WCSU1987 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Hi, so I am against the idea. My wife brought this up after an appointment with her gynecologist. So I have an inkling of an idea it's in regards to family planning. My wife comes and goes wanting children. I am not against having children I just want to be realistic on having children. We just recently turned 30 and both of us are starting to make headway on our own life goals. Wife has been an LPN for almost a year and finishing prerequisites to apply to a 1 year nursing program. My self waitlisted from a nursing program, but in the process of applying to a few jobs that can make a career for me. So within the next 12 to 24 month's both the wife and I will hopefully have set careers and steady incomes. In addition to, my wife has started to pay off her student loans from a previous degree and starting to assist in monthly joint bills (Rent/Groceries). I am in the process of paying off my debt and was able to consolidate my loans so that'll they will be paid off in 2 year's. We are still living at the MIL and feel by next Summer should be able to live on our own. 12 to 24 month's down the road I feel we will be in a better position to start family planning. For right now I feel my wife needs to be patient. My viewpoints wouldn't change if we had a therapist or not. Do you think my viewpoints are justified? I am not sure why or how I can bring my wife to understand this. Also the new issue is the gynecologist prescribed my wife the "mini-pill". My wife feels I no longer need to use condoms during intercourse. Reading reviews and information about the pill online it isn't 100% guaranteed. So that's another issue going on. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 (edited) The time to see a therapist was yesterday. Or actually, many months ago, like before you got married. She probably told her doctor she's depressed, and yes, that she wants kids NOW. If she finds out that you believe she's trying to trap you with a pregnancy, **** is going to hit the fan. I've read your every post, and every reply. You might want to print those out and take them with you. This is your chance to have your side heard by a third, neutral party. Don't blow it. If it leads to divorce, at least you haven't wasted years of your life. You were on here questioning whether you should marry her; finances and children are two things you need to agree on before deciding to marry, so my answer would have been 'no'. What did everyone else here say, just a short year ago? I guarantee that if you don't go, your life is about to become a living hell. Good luck. Edited September 9, 2017 by MidwestUSA 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Yes, you need to see a therapist because you need to have this discussion. You are not wrong for thinking that you will be in a better position to have a child, certainly financially, if you wait. However, you must understand that many women who are 30 don't feel like they have a lot of time to wait... Pregnancies are considered high risk after 35 and you risk not having a child if you wait too long. In other words, you both have a good point and you need to be talking about this issue and making decisions you can both be excited about. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 I think your viewpoints are valid but it still wouldn't hurt to see a counsellor just to help you and your wife express your thoughts and feelings regarding this matter and maybe reach a reasonable compromise. You are against therapy but when someone in the marriage is suggesting therapy it means the marriage is in trouble or at risk and when one partner rejects therapy they are essentially saying "I'm right and you're wrong and there is nothing to talk about. That's the end of it." Does that sound like a healthy approach to a marital issue? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pheonixrisen Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Hi, so I am against the idea. My wife brought this up after an appointment with her gynecologist. So I have an inkling of an idea it's in regards to family planning. My wife comes and goes wanting children. I am not against having children I just want to be realistic on having children. We just recently turned 30 and both of us are starting to make headway on our own life goals. Wife has been an LPN for almost a year and finishing prerequisites to apply to a 1 year nursing program. My self waitlisted from a nursing program, but in the process of applying to a few jobs that can make a career for me. So within the next 12 to 24 month's both the wife and I will hopefully have set careers and steady incomes. In addition to, my wife has started to pay off her student loans from a previous degree and starting to assist in monthly joint bills (Rent/Groceries). I am in the process of paying off my debt and was able to consolidate my loans so that'll they will be paid off in 2 year's. We are still living at the MIL and feel by next Summer should be able to live on our own. 12 to 24 month's down the road I feel we will be in a better position to start family planning. For right now I feel my wife needs to be patient. My viewpoints wouldn't change if we had a therapist or not. Do you think my viewpoints are justified? I am not sure why or how I can bring my wife to understand this. Also the new issue is the gynecologist prescribed my wife the "mini-pill". My wife feels I no longer need to use condoms during intercourse. Reading reviews and information about the pill online it isn't 100% guaranteed. So that's another issue going on. I am quite pro what you said .you need to settle before the kids come at the very least round of your loans before taking additional responsibility It has happened that woman sometime decide to become stay at home after a child is born and after that the financial responsibility may be on you alone .you will be working and just paying off loans /home/ groceries/ extra expenses . I personally feel that should not fall on one shoulder alone it's no way to live if you will be going from work to grave . Discuss with her and lay your points if you don't believe additional responsibility can be handled right now it's no crime to wait .2 years is not that long . Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted September 9, 2017 Share Posted September 9, 2017 Hi, so I am against the idea. My wife brought this up after an appointment with her gynecologist. So I have an inkling of an idea it's in regards to family planning. You don't actually KNOW what this is about? You just have an inkling of an idea? Isn't it about time you spoke to your wife about WHY she wants you to go see a therapist? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 You should/must ask her what she expects to discuss in a joint therapy session. A rule I have always tried to follow and which I have expressed to employees is Don't Go Into Any Important Meeting Without Knowing The Agenda In Advance. She has obviously been thinking about it. She may have already had an advance meeting with the therapist she has chosen. You are flying blind, and forming a picture of what the topic will be. You may be right, but you may be wrong. You are entitled to ask her what she wants to discuss with the therapist. If she refuses to answer or provides an answer that it's marital issues (or other v vague answer) you may want to get tough and tell her you will not be ambushed and therefore will not attend unless you are provided with her agenda. You'll soon learn how serious she thinks problems are. Nobody pays big money to see a therapist unless there are perceived problems requiring a therapist's intervention. It may be the baby issue, and my comments thereby made moot. But forewarned is forearmed as the old saying goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Reading your other threads, I'd say it's wise to not try for a baby right now, mostly because it sounds like you two shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. It sounds like you two have had some compatibility, communication, and life goal differences for quite a while. Counseling might help this, but man, based on the other threads, you two might be trying to force something that is just not right. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 Also, you two should probably sit down with a financial adviser. I've been historically not great with money, but even I found my head spinning reading some of your other threads. You guys are living with her MIL, yet you carry a $330/month car payment? One that calls for $200 worth of gas a month? And $150 in insurance. That is an astronomical amount to be paying for a car when you aren't living on your own or even established in a decent-paying career. It doesn't sound like your wife has a much better handle on her financial situation, despite making decent money now. TL;DR See a financial adviser, if you haven't. If things maintain, you two will never be in a position to afford having a kid regardless of your careers, because your priorities are skewed toward a higher-end lifestyle. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
QuietDan Posted September 10, 2017 Share Posted September 10, 2017 There may be numerous other issues that need to be discussed in a safe, professionally controlled, environment. It is often a good place to discuss uncomfortable, emotional, stressful topics. Learn and improve critical relationship skills such as listening, talking, goals, values, boundaries, and expectations. Given some of the other posts and comments, it sounds like it is probably a good idea for you two. Link to post Share on other sites
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