abby_tx Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been dating for 11 months. A lot has happened in the last 2-3 months. We exchanged I love yous. He admitted he knew I was the one as soon as he met me. I admitted I thought the same. We talked about a plan for him to move into my house. During this talk, we both agreed we weren't ready for it to happen now, but were excited at the idea of sharing a house someday soon. So then something unexpected happened. His landlord told him and his roommate they needed to move out ASAP. We thought he'd be at his place another few months and perhaps we'd be ready to discussing moving in at that point. But that's not how it worked. Instead he had to find something ASAP and that place turned out to be a really sweet EXPENSIVE bachelor pad in the heart of the city. I was excited for this in the beginning because it was like we'd have a fun place in the city and my house for a more relaxing side of things. But I don't know... now it feels like such a step backwards in our relationship. Him living in this bachelor-pad style place in such a bustling area of town feels like he's not the guy who's ready to settle down. Plus the money he said he wanted to start saving for our future is now being spent on higher rent. And he was going to curb spending, but I don't see that happening. So many bars and restaurants in walking distance just begging for our money. So I'm a bit sad and I don't know if that's selfish of me. Neither of us were ready for that stage now, but he's in a year lease and that feels so far away. Do I talk to him about this? Do we come up with a plan now? How do you know you're ready? Feeling a bit lost now and don't know if I have legitimate concern or am being a baby. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 You'd be surprised how quickly a year can go by. That said, as much as you feel that you and your boyfriend are soulmates, it's still very early to make plans about living together. There's no need to rush if you're truly in love. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 You'd be surprised how quickly a year can go by. That said, as much as you feel that you and your boyfriend are soulmates, it's still very early to make plans about living together. There's no need to rush if you're truly in love. I agree you don't need to rush it if you're truly in love, but I feel a little insecure about his new place as it doesn't seem conducive to moving our relationship forward and learning when that next step might actually be. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 When you say 'bachelor pad' and 'bustling area', are you worried more about him drinking (he has a problem, correct?) or cheating? This is going to be a huge test. He's obviously not too committed to saving for the future. Unless that pad was his ONLY option at the moment. Was it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted March 6, 2017 Author Share Posted March 6, 2017 When you say 'bachelor pad' and 'bustling area', are you worried more about him drinking (he has a problem, correct?) or cheating? This is going to be a huge test. He's obviously not too committed to saving for the future. Unless that pad was his ONLY option at the moment. Was it? Well, it's been his dream to live in this area for years but it was never an option for him financially or the timing was off. It is actually one of the cheaper units he could find in the area so in that way he's good, but it's still more than he'd pay elsewhere because of parking. So part of me thinks it's important he gets to experience this before a lifetime being married. The other part is worried about drinking. I don't think he'd cheat but given my last relationship ended because of cheating there is a lot of anxiety over the possibility. More temptations I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Well, it's been his dream to live in this area for years but it was never an option for him financially or the timing was off. It is actually one of the cheaper units he could find in the area so in that way he's good, but it's still more than he'd pay elsewhere because of parking. So part of me thinks it's important he gets to experience this before a lifetime being married. The other part is worried about drinking. I don't think he'd cheat but given my last relationship ended because of cheating there is a lot of anxiety over the possibility. More temptations I suppose. I figured the drinking was part of it. It's something you need to be concerned with regardless. Be grateful you didn't have him move in with you prematurely. His time in his new digs should tell you everything you need to know. Best of luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 Be grateful you didn't have him move in with you prematurely. Amen. abby_tx, the next step in your relationship should come when you're both ready, not out of expediency. Add in his lifestyle issues and I'd be very cautious... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 If he has always wanted to live there, don't hold him back. You both admit that you aren't ready to live together. Him needing to move does not change the status of your readiness. Don't let it push you to something prematurely. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 I agree with the others that it was smart to not move in together yet. Look at the upside...if you don't agree with his lifestyle you now have some time to make a decision about accepting his lifestyle or moving on. I wouldn't count on him changing much. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 His choices and actions will tell you what he really wants. Rather than pick a cheaper place that's closer to you and would allow him to save money for the shared life you envision, he's opted to go for an expensive bachelor pad in his dream location. Keep observing. It will become crystal clear over the upcoming months whether you in fact share the same values, have the same relationship goals, are on the same page, or should be life partners. Getting married is an important decision. You want to make sure you make the right choice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 6, 2017 Share Posted March 6, 2017 This year will make or. Real your relationship. If being in a bachelor pad and going out on the town and being hit on by girls all the time is something that he enjoys, then st least you would have found that out before you married him. If this year goes well....your relationship is probably a strong one Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 If he has always wanted to live there, don't hold him back. You both admit that you aren't ready to live together. Him needing to move does not change the status of your readiness. Don't let it push you to something prematurely. He really has always wanted to live here. Kind