Explanations about a sudden drop in sex frequency: Am I being naive?

[yuv]

Explanations about a sudden drop in sex frequency: Am I being naive?

 

This is a long post and I apologize but I need to fully sketch out the background because I want input on a few questions posed below. I am new here and don’t know what is overly graphic, although I have been doing a lot of reading on these boards, so bear with me.

 

When my wife and I were dating, we had sex every day. She said then that "two ex-boyfriends" had told her that she had a "high libido." We each initiated sex 50% of the time. During the time we dated, she gained some weight and had a run of job stress. (I say this because it's an important detail later in the post. She is aware that I don't care about the weight gain.)

 

These things did not affect the frequency, or who initiated, sex. When we were dating, she asked me if my desired frequency of sex was indeed every day, and I replied yes, it was. She replied that hers was "3 or 4 times a week." I thought that an _extremely_ odd thing to say, but I had been with women (plural) who said that sex was something they could take or leave, didn't really care so much about, yet they initiated sex CONSTANTLY. I took this remark the same way I had taken it in two other cases: words simply didn't match actions. I asked her "if we get married, will our sexual frequency drop below 3 to 4 times a week?” She answered “no.”

 

The day after our wedding... (you guessed it!) sex dropped to two or three times per week, me initiating 100% of the time. It was almost like some sort of joke. I literally had to beg for sex the next _morning_. After my wedding night! I knew something was wrong, so I asked her about it and hit these forums. I got the book “sexless marriage” as has been suggested here. When she and I talked, I got an explanation that she’s out of shape and is feeling stress in her job. I explained that these things had been ongoing and hadn’t affected things before, and besides, how could she be claiming being “out of shape” had anything to do with it when I literally do ALL the work? (She prefers missionary). All I got was eye rolling, sarcasm, and no resolution. That “high libido” her exes described, she now admitted, might not have been accurate. "I'm good for 2 or 3 times a week," she countered. Good for? 2 or 3? Is this a race to the bottom?

 

The book Sexless Marriage doesn’t really help ME understand her. I totally for the life of me cannot understand why if you purport to like sex you’d say you only want to have it “3 or 4 times a week.” Huh?? Let’s review. You like it. Gotcha. You only want it every other day. What?? So, I asked her about it. More eye rolling. She did say that it’s “like riding a rollercoaster,” so I asked if that meant it’s fun but makes you sick. No, she said, and proceeded to get angry. If not every day, why not be _somewhat_ sexual? Why not oral, which she loved to receive on a daily basis when we were dating? Again, this “exhausted” explanation. Too exhausted to have an orgasm? Too exhausted to literally lie back, unmoving, and be lapped? I have not shared the book yet, as I have been hesitating to do so. The book does not quite hit the nail on the head describing me: it talks about emotional needs, and sure, I’d include that, but it’s a bit more. I need to drink water every day to maintain a healthy body. Similarly, sex every day reflects and maintains the state of the relationship (or at least it did in my world before I met her.) Saying something akin to “I’d prefer to drink water 3 or 4 times a week” baffles me. Must I be in the right so-called “mood” to hug and kiss my wife? Should perhaps I try loving her 3 or 4 times a week, not every day? I literally cannot fathom this.

 

I have often said that men separate love and sex before marriage, and women separate them after marriage.

 

I asked her tonight if she finds me less desirable. No, she says, going back to the old “out of shape and job stress.” I again pointed out that these were in place when we dated, and didn’t seem to impact us. She then jumped on me because “it sounds like you expect sex every day.” I tried to communicate that it’s confusing when you are in fact having it every day, and then it stops, and that my questions here are “why did you stop initiating?” and “never mind having it every day, why don’t you DESIRE it every day?”

