How soon did you know they were "the one"?

[Sand to Glass]

Hey there So I'm in a bit of a chaotic state and I'd like some real stories to bring me back down to earth. I'm posting here because I don't just want dating advice... I want to hear from real people in real long term relationships.

 

Fact is, I've met the most wonderful man, and a rarity for my age group - a hard working, gentle, honest, loving soul who absolutely adores me (as I do him.) He has the old fashioned chivalry without stepping on my new age feminist self. We are 27 and 32 (I'm younger), so we're not kids but I know, at least for me, I don't feel "fully established" with adult life (I just bought a house and started paying utilities lol).

 

We're only a few months in... and I'm pregnant. To be clear this isn't a question about that. But obviously it has me frazzled. I know I love this man. I know he loves me. I know he'd be a fantastic father. The members of my family who've met him, love him. My heart says that if I choose to keep this pregnancy, there's no partner better for me.

 

But my analytical side is absolutely freaking out that there's no WAY I could be sure... I keep waiting for the ball to drop, the confetti to settle, and something to kick me in the rear. My only other significant relationship was incredibly abusive, which keeps me cautious... do things ever line up this perfectly?

 

A little help?

[Mr. Lucky]

A little help?

 

I don't think there is "the one".

 

And to me, that's good news. There's a whole subset of people out there, all compatible to you. The danger of holding out for the "one" means you miss all the other eligible candidates, each different in their own quirky and wonderful ways.

 

The trick is appreciating what you have rather than longing for what you have not. Congratulations on your relationship and pregnancy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Satu]

There is no such thing as "The One," but there are lots of good people with good intentions. If you've found one of the good ones, enjoy it.

 

Good luck with the baby

[GorillaTheater]

I agree with Lucky. As a general rule I don't think there's a "One" either. But I will say that there has so far been just "one' for me. I've been pretty much besotted with my wife since I laid eyes on her when we were 16 and 18, 36 years ago.

 

 

But even if she is my "one", that doesn't mean that the road has always been smooth or easy, because it hasn't. Life happens and reality intrudes, one or not.

[Mr. Lucky]

But even if she is my "one", that doesn't mean that the road has always been smooth or easy, because it hasn't. Life happens and reality intrudes, one or not.

 

In the case of my ex wife, she was the "one" - that I never should have married...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gemma1]

As long as there are similar core values, sexual attraction, and commitment, I think it can work out with a lot of people. What's really difficult to find is someone who is willing to work just as hard as you are. If you have that, it will probably work out.

[eightytwenty]

I was in your spot about a year and a half ago, same age also. Dated a guy, we loved each other, found out we were pregnant. House, new truck, and a good amount of bills. I choose to keep the baby (told him he could be there or not I didn't care, but pick now) well he stayed and we've had ups and downs, but its been a awesome ride.

[Sand to Glass]

Thanks all You're right there's not really "only one out there" but I wasn't sure how else to fit my question into the text limit of the headline I guess just seeing everything happening quickly and being completely content and happy with him, now, no pros and cons list, no sacrificing myself to make us work, seeing a future... it is a weird feeling to have someone go from completely random stranger to someone so important in such a short span.

[TrustedthenBusted]

The day I met my wife I knew we would end up in a relationship, and I figured she'd be the one I would marry. It was like I already knew ( most ) of what would happen.

 

And I was a serial bachelor at the time.

[Mr. Lucky]

it is a weird feeling to have someone go from completely random stranger to someone so important in such a short span.

 

You are breaking the "four seasons" rule, shouldn't commit to someone without a year under your belt. But a baby takes precedence, have to make things work for your child.

 

Can I assume you've done the easy things? Met his friends? Met his family? Has he been married before? Does he have kids? Financially stable? Criminal record? Hoping you've checked a few things off the list...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

As long as there are similar core values, sexual attraction, and commitment, I think it can work out with a lot of people. What's really difficult to find is someone who is willing to work just as hard as you are. If you have that, it will probably work out.

 

This is a good way to put it.

 

If you have those elements mentioned above, you can get through the other details and trials and tribulations that life throws at you.

 

I also do not believe there is a "the one."

 

I think it boils down to are you generally compatible and do you each want to be together enough to make it work through the tough times.

[BaileyB]

Also don't believe there is "one person"...

