Husband rarely wants sex

[Losing hope]

Hi everyone I'm new to the forums but need some advice. We've been married for 20 years and have two older children. We have been arguing a lot and most of the fights are due to me feeling unloved. My husband rarely wants sex with me about every 6 weeks or more . I know he masturbates. He knows how I feel. During a fight last night I asked him to please tell me why he don't want sex with me. During a heated argument he tells me that a few months ago while having sex he noted a different discharge from me. Mind you he rarely wanted sex before that. I haven't had any infections or issues I don't know what he's talking about. Now I'm embarrassed hurt and confused. Ready to give up. It's not the sex I desire and need it's the intimacy and closeness. I'm afraid of feeling isolated and alone for ever . Any advice ?

[mikeylo]

Hi everyone I'm new to the forums but need some advice. We've been married for 20 years and have two older children. We have been arguing a lot and most of the fights are due to me feeling unloved. My husband rarely wants sex with me about every 6 weeks or more . I know he masturbates. He knows how I feel. During a fight last night I asked him to please tell me why he don't want sex with me. During a heated argument he tells me that a few months ago while having sex he noted a different discharge from me. Mind you he rarely wanted sex before that. I haven't had any infections or issues I don't know what he's talking about. Now I'm embarrassed hurt and confused. Ready to give up. It's not the sex I desire and need it's the intimacy and closeness. I'm afraid of feeling isolated and alone for ever . Any advice ?

 

Counseling.

 

There are underlying issues within the relationship.

[NTV]

If there was little sex before the discharge then...The discharge thing is a straw man argument.

[harrybrown]

What did he think it was?

[Soxfaninfl]

Counseling.

 

There are underlying issues within the relationship.

 

I totally agree!

 

Losing hope, I'm in a sexless marriage as well (once in two years), so I know how you feel. Counseling is my last resort to saving my marriage. If it doesn't improve our sex life then I will end my marriage.

[Soxfaninfl]

If there was little sex before the discharge then...The discharge thing is a straw man argument.

 

I totally agree. He's just making excuses. There are bigger issues in your marriage. He may have ED issues he's hiding or he's suffering from low testosterone. It may be other issues also.

[LoveBug143]

the discharge sounds like just an excuse. If he's masturbating, then there's a sex drive. I'd 100% see a counselor and get the answers you need. Sorry you're going through this, no one wants to feel unwanted I've been there....

[stillafool]

OP did you ask him what he meant by "a different discharge" and did you talk about a solution - like seeing your gyno?

[elaine567]

It may not be you who had the discharge it may actually be him. Many cheaters blame the betrayed wife for cheating when it is really them that are cheating. Its called projection.

Get yourself tested for STIs is my advice.

 

Cheating men can stop having sex with their wives.

Say nothing but keep your eyes and ears open. If you alert him he will take it all underground. Only confront him when you have definite evidence otherwise he will lie and lie and lie and deny everything.

[Losing hope]

Thank you for all your replies. I've been to my gyno and I have no issues . I also believe it's a excuse but still feel hurt and like he finds me disgusting for normal body things. Nice to have someone listen and be understanding. I feel so alone and helpless and just simply tired. I have wondered if he's cheating or preferring porn but I'm hurt just by feeling unwanted . Should be some of the best years of my life but I'm left feeling hurt and like I'm wasting my life away .

[4fin]

Your husband sounds like an *******. I'm on the high drive end of the spectrum and my wife told me she had some goopy discharge. I told her it had 0 bearing on what we had planned for the night. He gets confronted and hits below the belt no pun intended. I'm not remotely squeamish and if I were I'd be a lot more considerate if his trojan horse was the issue. Good luck with him.

[dichotomy]

It may not be you who had the discharge it may actually be him. Many cheaters blame the betrayed wife for cheating when it is really them that are cheating. Its called projection.

Get yourself tested for STIs is my advice.

 

Cheating men can stop having sex with their wives.

Say nothing but keep your eyes and ears open. If you alert him he will take it all underground. Only confront him when you have definite evidence otherwise he will lie and lie and lie and deny everything.

 

Good advice. Start spying -heavily.

[Mr. Lucky]

I know he masturbates. He knows how I feel.

 

I think there's a little bit of a rush to judgement here.

 

Losing hope, he obviously feels self-satisfaction is easier than participating. While it indeed may be he's simply a lazy and selfish jerk, there may also be something in your relationship dynamic causing him to feel this way.

 

Counseling is a great suggestion and communication normally a rewarding place to start.

 

Other than sex, why all the arguing ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

You know there are things that are major turn off for guys, even married ones. For example my wife leaves used pads rolled up in the disposal thing on the floor next to the toilet. If there is one there its absolutely disgusting to me, that's it.