 

Help me fill in the blanks, folks. I just don’t see the Sexless Marriage book hitting all the cylinders. Some, maybe. I know I’m thick headed in this department... Why is sexuality the one area that’s allowed to be on again, off again? An integral part of life and love, and many of us thin kit’s fine to yank it out and say “see this one thing? You have to be in the mood for it, and you’re bad if you think it’s an integral part of a loving relationship, because it’s optional. It’s okay to expect love and commitment in marriage, but not physical union, never mind even expecting a desire for it”

 

My wife insists this has nothing to do with desire, and said tonight that she’ll start exercising. I asked outright if orgasm is really so draining (remember, during some sex acts, I am the one doing, she is receiving.) She got angry again. So I don’t leave anything relevant out, she won’t get her Testosterone checked, and no longer masturbates (she _used_ to, at least once per week).

 

Am I deluding myself believing things will change? Did she maybe decide to keep up an act until marriage? Am I a fool to believe that desire really has zero to do with it, and all of a sudden, the being out of shape and the job stress are the problems? We have been married five months. To this day, I have never received a straightforward answer as to why everything changed the day after we got married.

 

She resents that we seem to have this conversation periodically (three times we have addressed these same points.) I think she’d let the book collect dust, but I’ll give it a try if that’s what people think (remember, this isn’t a case of “it couldn’t hurt.” It very well COULD hurt things, and boost resentment through the roof.) We try to keep communication open, but handing a book over is more of a mandate.

 

I appreciate any input especially from women who can explain if any of the reasons my wife gives are believable.

[moimeme]

Um. How long did you date before you married?

 

But more importantly, 3-4 times a week does NOT make a marriage 'Sexless'!!!!! There isn't a dating couple that doesn't spend a few months climbing all over each other every moment they can. It wears off for most couples - if nothing else, because other things need to be done in life.

 

It's unfortunate that she led you to believe that she'd want it more, but maybe she thought she would. Perhaps she thought that early-relationship horniness would last longer.

 

At any rate, be happy you're getting it that often and visit Rosie Palmer and her Five Sisters the rest of the time. Oh, you could get her to read the book (though it is for literally sex less marriages - as in people not having sex for weeks or months at a time) or go to a counsellor, but it's highly likely it would do you no good. You'll find very few women who'll consistently want sex every single day for months and years on end and I promise you right now there are a lot of men reading your post and pulling their hair out because they can't get it even once a week, some once a month, and even some once a year.

 

I don't know what planet you've been living on but you mustn't ever read or hear any health news to do with human sexuality. If you did, everything I just wrote would be redundant to you.

[li'l bunny]

I agree, 3-4 times a week is quite a lot in an average marriage. I myself would want to have sex every day or every few hours if I had my way but with my H usually once every few days is enough.

 

Anyway, I wasn't always like that. I went through a period when I first got married of not wanting sex at all. This lasted two years. I don't know what made me feel like that. The whole big huge change in my life maybe. The thought that I would never be single again, my life would never be the same again. Once I got used to this and relaxed, stopped getting annoyed with the little stupid things he used to do (or not do) around the house I wanted it all the time.

 

The reality is, if she has a full time job, and has to look after the house, maybe she just wants to relax and watch the tv when she comes home, and then go to sleep. Maybe she doesn't want to have sex everynight. I used to find it exhausting even kissing my H for awhile.

 

Anyway, I think you should give her a break...try cooking her a romantic dinner. Is your need for sex making you ignore her other needs of intimacy? Men always seem to associate intimacy with sex whereas women feel they would like to cuddle more. I used to be afraid to do anythign with my H because he always expected it to lead to sex, which wasn't what I wanted. Maybe this is why she doesn't initiate anything??

