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Marriage & Life Partnerships Debunking the old-ball-and-chain stereotype one couple at a time.

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Old 15th September 2017, 11:06 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
What she told you 2 years ago still stands.
Nothing has changed here, as nothing will change the reality of your affair in her eyes.
YOU were in a long marriage with a grown up kid and you essentially ruined it all, as far as she is concerned.
...
Thank you. Your whole reply - not just the part quoted above - is absolutely what is happening. Nothing has changed and probably little else will. She has said it herself... she will never trust me again... I have ruined it all and nothing I can do now will change that. I will have to accept this way of living or move on. She has openly said she wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for concerns of upsetting other family members. So I will have to accept and shut up, or agree to separating
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Old 15th September 2017, 11:09 AM   #17
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Thank you. Your whole reply - not just the part quoted above - is absolutely what is happening. Nothing has changed and probably little else will. She has said it herself... she will never trust me again... I have ruined it all and nothing I can do now will change that. I will have to accept this way of living or move on. She has openly said she wouldn't still be here if it wasn't for concerns of upsetting other family members. So I will have to accept and shut up, or agree to separating
Like someone else said, you have ONE life to live. If this is how you want to spend it, feel free, but I sure wouldn't. You screwed up. You know that. It doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be in this prison .
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Old 15th September 2017, 11:22 AM   #18
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Because he loves her, wants the marriage to work, doesn't want a divorce and because he feels responsible.
Exactly!


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She wasn't I presume like this before his affair, so he feels it is all HIS fault and he must pay the penalty...
Not quite... I do feel it is my responsibility, but FYI she did have these tendencies previously but (in her words) had suppressed many of them. As I wrote back in 2015...

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She has always had what I feel is a firey temper and will shout and slam doors at what I see is the slightest incident. She sees it as normal for a determined person of high values. She has always claimed she is unattractive, which I disagree with totally, and before the A was angry if other women were 'showing off' in any way. She has said that the A has exacerbated those feelings.

However, the A happened due to a deteriorating relationship over many years, no sex for a year and was made worse by her wishing that my plane had crashed on a business trip I went on just prior to the A and that she wanted to leave me later that year.

But, of course, I should have discussed these matters with her, rather than going behind her back.

Many of the limitations are due to her 'high moral standards' and having no desire to mix with people of a slutty or sexist nature, but she had suppressed her feelings until her illness and the A. Since then, she's said that her life has been shortened and I have f***** things up, so she wants to live it her way from now on.

Last edited by Dave1963; 15th September 2017 at 11:26 AM.. Reason: clarity / typo
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Old 15th September 2017, 11:47 AM   #19
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I am not a great fan of reconciliation anyway, but no-one can live in an abusive situation long term, I understand where she is coming from but YOU cannot live like this any longer.
Not only is it bad for your mental health it is bad for your physical health too.
I am guessing you are approx 54yo from your profile name, so you need to be extra careful here as regards your health.

You can't solve this. Sounds like you gave it your best shot.
Please see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Protect your assets. If she was going to leave you prior to this blowing up, she may be stashing away money now, so keep your eyes open.

YOU need to look after No.1.
Life is too short for all this nonsense.
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Old 15th September 2017, 12:21 PM   #20
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It is one thing to give her free access to your phone, internet etc where she can see you are not cheating when she feels insecure. It is another thing to have her control every aspect of your life & basically give you the freedom of a 3 year old. It is time to step out of the guilt & just be an adult. If she cannot accept that then it is time to move on. It does not sound like either of you are happy & no one deserves this for the rest of their life.
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Old 15th September 2017, 3:30 PM   #21
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It really does not matter...

It really does not matter... if you want your marriage to work or not.

If you are a grown man you do not take this kind of treatment, period.

Your choices as continue to be a miserable wus or divorce her...
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Old 15th September 2017, 6:07 PM   #22
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This is abusive, plain and simple and just like nothing justifies an affair, nothing justifies abuse. Please seek help for yourself. She fears your contact with the outside world as she fears losing control over you. Consider going to stay with a family member and/or calling an abuse hotline and talking to a counselor. You are not going to fix her, but you have to save yourself. No human being should live this way.

Wish you the best!
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Old 16th September 2017, 6:07 PM   #23
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It's time to leave. Take the financial hit and be done, before this abuse reduces to a shadow of your former self and you become easy prey for another abusive relationship.
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Old 18th September 2017, 5:37 AM   #24
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Thanks for all your replies - most helpful
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Old 19th September 2017, 9:30 AM   #25
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Hi Dave, JUST LEAVE! What you wrote left me feeling sick. Affair or no affair you do NOT have to live out your life in a concentration camp. Just leave or let your wife kick you out. Either way you will be much better off. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 19th September 2017 at 9:34 AM..
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Old 19th September 2017, 3:31 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Dave1963 View Post
This is a follow on to the thread I created in 2015
see : Are these limitations reasonable, 2 years after affair?

