Social media and marriage

[mrstang69]

Just want some opinions, my wife has snapchat and it bugs me that she does. I cant see her post or who she talks too. In my opinion, i don't think a married woman should be snap chatting with another guy when she is married. Am i wrong? I found out before that she was texting a male coworker when i would go to work at night. Accused her of having emotional affair but in her eyes she said she wasn't. The other thing tat annoys me is when we are having family time at night going to a movie, baseball game, dinner, or just driving around, she is always on her phone texting, facebooking, snapchatting. Something other than goving us her full attention. How doyou get someone to stop texting divorce coworkers whodont have family time? It gets annoying!

[unicorn_with_baggage]

I can only speak from experience but when I zoned out into a world of facebook and social media it was because I'd mentally checked out of my marriage and couldn't stand to be around my husband. Some people have a hard time being honest and saying they want out. You might need to do it for her. But mostly for yourself. It can't be doing much for your confidence.

[somanymistakes]

Just want some opinions, my wife has snapchat and it bugs me that she does. I cant see her post or who she talks too. In my opinion, i don't think a married woman should be snap chatting with another guy when she is married. Am i wrong? I found out before that she was texting a male coworker when i would go to work at night. Accused her of having emotional affair but in her eyes she said she wasn't. The other thing tat annoys me is when we are having family time at night going to a movie, baseball game, dinner, or just driving around, she is always on her phone texting, facebooking, snapchatting. Something other than goving us her full attention. How doyou get someone to stop texting divorce coworkers whodont have family time? It gets annoying!

 

There's two separate things here and the overlap between them can be confusing.

 

One is your wife paying attention to her phone in general. And yeah, it's annoying when you're trying to do special family time and someone keeps checking out to check their phone. There are a lot of people who do this. However, if you respond to it with "YOU SHOULD GIVE US YOUR FULL ATTENTION!" you are likely to make your partner feel threatened, controlled, and frustrated. Especially if she's on her phone because she's bored by the things you're doing in the first place.

 

The second thing is your wife talking privately to other guys. This does not always mean bad things, but as you know it very often can be the start of a problem.

 

If your marriage is still strong underneath and these two things are just irritants that might get bigger over time, you could try finding a way to adjust her habits in order to bring you closer together and SHARE her net time, rather than making it a forbidden thing that she does as an escape from you. Like, specify that she shouldn't use her phone while you're having dinner, but that it's okay for her to do it at other times, like driving, or something - times when your attention wouldn't be fully on her anyway and she might be a bit bored. And ask her to share with you the things she's reading. I know facebook addicts who would love to show off every stupid cat picture they've seen posted on the 'net if someone would listen to them. In the same way if you can get her to regularly tell you about the people she's talking to and make it a sharing thing rather than a secret private forbidden thing, that can help stop it from growing out of control.

 

If, on the other hand, she's already looking for an escape, well, that's going to be a lot harder.

[BluesPower]

There's two separate things here and the overlap between them can be confusing.

 

One is your wife paying attention to her phone in general. And yeah, it's annoying when you're trying to do special family time and someone keeps checking out to check their phone. There are a lot of people who do this. However, if you respond to it with "YOU SHOULD GIVE US YOUR FULL ATTENTION!" you are likely to make your partner feel threatened, controlled, and frustrated. Especially if she's on her phone because she's bored by the things you're doing in the first place.

 

The second thing is your wife talking privately to other guys. This does not always mean bad things, but as you know it very often can be the start of a problem.

 

If your marriage is still strong underneath and these two things are just irritants that might get bigger over time, you could try finding a way to adjust her habits in order to bring you closer together and SHARE her net time, rather than making it a forbidden thing that she does as an escape from you. Like, specify that she shouldn't use her phone while you're having dinner, but that it's okay for her to do it at other times, like driving, or something - times when your attention wouldn't be fully on her anyway and she might be a bit bored. And ask her to share with you the things she's reading. I know facebook addicts who would love to show off every stupid cat picture they've seen posted on the 'net if someone would listen to them. In the same way if you can get her to regularly tell you about the people she's talking to and make it a sharing thing rather than a secret private forbidden thing, that can help stop it from growing out of control.

 

If, on the other hand, she's already looking for an escape, well, that's going to be a lot harder.

 

You guys are being way to easy on the wife.

 

Odds are that she is having an affair. Maybe not, maybe she is about to.

 

A married woman has absolutely no business texting other men in secret, none.

 

I know all the people will say, "Oh come on, she can have male friends".

