Setfree76 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Hi there. My wife and i have been married for 2 years and together for a total of 5. We have 2 kids ages 2 and 4 and a3rd child on the way. What can i say. I feel like our marriage is falling. I am very unhappy and she doesnt seem to care. We barely kiss anymore not for thenlack of me trying. We always fight. She will get mad over the smallest things and acts likes its rhe end of the world. She has kicked me out of the house a number of times. Shes slapped and punched me multiple times. Everytime e get into anfight her solution is always she wants a divorce. Shes always telling me how stupid i am and that im a peice of s**t. And it tears me down...im constantly crying and begging her not to leave me. She controls the money that i make and what its spent on. I dont go anywhere besides work. I cant even buy a coffee on thw way to work without asking and if i do she thinks im being shady and screams about divorce..she constantly thinks im lying about things eveb tho i sent her pictures of the punch clock when i get to work and when i leave. The odometer so she knows im not going anywhere yet she still thinks im being shady. I dont know what to do. Please help!!..i love my kids more than anything and dont want to loose them. The truck i drive is her mothers and the house we rent is her families. She holds all the cards and never misses the chance to throw it in my face. I dont know how much more i can take. Im at a loss:( Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Hi there. My wife and i have been married for 2 years and together for a total of 5. We have 2 kids ages 2 and 4 and a3rd child on the way. What can i say. I feel like our marriage is falling. I am very unhappy and she doesnt seem to care. We barely kiss anymore not for thenlack of me trying. We always fight. She will get mad over the smallest things and acts likes its rhe end of the world. She has kicked me out of the house a number of times. Shes slapped and punched me multiple times. Everytime e get into anfight her solution is always she wants a divorce. Shes always telling me how stupid i am and that im a peice of s**t. And it tears me down...im constantly crying and begging her not to leave me. She controls the money that i make and what its spent on. I dont go anywhere besides work. I cant even buy a coffee on thw way to work without asking and if i do she thinks im being shady and screams about divorce..she constantly thinks im lying about things eveb tho i sent her pictures of the punch clock when i get to work and when i leave. The odometer so she knows im not going anywhere yet she still thinks im being shady. I dont know what to do. Please help!!..i love my kids more than anything and dont want to loose them. The truck i drive is her mothers and the house we rent is her families. She holds all the cards and never misses the chance to throw it in my face. I dont know how much more i can take. Im at a loss:( Next time she assaults you call the police. Your children need to be protected from her violence and you shouldn't be subjected to it either. I'm sure an assault charge will make her think about how she's behaving. Stop crying in front of her, stop letting her control all of your wages and claim back your testicles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Setfree76 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 She controls the finiances because of some.poor descions iv made in the past. It was something we agred on. and the kids are in no danger. She would.never lay a finger on them. She is an amazing mother. My point is i have nothing. No place to live no way of getting to work to support my kids or myself. Nothing but the clothes on my back if i were to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Should i leave? No, you shouldn't leave with two toddlers and another on the way. You describe her as an abusive monster, and your solution is to get her pregnant again ??? How does that make sense? I'm going to guess there's another side to the story... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 The minute one spouse gets violent it's time to get out. Spousal abuse is a crime. Protect yourself & your kids. You all need to get away from this monster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Setfree76 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 Things wernt this bad when we decided to have another child. It is only recently it escalated. She has trust issues steming from her father who recently passed. Once again i must say my kids are in no danger she is a great mom. The other side is i made poor descions in my past nefore we met and she knows about them and is the reasons for her being in control.of the finances Link to post Share on other sites
Author Setfree76 Posted May 10, 2017 Author Share Posted May 10, 2017 I have a not so good past and thats what she holds against me and wont let go of. I own the things i have done and pay the price to this day for those things and i always will and wont ever forget them.i want to be better and try to show her i am but she doesnt want to see it Link to post Share on other sites
Thisguy21 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 She's holding things against you that you did before you guys even met? That is utter BS Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Did you marry her for better or worse or just better? What does marriage mean to you? What are your values regarding family and children? Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Things wernt this bad when we decided to have another child. It is only recently it escalated. She has trust issues steming from her father who recently passed. Once again i must say my kids are in no danger she is a great mom. The other side is i made poor descions in my past nefore we met and she knows about them and is the reasons for her being in control.of the finances I'm sorry but you're delusional, your kids ARE at risk, they are around violence and will grow up thinking it's normal to act abusively or be abused. It's up to you to stop the cycle, I highly recommend you involve the police next time she assaults you. I agree with Thisguy- utter BS that she's holding things against you from before you even met. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