 

Now I understand that it's a normal part of life and that we should be comfortable enough with each other to share the gross parts like diarrhea but... There is nothing sexy about those parts either. I don't see that thing on the floor and think 'my wife is one sexy mfer" . and the sound of someone going poop is a sure way to turn a flag pole into a wet noodle.

 

(Which could be used I guess for the opposite purpose if you don't want sex... but there's side effects to that strategy of course. )

 

Anyway, what I'm getting at is I'm sure after that many years married there are gross normal life features that you could overlook but he doesn't and doesn't say anything. .. or knows that saying something won't change things.

 

And I know this goes both ways with farts and dirty underwear on the floor. I get it. I'm not pointing fingers just saying that if you want to inspire more effort into sexy time then it might help to temporarily fix those speedbumps until the love life picks back up. When I want sex I suck in my gut like all day long lol.

[Pollyannaslim]

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this, but do take heart; you are not alone in your struggle – many couples find their sex drive wanes! It’s really difficult to say why this happens, as there are several possible contributing factors: stress, depression, a medical issue, pornography, etc. Regardless of the reason, though, I DO totally understand the hurt– and how a spouse’s unresponsiveness can plague one with doubts and insecurities. And even though most often it has nothing to do with us, it still hurts nonetheless, right? I’ve been there!

 

 

 

Yes… a conversation about sex can be awkward and may put either party in a place of defensiveness, but it is my hope you find some time where you can really talk with your H to let him know what is going on in your heart, ideally before things escalate into a conflict. Perhaps you two can set aside a time take a walk, or find a quiet place, one that only evokes peace. Are there other ways you connect? Such as sharing an activity or hobby? Even learning something new can put you both in a place of vulnerability – sometimes this helps to create a non-threatening environment where you can share a meaningful conversation.

Finally, I am wondering too, if seeking MC to help you through this challenge is something you would – or have considered? He/she is not only qualified to equip one with the tools to manage life changes but are often trained to vet out any possible underlying issues that hinder a couple from enjoying physical AND emotional intimacy!

 

 

 

Have faith and don’t give up. You and your H will get through this and have the kind of intimacy in your marriage that God intended!

I wish you the best and will pray for you.

Edited May 8, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ahmed8xm]

Porn And Masturbation is a Problem

 

Porn with Masturbation Cause Lack of attraction towards real people

 

there is ED which is related to Porn which is called Porn Induced ED

 

there is a thing called Nofap search on google

[QuietDan]

I think one other poster mentioned low Testosterone. It sounds like he is about at the right age for that to start to be a serious issue. In which case, the emotional and mental aspect of the marriage and marriage issues start to become a major influence on a man's sex drive. Sort of at the time in life, where roles start to get reversed. A simple blood test through the doctor will help to see if that is part of the issue.

 

There are all sort of possible reasons for this current problem in your marriage.

Others have mentioned a few of them.

However, there is a lot of things that we do not know. The past can often affect the present.

Has he always been the low sex drive partner in the marriage?

Did you use to sexually reject him earlier in the marriage?

[Onedaysoon]

How old is he? How is the rest of you're relationship? I had a sexless marriage and I made myself believe it cause by physical problems and that it must run in the family. But nope... he was cheating. And had been for years.

So don't feel bad about looking for evidence. But don't let him know until you have proof.

How is he with his phone? Does he let you near it? That's your best bet. Loook for hidden apps. Does he let you in hiis fb?

I'm sorry you feel this way. I know the feeling. A sexless marriage is definitely not what I signed up for.

And then him making you feel bad is a very low blow. He knows exactly what the problem is and it's so unfair that they don't come out and tell you.

[QuietDan]

How old is he? How is the rest of you're relationship? I had a sexless marriage and I made myself believe it cause by physical problems and that it must run in the family. But nope... he was cheating. And had been for years.

So don't feel bad about looking for evidence. But don't let him know until you have proof.

How is he with his phone? Does he let you near it? That's your best bet. Loook for hidden apps. Does he let you in hiis fb?

I'm sorry you feel this way. I know the feeling. A sexless marriage is definitely not what I signed up for.

And then him making you feel bad is a very low blow. He knows exactly what the problem is and it's so unfair that they don't come out and tell you.

 

I like a lot of what you said here. It is one typical scenario that shows up on this site. However, there are a couple of possibilities I think may also be potentially at play here.

The kids are older, may have left home now, or away off to school much of the year. They are possible experiencing the beginning of being empty nesters. If over the last few months or the last year or two, she has coincidentally rediscovered her sex drive and a greater need for emotional intimacy with her husband, her perception of her husbands behavior may have substantially changed.

I wouldn't discount the possibility that the husband is possibly dealing with holding onto some past anger and bitterness regarding past sexual rejections that he may have experienced during the first 10 or 15 years of marriage. If so, he may be acting out and doing a little bit of payback with this aspect of the relationship.

If so.. some marriage and individual counseling will probable be required to work through those kind of issues.