I am so miserable and time is ticking on... we are getting older... since my previous postings, there have been discussions virtually every day. Lots of anger from my OH, almost on a daily basis, and what seems like more and more restrictions as to what I can / cannot do.

She believes I have Asperger disease, which accounts for my lack of empathy. She has been trying to 'train' me out of those behaviours, but it seems it's difficult to teach an old dog new tricks! I feel I have been trying so hard to change my behaviour and be more aware, empathetic and expressive, but it seems it is hard to do everything 100% correctly all the time.

In the meantime, I feel I am severely restricted by what she thinks is reasonable for me to do. Hence I would appreciate other's views as to whether these restrictions are reasonable, given my affair 4.5 years ago. The sort of things I am referring to mostly centre around me not being in a position to see other females, as they are invariable 'show-off sluts flaunting their sexuality. By other females, this includes people in real life, pictures on the Internet, including (believe it or not), cartoon images of females in those pop-up 'can I help you' web assistants.

So, limitations such as:-

- Avoiding browsing / buying anything on the Internet, unless she is present (and preferable in control of the mouse)... with the exception of critical business searches if she is out (but then I have to keep links to the sites, so she can check them out later). e.g. She is not happy with me going to (say) Amazon, because on the front page there may be pictures of slutty singers, film stars or women promoting clothes.
- Not going to shops or towns. She has categorically stated that there is no way she would let me go to a supermarket, DIY or department store again.
- Avoiding having any 'sexist' material in the house. This means that on the odd occasion when she buys me a Golf magazine (as I am not allowed to go to the newsagent), she will 'edit' it and tear out pages with women on it where you can see some thigh or the shape of a breast under a top.
- Letting her listen to any business voice messages we receive, in case there is a 'female' voice on the message. (and, I just remembered a few weeks ago she told me not to listen to a message or "I'll wring your f**king neck")!
- Not letting me look at the wedding photos of my daughter's wedding as there were so many "ghastly females showing off" (which there're weren't in my opinion). Hence, I have been asked to say what photos I may like to have and she will edit some for us to keep.
- Not doing to an old (male) friends house, because he is not the tidiest person and his lounge will be covered with unopened post which may contain pictures of "show-off" females and he will have 'boxed-sets of DVDs' which will have images of semi-clad females on it.

If I counter any of those preferences, I am met with one or more of the following counter arguments:-

- It is not my fault... it is the result of how you betrayed our trust and how porn-ified society has become, that I have only woken up to after the A.
- You are busy and have work to do, so it's better that I do the search/buying/fact-finding and then just get your agreement when I have short-listed valid products / suppliers.
- Supermarkets are grotty and full of show-off chavs, so it is better that I go there than you.
- Restaurants/pubs are poor value and serve low-welfare food, so we are better off eating at home (which I do agree with - we are both good cooks - but it is the restriction of never going to one again that is the issue, rather than particularly wanting to do so).

Recent low-points have included:-

- receiving a product bought online, and on opening it together, there was a 'guarantee/help' leaflet that had a picture of a smiling woman's face, wearing a call-centre headset. The woman was the stereotypical smiling blond (i.e. a stock photo and not how a real call-centre agent would look like). Now, at the point, I muttered something like 'more-sexist-rubbish', but because I apparently said it in a neutral way, without meaning, it resulted in her ripping it up in minute pieces, shouting at me and spitting in my face.

- wanting to go to a golf driving range on my own whilst she attended an exercise class nearby (i.e. going in one car). But that was met with non-acceptance on 2 grounds; a) that she wanted us to do fun things together and not separately any more, after what we have been through and b) she wouldn't be able to concentrate on her exercise class not knowing whether there may be some other female "showing off" on the driving range near me, and that she couldn't trust me to tell her afterwards what I saw. She was so upset at the thought of me doing something independently, that I backed down.

So, what to do? She says she will never be able to trust me again. Then adds that anyone is stupid to trust anyone anyway. She says that after the affair she wants us to do everything together (although she attends classes, yoga, sees friends and goes shopping on her own).

And she won't accept counselling as counsellors a) won't be able to understand the complexity of it all and b) they may not be totally confidential.

