Into Second Family Now

[Curiosity12]

Some 6 years ago, I have posted my relationship situation here in loveshock.org. And many have responsed to me telling me that I should get out of that abusive relationship. And so, I got out but it took me one more year to prepare myself. It just happened all of a sudden. I would like to say thank to all the people here in Loveshack who showed support and company to me -I cannot remember all your names though. THANK YOU.

 

So here is a summary of my life, I am now near in my 30s with an 8 year old daughter. I got out of that 10-year non sense relationship but I have my daughter with me. A friend of mine helped me start over again, he was my friend since high school. I mean, you know, it's hard to start all over again, financially, emotionally and physically. I have been supported by friends and family and i felt really good when i got out of that relationship. The moment i stepped out of their door and I got all my things, I felt happy and clean. I felt FREEDOM.

 

Let's name my guy friend Charlie. He has been a friend of a friend whom I got to chat most of the time or receive textmessages from him but I dont like him you know, i am not into getting into another relationship that soon. Not at the same time i am still living with the father of my daughter. He helped me with a lot of stuff when i move out especially financially, second is emotionallyS he gave me conpany. I eventually fell inlove because not because of his money. He would not give me anything lavish but he will be there when i am short of budget. So now into our relationship, i am a single mom with an 8 year old daughter and he has a kid who is also 8 years old, a boy. He have been married to the mother of that boy some 8 years ago but they have seperated when the boy was just a few months old.

 

I fell in love with this guy because he is no longer new to me. He has been into my life for so many years as a friend. And when i got to know him a bit more, he is kind and responsible. THE TOTAL OPPOSITE Of my ex partner. So fastforward, we are now living together in a house given to him by his mother, but we had to loan 200,000 from th bank to have the house finished, so that we could finallly move in. Weve been living together for almost 4 years now I am already seeing a different side of him.

 

1. I asked him when is he going to fix the annulment from his wife - he answered me, "I will fix it but let's split it. You help me pay for it." Thats 200,000 and the thing is he wants to file for annulment but if someone will help him with the expenses, which means if i said yes i have to shell out 100,000 for that. Which is still a big question mark to me - a wedding is impossible if the annulment is not processed.

 

2. So heres the house we live together now. The story is that his mother gave him this 90 square meter lot for us to build a house for, plus 200,000 cash for building it. But of course, 200k is not enough so we borrowed money from the bank. Now the loans hav been piled up with interest rate and we are having a hard time paying for it. That 200,000 loan from the bank eas split between us monthly. Meaning a part of that loan i need to pay for the house is 3k and so is his. Basically, i am paying for something I an aware I cannot go after legally because i am not the wife here.

 

3. Bills - so before we moved into his house we were renting out a small house, the rent and was split 5050 but i pay the internet, water, electricitt, cable and gas for cooking, plus the drinking and water. His contribution would be 50% of the grocery for the whole month and usually that grocery will only last for two weeks. For the next two weeks i have to buy every food out of my pocket. I was not complaining about that because I can see them happy, him and our kids.

But when we moved in here,we got into debts. Credit cards unpaid, enrollment of kids and all the urgent expenses. I am trying to cover up for all the bills and card payments and am doing fine. He was paying the electricty and water bill since we moved in here by himself. I dont share because there are still some left unpaid bills from the previous house which have to settle. He is already complaining that i should give out 50% already.

 

4. KIDS - recently i have noticed that he would ask my daughter to do household chores more than he would ask his own son. His son by the wasy has been raised a spoiled brat. But i am not angry nor mad with the kid, i like him and i pity him that her mother doesnt really want to take care of him. But our exes sometimes borrows our kids, my daughter will sometimes go to his father and relatives, my step son would go to his mom sometimes. I am okay with that. We cannot keep the children away from their biological parents right? But sometimes it pisses me off when these children will be sent back to us without rsting their dinner or lunch or have bot brushed their teeth or have bath before they leave. No financial support from the biological mother of my step son so my father pays for everything. I dont ask money from my partner because I think his salary is just enough for him to pay for the school, the 50% food share, gas for his car and everything else. I handle my own salary.

He is kinder when he is talking to my daughter. But he would sometimes text me that my daughter did not do her homework and that my daughter has a slow mental growth. I feel bad about the text mesages so i just preferred not to respond.

 

5. Lately, Everything has changed. He told me that I like to gossip around and that i should stop that. My elbows are already dark. I have a big nose. I have a big round belly and that i am fat. I asked him one time, "what snack would you like me to get." He said,"None. Just keep your money so you could pay your debts." I felt really-really hurt. Uo to now i dont speak to him for 2 days already. Now i am laying down on a seperate bed. I dont like to sleep beside him tonight.

 

6. Sex - everything has changed. There is not much intimacy involved. When he gets on me, i just want him to be done in a couple of minutes. Honestly, i no longer enjoy it.

The other day upon waking up he would show me signs that he wants to have sex, even when i was asleep i really got out of bed so i could be far from him. No sex today. Emotionally i felt hurt with what he told me about the bills and everything.

 

So, my question for you guys is what do you think will happen to me? Should i stay or not? What should i do now? I think im falling apart. Am i just overthinking and depressed?

[stillafool]

Why would you try to build a house with someone else's husband? Of course you shouldn't shell out $100 grand to help him pay for the annulment. How is his marriage your responsibility. You have a child and you have to protect their financial future. You should have never moved with this guy until he was divorced and put a ring on your finger. It doesn't seem like he respects you by the way he talks to you. I think you should get away from him as fast as possible.

[BaileyB]

Why in the world would you pay for his annulment? And since when does it cost $200,000 to get an annulment?

