My husband and road rage

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hi all!

 

I'm looking for some advice on how to help manage my husband's road rage. He doesn't seem to think it's an issue and blames everyone else for being "***** drivers".

 

On Sunday we went on a drive through the hills to have lunch at a favourite spot. We were stuck behind an elderly couple who were driving slow. There weren't many opportunities to overtake, given the roads are pretty windy, so H was getting irritated.

 

I asked H to just relax, there's no rush. He started ranting and saying "WTF is this old c*#t doing on the road if he can't effing drive" and stuff like that.

 

We have twin one-year-old boys who, whilst unable to understand what daddy is carrying on about, will one day see this kind of behaviour and think it is acceptable.

 

I could cite many examples of where H has gone over the top with his road rage. Yesterday he tailgated, flashed and honked at the old people who refused to pull into the intermittently placed "slow vehicle" lanes.

 

They eventually turned off, thankfully, but not before H had gotten himself into a huff. Coming back home, someone cut H off trying to merge onto the highway when thry clearly could have slipped in behind.

 

I know that there's bigger marital issues out there than this, but it's frustrating nonetheless that H is otherwise a pretty calm and measured guy who doesn't lash out at people - it's just when he gets behind the wheel he turns a bit nutty.

 

Honestly, I don't really enjoy driving with him any more. There's undoubtedly a lot of bad/slow drivers where we live, especially those who hog the fast lane on the freeway, but it's almost as if it's a self-fulfilling prochecy for H.

 

There's always someone out there who's responsible for his anger; it's never because he just needs to learn patience and a little self-control. Any time I broach the topic I get told the same thing; "They need to learn how to ****ing drive!"

[standtall]

From a former road rager here in the states, this is an anger management issue.

Now, I'm gonna guess that like me, your husband has his fair share of speeding tickets...speeders and road rage more often than not go hand in hand with impatience with other drivers.

 

Here is what helped me. I changed the way I viewed other drivers.

 

A few years back I received a ticket, and at the time in lieu of paying the fine and getting the ticket on my record, the local community offered an online class..for a fee of course. Now, I really don't give 2 cents what the government tells me 99% of the time, but this class was good...really good. It didn't even address speeding, or rules of the road, or any of the boring stuff that we all know. It covered your interaction with other drivers....basically asking you to be patient with each other and forgive each other as most of the people angering your husband are not doing it on purpose...they are simply making mistakes and being unaware of how their driving is affecting other people. It was a basic "therapy" session to get drivers to calm the f*** down....anger management. It worked for me, so now every time I find myself getting annoyed, I just think that the drivers are just everyday people making mistakes.

[PegNosePete]

He doesn't seem to think it's an issue and blames everyone else for being "***** drivers".

Tell him yes, they are idiots. But two wrongs don't make a right. Other people driving like idiots shouldn't cause him to endanger your life and the lives of your kids by driving dangerously in retaliation. He might be "right" but being right will be small consolation when he's sitting in hospital or in prison or at a funeral.

 

If he doesn't improve then refuse to get in a car with him, or allow the kids to be driven by him. Whatever inconvenience or arguments this causes, is better than placing their lives in danger. This isn't a small issue at all. You have to act, to protect the lives of yourself and your kids.

[JuneL]

A lot of times, these slow/old drivers are not really wrong, but are just being super cautious to always drive within the speed limits. Just because most people don't always drive within the speed limits doesn't mean these older/slower folks are wrong.

[Poutrew]

Well, it's not going to be a permanent problem....just make sure you keep your finances separate from your husbands, so that when the survivors of the people he eventually kills when he finally totally looses it, wont be able to throw what's left of your family into the street when they sue you, assuming you are alive after the inevitable accident. Hubby wont be useful as he will either be dead or in jail. And yes, road rage oftentimes gradually escalates until something bad happens...

[GorillaTheater]

Totally guilty. I try to improve, because I know it drives my wife crazy, and the moment someone pulls out in front of me when I'm going down the road at 60 (and they make it very obvious that they aren't in any kind of hurry at all), and I lose my **** again.

 

 

On behalf of zero-tolerance drivers everywhere, I apologize.

[Chardonnay Renée]

From a former road rager here in the states, this is an anger management issue.

Now, I'm gonna guess that like me, your husband has his fair share of speeding tickets...speeders and road rage more often than not go hand in hand with impatience with other drivers.

 

Here is what helped me. I changed the way I viewed other drivers.

 

A few years back I received a ticket, and at the time in lieu of paying the fine and getting the ticket on my record, the local community offered an online class..for a fee of course. Now, I really don't give 2 cents what the government tells me 99% of the time, but this class was good...really good. It didn't even address speeding, or rules of the road, or any of the boring stuff that we all know. It covered your interaction with other drivers....basically asking you to be patient with each other and forgive each other as most of the people angering your husband are not doing it on purpose...they are simply making mistakes and being unaware of how their driving is affecting other people. It was a basic "therapy" session to get drivers to calm the f*** down....anger management. It worked for me, so now every time I find myself getting annoyed, I just think that the drivers are just everyday people making mistakes.