 

Your wife is having an affair or she is going to, all of the ear marks are there. Bored with family life, likely bored with you, on and on...

 

Think about this in a bigger context. Has she traveled for work, girls nights out, going to visit friends, or working late?

 

You need to do some detective work...

[wmacbride]

You guys are being way to easy on the wife.

 

Odds are that she is having an affair. Maybe not, maybe she is about to.

 

A married woman has absolutely no business texting other men in secret, none.

 

I know all the people will say, "Oh come on, she can have male friends".

 

Your wife is having an affair or she is going to, all of the ear marks are there. Bored with family life, likely bored with you, on and on...

 

Think about this in a bigger context. Has she traveled for work, girls nights out, going to visit friends, or working late?

 

You need to do some detective work...

 

Op,

Is this desire for privacy new? If so, you may have a real problem. People who have nothing to hide hide nothing, or, at the very least, they are willing to talk to their spouse about their concerns and not be dismissive. Your wife doesn't fit into any of those categories.

 

I am not going to speculate on whether or not she's cheating, but I will say that her behavior is very disrespectful, and to be honest, just plain rude. Even if her social media use is completely platonic, it's still very impolite. Next time you are having "family time" or it's another situation where the phone's interruptions will not be welcomed, tell her to either leave the phone at home or to not bother coming at all. It's not essential that she have it in her hand 24 hours a day, and if she chooses her phone over her family, that is really saying something.

[d0nnivain]

It depends on what they are talking about. It also depends on when the friendship began.

 

 

If he was a friend before she met you, he's part of the package. You can't expect her to cut him out of her life.

 

 

Even if he's a new friend but they are talking about general stuff, don't get overly excited. If you are at work & can't pay attention to her, why can't she talk to others? If she takes time away from you to talk to him, then it's a problem. Since she is taking away family time it's a problem. She needs to put you & the kids before the friendship.

[amurb]

I am sorry you are going through this. Yes snap chatting with people you don't know, or you aren't able to see what she is doing is wrong. It isn't helpful to your marriage either. Maybe discussing your feelings about this with her could be helpful. It is important to give attention to someone, especially family or spouse, maybe suggest that she take a break from her phone for at least an hour.

Just want some opinions, my wife has snapchat and it bugs me that she does. I cant see her post or who she talks too. In my opinion, i don't think a married woman should be snap chatting with another guy when she is married. Am i wrong? I found out before that she was texting a male coworker when i would go to work at night. Accused her of having emotional affair but in her eyes she said she wasn't. The other thing tat annoys me is when we are having family time at night going to a movie, baseball game, dinner, or just driving around, she is always on her phone texting, facebooking, snapchatting. Something other than goving us her full attention. How doyou get someone to stop texting divorce coworkers whodont have family time? It gets annoying!

[Overtaxed]

You guys are being way to easy on the wife.

 

Odds are that she is having an affair. Maybe not, maybe she is about to.

 

A married woman has absolutely no business texting other men in secret, none.

 

I know all the people will say, "Oh come on, she can have male friends".

 

Your wife is having an affair or she is going to, all of the ear marks are there. Bored with family life, likely bored with you, on and on...

 

Think about this in a bigger context. Has she traveled for work, girls nights out, going to visit friends, or working late?

 

You need to do some detective work...

 

Yes, they are. Dude, wake up, there's NO valid reason to TXT a man in private for a MW (or a MM to TXT a woman in private) other than the beginnings of or continuation of an A. That's it.

 

No, all the people won't say that (because I won't, you're absolutely right!). Having male friends that you TXT in secret is as big a red flag as you'll get that doesn't involved walking in on them. No, she can't have male friends like that, and, IMHO, shouldn't have any male friends that aren't your friends. Men, in general, do NOT want to be friends with women they don't have sexual interest in. Yes, I know there are some exceptions; but they are rare and typically involved a huge gulf in sexual market value (the man far higher than the woman's) to remove the sexual tension between a man and woman.

[mrstang69]

Thank you for your opinions everyone. Seems everytime i tell her something she will just get mad and not talk to me for a while. Could she be having an affair or even an emotional affair with someone, possibly. But she will have to live with that and will be in her head knowing what she is doing is wrong. I have never cheated on her or been disrespectful to her and i can go thru life knowing this. If anyone thinks that social media is better than having two beautiful kids that love and look up to you, well then that is very sad.

[PegNosePete]

Seems everytime i tell her something she will just get mad and not talk to me for a while.