 

Also, there is a book called the five languages of love that people have mentioned here before. I read it and thought it was very good. Maybe you could get it and explain to your wife that you're langauge of love is physical. She might want you to TELL her everyday that you love her but you might want her to sex with you everyday, that that is how she should tell you she loves you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Could be any number of things:

 

hormonal (low sex drive due to hormone imbalance - where sex isn't even considered or thought about in the mind, much less done physically)

emotional (depression, anxiety, stress)

physical (weight, body image)

personal (someone for whom sex is part of the hunt and not necessary after the kill, and she just doesn't like having to do it when she doesn't feel she 'needs' to)

 

Whatever it is, you'll need to figure out what it is and what it [/i]isn't[/i]. Treating for one thing, while leaving another untreated or unaddressed will likely just make the problem worse. What won't work is begging/pleading/bargaining - you already know she isn't going to do it, now its time to find out why and address that and work out some possible compromises/coping mechanisms.

 

Have you two considered any marriage counseling or therapy to talk not about the sex problems necessarily but how they are affecting your relationship?

[moimeme]

? I don't get it, Lucrezia. You think all women have sex daily and therefore this woman needs to have herself checked out??????

[Ladyjane14]

Sex every day isn't a reasonable expectation. That's only reasonable in the beginnings of the relationship when the physiological aspects of "falling in love" are in play....you know, hormones and pheromones.

 

The average for young married people is probably 3-4 times a week, and more like once or twice a week towards middle age.

 

Further, she's rolling her eyes at you because statements like, "I asked if that meant it’s fun but makes you sick" and "I asked outright if orgasm is really so draining" are really coming off as smart-a$$. It's just inflammatory criticism. Really, unless you have an honest wish to hear her POV, then it's NOT really a discussion, is it?

 

Your young wife did not mislead you or trap you into marriage. This is just the way women work. Our bodies are subject to hormonal changes on a monthly basis. Our need for procreation as human animals is not consistant like it often is for men.

 

As far as exhaustion is concerned, that's sometimes valid. When we're tired or stressed, our libido is the first to suffer. We don't have the sexual drive programmed by nature that men do. Testosterone levels for women rise usually about twice a month, right before ovulation and right before menstruation.

 

While it's important for both partners to have satisfaction in their sexual relationship, it's also important for their expectations to be reasonable and to show understanding for each other's needs.

 

Your best bet in resolving any issue, this one included, is to find compromise that is satisfactory to you both, and to keep your communications open and focused on the issues at hand.

[FolderWife]

marriage makes it boring. My friend and her fiance dated over a year, and were so hot for each other they did it all the time.

 

But I visited her a month after her wedding, and she said that it wasn't as exciting any more...she didn't have to be quiet, they didn't sneak behind a building to do it, they didn't have to try to NOT do it...they were married. Now, instead of sex being fun and sexy, it was expected and required.

 

Also, sex is a priority before marriage. YOu have to plan on it. You have to book a hotel, you have to find a place to park, you have to be sneaky...after marriage, you can just walk to the bedroom, take your clothes off and do it.

 

My sex drive has plumeted lately. We were doing it about three times a week, but work stress made me not want it at ALL for the past week....that and I'm sick of blow jobs

 

Also, birth control, or other medications can interefere with libido.

[Something Blue]

Originally posted by yuv

Why is sexuality the one area that’s allowed to be on again, off again? An integral part of life and love, and many of us thin kit’s fine to yank it out and say “see this one thing? You have to be in the mood for it, and you’re bad if you think it’s an integral part of a loving relationship, because it’s optional. It’s okay to expect love and commitment in marriage, but not physical union, never mind even expecting a desire for it”

 

I totally for the life of me cannot understand why if you purport to like sex you’d say you only want to have it “3 or 4 times a week.” Huh?? Let’s review. You like it. Gotcha. You only want it every other day. What?? So, I asked her about it. More eye rolling. She did say that it’s “like riding a rollercoaster,” so I asked if that meant it’s fun but makes you sick. No, she said, and proceeded to get angry. If not every day, why not be _somewhat_ sexual? Why not oral, which she loved to receive on a daily basis when we were dating? Again, this “exhausted” explanation. Too exhausted to have an orgasm? Too exhausted to literally lie back, unmoving, and be lapped? I have not shared the book yet, as I have been hesitating to do so. The book does not quite hit the nail on the head describing me: it talks about emotional needs, and sure, I’d include that, but it’s a bit more. I need to drink water every day to maintain a healthy body. Similarly, sex every day reflects and maintains the state of the relationship (or at least it did in my world before I met her.) Saying something akin to “I’d prefer to drink water 3 or 4 times a week” baffles me. Must I be in the right so-called “mood” to hug and kiss my wife? Should perhaps I try loving her 3 or 4 times a week, not every day? I literally cannot fathom this.