 

But, I know from the moment that I met my boyfriend, I really liked him. And, I have searched and searched for a really long time. I had resigned myself to think that I would not find anyone with whom I felt really compatible. And, then I met my boyfriend. We both feel pretty blessed to have found this relationship at a time when we were both unsure if it would ever happen... I'm not going to let this opportunity go, that's for sure!

 

Best of luck to you with the relationship and the baby.

Edited September 20, 2016 by BaileyB

[Sand to Glass]

You are breaking the "four seasons" rule, shouldn't commit to someone without a year under your belt. But a baby takes precedence, have to make things work for your child.

 

Can I assume you've done the easy things? Met his friends? Met his family? Has he been married before? Does he have kids? Financially stable? Criminal record? Hoping you've checked a few things off the list...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes I've done my homework on him, promise. He gets checkmarks all around... Nice family, good co-workers, completely stable. There are 2 kids from a previous marriage, we simply haven't gotten to the meet & greet because it was too early yet. But from what I've seen, the kids are well adjusted good kids, and he and the ex work fine on shared custody. They are old enough to recognize I'm "dad's girlfriend" so we didn't want to do that quite this early... however I think we just made the introductions a tad more complicated.

[Gemma1]

How far along are you?

 

I'd be spending the pregnancy really getting to know him in the deepest way possible. Some good things to flush out are: finances - will they be merged? How much spending is ok without running it by the other person? your views on opposite sex friends, exes, what happens if someone develops a crush (this WILL happen), how much time out with friends is okay after baby comes, stances on traveling alone, strip clubs, porn, bachelor parties...these are some of the things that cause problems because often they don't come up until someone has "transgressed" in a way that they didn't even view as a transgression, and a fight ensues.

 

Basically...talk talk TALK. My H and I love hypotheticals and run through them all the time. It really helps to have a plan for everything and to really know your spouse's stance on everything.

[Sand to Glass]

How far along are you?

 

I'd be spending the pregnancy really getting to know him in the deepest way possible. Some good things to flush out are: finances - will they be merged? How much spending is ok without running it by the other person? your views on opposite sex friends, exes, what happens if someone develops a crush (this WILL happen), how much time out with friends is okay after baby comes, stances on traveling alone, strip clubs, porn, bachelor parties...these are some of the things that cause problems because often they don't come up until someone has "transgressed" in a way that they didn't even view as a transgression, and a fight ensues.

 

Basically...talk talk TALK. My H and I love hypotheticals and run through them all the time. It really helps to have a plan for everything and to really know your spouse's stance on everything.

 

Very early yet, I just figured it out a few days ago. Six weeks, tops? Thank you for the suggestions, those are very good ideas. We talked a bit about insurance, living arrangements, but haven't hashed out plans; these are things we should definitely discuss.

[Scarletwolf]

Trust your instincts. They are almost always right. I'd say 99 percent of the time.

[LastAcorn99]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I don’t believe in the concept of a soul mate, but I firmly believe in the stability of relationships that are grounded in mutual love and respect and commitment despite all imperfections. Also, when we are confused about a person we’re considering, how our family and loved ones respond to that person in question can give us a good second opinion. I hope things turn out for the best for you. Take care!

[Bufo]

Nobody ever can check all the boxes. My advice to my daughter was as follows.

 

First, does he work and will he continue to do so?

 

Second, will he be involved in the lives of children or leave those endless tasks to you?

 

Third, will he be a good husband or spend his time with his buddies, or at the bar, or chasing women? Will he be content with you even when your are at your least loveable?

 

Fourth, where is he on the scale of attraction to you?

 

Mr. Right doesn't have to be perfect. That person doesn't exist. But you have to plan for the long haul. As the Beatles once asked: will you need me will you still feed me when I'm 64?

 

Finally, what does he think about the long haul?

[BettyDraper]

Yes I've done my homework on him, promise. He gets checkmarks all around... Nice family, good co-workers, completely stable. There are 2 kids from a previous marriage, we simply haven't gotten to the meet & greet because it was too early yet. But from what I've seen, the kids are well adjusted good kids, and he and the ex work fine on shared custody. They are old enough to recognize I'm "dad's girlfriend" so we didn't want to do that quite this early... however I think we just made the introductions a tad more complicated.

