Should I leave my husband?

[Mrs. Confused]

I am brand new to this site. A little background first: I am 34 y/o female, married 6 years. No children. I have been together with my husband since I was 12 y/o. I have never been with another man, and we have been through hell and back and still together.

 

The problem: Ever since we moved into our house, he has no respect for me. Calling me names when he doesn't get what he wants. Also, he has friends that he hangs with and leaves me alone, all by myself atleast once a week. I beg him to take me out to the movies or dinner but he never does. He always says we don't have the money. (which we don't) As far as me, I have no friends. At all. It is so sad. No girlfriends. No-one to talk to about anything. I lost all my friends. They all moved away and we all went our seperate ways.

 

He is trying to start a business for the past 2 years. It's not working. I am working full time, like him and he needs me to work in order to pay the mortgage. I always wanted kids. He only wants them because I said I want them. He ignores me on days he is in a bad mood. He tells me that I am fat. Well, when I met him at 12 I was 98 lbs. Now I am 120. He says I should work out. He once told me that he wasn't attracted to me anymore. But, he has sex with me still.

 

My feelings are all screwed up. I have a guy friend that I email all the time that I knew when I was in school. He is the only one that I email to. He knows a little and doesn't want to get in the middle but I am thinking about US being together. I am thinking about leaving my husband since he doesn't treat me well and finding a new life possibly with him. He has everything that I want. He is also a great man. I know I need to work on my marriage first before I even think of doing anything.

 

I look at my husband and see someone that I don't know anymore. I don't know what the right thing to do would be. Can you please give me advice? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Again, I have absolutely no-body to talk to.

 

Thanks for listening.

[mfrmboy]

You haft to make your own decision on leaving him.

Will he go to counseling?

Its good there are no kids involved it should make your decision

alot easier.

If your only 120 lbs that doesnt sound fat to me.

In the end you haft to do whats gonna make you happy, there is no

reason to live in misery.

Best wishes !

[sami]

Have you, him or both of you been checked? You need to know why you're not having children then take it from there..

[Pocky]

Originally posted by sami

Have you, him or both of you been checked? You need to know why you're not having children then take it from there..

 

 

 

 

Back to the problem - Have you discussed this with your husband? The fact that you're seriously contemplating divorce because you're so unhappy? He needs to be aware of what is happening and you need to be open and honest with him even if it's difficult. He needs to be an active participant in this evaluation of whether or not the marriage is going to be successful.

 

First step is to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Tell him what's wrong and tell him that it's not something that's just going to go away if you both ignore it. Tell him the marriage is in trouble and you both have to work together to fix it.

 

And stop considering the other guy, the other life away from your husband. Your life is married to this man. Focus on that first and when/if that changes then you can think of someone else. Comparing the two is just going to make things so much harder.

[Mom4]

First of all, don't even think about children right now. This would only complicate your marriage at this time. A baby would not "fix" anything.

 

Are you afraid of him? You need to find an individual counselor ASAP. You have been with this person for more than half your life. You can't possibly do this on your own. Some people believe counseling can be taboo but I believe everyone can benefit from some self exploration. Focus on you for a little while so you can figure out what you NEED to do.

 

Then approach the marriage... talk to him directly. If he is willing to work at it ... try... it may take some time and it won't happen over night. You need to decide what that amount of time is that you are willing to try. 2 months, 6 months, a year. You are in a position that a lot of us are not when we evaluate our marriages... no children. That allows you to really think more about your needs.

 

You have a job... If you have to you can support yourself.

 

Please, do not get involved with someone else even on an emotional level. It will just mess with your attempt to work at what you are dealing with at home. If this guy is a close friend who wants to be with you then he should respect you enough to let you work out your current situation. If it is meant to be it will. You will feel a lot better about yourself in the end. If you were to end up with this other man or anyone else you will have a better relationship because you would have done the work in your current one. You can grow as a person just from the experience.

 

Send one final email to your friend and tell him what you are going to do. Then get busy and do the work on your relationship at home. You will find your answer... most of all ... stay strong and love yourself.