 

My husband's driving habits are a microcosm of the way he lives his life. He's a maximiser who strives to make every minute count. He hates wasting time and especially hates others holding him back.

 

My husband has been fined so many times it's not funny. I've even taken fines after signing a statutory declaration claiming to be the driver on one occasion just so he didn't lose his licence.

 

I'm glad that the course helped you. God, I could only imagine how my husband would respond if I suggested he did some online course to help him empathise with other drivers in the road!

[JuneL]

How is it saving time when you have to waste your time getting pulled over and paying fines?

[Chardonnay Renée]

Tell him yes, they are idiots. But two wrongs don't make a right. Other people driving like idiots shouldn't cause him to endanger your life and the lives of your kids by driving dangerously in retaliation. He might be "right" but being right will be small consolation when he's sitting in hospital or in prison or at a funeral.

 

If he doesn't improve then refuse to get in a car with him, or allow the kids to be driven by him. Whatever inconvenience or arguments this causes, is better than placing their lives in danger. This isn't a small issue at all. You have to act, to protect the lives of yourself and your kids.

 

You know, he doesn't drive unsafe himself. My issue isn't that I feel he's taking unacceptable risks as a result of his anger. He's not a loose cannon behind the wheel.

 

My issues are his ranting and carrying-on, especially in front of the kids. He had and would never make a stupid overtaking manouver as a result of a lack of control. He's still very much in control.

 

I have told him that his behaviour reduces my desire to go out on day trips because instead of just going with the flow, the topic of discussion is always about "the next dickhead" who can't drive. It's kinda boring after a while.

[standtall]

God, I could only imagine how my husband would respond if I suggested he did some online course to help him empathise with other drivers in the road!

 

Wow...that's a scary statement. How would he react? If he would get mad, then it does sound like he does have an anger problem.

[Chardonnay Renée]

A lot of times, these slow/old drivers are not really wrong, but are just being super cautious to always drive within the speed limits. Just because most people don't always drive within the speed limits doesn't mean these older/slower folks are wrong.

 

Speeding is not the issue. I don't have an issue with what my husband is irritated about as, like another poster stated, he is "right".

 

My husband has never gotten irritated at people doing the speed limit. What jacks him off his stuff like being cut off, fast lane hogs and people who brake way to early.

 

In the case of this old couple; it was a backroad through the hills - the speed limit is irrelevant as, for the most part, no car exceeds it. The roads are undulating and therefore the advisory speed warnings are continuously variable.

 

The old man in question was taking the corners super slow. He was riding the brakes constantly and was straddling the soft shoulders of the road and constantly flicking up stones and dirt.

 

Look, it doesn't help that my husband's car is only four months old, so he's particularly anal about its preservation. But that's a minor point, really.

 

I just want to clarify that my husband isn't a dangerous driver. My issue isn't that he's doing anything wrong. I have full faith in him behind the wheel as he's a fantastic driver. It's just his ranting that I'm sick of. LOL.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Wow...that's a scary statement. How would he react? If he would get mad, then it does sound like he does have an anger problem.

 

His problem is that he stubborn and a little arrogant, rather than having an anger problem.

[BaileyB]

Oh, it sounds like he's stubborn, arrogant, and has an anger problem...

 

I'm glad I'm not in the car with your husband. And I hope I don't ever meet him on the road either...

[JuneL]

You know, he doesn't drive unsafe himself. My issue isn't that I feel he's taking unacceptable risks as a result of his anger. He's not a loose cannon behind the wheel.

 

My issues are his ranting and carrying-on, especially in front of the kids. He had and would never make a stupid overtaking manouver as a result of a lack of control. He's still very much in control.

 

I have told him that his behaviour reduces my desire to go out on day trips because instead of just going with the flow, the topic of discussion is always about "the next dickhead" who can't drive. It's kinda boring after a while.

 

I don't see how he can be a safe driver if he has gotten so many tickets that you had to cover for him. Next time he when criticizes other drivers, just tell him he's the incompetent one to drive. I would take over the driving task when you go out together.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Totally guilty. I try to improve, because I know it drives my wife crazy, and the moment someone pulls out in front of me when I'm going down the road at 60 (and they make it very obvious that they aren't in any kind of hurry at all), and I lose my **** again.

 

 

On behalf of zero-tolerance drivers everywhere, I apologize.

 

You sound like my hubby and I sound like your wife! Just keep trying to breath if someone annoys you on the road.