 

Because people are different. And people change.

 

You compare your need for sex to your body's need for water in order to survive. That's fine, because that's probably how you truly view your need for sex. But consider this for a moment. Not EVERYBODY needs sex like they need water. Not EVERYBODY is exactly like you. Perhaps your wife views her need for sex to her need to have a Pepsi. She doesn't have to have a Pepsi every day in order for her life to be complete. Her body certainly doesn't NEED a Pepsi every day in order to survive. So she has a Pepsi every other day instead. Maybe some days she's too busy or stressed out to even remember to go to the fridge and get a Pepsi. Or maybe some days she feels sick and doesn't want a Pepsi. But when she does have a Pepsi, she likes it and enjoys it.

 

My point is that a person can like something and enjoy it, without needing it every day. It's completely normal that she has changed her frequency and doesn't want to have sex EXACTLY the same amount that she used to want when you were dating. People change. And people have different wants and needs.

 

I agree with the other posters that having sex 3-4 times a week is quite a bit for a married couple. And by no means does it make a marriage sexless. I'd imagine that your wife probably resents your conversations about all of this because she can't imagine for the life of her why you would label your marriage sexless when you guys have sex a lot more than most other married couples. Sure, you don't have sex as much as you did when you were dating, but that's NORMAL.

[yuv]

Thanks for the input on this so far. You folks are GREAT. This kind of discussion is what I _really_ want.

 

moimeme-

We dated a year.

"You'll find very few women who'll consistently want sex every single day for months" Well, I need to know this. I dated two that _did_.

 

"you mustn't ever read or hear any health news"

To reiterate what I posted: in the post I said she said she DESIRED 3 or 4 times per week. I typed that after we were married, she said "I'm good for 2 or 3 times a week," and that's what it was. At present it's once per week. This marriage, again, is 5 months old.

 

li'l bunny-We are not having sex 3 or 4 times per week. It's only what she said at the outset.

 

"if she has a full time job, and has to look after the house,"

FWIW looking after the house is 100% my job, which we both agreed to. I vacuum, clean, do laundry, wash dishes, for example.

 

"Maybe she doesn't want to have sex everynight."

Well, this is really the heart of my post. As I note, women separate love and sex after marriage. The two apparently aren't integral? one doesn't necessarily help build and sustain the other?

 

"I used to find it exhausting even kissing my H for awhile."

Believe it or not, although I cannot fathom this, it does help me to understand a little because it runs parallel to some of the things she says.

 

"Men always seem to associate intimacy with sex whereas women feel they would like to cuddle more."

We discussed this also; cuddling is _closeness_, not intimacy. Roommates can cuddle. Friends can cuddle. Intimacy is something entirely different. I have cuddled with my sister on occasion. I have not, however, been intimate with her. True intimacy is what sets the marriage relationship apart from other relationships.

 

"there is a book called the five languages of love"

Saw this mentioned in the forums and have ordered a copy. One website criticized it saying that they managed to fit a simple idea that could have been said in a few pages into an entire book, but I still very much want to read the book anyway. Is it something I should share with my wife, or would it be better to read it, guess which style is hers, and act accordingly? Does it take something away if I ask her to read the book and tell me her style?

 

LucreziaBorgia- see, this is exactly what I am looking for. We have indeed discussed counseling but only for ME. That is to say, I offered to go if she thought that the way I desire her is excessive or disordered. This is a new idea, counseling for how this is affecting our marriage. If there were a shot or pill that I could take every other day to make me indifferent and unloving to her (as if I were simply a roommate) I'd take it in a minute, believe it. I think I should wait until the next time we discuss it for me to offer to have us go to counseling because of how it is affecting us, and not go to counseling because of the presence or absence of love on alternating days.

