Shouldi Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I'm a married man in my early 40s. Been married for nearly 2 decades and have two kids. I've also been having a sexual and emotional affair with a girl I love for nearly 9 years. The marriage is non-existent sexually and emotionally. We basically live together for the sake of the children. My girlfriend and I have some problems but it's mostly good and we genuinely love each other. I don't know whether to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of my kids or move on with my girlfriend and cause hurt to my daughters. I'm struggling with the biggest decision of my life Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 What I'd tell anyone in your shoes, male or female, is to choose. It's unfair to both women in your life to keep them on a string. But that comes with the caveat that you may not be seeing your marriage through the lens of reality but rather with the unconscious attempt to justify your actions with the OW. Maybe that's less likely after 9 years, I don't know, but I still can't help but wonder to what extent your affair, and the human need to justify it, is coloring your perceptions. If there was no affair, I'd recommend that you take every reasonable action necessary to save the marriage including marital counseling, but you can't hardly do that in a real way without admitting to the affair. Though maybe that would take any decision out of your hands if your wife does find out and decides to drop you like a hot rock. So maybe the best course is to let your wife go. One thing I know for sure: whatever course you decide to take, be the very best father you can be. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 Kids don't want parents who are in a loveless marriage. Trust me, they can tell when the love isn't real. Leave your wife so she can find someone who truly loves her. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shouldi Posted December 1, 2016 Author Share Posted December 1, 2016 I do want to choose. That's what I'm struggling with. I don't want to rekindle my marriage as I don't have those feelings for her anymore. If I stay it'll be purely for the kids. Not her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 The marriage is non-existent sexually and emotionally Given you've put your energy into an affair for the last decade, not surprised. Might be helpful if you detailed the steps you've taken to address the issues in your marriage... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I do want to choose. That's what I'm struggling with. I don't want to rekindle my marriage as I don't have those feelings for her anymore. If I stay it'll be purely for the kids. Not her. Then in that case, VeveCakes is absolutely correct. Let her wife go so she kind find a man who will love her. Don't stay "for the kids"; that arrangement would do them no favors. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
tigerpogo Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I'd say you should get this out in the open with your wife. The marriage is already dead, why not see what discussion gets you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 You do more damage faking a happy marriage than staying together for the kids. Have heard this from many friends whose parents split after they left the nest. They all would have preferred to adjust as kids and not adults and learn their whole life was a lie. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BoaConstrictor Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 It sounds like you already made your choice. Now you just have to make that choice official. Your wife is still young enough to find someone else. She deserves the love that you've given your girlfriend all these years. Let her find it as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I do want to choose. That's what I'm struggling with. What woman would be dumb enough to wait for you - or anyone else - for NINE years? And who'd be cruel enough to ask someone they love to do that ??? You talk about how hard it's been for you, I can only imagine what it's been like for both your wife and OW. Is your affair partner married also? Mr. Lucky 9 Link to post Share on other sites
amurb Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 I'm a married man in my early 40s. Been married for nearly 2 decades and have two kids. I've also been having a sexual and emotional affair with a girl I love for nearly 9 years. The marriage is non-existent sexually and emotionally. We basically live together for the sake of the children. My girlfriend and I have some problems but it's mostly good and we genuinely love each other. I don't know whether to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of my kids or move on with my girlfriend and cause hurt to my daughters. I'm struggling with the biggest decision of my life I am sorry you are going through this. As someone who has been divorced twice, it's not easy on the kids, but as some have said before neither is staying together for the kids. You have to choose. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted December 1, 2016 Share Posted December 1, 2016 After 9 years you don't have a real marriage anyway. There can't be any compassion or empathy or you wouldn't find it so easy to torture your wife like this. You don't know her! You don't SEE the real her! You've just stolen nearly a decade of her life justifying your other life. Your lies are so integrated that they're 'real-life' to you now. You've already destroyed your family...all you need to do is face the music & make it official. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 9 year affair??? Well shoot, if the other woman stayed that long, I'm sure you could squeeze out another 9 years out of her. You don't need to do anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 Kids know when their parents don't love each other. Your kids are not stupid, they will figure it out. And someday, you will have some explaining to do. Your wife deserves more from your marriage. If you don't love her, you owe her the decency of letting her find someone who does love her. Your affair partner deserves more than to be strung along for nine years. What she has stayed with you so long, it's hard to say. You need to make a decision. But, don't think you are doing anyone any favours, least of all your kids, by staying in a loveless marriage and stringing another woman along for your own personal satisfaction. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Caysey110504 Posted December 2, 2016 Share Posted December 2, 2016 I'm a married man in my early 40s. Been married for nearly 2 decades and have two kids. I've also been having a sexual and emotional affair with a girl I love for nearly 9 years. The marriage is non-existent sexually and emotionally. We basically live together for the sake of the children. My girlfriend and I have some problems but it's mostly good and we genuinely love each other. I don't know whether to stay in a loveless, sexless marriage for the sake of my kids or move on with my girlfriend and cause hurt to my daughters. I'm struggling with the biggest decision of my life Dont leave. Happy wife. Happy mistress. Happy life! Link to post Share on other sites
salem mark Posted December 3, 2016 Share Posted December 3, 2016 get a divorce lawyer and quick Link to post Share on other sites
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