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Frustrated!!!!


Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:39 PM   #1
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Frustrated!!!!

When I met my wife there was a LOT of passion in our relationship. It stayed that way up until about 6 months before we married. At that time she felt that it was best for both of us if we saved that part of our relationship until after we married. Partly because of her religious beliefs, partly because she felt it would make it "better" in marriage. I agreed, but wasn't thrilled with the idea.

Unfortunately, things barely changed after marriage. She has said that she is dealing with menopausal problems and sex is very painful and not easy for her. Secondly, she just has sunk herself into her business and faith.

Where she once used to come at me any time day or night.... it is up to me to push her into a situation and only at bedtime where she will "happily" please me, but doesn't really want sex because she says it is painful.

I know her very well and I know she really does love me deeply, but she has always had health issues and let's them control her life at times. I love her as well and feel that in every other way we are really good together. I just get VERY frustrated with my life without sex!!!!

I don't want to cheat on her... I never cheated on my 1st wife of 17 yrs. But I am really finding myself wondering how to live with every aspect of love but sex!
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Old 24th September 2017, 2:16 AM   #2
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Well painful sex is a real symptom of menopause for lots of women. Not every woman suffers pain from intercourse but plenty do.

Not sure why you included the bit about your wife letting her health issues control her life. Are you saying that she should just suck it up and have sex with you when you want it in spite of the pain it causes her. Nobody wants to have painful sex. Nobody looks forward to pain. If sex was painful for me I wouldn't want to do it either and God help the person who would dare say I'm letting my health issues control my life.

If your wife is experiencing pain during intercourse then she needs to discuss this with her doctor to see if there is anything that can be done to improve the situation. If nothing can be done then you and your wife need an open discussion about how you can satisfy each other's sexual desires without actual intercourse. Get creative. Have lots of caressing and oral sex or maybe try some really gentle intercourse without hard thrusting and without fully entering her and then finish up with oral sex or a hand job.

You should not make your wife feel guilty or treat her with resentment. Obviously she isn't choosing to feel pain during intercourse and it's not her fault that she went into menopause and had the misfortune of sex becoming painful for her. By the same token your wife should not expect you to be in a totally sexless marriage. You two have to discuss this and find a solution. First step should be a trip to her doctor.
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Old 24th September 2017, 8:06 PM   #3
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anika99- Thank you for your thoughtful reply

I understand the pain... and I do not expect her to "suck it up". I have tried to get her to go back to the Dr and she will mention needing to periodically. But she just doesn't do it. She gets caught up with her business or says she doesn't feel good enough to go to the Dr. I completely empathize with her.

Just not sure what to do personally. We have been married for 2 yrs and have had sex 5 times. Before we married, that's about how often we would have in a week. So you see my frustration. I do use other tactics to get around the pain, but even then... it is more a lack of desire on her part to do anything it seems.

I love her and we are good together... but there is a big hole that is missing and it is important to me.

Just at a loss... guess I just have to "suck it up".

Thank you for your advise.
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Old 25th September 2017, 7:49 AM   #4
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Wow...bait and switch. IMHO, Your situation will just get worse.
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Old 25th September 2017, 8:32 AM   #5
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Menopause plays havoc with a woman's body and mind. We humans are essentially chemical engines. If the chemical balance is off, we don't fire up and run. Your wife has experienced a major hormonal shift. Her body doesn't want sex and when sex happens, it's painful. Both of these problems are due to lack of hormones in her system. Her vaginal walls are literally atrophying due to lack of estrogen. She can try HRT, if she isn't concerned about the cancer risk, or other treatments and they may help, but she has to want to try.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:10 AM   #6
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She's not attracted to you physically at this time. She probably loves you but emotional love isn't sexual. Plenty woman still have sex even after menopause and even when it's painful but the desire and passion needs to be there. You need to up your game physically. Get in shape, take baths, smell good, tan, and do all the things that attract a woman to want to be physical. Why do men not get this? It's like they let themselves go after so many years of marriage and then they wonder why the wife doesn't want sex.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:30 AM   #7
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Hi jet, Anika has got it right as far as HRT is concerned. She is also right as far as your wife wanting to undergo the treatment. Alternatively, a lot of foreplay and use of lubricants may help ease her pain. There are vaginal HRT creams which restore the elasticity of the vaginal wall and aid in natural lubrication. However the effect of these creams last only for the duration of regular use of them and once the woman stops using the cream the beneficial effect wears off after a few days. Please remember that this must be resorted to under supervision and direction of a gynaecologist.

I wanted to ask you whether your previous marriage failed due to infidelity on the part of your ex wife? How was your sex life with her? How old are you now and if sex was the elephant in the room why did you finally decide to marry your current wife? I guess sometimes people consciously put themselves into certain situations and then wonder why there are certain repercussions. Whatever way you decide to resolve this situation, I wish you the very best.
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:36 AM   #8
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Have an honest conversation with your wife. Insist that she see a doctor. Don't just accept what is essentially a sexless marriage. Sex is an important part of bonding in marriage. Menopause does create difficulties, but in most cases solutions can be found. How long were you together before marriage?
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Old 28th September 2017, 6:47 PM   #9
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I see a couple of things here...
5 Times in 2 years..WTH? The first few years are generally the most sex. You mention her religion. Do you think after she married she figured, I no longer have to please him so much, marriage isn't about that. Although some religious people take the opposite stand stating that's what "God" wants.

Lubrication, & foreplay help most women through menopause. Not all, but a majority. I like coconut oil. Completely natural, no hormones.

Are you attentive? Do you help around the house? Are you making yourself eye pleasing as much as you'd like her to? EX: Trying to stay somewhat fit, clean, etc? Did something happen sexually that turned her off? Does she have issues with intimacy or past abuse? If you don't know, you may want to gently bring up those topics.