 

Ladyjane14-Every day... I think I've covered that one.

 

"It's just inflammatory criticism. Really, unless you have an honest wish to hear her POV, then it's NOT really a discussion, is it?"

 

Well, help me out, then. I was under the impression that I should listen and repeat what she says back, then verbalize my understanding of what she has said. If someone said that sex is like a rollercoaster... Is there another way to interpret that? I offer oral to her while sheis reclined, but it's too much. So, what exactly is too strenuous about it? The orgasm itself?

Do you see what I'm saying? How else would communication take place? How else might I phrase these questions?

 

"and to keep your communications open and focused on the issues at hand.:

Agreed totally. Please can you can give me feedback about a better approach than my listen, repeat, interpret. I don't want brick walls between me and my wife.

 

"As far as exhaustion is concerned, that's sometimes valid." I need to hear this ladies as it helps validate what my wife is saying. I am only now beginning to understand these things. Remember, this is NEW to me. Two girlfriends and my fiancee (now wife) sent entirely different messages through their actions.

 

thanks all, please keep the feedback up

[Mz. Pixie]

It's funny you should mention this. I think some women do tend to "pour on the sex" before marriage- why I do not know.

 

The answer for your question over why your other g/f's wanted it every day in the past? They weren't married to you.

 

My BF says that his xwife was all about having sex everyday until they got married. Go figure.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by yuv

As I note, women separate love and sex after marriage. The two apparently aren't integral? one doesn't necessarily help build and sustain the other?

 

Yep. It's confusing, I know. Men can have a single sexual encounter and later say...."It's just sex", and that seems to work for them. They've separated love from sex in that incident. But after they've given their hearts and fallen in love, it's extremely difficult for them to separate love from sex in regards to the object of their affection. They need to feel sexually attractive to their mate in order to feel loved by her.

 

It's not that women never have similar trouble. But overall, we do a better job at separating the two, I think.

 

 

Well, help me out, then. I was under the impression that I should listen and repeat what she says back, then verbalize my understanding of what she has said. If someone said that sex is like a rollercoaster... Is there another way to interpret that? I offer oral to her while sheis reclined, but it's too much. So, what exactly is too strenuous about it? The orgasm itself?

Do you see what I'm saying? How else would communication take place? How else might I phrase these questions?

 

"Listen, Repeat, and Interpret" is a pretty good communication tool.....when you're actually doing it. When you are extrapolating additional information from the initial comments though, you're interpreting on comments that weren't initially there. When did she say anything about getting "sick" regarding the "rollercoaster" analogy? If she didn't say it, then it's an assumption on your part.

 

And as far as the "too strenuous" comment, you're free to say when something doesn't make sense to you. You can still be maintaining good communication, AND ask questions when the information you're getting doesn't compute. The trick is...not to take it into smart-a$$ territory.

 

When you're partner is having obvious trouble verbalizing a thought, it's perfectly okay to ask her for clarification or even to supply her with possible alternatives to her phrasing. You can say things like, "Are you too tired today? Is it physical 'tired' like you need to sleep? Or is it emotional 'tired' like you need to recharge? What can I do to help you with that?"

 

You're intent is to show a sincere desire to understand her viewpoint, which is a separate issue from providing her with your own. You've already shared your POV. "Listen, Repeat, and Interpret" is about reaching an understanding of hers.

 

I really liked Something Blue's analogy about water and Pepsi. Men and women are just different in the way that they think. The exploration of the differences is part of the journey.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Originally posted by moimeme

? I don't get it, Lucrezia. You think all women have sex daily and therefore this woman needs to have herself checked out??????

