Awesomecows Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 I want some advice, help or just suggestions. Anything I can do in my marriage to make my husband see that my dreams matter too. I have always wanted to be an auto mechanic. I am always the one fixing the cars, fixing anything that's broke around the house really. All my life I had to listen to my parents mostly, telling me that a woman had no place in an auto garage. (I live in the south). Now, our problem with me attending school was a childcare issue I resolved, by having one of my girlfriends, who is a bored housewife to come to my home to keep my children. My husband knows we have all of our bases covered, but still does not want me to attend. I have no idea what to do. Financially, there is no issue. I've had to, in the past, turn down some very good job offers (80k/yr) because my husband didn't want to have to be alone with the kids while I was advancing my career. So, why do I have to be the only one in my marriage that makes the sacrifice? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 At this point, just do what you need to do. He doesn't have to like it, but you are not doing anything immoral or wrong. You are helping the family, too - if he can't see that, then tough, IMO. He may act out, so have contingency plans if he isn't home for the kids when you need to go to class or study. Once he sees that being obstructive doesn't stop you, he may go along. Of course, if he's really unpleasant about it, then you can stop providing services - anything from HIS laundry and cooking for him, to sex. Be careful, though - two people can play the nasty game, so try to anticipate what he might do (creating financial problems are one thing - be sure you have your own account with your tuition funds, etc.) that would create problems for you, and work out solutions ahead of time. If he doesn't want you to be an equal partner in the marriage, you don't really have a marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 What you do is go and enroll in the course. A person can only control you if you allow them to. Have you got a plan for childcare if you friend is sick or decides that she no longer wants to be a carer? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awesomecows Posted January 14, 2017 Author Share Posted January 14, 2017 Yes, I do have a plan in place if my current caregiver is sick. I have already enrolled, its 100% paid for. My husbands biggest problem is that he's afraid of failure. My husband has a Bachelors degree that is completely useless where we live. It bothers him because I'm more professionally accomplished than him. I've been in IT ten years, it doesn't make me happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 The only thing constant in our lives in change. Most people hate it, some embrace it. Go enroll. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rick2016 Posted January 14, 2017 Share Posted January 14, 2017 Your husband sounds insecure, and selfish, he should be supporting what you want to do, too bad if he is jealous of your accomplishments... Nobody has the right to control another person, that is trying to better themselves..You do what you need to do, to fulfill your dream. You are doing nothing wrong and you only have one life, and it goes fast so enjoy your new venture. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 It's just very sad when someone you loved who is supposed to love and support you, holds you back because they need to do this to feel better about themself. Follow your dream, your husband will learn to adapt. And if he doesn't, maybe you need to think about whether this is someone you want in your life. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down. This is totally his problem, not yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Awesomecows Posted January 15, 2017 Author Share Posted January 15, 2017 Thank you all for the advice and the help. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 (edited) Good advice above. Look - having the woman be the successful one, or more successful, or even just being a mechanic (non traditional woman role), can be challenging to a marriage. Its challenging for the man - and for the woman. It may sound sexist - but even when the man is supportive of his wife - being "more" successful - the woman may find herself later struggling with feelings she did not know she had - feelings of lack of respect or attraction to her stay at home husband - or her being the bread winner. Also you husband may have to cope with friends or neighbors viewing him as "less". Most marriage like this - end. If we put this issue of your career dream aside - is your husband a good man - father - etc? I think you should pursue your dream - but if you want to retain your marriage it may include some extra work on your part (and you husband as well) to grow the marriage. P.S. Just for life lessons - my first wife got her Phd after we had been together for years. I always made more money - but after she got her phd and became a college professor - our marriage changed for the worse. She looked down on me. It did not matter to me she had a Phd and was a big time professor since I was successful in my own way - but it bothered her and changed her view. Also I think he social circle of Phd Professors viewed me less. That did not help her. My second wife - we are facing a time in in the future - retirement - where its very likely she will have the better income. She has large pension coming to her. I do not. I worry how she will deal with being the breadwinner then - even though all our marriage I carried her money wise. I am fine with it - I feel "hey I carried you for half the marriage so then you can carry me" but I know she may deep down struggle with being the breadwinner in the future. On the surface she seems fine with this - but I know deep down it may bother her. Edited January 15, 2017 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 16, 2017 Share Posted January 16, 2017 I am always the one fixing the cars, fixing anything that's broke around the house really. If it doesn't work out with him, will you consider me ? I love my wife, but a woman that can fix the cars and anything else around the house, now that's a catch ! Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lady2163 Posted January 18, 2017 Share Posted January 18, 2017 It's funny, I was just thinking the other day, I wouldn't be where I am today if I had remained married. The unofficial "plan" was that he work and put me through school and then I work to put him through school. Babies would happen once I was through school. My ex hated every single job he ever had. He didn't like work much. I think one of the problems in our marriage was that he had NO idea what he wanted to go to school for when it was "his turn". I've gone on to make triple what he does. I have a much better life than he does. I suggest you have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Find out the WHY of his reluctance. Is it the income disparity? Is he uncomfortable with a largely male work environment? Is it the time away from family? Also, I'd give an awful to have a lady handyman. You be shocked at the money you can/could make on the side from that. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
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