billbobb Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Ever since we've been married, our marriage has been hard. Tons of finacial and extended family stress has been a constant theme in our marriage. I in no way want to cheat on my wife, or have anybody in mind to cheat with. I don't crave to date other people at all. In fact I just want to be alone. I want to see what I can do on my own. This is in no way a reflection on my wife. She really is a great person. We have a two year old son, who's perfect in everyway. And I absolutely love having my wife as his mother. She is an amazing mother. I totally get along with my wife and she is more than perfect in every way, but the stress of our marriage has made me so sad. And I know every marriage has ups and downs, but our marriage has been a constant struggle. Besides the birth of our beautiful son, there have been no ups after 9 years of marriage. I can't ever remember being happy or content or peaceful in this marriage. At times, I find myself sitting outside my house in my car just to stall going inside my own home. Recently I think I realized I want out when I had a week stay in a hospital after I became ill with a virus. I absolutely loved staying in a cold hospital room when compared to being home. I was constantly being poked with IV's, eating horrible hospital food, constantly laying in an uncomfortable hospital bed and I still didn't look forward to being discharged because I didn't want to go home to my unbearable marriage. A few months ago I realized how unhappy I was and started taking a tally of good days to bad days. Almost every week I had almost 5 to 6 days of being unhappy, compared to just 1 or 2 days of being happy. Thoughts and suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Sounds to me as though you have both become complacent. Happy marriages take work. It takes effort. You speak really highly of your wife. You obviously admire her. Perhaps now is the time to up the anti a bit here and try to figure out what is missing. Try reading about the 5 love languages and also try dating again. Take time out just for the pair of you and plan fun things to do both together and as a family. It doesn't cost money to have fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Grow up big boy. Life's, marriage, and family is tough. You have to make your own happiness. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Standard-Fare Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 You describe your wife as "more than perfect in every way" and a wonderful mother, which suggests that you still love and respect her. Meanwhile you're blaming the unhappiness of your marriage on external factors of stress. First of all, consider the fact that your wife must also be unhappy - probably just as unhappy as you - with these stress factors. Have you two found any effective ways to deal with the emotions of this as a couple? Is it worth working on through therapy, maybe? Do you guys make a point of planning fun/relaxing diversions... vacations, exercise, day trips, etc? Secondly, think about which of these stress factors would simply continue for you in your theoretical "single life." I'm guessing many of them. Even if the family issues are on her side, you're still going to be dealing with those in some way as separated/divorced father. And the financial issues could possibly get worse with a divorce. Add to that the other stresses of divorce - custody issues, splitting of resources, etc. If it's true that you're still in love with your wife, it seems worth working on this, especially with a young child involved. But maybe you're not giving us the whole picture, and your unhappiness is more directly linked to your wife herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I'd say fight for it if a year or two in you weren't happy. Your spouse doesn't have to be an evil troll for you to be a mismatch together. You don't have to have a bitter divorce. I left in the middle of the night with only my clothes and filed for divorce. I saw the rest of my future being unhappy and miserable and I finally left and was in peace and never regretted it. My Ex husband and I remain friends and speak once per year. I'd start with a separation. Sit and talk. Voice that you aren't happy. Get a co- parenting plan in place during the separation. Live somewhere else and figure out what you truly want to do. No one Is obligated to stay in a situation that isn't fulfilling. Link to post Share on other sites
RedBaron2765 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I feel the same way - my wife was out of town a few weeks ago with friends for several days so it was the kids and me for that time. It was great - no wife complaining about how whiny the kids are, not having to hear her talk to her idiot sister who whines about everything. Just the kids and me having fun. I would get a divorce except that I don't trust the wife not to forget things (brushing their teeth, etc) because she's too tired or trust her not to tell the kids what a bad guy Daddy is. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustedthenBusted Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 A few months ago I realized how unhappy I was ... Thoughts and suggestions? What have YOU done about it? What are your hobbies? Interests? Activities? Who are your friends? Are they a generally happy group, or a whiny one? What is your child involved in? Where do you take him? What do you show him? What do you teach him? How is he experiencing the world around him, based on YOUR choices? How is your wife experincing the world around her based on YOUR choices? You think marriage is the problem. It isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I feel the same way - my wife was out of town a few weeks ago with friends for several days so it was the kids and me for that time. It was great - no wife complaining about how whiny the kids are, not having to hear her talk to her idiot sister who whines about everything. Just the kids and me having fun. I would get a divorce except that I don't trust the wife not to forget things (brushing their teeth, etc) because she's too tired or trust her not to tell the kids what a bad guy Daddy is. That is not a legit reason to stay married to someone if you are truly that miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 A few months ago I realized how unhappy I was and started taking a tally of good days to bad days. Almost every week I had almost 5 to 6 days of being unhappy, compared to just 1 or 2 days of being happy. Thoughts and suggestions? Have you spoken to a doctor, counselor or therapist? If neither an "amazing/perfect" wife nor your own initiative can make you happy, you might want to address the underlying issues. You have some of the symptoms of depression, a very treatable condition. Would be a shame to waste your life like this... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 If you love your wife and son, wouldn't it be better to address the issues causing you to not be content, happy or peaceful in the marriage? Solve the problems rather than run away from them? It seems like running away will only create more problems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 It sounds like you don't want to be married because you can't cope with the responsibilities of life and think being single will relieve you of them and you'll only have to take care of yourself . I don't have any advice. It's up to you. Maybe talk to a therapist because you don't want to regret it later. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I think individual counselling would be a good start for you OP. All the issues you mentioned are not down to your wife. Unless the financial demands and stress come from HER side of the family. Is your wife happy? Are you still having an intimate relationship with her? Would you have shared custody of your son if you left? Children need responsible parents and not a dad who runs off to be on his own because life is tough. What would that be teaching him? Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 Don't just keep score. Be a sabremetrics analyst instead (google it under baseball if you're not familiar with it) and figure out what makes you happy or unhappy. I'm sure you've heard the saying happiness comes from within. What do you do to try to make her happy? Make that list noting frequency. The praise you wrote about her seems to outweigh the negatives. Her sister pounds on her and she needs some release. You don't even really have to listen to it. Just say yes dear I understand at suitable intervals as she just wants to blow off some steam. Think of it this way. If you were complaining to her about how tough it is to fit the piston rings into the hemi you're rebuilding in the garage, she probably wouldn't have a clue what you were talking about. But I'm sure she'd make sympathetic comments. And you'd feel better knowing you weren't a hopeless screwup in her eyes. And yes believe it or not caring for a toddler day in and day out can get tiring It's endless unpaid overtime. Chisel your way in and give her a break every now and then. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted August 30, 2016 Share Posted August 30, 2016 I forgot. Also get your medical records and find out what drugs you were being administered in the hospital. Whatever they were, they worked Link to post Share on other sites
Amy4663 Posted September 5, 2016 Share Posted September 5, 2016 After reading you post it sounds like you love and respect your wife and your family. Unfortunately, your story is not uncommon. I know of several couples whose relationships have been plagued by similar issues. However, there is hope. You can change your situation by focusing more on your 1-2 good days than on the bad and doing what you can to create more of those good days. That may mean counseling. Have you tried that? You could try a local church, and maybe start with individual counseling and then couple's counseling. Either way, it sounds like you have a marriage worth fighting for! Link to post Share on other sites
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