 

In the five months she's been married, she is now initiating sex 0% of the time, has 0% motivation to have sex, her frequency of having sex has dropped to once a week and even then its obligational as in 'agreeing to do it'. This is after a courtship that was highly sexual, with highly sexual previous relationships.

 

It isn't that she isn't having sex every day - its that she has completely lost any motivation to have sex at all. Does she need to have it checked out? Maybe, maybe not - but one thing is clear: it needs to be addressed in the context of this relationship. Even if it is 100% normal for her - it is not working for him. It needs to be working for both partners.

 

Is it normal to go from "sex as a result of desire" to "sex as an obligation" in just five months? Maybe for some people it is, but I just gave some possible explanations for the 'sexual bait and switch' in this relationship - it isn't unusual for that to happen.

 

Any marriage counseling would have to be about compromise and making it clear what each partner needs, and learning to communicate those needs.

[moimeme]

I note, women separate love and sex after marriage. The two apparently aren't integral? one doesn't necessarily help build and sustain the other?

 

Actually, no, it's the other way 'round. Being tired or irritated or in any way disconnected can chop the libido off as fast as Lorena's knife chopped off her husband's tingly bits. She *has* to feel loved to be horny. There are some women who can just go straight to horniness but it's not the majority.

 

We discussed this also; cuddling is _closeness_, not intimacy

 

Roommates can cuddle. Friends can cuddle

 

Oh my dear. You have so much to learn!!! Lovers must cuddle. Physical intimacy between lovers requires all types of physical contact from kisses and hugs - with NO sex expected - to sex itself. And if you don't engage in the nonsexual types, bud, then you can kiss your sex life goodbye.

 

It's starting to sound as though you've taken the 'typical man' stereotype to heart and are following it as a way of life; i.e. pay no physical attention to her, don't flirt or hug or kiss her, until you hit the bed and then you expect sex.

 

Yes, she was up for more sex during courtship. Few humans aren't - male and female. But the hormones that get you going that much early on in the relationship start to fade away after a while and then you actually have to woo her.

 

Read John Grey's Men are from Mars, etc. He's got some good tips.

[Mr Spock]

I think cuddling with people that you're not banging, or ever intending to bang, is freaky. Anyone ever heard of cuddle parties? Sheesh.

 

Don't poo poo being overweight as her libido killer. She may have just really realized that she's put on the pounds, and if she's feeling unattractive to herself nothing you say or do is going to convince her otherwise.

[ttjames]

Maybe she just doesn't like feeling pressured into having sex X times a week. try backing off completely and don't mention it at all.

 

Wait until she finally iniatates it..

[WithOrWithoutYou]

I hate to say it, but I see a serious compatibility issue here. Turning a man down is just really bad for a man's self image, and it is bad for the relationship. Now that said, I'm not saying that a woman has to be willing to have sex every single day to make a marriage work (although personally, I think that is a good philosophy for both partners to have (that includes him giving her sex whenever SHE wants it, as well as her giving it to him). But ONCE per week, and NEVER initiates? That's just, well, wrong. Part of a loving relationship (whether it is a marriage or not), is feeling wanted by your partner, and this man obviously does not feel wanted. She has made him feel that way. I would suggest some marriage counselling.

 

It also bothers me that she was all over him every single day right up until the wedding night, then he had to beg for it the very next morning? What is that?

 

Just to clarify, I am absolutely NOT saying that the W here should have to give him sex absolutely whenever he wants it even if the thought is horrible to her just to keep peace or because it is "her duty", or anything medieval like that - but if she doesn't want him at all really (once per week out of obligation and he always has to beg), there really are some very serious issues to work on, especially in light of how it was just before they said "I do".

[RecordProducer]

Hi, Yuv! I agree with LadyJane and Monday that the sparkle goes away after a while and sex is not so fun as at the beginning of the relationship. We (married/divorced women) have all experienced that.

I had a boyfriend who I stopped desiring, because he didn't care about foreplay, but most of all because he always wanted sex when I wasn't in the mood.