[Chardonnay Renée]

How is it saving time when you have to waste your time getting pulled over and paying fines?

 

Umm... I don't know where you're from, but where I'm from the majority of speed infringement notices are sent directly to one's mailbox.

 

From time to time you'll see a police officer using a hand-held radar, but for the most part it's done via mobile speed cameras mounted to stationery vehicles parked on the side of a road.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I don't see how he can be a safe driver if he has gotten so many tickets that you had to cover for him. Next time he when criticizes other drivers, just tell him he's the incompetent one to drive. I would take over the driving task when you go out together.

 

He's a very skilled driver. He is an amateur racer and competes in club events organised at local race tracks. I trust him behind the wheel more than anyone else I've driven with.

 

There's many ways someone can be an unsafe driver and never exceed the speed limit. It's easy to be done doing just over the speed limit when the limits are very conservative.

 

I'd love to say he's incompetent, but that would be saying something disingenuous. I know that he's more than competent, he just needs to tone it down a couple of notches.

[JuneL]

He's a very skilled driver. He is an amateur racer and competes in club events organised at local race tracks. I trust him behind the wheel more than anyone else I've driven with.

 

 

I see. Imagine when your twin babies get older and he has to teach them stuff. I hope he won't snap at them for being "stupid"!

 

 

There's many ways someone can be an unsafe driver and never exceed the speed limit. It's easy to be done doing just over the speed limit when the limits are very conservative.

 

 

I've only driven in fewer than 10 states in the US. But I don't believe it's common for a driver to have collected so many tickets that he has to ask another person to "claim" some of his tickets (which is not legal in itself).

[Davey L]

The problem is that other drivers seem anonymous to us, faceless people we don't know, so we can easily react rudely when they annoy us. In other interactions, say for example people getting in the way when we're in the supermarket, we see them as people and react in a kinder and more tolerant way.

If you imagine that the slow elderly driver getting in the way is your much-loved grandfather, rather than as some faceless bloody-minded old fool, it's easier to be tolerant.

That doesn't help you much I suppose, but you could try gently reminding him that the elderly dawdler is probably some poor chap doing his best but struggling with modern high speed traffic, and try to make him see the other drivers as real people.

[rushed]

My kids shame the hell out of me when I start cursing at other drivers. "Mama, why are you so mad?" "Mama, why are you yelling?" "Oooh, you said the f word!"

 

It is an anger issue. At first I would yell back at my kids, "Don't you yell at me! You're not the one driving!" (Man, I am so ashamed of myself thinking back on that.) My boyfriend at the time would gently say, "Hey, come on, there's no need to yell." (He was always really good with me when I lost my temper.)

 

It didn't happen overnight with me, but I've gotten much better at controlling my temper, at least when I'm driving with my kids. When I do let an expletive slip out, I immediately apologize to them.

 

(Over lunch one day with my kids, my son and I were talking politics and I got really heated talking about current events. I asked my daughter her opinion, and she was just really quiet. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she doesn't like it when people are angry, even when the anger is not directed at her. That stuck with me.)

 

OP, I would just try talking with your husband. Let him know that yeah, a lot of drivers are idiots, but it makes you feel really anxious when he gets angry and starts yelling even if you're not the target.

[Chardonnay Renée]

I see. Imagine when your twin babies get older and he has to teach them stuff. I hope he won't snap at them for being "stupid"!

 

 

 

I've only driven in fewer than 10 states in the US. But I don't believe it's common for a driver to have collected so many tickets that he has to ask another person to "claim" some of his tickets (which is not legal in itself).

 

My husband owns a small business with two full-time employees, plus a few casuals. His approach to dealing with his employees isn't to be abrasive. However, he's not afraid to give them a peice of his mind if they aren't performing.

 

If our boys are anything like him they'll be quick learners and have very thick skins. I have no doubt my husband will raise them with the "tough love" approach - I guess that's where I'll come into the equation; being the fairer sex and all.

 

Yes, it's most definitely not legal to take someone else's fine, but certainly not uncommon here in Australia. There's a culture of doing just that. While it's certainly not behaviour I'm proud of or condone, sometimes you've just got to do what you've got to do.

 

In Australia we have a demerit point system. Usually there's 12 points on a licence, and each fine amounts to a point figure relative to the speed, up until a capped level where one would automatically lose their licence if that amount was exceeded.

 

Each state somewhat varies in how they adopt this system, but for the most part it's similar. In the case of my husband; he'd had three fines in as many years, was three weeks away from gaining three points back, before he was slapped eith another fine.

 

The fine he received would have wiped his three remaining points off his licence, which would have have meant an instant loss licence for three months. I took the fine as I was seven months pregnant - I really didn't want him losing his licence!

