Buggin Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Once I put the details in writing, the decision seems obvious. Being in the situation, however, is different. The good: he works hard, makes good money, is a good provider. He says he loves me and wants us to stay married. He does nice things for me and is normally fairly affectionate. The bad: 3 affairs, obsessive money and time consuming hobby, spends little to no time with me, makes major financial decisions without me. We have absolutely nothing in common except for 30+ years together.... I'm lonely. We hardly even speak. I've left before, only to come back because of his promises to change, be better... but that's usually short lived. He CAN be wonderful, and equally awful. Why do I stay? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 30 years is a LOT of history but as you say some of that history is wonderful & some must of been excruciatingly awful for you. I've been with my H for over 25 years. I have a pretty good idea of what you're saying. Only you can answer that question though. Have you tried turning it around & listing the positives & negatives of being without him? Do you have children? Grandchildren? An extended family does make a difference. Some people mellow & become more sensitive with age...others get cranky & even harder to live with. I was a hapless romantic, deeply in love when we got married. The pain he has inflicted is beyond words. I have resentments....are they bad enough to divorce after all these years??? I know myself. I need to feel safe, secure & loved to be happy. Every infidelity, every financial irresponsibility, every cruel word adds-up.... I'm a people pleaser & the happiness of my loved ones brings me great joy. I look at my children & ask "Can I really do this to them? No more family holidays. No more family anything. Ugh!". I'm sorry that you're going through this. Real life is so more complicated than a simple list of positives & negatives. I wish I could give you some fantastic answer but I don't even know what I'm doing in my life. (((((Hugs))))) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Once I put the details in writing, the decision seems obvious. Being in the situation, however, is different. The good: he works hard, makes good money, is a good provider. He says he loves me and wants us to stay married. He does nice things for me and is normally fairly affectionate. The bad: 3 affairs, obsessive money and time consuming hobby, spends little to no time with me, makes major financial decisions without me. We have absolutely nothing in common except for 30+ years together.... I'm lonely. We hardly even speak. I've left before, only to come back because of his promises to change, be better... but that's usually short lived. He CAN be wonderful, and equally awful. Why do I stay? He CAN be wonderful, and equally awful -- There is nothing equal about 3 affairs . . . obsessive money and time consuming hobby, -- Divorce is expensive and time-consuming and would cost him money and take away from his hobby. because of his promises to change, be better -- He is who he is . . . he is not going to change. I'm lonely - I'd rather be alone than lonely with someone else . . . You cannot ask or hope or expect him to change. The only person you can change is you and not accept poor treatment or behavior from him anymore. Start setting aside some money for yourself. Open a credit card, that you do not use -- yet. If you aren't working, find yourself a job. Look into rental options/living arrangements -- make an exit plan and have it in place. Then you serve him with divorce papers. He has all the control -- take some back for yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 Lady, why are you asking anonymous people on an internet forum a question the answer of which you already know? Apparently you suffer from low self esteem to want to hang around a guy who does not respect you and who is controlling in the worst possible way. You are a prisoner of your own device as the words of the Eagles song Hotel California go. If you have been married 30 years then the way I see it is that it is 30 years too long. Do you work? Would you be able to support yourself on your income? Does your husband earn a good salary? Do you own a house together? Do you have children and are they in college or are they still school going? The fact is that you are responsible for your own life and your own destiny. If you choose to wallow in muck who can you blame? Not your husband because if you wanted out wild horses couldn't keep you back. Get some self respect. As someone said put away money, get your so called ducks in a row, contact a lawyer and surprise your husband with divorce papers when he least expects it and follow the advice of the lawyer in everything that you do from that moment onwards. Also buy or get a copy of the book 'Psycho-Cybernetics' by Dr. Maxwell Maltz. It is a self help book that will change the way you perceive yourself and will help you find success by being a new and better you than you had ever thought possible. So get off your b..t and get moving to a new and better future for yourself minus the albatross round your neck that your husband is. You will thank yourself a hundred fold for having taken this one small first step to your freedom. Yes freedom because that is what it is from the stifling confines of your toxic marriage. Cheers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 The good: he works hard, makes good money, is a good provider. He says he loves me and wants us to stay married. He does nice things for me and is normally fairly affectionate. The bad: 3 affairs, obsessive money and time consuming hobby, spends little to no time with me, makes major financial decisions without me. We have absolutely nothing in common except for 30+ years together.... Interesting how contradictory your list of pluses and minuses is: 3 affairs = he loves me and wants us to stay married obsessive money and time consuming hobby = normally fairly affectionate spends little to no time with me = He does nice things for me makes major financial decisions without me = he works hard, makes good money, is a good provider. How can both sets of facts be true ??? Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 20, 2016 Share Posted October 20, 2016 (edited) Agreed. Very contradictory. Thirty years is a lot of shared history and I can appreciate that the thought of leaving and living on your own is daunting, but I would much rather be on my own than in a relationship with someone who cheats on me, doesn't talk to me, and doesn't consult me in major life decisions. That doesn't sound like much of a marriage or partnership to me. No doubt you are lonely. It sounds like a financial arrangement to share living expenses. A man who truely loves you and respects you as a wife and life partner would not do any of those things... Edited October 20, 2016 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 If 3 affairs was my husband's definition of love, then I'd happily give it a miss. Why do you think he'll stop at 3, when you have shown you'll accept it? The money and everything almost seem irrelevant, when he's had 3 affairs. After the first affair I presume he saw how devastated you were, yet he went and did it 2 more times that you are aware of. Are you sure that time consuminghobby isn't another woman. I very much believe that people treat you how you allow them to, when you don't deliver any consequences. Do you think he'd still be with you if you'd had 3 affairs? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lion Heart Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 You stay because: * you have believed his bs * WH "appears" to be fine on the surface (see NPD) * you've complicitly minimized his 3 affairs, just as he wanted you to. NPD. These people can be masterful manipulators. WH is getting exactly what he wants ie you behaving as you're told to. * there are no real consequences at all for all his affairs and behaviours, so he's just having a lark. * you must be getting something out of the M or otherwise you'd be done. 30y is a long time I agree. Trapped in such Ms I have compared to people getting less incarceration for criminal offenses. Now to you... I'm very sorry you've had a torrid time. I can't believe the angst you must have been through. I guess you could say you're in Reconciliation. But with an unremorseful serial cheater. That's not "Reconciliation", it's simply legally M to a wayward husband who has no intention of changing. Basically you're expected to "turn a blind eye" to anything. So you have 2 choices - your WH is never going to change. He simply doesn't have to. 1. Stay and learn how to put up with it all. 2. Leave and not have to. Believe me I know how difficult it is to UNTANGLE yourself from such creatures. I'm still DETANGLING near 2y after my D Day. ExWH is doing badly, not accepting the divorce proceedings etc. I'm great lol. IC could help you cope with staying or help you leave. Best wishes Lion Heart Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 I agree that besides the 3 affairs, your description of your marriage is so contradictory it's hard to understand the actual situation. Does he provide for your well, in-spite of being bad with money? Does he not give you enough, time but when he does he's very affectionate? Or are you just being generous in your positives, to try and convince yourself against the obvious, that he is just dragging down every part of your life? 30 years is a long time and marriages have ups and downs... are we talking that the marriage was great for 25 years, and it's "only" been bad for the last 5, or have you been dealing with this mess for most of the time? No answers, just some questions to ask yourself, about what you are getting out of the marriage today, and what you are keeping sacred from the past. Link to post Share on other sites
OneLov Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 OP, What age did you begin dating? If it was post high-school, did you date any else as an adult before you met your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 I have had to make difficult choices myself about staying married- you need to list both sides....... That is you make a list of your husbands plus and minus - but how about you make a list of what the plus and minus would be if you divorced and were on your own ? See its easy to list your spouses faults or your marriage faults - but you need to list what you think awaits you if you leave. Simple right ? What does being divorced and single look like to you ? Also you may ask yourself "what would I do if I was divorced with my life ?" and then ask yourself "Can I do any of that while still married?" In other words you change - you do what you want to - and the heck with your spouse if they don't like it - they can divorce you. Link to post Share on other sites
afoolto no end Posted November 1, 2016 Share Posted November 1, 2016 welcome, Yours is a very sad story, your husband does not respect your marriage or you. Words are easy to say, but his inaction to change the awful part of himself should tell you this will be your life if you don't do something drastic to wake him up. I think the first thing you do is go speak to a lawyer and find out what your rights are in terms of the financials. You need to know. Then you should find yourself a place to rent for now and make plans to move out. You just tell him, this is not what you signed up for.. Unless he changes and respects everything about you and your marriage, you aren't spending any more of your time alone in the marriage. If he choses his activities and his life you will have your answer... This time you stay away until you see change for a good long period of time if your interested in saving this marriage. Have him served divorce papers.......he needs a huge wake up call. Insist on therapy for him and you two together..... All the things that are awful are the parts that aren't married, he doesn't consider you a partner...he does not view you as important enough to respect on those levels. He may be to far gone for change, but this is no way for you to live your life, your wasting your life for what for someone that cheats on you.... It's time for you this time......I would start by doing what you want do the 180 on him, get yourself strong......go out with friends.....do what you want ... He will notice eventually...dont' answer his texts, phone calls let him wait he needs to know you are going to leave him... show him a good picture of what his life would be without you, don't be there for those things. let him feel it..... It's a tough decision I know but what another 30 of the same....pick yourself up and start your new life today, if he changes he can come if he doesn't his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted November 3, 2016 Share Posted November 3, 2016 Once I put the details in writing, the decision seems obvious. Being in the situation, however, is different. The good: he works hard, makes good money, is a good provider. He says he loves me and wants us to stay married. He does nice things for me and is normally fairly affectionate. The bad: 3 affairs, obsessive money and time consuming hobby, spends little to no time with me, makes major financial decisions without me. We have absolutely nothing in common except for 30+ years together.... I'm lonely. We hardly even speak. I've left before, only to come back because of his promises to change, be better... but that's usually short lived. He CAN be wonderful, and equally awful. Why do I stay? Someone who has had three affairs does not love you. He has also been financially unfaithful. I suspect you stay because you have become accustomed to a comfortable lifestyle. It's also too scary for you to think of being single after over three decades together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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