 

Normally, I would agree that meeting your partner's children should not be rushed. However, you are carrying their half sibling so that complicates the matter. It seems like a red flag that a father of two wouldn't be more cautious, when becoming a father for the third time with a woman he doesn't know very well.

 

I hope you are correct in your belief that your boyfriend is "the one" because it isn't easy to blend a family....especially when a baby is going to be brought into the mix. In most cases, true love takes time to blossom and lifelong commitments should not be made in the first flush of limerence.

[Sanman]

As long as there are similar core values, sexual attraction, and commitment, I think it can work out with a lot of people. What's really difficult to find is someone who is willing to work just as hard as you are. If you have that, it will probably work out.

 

 

This. I would caution you OP, being a father and being a husband are two different things. If he is a good man, he will hopefully be a good father regardless of whether you two end up together. Marriage requires him being compatible with you not your just your child. Even if you are both good-hearted people, it is not going to work out well if both of you want to be the breadwinner and expect the other to take care of the house or vice versa. You need to be compatible as a couple and not just as parents if you both have a hope of being happy. This long and hard about that.

[Shepp]

do things ever line up this perfectly?

No

There is no perfect

Don't waste time you could spend being happy searching for perfect

 

I do believe in the one, although i don't believe in perfect, at least not in the fairytale way - I believe in perfect moments, i believe in risking average & safe for perfect moments. I believe in good people, not perfect people, but people with perfect intentions and I believe in cutting those people some slack when they make mistakes and hoping they'll grant you the same.

 

I guess what i'm saying is lifes unpredictable, you can know someone 10 years or 10 days and still cant guarantee what they'll do, you can plan out your life down to the finest detail and then something can blindside you at 4pm on a Tuesday and turn your world upside down.

 

I married young, under circumstances i guess a lot of people would find unconventional ...someone questioned my sanity on here once and a poster wrote something that stayed with me - she said, life's so short, and if he;s happy right this very second then who are we to begrudge him a single second of that happiness!

 

Its true right, you have to do what makes you happy, of course think about the future, but not at the complete expense of what you feel in your heart right now, because ultimately the futures never completely in our hands anyway

[ShatteredLady]

The problem with chasing happiness is it often comes at the expense of others lives & sanity!! Yes average, boring & safe can sound like a waste of life but if you're talking about family & marriage there will always be just 'blah' times.

 

Without the security, the better & WORSE, the true meaningful deep enduring love doesn't stand a chance.

 

Moments can be very fleeting.

 

There are many truly evil people who could argue they were following their inalienable right to happiness.

[mikeylo]

After our first most horrific fight. Yeah, you read that right! The butterflies days are always good but it's the fights that are one of the deciding factors if you can make through together or not, apart from other things like personalities , compatibility etc.

That just put the nail in the coffin and i knew we were one.

[Sand to Glass]

I wanted to thank everyone who commented, and update. Things are going well. He's met more of my family bit by bit, and we finally did the introductions with his kids not long ago, which went really well. Even their mom (the ex) is fairly content so I think that's good sign for long term. However, just about the time we were going to announce the pregnancy to family, we lost it. That was the worst thing I've ever had to experience, but I guess it gives us the opportunity to slow back down to normal dating couple... not really an "upside" considering, but it is what it is.

 

So I guess the new challenge is learning the dynamics between our relationship and his with his kids', now that we've met (totally new territory for me). His weekends have always been total kid time, which I'm fine with (it's actually really sweet to me), but I guess I'll be getting included bit by bit. Advice?

[BettyDraper]

I wanted to thank everyone who commented, and update. Things are going well. He's met more of my family bit by bit, and we finally did the introductions with his kids not long ago, which went really well. Even their mom (the ex) is fairly content so I think that's good sign for long term. However, just about the time we were going to announce the pregnancy to family, we lost it. That was the worst thing I've ever had to experience, but I guess it gives us the opportunity to slow back down to normal dating couple... not really an "upside" considering, but it is what it is.

 

So I guess the new challenge is learning the dynamics between our relationship and his with his kids', now that we've met (totally new territory for me). His weekends have always been total kid time, which I'm fine with (it's actually really sweet to me), but I guess I'll be getting included bit by bit. Advice?

 

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm glad that you were able to see the silver lining.

 

Just take it slow with your boyfriend's children. Don't try to be a mother to them. Allow the children to set the pace of how close you are to them. They will always come first.