Like a 2 year old...? This is not how to communicate in an effective adult manner. It is however, how many cheaters act, because they want to stop the conversation and avoid any further questions or responsibility. Getting mad and going quiet is an effective way of doing that.

 

Could she be having an affair or even an emotional affair with someone, possibly.

Definitely.

 

But she will have to live with that and will be in her head knowing what she is doing is wrong.

Yes, and many cheaters are perfectly happy and comfortable doing that. Are YOU happy to let her get away with it?

[KarenBlackwell]

Phones are a bit like drugs. My H is on his phone all the time I constantly have to say things like no phones at dinner. Repeated several times. Or often I just say things like what are you looking at, then just an "Oh" if it's an inappropriate time. I know he's just looking at stupid news or politics but the phone is out all the time. I do it as well but I try to just not bring my phone if I take my kids to the park or leave it in a place that isn't super easy to get to at home. That being said she should try to be more present. I've never had Snapchat but I know people some married that do. It's like all those other apps it's just the in thing to have. How much do you monitor her devices. Are you on her phone and computer checking things out all the time. If you are and you continually tell her she can't do Snapchat it might be just a she feels threatened.

 

My H has my comp linked to his so he sees everything I do every page I visit every song I listen to. He also checks my phone and checks all my calls texts. Even if I delete something he gets it sent to him. He's crazy though. I'm also not allowed social media. If you are controlling try making a compromise no Snapchat but you'll promise not to go through her phone or something like that. Or set up times that are just No phone times. It does however seem like she's being sneaky Snapchat is sneaky especially since you know she's talking to a certain guy.

[GunslingerRoland]

My H has my comp linked to his so he sees everything I do every page I visit every song I listen to. He also checks my phone and checks all my calls texts. Even if I delete something he gets it sent to him. He's crazy though. I'm also not allowed social media. If you are controlling try making a compromise no Snapchat but you'll promise not to go through her phone or something like that. Or set up times that are just No phone times. It does however seem like she's being sneaky Snapchat is sneaky especially since you know she's talking to a certain guy.

 

Why do you allow this? This isn't okay at all.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Phones are a bit like drugs. My H is on his phone all the time I constantly have to say things like no phones at dinner. Repeated several times. Or often I just say things like what are you looking at, then just an "Oh" if it's an inappropriate time. I know he's just looking at stupid news or politics but the phone is out all the time. I do it as well but I try to just not bring my phone if I take my kids to the park or leave it in a place that isn't super easy to get to at home. That being said she should try to be more present. I've never had Snapchat but I know people some married that do. It's like all those other apps it's just the in thing to have. How much do you monitor her devices. Are you on her phone and computer checking things out all the time. If you are and you continually tell her she can't do Snapchat it might be just a she feels threatened.

 

My H has my comp linked to his so he sees everything I do every page I visit every song I listen to. He also checks my phone and checks all my calls texts. Even if I delete something he gets it sent to him. He's crazy though. I'm also not allowed social media. If you are controlling try making a compromise no Snapchat but you'll promise not to go through her phone or something like that. Or set up times that are just No phone times. It does however seem like she's being sneaky Snapchat is sneaky especially since you know she's talking to a certain guy.

 

Whoa. You are not "allowed" social media? Are you serious? If you are not allowed Facebook or Instagram, what is your husband going to think of LS? I can tell you that my husband does not care about any specific social media but he saw this page and he did not like it at all. He found it very unhealthy.

 

OP - I think it's a big leap from she is obsessed with her phone to she is having an affair. I would ask her what she is doing on Snapchat. I thought it was something kids use. I know adults use it for marketing.

 

Phones in general are a huge problems, cheating or not cheating. I struggle with it and my husband is always on his. It's harder than ever as we both use it for business. We have people texting, PMing, smsing us, and we have to check different boards frequently. It is a major distraction and we often get annoyed at each other. You have every right to ask her (1) what she is doing and (2) even if it is legitimate, to have some non-phone times.

 

I do think women and men can be friends but you said co-worker. The friends I have were not people at my jobs. There is no reason to be texting or messaging people you see all day. Even if it's innocent now, it can turn into something more.

[Mr. Lucky]

OP - I think it's a big leap from she is obsessed with her phone to she is having an affair. I would ask her what she is doing on Snapchat. I thought it was something kids use. I know adults use it for marketing.

 

While I agree her conduct doesn't definitively indicate an affair, have to wonder - why would she pick Snapchat? It's defining feature is "that pictures and messages are only available for a short time before they become inaccessible".

 

May not be fire, but sure seems like at least smoke...

 

Mr. Lucky