Any advises gratefully received!
Honest opinion from a bs whose h was in a 2 year affair

OMFG your wife is a whole new level of crazy .
You are a dog, she has the leash and when she says sit you wag your tail and sit

We are approaching 6 years in reconciliation. And I have bad days but have never stopped my h

-watching porn I enjoy it too
-I don't much care about semi clad or naked woman infact i do show him those pics when we are joking about something or just gossiping
-He is on various group chats on social media app with his childhood buddy and some of what they send each other is crazy .

He can meet women work related and when networking ...for heaven sake thier is business to be done with both sexes you cannot stop that from happening .
Plus there are a lot of good looking woman and men around .you are going to look .that's not a crime ...i do too

Does she know the world consist of men and women you are going to come in a lot of contact with both through out your life.

The bottom line as long as you are not having an affair..and is transparent about things it's good .

Your marriage is not .This Is the opp of working out the marriage .is she aware she cannot hold the affair over your head for ever .

She is wrong. It's time to talk to her or leave .some marriages work out some don't. And that's fine too .

Can't spend the rest of your life with every action of yours being controlled ....just thinking about it she herself must be tired and exhausted .

Your whole relationship is now abuse.
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Old 4th October 2017, 11:08 AM   #27
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to put things into context...

To put things into context... this is the sort of thing that causes rows. The other day, we needed to buy a computer component. As usual, she insisted that she sat in on the web browsing. And then she threw a wobbly when we scrolled down this page...

https://www.ebuyer.com/695890-samsun...sd-mz-75e250bw

I trust you all spotted the (and I quote)... "stereotypical sexist sh.t that these manufacturers use to promote their products... because it is males that buy such items and why the manufactures put images of female flesh in their promotional material so the male customers can enjoy and w@nk over... and those images are exactly the reason why 'we're' going to avoid these modern apps where people can't just enjoy music without having some image thrust in front of them".

If you didn't, it's part of the the image about a third of the way down the page, underneath the section about 'Capacities range up to 4 TB'.

I'm all for not objectifying females or using their images inappropriately, but is it normal for images like that to trigger marital rows and to be the reason she isn't comfortable with me looking at the web on my own?
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:43 AM   #28
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I can't even fathom living like this. She has total CONTROL of you. People make mistakes. She obviously will NEVER let it go. This is unhealthy and abusive. I don't think you killed anyone. Maybe her heart and ego but Good Lord. I don't know anyone who could live this way. Is she that fabulous that you would want to?
Is your guilt that deep that you are o.k. with this life? I don't think so. That's why you came here. Heal yourself, forgive yourself. Forgive her for being a psycho, but get the hell out. Unfortunately, I don't see this changing. Even if her dictatorship were to lessen, she clearly won't ever get over the affair.

It seems you have given it your all to try because you say you love her..dig deep..is that out of guilt or because she is truly a gem whom you do not want to lose?
It's hard ending things, I am there, it hurts, it sucks, but there is no way in hell I would ever live as you have been FORCED to live, mistakes or not.

IF you feel you truly want to stay in this relationship, I think it's time to tell her that you messed up, you are sorry but won't continue to live as a dictatorship in a marriage and if she can't trust you again and stop the abuse, then things need to end for good.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:53 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Dave1963 View Post
To put things into context... this is the sort of thing that causes rows. The other day, we needed to buy a computer component. As usual, she insisted that she sat in on the web browsing. And then she threw a wobbly when we scrolled down this page...

https://www.ebuyer.com/695890-samsun...sd-mz-75e250bw

I trust you all spotted the (and I quote)... "stereotypical sexist sh.t that these manufacturers use to promote their products... because it is males that buy such items and why the manufactures put images of female flesh in their promotional material so the male customers can enjoy and w@nk over... and those images are exactly the reason why 'we're' going to avoid these modern apps where people can't just enjoy music without having some image thrust in front of them".

If you didn't, it's part of the the image about a third of the way down the page, underneath the section about 'Capacities range up to 4 TB'.

I'm all for not objectifying females or using their images inappropriately, but is it normal for images like that to trigger marital rows and to be the reason she isn't comfortable with me looking at the web on my own?
The girl with the camisole/vest top on playing the piano?
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:28 AM   #30
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I'm all for not objectifying females or using their images inappropriately, but is it normal for images like that to trigger marital rows and to be the reason she isn't comfortable with me looking at the web on my own?
No. That is so far outside of normal that I think your wife has had some sort of mental break. This is crazy. You have plenty of formerly betrayed spouses telling you that this is abusive behavior. It is controlling emotional and verbal abuse to the extreme. Abuse doesn't just happen to women.
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