of a bucket list life I suppose. He's also never lived alone and told me he needs to experience that before living with me. That part makes sense. Of course then I look at all the couples around me and none of them are doing this. They've all moved in together in under a year. That's hard. I see them progressing and this does feel like the opposite. At one point he thought he'd live closer to me but there are no apartments in the area and the place he found is REALLY small so it's the cheapest place he could get in the area. In that way he's saved money. But it would obviously be even cheaper if he'd kept a roommate. I got cheated on by a long term bf so this is a HUGE test for me. There's part of me that wants to keep him in a bubble but I realize that's unrealistic and unhealthy. For those of you who suggest therapy....I'm still in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 I agree with everyone who said this is a make or break thing. That's part of what is so hard. I really love him and want this to work and so far it's been such a strong relationship that I'm scared of it all crumbling. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted March 13, 2017 Share Posted March 13, 2017 I agree with everyone who said this is a make or break thing. That's part of what is so hard. I really love him and want this to work and so far it's been such a strong relationship that I'm scared of it all crumbling. Don't help it crumble then. See how it goes. Stay positive. No disrespect but it's still soooooo early in your relationship. Just relax, go with the flow, love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author abby_tx Posted March 13, 2017 Author Share Posted March 13, 2017 Don't help it crumble then. See how it goes. Stay positive. No disrespect but it's still soooooo early in your relationship. Just relax, go with the flow, love him. I'll try to get ahold of myself before I self-sabatoge!!! Just curious but is a year really considered new still?! Well one month shy of a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I am 51 and my BF 49 and after 1 year dating we decided it was too soon to move in together officially and we both have years of experiences with relationships or marriage. Moving in together before 1 year is rushing it. I would say it's smart to wait 18 to 24 months to make the big move. You also want to move in together for love not for financial purpose. Look at it this way, he has always wanted to live downtown and on his own. It's better for him to get it out of his system now than to move in with you with regrets. It doesn't matter his place is small, just head there and both enjoy being downtown. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 I agree with everyone who said this is a make or break thing. That's part of what is so hard. I really love him and want this to work and so far it's been such a strong relationship that I'm scared of it all crumbling. Try looking at the positives. You can walk to all sorts of things. There will be cultural opportunities. It's an adventure. You can have the best of both worlds -- he has the city place & you have the country place. My cousin & his ex-GF did this for a while (roles reversed her in NYC; him in the suburbs). They loved that aspect of their relationship. Find a favorite restaurant near him. Check out the local farmers' market. Learn about the arts scene. Help him decorate & make sure there is a framed photo of you somewhere. Leave an outfit or two, a sexy bathrobe & a toothbrush. Be supportive & it should all be fine. Do keep your eyes & ears open but hope for the best. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 A lot sounds wrong with this. A landlord can't legally decide to kick people out on a whim. And your bf after you guys had discussed the possibility of moving in together ran out and found a place far away where he had to sign a 1 year lease. I don't think this should be a dealbreaker, but I don't blame you for having your guard up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 A lot sounds wrong with this. A landlord can't legally decide to kick people out on a whim. And your bf after you guys had discussed the possibility of moving in together ran out and found a place far away where he had to sign a 1 year lease. I don't think this should be a dealbreaker, but I don't blame you for having your guard up. Actually it sounded like they talked about the possibility of moving in together, but decided it just wasnt the right thing to do at the time. So it would make perfect sense for him to get his own place, especially when it was where he had wanted to live all along. Makes no sense to rush a relationship. It never works. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted March 14, 2017 Share Posted March 14, 2017 Actually it sounded like they talked about the possibility of moving in together, but decided it just wasnt the right thing to do at the time. So it would make perfect sense for him to get his own place, especially when it was where he had wanted to live all along. Makes no sense to rush a relationship. It never works. I'm not saying they should have moved in together. But the fact that he signed a long term lease on the other end of town after they had that discussion is a statement in itself, even though they were agreeing to take it slower. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whodatdog Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 A year isnt a long time. It gives him plenty of time to live somewhere thats he's always wanted to live, to see if its really for him. They can still date, theres no hurry in moving in together. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 15, 2017 Share Posted March 15, 2017 I'm not familiar with the alcoholism(?) history, so will leave that out of the equation unless you want to post more details about that here. Re: the moving in, I agree with Gunslinger that it appears he's getting cold feet. If he had genuinely intended to move in with you in the near future, there is no way he would have signed a 1 year lease on a bachelor pad. Surely there are 6 month or even periodic tenancies available. Also the story about the landlord sounds fishy, is there no protection for tenants in your local laws? As to whether 11 months is too soon to move in together - well, that depends on the individual viewpoint. Personally I'd prefer to have dated for at least a year+. But 11 months isn't exactly unreasonable, and you have every right to want it to happen soon. It just seems he doesn't share your viewpoint. How important is the timeline to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 There is nothing wrong with you continuing to date and live separately for the next year. Link to post Share on other sites
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