johngalt1149 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Unless he has marks and can prove she did it, unlikely she'll go to jail as they are apt to believe her. He is so codependant. Get a p/t job and put some money away and run. Find something to sell on ebay, uber drive, get away. The kids see that and they are screwed up forever as well as learning demeaning behavior to people. Link to post Share on other sites
Thisguy21 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Look man. I've seen advice given to folks who come here and find out their spouse did something wrong 20 years ago in their marriage. The posters claim their spouse has been nothing short of wonderful for 20 years but 21 years ago they did xyz. And the resounding advice was "you are going to throw away 20 years of a wonderful spouse for a thing that happened 21 years ago? You are nuts! Get over it and think of all the great things you admit they have been for the last 20 years" for someone to control you and your actions for something you did before you even met that person is so far out of line it can't possibly be tolerated. Why the hell would you marry someone like that? That right there is on you buddy! Link to post Share on other sites
Thisguy21 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Also I agree you are teaching your kids that it's cool to beat your spouse. It's cool to abuse them. Do you have girls or boys? You want you daughters cool with being abused by their spouses? You want you sons cool with being abused by their spouses? Because you are their father and you set the example you know that right? You do understand that your example shapes their future relationships right? You are smart enough to understand that I assume? So when you are old and you find out your kid is being abused by their spouse, you are just going to accept that and tell them "that is how relationships work" because that is basically what you are telling them now. And btw, it only gets worse you know that right? You know abuse starts small and continually escalates from there if nothing is done to stop it right? You do understand you have chopped off your own balls and tossed them away yourself right? Link to post Share on other sites
Downtown Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Setfree, I agree with MrLucky that your brief description of events has left out some important details we need to give you more pertinent advice. The behaviors you describe so far -- i.e., the irrational anger, controlling behavior, verbal and physical abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, inability to trust you, black-white thinking, very controlling actions, and always blaming you for every misfortune -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your W has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). Strength of symptoms. At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. The strength of symptoms is something you will have to describe to us. Persistence of symptoms. A second important issue is how persistent those strong symptoms have been. If you determine that your W is exhibiting very strong symptoms, it is important to know if those strong BPD traits are a temporary flareup of the traits everyone always has -- or instead is a lifetime problem she likely had developed by early childhood. If she has a persistent, lifetime problem the BPD symptoms would have started showing strongly in her early teens and would have been persistent -- disappearing for perhaps 4 to 6 months (or even a year) during your courtship period. During that period, you would have been unable to trigger either of her two fears (abandonment and engulfment) because her infatuation for you would have held both fears at bay. When the infatuation started evaporating, however, the fear would have returned. So far, however, you do NOT seem to be describing a persistent lifetime problem. You do not describe her abusive behavior as occurring until her current pregnancy with your third child. Is this true? Did her inability to trust you start only after the recent death of her father? I ask because the most common cause of a temporary flareup of BPD traits is a strong hormone change, as occurs during pregnancy. Another reason I am asking is that you said that here behavior got worse during this latest pregnancy -- without saying whether you had been seeing it a strong levels (albeit lower levels) starting at the end of the first year. Symptoms to look for. Setfree, I suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although it should be easy to spot strong and frequent BPD symptoms, only a professional can determine whether they are so strong and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation. Take care, Setfree. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 She does hold all the cards and you both know it. In this case, what you really need is a time machine to go back and make some different decisions in your life. You have no control of the finances, but it sounds like your finances are tight if you are beholden to her family for housing and transportation. Probably, not the best situation to have three kids... Your wife's behavior is controlling and abusive. I too, would call the police next time she gets physical so that she gets the message that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. Neither is yelling or calling you names. Your children are exposed to this behavior - they are watching everything even when you think they are not - so it needs to stop. Is there any way that you can find another job that pays a little better. If this behavior doesn't stop, I would definitely be planning an exit strategy... Although, it will be expensive because of the children. But, nobody deserves to live this way... Best wishes to you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 The next time she hits you tell her you are calling the Police because you are not going to put up with being physically abused. When she says she is going to divorce you tell her to go ahead and file. She isn't going to do it because she doesn't want to be left alone with 3 small kids to raise. But, in order to stop her threats of divorce tell her to go ahead with it and you agree. It will shock her. In the meantime get a second job and save that check. Are your parent around so that you will have someplace to stay if you have to leave. I know you love your kids and if you've been a good father you will still be allowed to see them. Link to post Share on other sites
