. It's definitely not the same though. He tells me how much he loves me but in arguments he tells me how much he doesn't like me.

We hardly argue now but when we do, it's about things here and there. He issues an ultimatum each time. If I don't apologize he will leave. I don't respond well to threats and will sometimes not apologize under those circumstances. He then tells me that I made the decision to divorce because of my refusal to apologize. Tonight we went to the furniture store and I didn't want us to pay for the assembly fee because it was $60 to assemble two office chairs.

In my disbelief he told the sales person to go ahead and charge for it. I was angry but calmly said "why are we paying $60 to assemble two chairs? I can do it myself". He gave me the silent treatment the entire time home and then told me tha I embarrassed him in public and my refusal to apologize shows I don't care about him. Things got heated fast and you know the rest of the story. So my comment and question to you is, I obviously still love him but I don't know if I should tolerate this behavior.

I'm scared to leave because I spent half my life with him and have lots of good memories that are easily triggered by many things. And the thought of him dating puts me in an emotional wreck. But I'm tired of the knot I get in my stomach when he brings up divorce when we argue. if he truly doesn't love me as much should I just go now? I wonder if I dragged this marriage too long.

year after year the same thing and before I knew it, I'm now 36 and not in my 20's when I thought I had all the time in the world to figure this out. Is it better to cut loose now and spare a heartbreak later when I'm older?
Just really hard to come up with anything other then, he doesn't care two cents for you. He would never threaten divorce if he did. He is petty and childish and a fool rolled up in to one.

Up to you with what to do. It would be hard to stay in an unhappy relationship if it were not for kids. I stay in one for my kids. My wife is at least trying to fix her part now. Hope you come to a decision that makes you happy in the long run.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:17 AM   #11
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You should leave now. He does not respect you.


You are still young and you are not alone.


Good luck.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 9:25 AM   #12
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I know I would not be happy in this type of a relationship or marriage.
I would not stay if things didn't improve quickly.
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Old 3rd October 2017, 10:42 AM   #13
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The whole ultimatum thing is ridiculous ... however I think he was embarrassed that you (a woman) was happy to assemble the chairs and he was going for the paid assembly option.

His ego has taken a hit.

I couldn't deal with the demands to apologise or threats.
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Old 8th October 2017, 5:49 AM   #14
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My husband would threaten to leave if during an argument he did not feel like he was getting his own way. The third time he threatened to leave, I told him "Say it again, and I will help you pack!" I wasn't kidding. Those words have not left his mouth again in over 15 years. Threatening to leave, or divorce, your partner is emotional manipulation, and abusive. There is nothing helpful or healthy about it.

I also don't apologize just to appease him, and never will. It would be meaningless, dishonest and pointless. When I apologize it is sincere, and the only apology worth getting or giving IMO. I also don't accept fake apologies, because I find them to be insulting. Like when someone says "I am sorry you are upset" when they did what it was that upset me. The honest apology would be "I am sorry that I upset you when I (what they did)." By taking ownership of one's actions hurting another, it acknowledges the mistake that was made. Why would you apologize if you had done nothing wrong? To make him feel better? How does it leave you feeling?

OP, I would suggest therapy. If he won't go, then go for yourself. You need to figure out what it is inside of you that accepts his manipulating and controlling behavior.

Good luck!
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Old 8th October 2017, 9:46 AM   #15
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Hi Realgrl, sorry you find yourself posting here again. My suggestion would be to just leave. What you are describing is just too stifling and humiliating to tolerate or to accept. I think you are just scared of the unknown and that is why you are not able to break free of your so called husband. Take a bite of courage, get your ducks in a row and ambush him by moving out and having him served. That will give him a big dose of reality and maybe get him down to mother Earth. You in the mean time can find yourself a more compatible partner. Warm wishes
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