 

And why in the world would you think about moving in with someone who is still married? You have taken on so much debt but you have no claim to the home.

 

And why in the world would you consider marrying a man who puts both you and your daughter down? This is not a nice guy...

 

My goodness, run, don't walk, away from this guy! Protect your financial interests as best you can. Definitely, don't marry this guy (not that he can marry you right now anyway). And seek some counselling because you are a magnet for abusive, manipulative men.

Edited July 23, 2017 by BaileyB

[Curiosity12]

Why would you try to build a house with someone else's husband? Of course you shouldn't shell out $100 grand to help him pay for the annulment. How is his marriage your responsibility. You have a child and you have to protect their financial future. You should have never moved with this guy until he was divorced and put a ring on your finger. It doesn't seem like he respects you by the way he talks to you. I think you should get away from him as fast as possible.

 

He tried to fix my life on the first year of getting out of my previous relationship. I had to rent a house so that Me and my daughter has a roof to live in which i could not afford to pay on my own. He offered to pay 50% of the rent. He was a nice guy. But at some point maybe due to stress he suddenly told me, "you both are heavy." Like he was implying that me and my daughter are causing him a lot of additional financial matters. I know that when men gets to utter too much sentences they truly mean it. I am now saving up money for the both of me and my daughter. Thank you for your advice.

[Curiosity12]

Why in the world would you pay for his annulment? And since when does it cost $200,000 to get an annulment?

 

And why in the world would you think about moving in with someone who is still married? You have taken on so much debt but you have no claim to the home.

 

And why in the world would you consider marrying a man who puts both you and your daughter down? This is not a nice guy...

 

My goodness, run, don't walk, away from this guy! Protect your financial interests as best you can. Definitely, don't marry this guy (not that he can marry you right now anyway). And seek some counselling because you are a magnet for abusive, manipulative men.

 

By the way, i forgot to mention that i live in the philippines. We have a different way of upbringing, you know we dont have that muh emotional support groups here to make women aware of their rights. I know. I was thinking I can leave whenever I want if I am going to be selfish I can leave him with all the debts since it was under his name anyway. I am now paying 50% of that 200,000 pesos plus interest for his home and I know in legal terms I have no right to take over it when he is gone because i am not the legal wife and it had caused depression on me. At first we were just renting out, he offered to pay 50% of the rent in the previous houses we have rented since i cannot afford to pay it myself. When i asked hin does he have a plan of marrying me, he does not answer for a while but he would tell me if you will help me pay for my annulemnt then i can marry you. I told him through text after a few days about it that its no longer my responsibility to pay for the annulment since i am already helping out paying his house. Yes, i get a roof for myself and my daughter so i have to share half for the house. 200,000 pesos for annulment here in the philippines roughly 4000 us dollars. Thank you for pointing out that i am amagnet for manipulative men but really my friends would tell me that i am a strong woman who manages to pay everything and send my kid to a private school on my own. I dont really know why i am a magnet to these kind of men. My previous relationship was the worse because i was beaten up and manipulated by the family of my ex partner. Basically, writing and to talking to communities like this is a part of my therapy. Thank you baileyb. I have noticed that at first these guys would be kind and all good to me but once they saw how i handle things and how i work hard to look for money, they became somewhat strange. They feel jealous - i think i am hurting their ego without me knowing it? I am usually a quite woman.

[mikeylo]

Do you so much money for his annulment?

 

What am I missing?

[BaileyB]

When i asked hin does he have a plan of marrying me, he does not answer for a while but he would tell me if you will help me pay for my annulemnt then i can marry you.

 

That's a no go. Definitely.

 

I'm sure that you are a very strong and hard working woman and an excellent mother. Sadly, I think you trust the wrong men.

[TunaCat]

Wait, why do you have to shell out ANY money for HIS annulment? That's his responsibility to take care of. Not yours. Your responsibility is to your daughter and yourself.

 

Why would you want to be with a guy who puts both you and your daughter down? What do you want your daughter learning from you, because so far, all she's learning about love is that it's okay if the man puts her down all the time because you continue to put up with it.

[stillafool]

By the way, i forgot to mention that i live in the philippines. We have a different way of upbringing, you know we dont have that muh emotional support groups here to make women aware of their rights. I know. I was thinking I can leave whenever I want if I am going to be selfish I can leave him with all the debts since it was under his name anyway. I am now paying 50% of that 200,000 pesos plus interest for his home and I know in legal terms I have no right to take over it when he is gone because i am not the legal wife and it had caused depression on me. At first we were just renting out, he offered to pay 50% of the rent in the previous houses we have rented since i cannot afford to pay it myself. When i asked hin does he have a plan of marrying me, he does not answer for a while but he would tell me if you will help me pay for my annulemnt then i can marry you. I told him through text after a few days about it that its no longer my responsibility to pay for the annulment since i am already helping out paying his house. Yes, i get a roof for myself and my daughter so i have to share half for the house. 200,000 pesos for annulment here in the philippines roughly 4000 us dollars. Thank you for pointing out that i am amagnet for manipulative men but really my friends would tell me that i am a strong woman who manages to pay everything and send my kid to a private school on my own. I dont really know why i am a magnet to these kind of men. My previous relationship was the worse because i was beaten up and manipulated by the family of my ex partner. Basically, writing and to talking to communities like this is a part of my therapy. Thank you baileyb. I have noticed that at first these guys would be kind and all good to me but once they saw how i handle things and how i work hard to look for money, they became somewhat strange. They feel jealous - i think i am hurting their ego without me knowing it? I am usually a quite woman.

 

Maybe you should just live on your own with just your daughter. The men there don't seem to be very nice. If you can support you and your daughter on your own you don't need a man.