lucy_in_disguise Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Why in the world did you have three kids with her if she is so nuts? You say the behaivior only started recently... While I find that hard to believe, if it's really the case, she should get herself checked out for health issues. There may be a physical component to the dramatic change in behaivior. That being said.... I don't think you should leave while she is pregnant. Based on your description your kids would in fact be in danger, because the way she is acting is totally insane. What you absolutely should do is gain control of your finances. You can start by opening a new bank account and going to your employer to have your paycheck auto deposited into it. You don't need your wife's permission to do that. You should also look into getting some counseling. I think individual would be a good start but if you are going to stay in this marriage for any amount of time marriage counseling is also warranted. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 She's holding things against you that you did before you guys even met? That is utter BS I guess he got himself into a huge financial mess (gambling, credit card debt, bankruptcy... etc.) and that is why SHE controls the purse strings now. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 She has only gone "nuts" since she got pregnant and had a big bereavement to cope with too. The woman I guess is at the end of her tether. It doesn 't excuse the violence but it probably explains the anger. She needs to seek professional help with her mental state and she probably needs help with the kids too. I think the children do need protected, she may be a great Mom, but Moms sometimes get mentally ill and such Moms are capable of anything. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 If you are hellbent on staying in a dangerous & violent situation at least get some marriage counseling. It should include components to address your past & her present violence / controlling. She may also be unbalanced over her father's death. You can't do nothing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 Things wernt this bad when we decided to have another child. It is only recently it escalated. She has trust issues steming from her father who recently passed. Once again i must say my kids are in no danger she is a great mom. The other side is i made poor descions in my past nefore we met and she knows about them and is the reasons for her being in control.of the finances Sorry SF, I have to call BS on this line. The kids may not be in any or limited physical danger but guess what....their little minds are recording everything that is happening in this house. They are being trained as to what a marriage looks like...is this the model you want for your kids....????? They are indeed in danger! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackCherry Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 No, you shouldn't leave with two toddlers and another on the way. You describe him as an abusive monster, and your solution is to get pregnant again ??? How does that make sense? I'm going to guess there's another side to the story... Mr. Lucky Mr lucky, I always rate your advice very highly but I have to say I wholeheartedly disagree with you on this one. I've revered the genders in the above post you wrote. Does your advice still stand when it's a woman being physically abused by her partner? If everything you've said is true, OP, you do not have a relationship worth salvaging at this stage, because you are in an abusive relationship. The damage it does to kids being in the same home as violence even when it's not directed towards them is well documented (it's a crime in the uk to allow a child to witness or hear violence in the home and is considered child abuse). For the sake of your kids you need to find a way to get to a place of safety and take the children with you or try and ensure they are safe in her care, hoping that she will not be violent once you're not around as a punch bag. Have a search online for numbers for male domestic violence support services. You need professional advice and guidance safely, not opinions on the internet. The safety and integrity of you and your kids is at stake. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BlackCherry Posted May 10, 2017 Share Posted May 10, 2017 I will also add that just because you made poor decisions re finances in the past doesn't mean she can use this as an excuse to control you today. I have been bankrupted in my past (five years ago) yet I learned from the situation, clearly manage my money well now and my partner trusts me enough to know I can handle my own finances and also our joint finances and have access to our joint cash. It's just another stick she's beating you with, unless there have been actual times in your relationship when you've displayed irresponsible financial behaviour and harmed the family as a result. She's not your captor. And she knew this about you before she married you yes? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rouik Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 I am sorry your marriage as turned into that, if you are willing to work on your marriage and can convince her of the same I would say counseling is your best bet. I can remember when my wife and I were going through hard times and while are situations are different counseling was what really helped us. To have a third party that was able to help us navigate and work through our pasts and come back together was extremely helpful. I have to agree also that if she is violent with you I wouldn't put a lot of stock in her staying nonviolent towards the kids. Maybe for now she is but if she is willing to beat on you she needs help before it escalates to something worse. I will be praying for you and your family while you travel through this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 We can tell you to leave but because you have small children and babies I doubt you will. Men struggle with that. Link to post Share on other sites
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