Has she met someone else ? Did you two rush into marriage? Lots of questions, sorry, but things to consider.

For women, sex starts in the brain. Are you kind to her? Do you care about her interests and do you spend time with her or is that time only when you want sex?

She is avoiding sex with you. Pain can be a huge factor, but can be worked through, especially if the person wants, desires and loves the other.

Time for a deep discussion and asking her for brutal honesty (SO Hard to do, I should know), but you may also tell her that your needs are not being met and you'd like to work it out. Ask how you can help. Watch some porn, buy sexy outfits for her. Get some coconut oil. Go slow with the physical (lots of touching) Teasing during the day and LOTS of conversation about why things are like this and what can get better if anything. If nothing changes, then you'll have to decide if this is a marriage that is enough for you.
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Old 10th November 2017, 1:26 PM   #10
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@AHurtGirl - Not knowing us directly, I can see how you can conclude that there is a lack of physical attraction or that I in general am not attractive enough. However, my experience with women through my work and regular travel doesn't support your theory. I do take care of myself. It is simply my wife's lack of interest.
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Old 10th November 2017, 1:33 PM   #11
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Disregard hurtgirls comments... Seriously.

But giving up sex BEFORE marriage is - weird, and to me shows that it's a low priority to her.

Sex 5 times in two years?!?! Definitely a low priority, or perhaps not one at all.

Sure she must know that you have needs.

Do you to have oral sex? There are many enjoyable things that can be shared besides penis in vagina sex.

The faith part - does she have moral issues around sex now? Most faiths don't exactly encroach a healthy sex life, but rather wrap female pleasure up with guilt.

I think you need to tell her your are seriously suffering and need her cooperation in attempting to rekindle intimacy in your marriage.
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Old 10th November 2017, 1:41 PM   #12
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@Just A Guy - I will try to respond to your questions posted below

I wanted to ask you whether your previous marriage failed due to infidelity on the part of your ex wife?

Yes, but it was more than that. She was diagnosed as bi-polar and had a 180 degree shift in her "moral compass" and who she was. She had a severe mid-life crisis and left me, left our children, her family and her friends to start a new life. She went from wonderful mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend to the most extreme party girl, club hoping, group sex, bi-sexual. A complete opposite of everything she was and stood for from birth to age 45.

How was your sex life with her? It was always very good.


How old are you now and if sex was the elephant in the room why did you finally decide to marry your current wife?

Because I believed that after we married and she got over her religious objection, the great sex would begin again. She is a beautiful, amazing lady, very loving and supportive. Everything I want in a life... but all of the sudden no sex. It's like having the most amazing dessert in the world in the palm of your hand, but you are not allowed to eat it.

Thank you for you input and questions. I am just trying to sort out live with a really great lady that now turns out to be a celibate nun. Which leaves me frustrated with one part of our life. The rest is all good.
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Old 10th November 2017, 2:44 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by l39jet View Post
@Just A Guy - I will try to respond to your questions posted below

I wanted to ask you whether your previous marriage failed due to infidelity on the part of your ex wife?

Yes, but it was more than that. She was diagnosed as bi-polar and had a 180 degree shift in her "moral compass" and who she was. She had a severe mid-life crisis and left me, left our children, her family and her friends to start a new life. She went from wonderful mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend to the most extreme party girl, club hoping, group sex, bi-sexual. A complete opposite of everything she was and stood for from birth to age 45.

How was your sex life with her? It was always very good.


How old are you now and if sex was the elephant in the room why did you finally decide to marry your current wife?

Because I believed that after we married and she got over her religious objection, the great sex would begin again. She is a beautiful, amazing lady, very loving and supportive. Everything I want in a life... but all of the sudden no sex. It's like having the most amazing dessert in the world in the palm of your hand, but you are not allowed to eat it.

Thank you for you input and questions. I am just trying to sort out live with a really great lady that now turns out to be a celibate nun. Which leaves me frustrated with one part of our life. The rest is all good.
---Then that is not a complete marriage. I get that you are frustrated with that one part of your life. Its a huge part. Either she has unresolved sexual issues that has NOT been shared in her past, or she has you wrapped up as a security for her marriage. You are essentially her dad. You take care of her, you feed her. And supply all the other things needed for her to thrive and have a career. If she could cut off her vagina, she probably would. Sex is not something that should be a chore for the rest of your life. Good grief. And as for the menopause, I know no one who wouldn't go to the doctor and seek relief. The females in my life (mother and others) that had to suffer through that were supported by their men, but also got help.
I'm thinking there is more that is not being told. And someone mentioned handies as a means of relief...Please! What a pathetic attempt to build intimacy. You get handies from a masseuse, not your life partner. lol
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Old 10th November 2017, 2:56 PM   #14
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painful sex is normal during menopause. The skin thins due to the lack of estrogen produced. There is a hormone cream to thicken the skin....pain goes away.

Menopause make you feel like %^&* 24-7. Depression, lack of energy, painful electro shock through the limbs, itchy skin, fatigue, irritability, burning mouth, dizzy spells, aches and pains, hot flashes, lack of sleep, weight gain, lack of libido,....I can go on and on. For some women it's so bad they want to kill themselves.

She needs to seek out a doctor...a good on that will provide her with some hormone replacement or natural remedies to try. Some women can get by with a change in diet and exercise, some may need medication. It's helps to get help.
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Old 16th November 2017, 9:25 AM   #15
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Any new news on your situation ? I feel bad for you. I feel bad for your wife. She can't be satisfied. There is a big void that isn't likely going to close. But, many of us, including myself, feel that 90% of the marriage is wonderful and lack the physical and stay anyway.
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