 

As it stands, he hasn't had a fine since, and is due to receive his second lot of three points back, lifting his total back to nine points. He promised me he'd settle after having the boys - in reality he judt purchased a radar detector and has so far been clean.

[mrs rubble]

Hopefully one day he'll encounter someone like my ex-husband- I was driving him and our children one day and accidently cut some guy off. He pulled up to us at the next set of lights and screamed abuse at me (it was summer time and we had our windows down), my ex husband got out of the car and went up to the guy abusing me and grabbed hold of his shirt and told him to get out of the car so he could smash his effing head in. The poor guy was petrified, I bet he never did that again.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Hopefully one day he'll encounter someone like my ex-husband- I was driving him and our children one day and accidently cut some guy off. He pulled up to us at the next set of lights and screamed abuse at me (it was summer time and we had our windows down), my ex husband got out of the car and went up to the guy abusing me and grabbed hold of his shirt and told him to get out of the car so he could smash his effing head in. The poor guy was petrified, I bet he never did that again.

 

This post I find disappointing. From my posts you have obviously inferred that my husband is a bully. He is not!

 

The worst he's ever done is shake his head at people, and on one occasion when I was with him, point to his head with his index finger to imply the person he was directing his frustration at was lacking a brain.

 

To think that you've read what I've said and thought that a scenario whereby someone like your ex-husband, whose impulse control is lacking to the point where he'd assult someone, would engage in an altercation with my husband speaks volumes about your own morals.

 

I'm sorry to hear you were abused, and as a female it is reassuring to know that your man is willing and able to stand up for you, but what your ex-husband did was go WAY overboard. To then wish that on someone who doesn't even deserve it isn't cool!

 

Oh, and for what it's worth, I might just point out that if a physical confrontation were to ensue with my husband, I don't really think it would end well for most people. Just saying! I hope to never see any such occurence because it would get pretty ugly pretty quickly.

[mrs rubble]

This post I find disappointing. From my posts you have obviously inferred that my husband is a bully. He is not!

 

The worst he's ever done is shake his head at people, and on one occasion when I was with him, point to his head with his index finger to imply the person he was directing his frustration at was lacking a brain.

 

To think that you've read what I've said and thought that a scenario whereby someone like your ex-husband, whose impulse control is lacking to the point where he'd assult someone, would engage in an altercation with my husband speaks volumes about your own morals.

 

I'm sorry to hear you were abused, and as a female it is reassuring to know that your man is willing and able to stand up for you, but what your ex-husband did was go WAY overboard. To then wish that on someone who doesn't even deserve it isn't cool!

 

Oh, and for what it's worth, I might just point out that if a physical confrontation were to ensue with my husband, I don't really think it would end well for most people. Just saying! I hope to never see any such occurence because it would get pretty ugly pretty quickly.

Well I'm very sorry I shared this story with you.

You have now changed your story to the worst he ever did was shake a finger etc from swearing and cursing in front of your children. If this is done within earshot of the person it was directed towards there is every chance the same could happen to him. I never inferred your husband was a bully, he is however verbally abusive and if he is caught verbally abusing the wrong person he could find himself in a sticky situation.

As for attacking MY morals for sharing this story to give you a heads up on what could possibly happen one day, you are a fine one to talk- you've openly admitted to lying to the police, that says a load about your morals.

[Chardonnay Renée]

Well I'm very sorry I shared this story with you.

You have now changed your story to the worst he ever did was shake a finger etc from swearing and cursing in front of your children. If this is done within earshot of the person it was directed towards there is every chance the same could happen to him. I never inferred your husband was a bully, he is however verbally abusive and if he is caught verbally abusing the wrong person he could find himself in a sticky situation.

As for attacking MY morals for sharing this story to give you a heads up on what could possibly happen one day, you are a fine one to talk- you've openly admitted to lying to the police, that says a load about your morals.

 

The worst he ever did to someone else was what I said. The point of the thread was that I am frustrated with listening to him rant while in the car with him. Yes, he swore in front of our babies and that's disappointing.

 

I took exception to your idea that you wish he'd bump into someone violent like your ex-husband when all he's done is rant inside his car, and at worst, make a gensture (not even the middle finger) out of frustration.

 

It seemed as though what you thought would be the ideal scenario was one which was way OTT in relation to what would have actually occured. But since he's never actually verbally abused anyone, the scenario wouldn't actually occur. Ergo, it's a moot point.

 

BTW, what's your personal opinion of your ex-husband's propensity for violence and threatening behaviour? Sharing your story is one thing, but hoping that it repeats itself unto others suggests you condone unprovoked violence.

 

And yes, I did "take one for the team" - something I'm not proud of doing and explicitly told my husband that I wouldn't do it again. But hey, if that's the worst I've ever done then those whom harbour the stench of sanctimony ought to ensure their own skeletons are well and truly locked in the closet.