[Miffy]

Please please please do not have children at the moment. They complicate things so much - I know I have two age 5 and 3 and put a strain even on the most stable relationship.

 

I would advise that you see a counsellor on your own just so you can air your personal needs in private, esp given that you have lost all friends.

 

Your man does not sound a great catch to be honest, but then there is always two sides to a story and of course you must have loved him once (even if not now) given the length of time you have been together. If you had been telling me all this and you had only been together a short while I would have said ditch him but as you have been together a long time its worth it for your own peace of mind to give it one more try.

 

You may have issues yourself regarding lonliness etc. which you are burdening onto your husband or there may be things which a counsellor can help you see in a different way. Don't misunderstand I am not saying you are wrong, just that it is worth exploring the other side of the coin before moving on. A counsellor or possibly a life coach will help you explore these issues.

 

Then once you are ready suggest to your husband that you both see a counsellor, discuss the issues with him and explain that you are not happy but that you want to save your relationship. If he is worth anything he will want to work at it too, if not you can then leave the relationship knowing you tried everything possible but that it was never going to be what you wanted.

 

Re your old friends, no chance of getting in touch with them? I know you have moved but you could still keep in touch via email.

 

Anyway I wish you every happiness in your life, whether that life includes your husband or not

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I will echo the comments of others so far, in that you should NOT even think about having a child by this guy at this point. If you are not on birth control (a kind that YOU control, such as the pill), go on it NOW. Having a child by him will only serve to make him feel more powerful, and he will just feel like he can call you more names, worse names, belittle you more, and possibly even worse, because he will "have you right where he wants you". A child is not going to fix anything at this point, other than shift power in your relationship away from you, and to him.

 

Belittling you and calling you names is never ok (google "emotional abuse"). It sounds like your husband has a problem, that HE needs to deal with. Before he can make his choice on whether he wants to do that, however, you need to have a talk with him and tell him what he is doing, and that you are very unhappy and are even contemplating divorce (um, go on the birth control that you control, before you have that conversation). It is NOT enough if he then suddently becomes the man of your dreams for 3 weeks and then goes back to his old name-calling self-centered self. He needs to actually change (they all say that they will). Often this requires individual therapy for him, to deal with his problem.

 

As far as the guy friend goes, if you are still thinking about working on your marriage and you have not made a real decision to get out - don't go there. It isn't fair to anyone, especially your friend. If your husband is not the kind of man you can talk to, and who will understand your feelings, and he does not get serious about changing that, then eventually, you should get a divorce, and then pursue other avenues to move on, but this is not the time if you are still thinking about saving your marriage.

 

Right now, you have a marriage to fix, but you MUST tell him there is a problem (again, AFTER going on the birth control, because guys who get off on belittling their mates have been known to "make a mistake" if they see her slipping away), and start taking steps to fix it. If after a while it becomes clear that he is not serious about doing that, and that he still enjoys belittling you and calling you names and reverts back to his old habits (it's usually a cycle with these guys), go see a divorce attorney in your area.

[RecordProducer]

As a mother of two, I also agree that children complicate things in a great marriage and ruin everything in a marriage that is already not so good.

Nobody can tell you to leave your husband, because you should feel that decision with all your heart.

If you came here expecting that people will tell you to work on your marriage then it's what you want to do. But if deep down in your heart you feel like giving up on your marriage then it's what you will end up doing anyway.

A man in your shoes would probably think about divorce frequently. Men are more adventurous, independent, and easy on making changes in life so they find it very hard to be stuck in a relationship that's not satisfying.

Make a list of pros and cons staying vs. leaving your husband.

Do you love him? Do you enjoy the sex with him or do you feel that he only pleases himself while having sex? Do you still like doing things together? Do you feel stuck and depressed and dream about a different kind of life with somebody else?

You only have one life! Do whatever you think will be better for you. You are not obliged to either stay married or work on your marriage. Many divorced couples have been through marriage counselling and didn't work out.

Given that you don't have children with him, nobody can tell you what you SHOULD do. You're responsible for your own life and have a right to move on if you're unhappy.

I am not encouraging you to do anything. It must be your heart that will tell you what to do. Listen to your heart!