Plus he would finish pretty fast (10 minutes in average, often even shorter than that). That killed my desire completely.

Perhaps it seems to your wife that you're using her as a masturbation doll. Sex is penetration, but good sex is much more than that.

I would prefer to have good sex 3-4 times a week than average sex every day. You compare it to drinking water. She wants it to be much more than that.

personally when I was married I prefered to make a few-day break in order to get really horny and enjoy it more.

It's time for you to change your sexual behavior towards your wife and don't forget that the foreplay starts long before the kiss.

[ubermann]

Well the chemical rush may be over for you but not for me.

Myself I find the dating business deceptive, at the beginning when the couple has sex everyday, that in truth is how the guy is. Its not a phase, or excitement about something new. Being horny everyday is a way of life. I admit I find it aggravating. And then too, masturbation is definitely a cheap substitute.

ONe thing I do agree with you dear is that it would be much easier for me if I was gay, who else could match my drive but another man. Problem is I'm not gay. So I gotta just accept it the once a month thing.

My friends wouldn't date you anyway. And the one who would has schizophrenia.

[FolderWife]

In the beginning, we are DYING to please our partner. Blowjobs every day, sex every night, dinner on the table, spotless house....

 

Then, we start to feel like we are putting way to much into this, and we get exhausted.

 

So no more blowjobs, sex once a week, dinner is takeout, and if you want a clean house, HERE'S THE BROOM!

 

The newness and excitement wears off. duh!

[yuv]

Thanks for the input as always folks. Some comments.

 

moimeme-

You have so much to learn!!!

You have so much to read... you have a knack for reading posts too quickly, it seems. To clarify. I never said I wasn't close or didn't cuddle with my wife. I was saying that cuddling is being close, not intimate. I have been close to, and cuddle with my sister. I have a strong affinity for my sister, but we do not share marital love or intimacy. I have in fact been close to, and do cuddle with, my wife. We also share marital love and intimacy. Saying I cuddle with my sister does not mean I don't cuddle with my wife. I enjoy both. We (meaning me and my wife) are close much of the time. We hug, kiss, hold hands...

 

Foreplay was mentioned. I enjoy rather long foreplay, and have in the past let things develop anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. She doesn't prefer it, but she never did from day one. That's just her.

 

Mr Spock- thanks for saying that. I have told her it makes no difference to me, but to know it _still_ might be a factor helps me understand more.

 

ttjames - thank you for the advice but this thread isn't about asking for sex X times per week. It's really more about what happened the day after my wedding, and the nature of love and desire. Not having sex every day? I can understand that. Not _desiring_ it? That's what one of the central questions of this thread is about.

 

BTW, the Pepsi example helped a LOT. When I compare to drinking water, I don't mean it's casual, I mean I view it as necessary to maintain a healthy body (drinking water, moimeme, not sex) and I view sexuality as necessary to maintain a healthy marriage. The Pepsi example tells me my wife probably looks at sexuality as something complementary rather than necessary, something that adds to the marriage as opposed to something that helps to build and sustain love.

 

RecordProducer- I think I understand better about letting things build. Remember, though, we don't have sex 3-4 times per week. It's what she once said a while ago before it went to once per week presently.

 

ubermann's words hit how I feel right now. I feel dismayed that for her it was a chemical rush, for me it's the way I am (and was raised to view marital love). Also I want to add that I have low Testosterone, so it's not like I'm in heat. This is more of a "the way I think" thing.

 

monday-the excitement wears off.. 5 months, though?

 

Well, this input has really helped me quite a bit, a little in the understanding department, especially with regard to how some women might think of things so differently.

[Moose]

In the beginning, we are DYING to please our partner. Blowjobs every day, sex every night, dinner on the table, spotless house....

Ok, I missed out on something here. This isn't what it was like with Mrs. Moose. Man, what else am I missing? Anyway, this all is temporary. The desires to have sex increase and decrease all the time. I don't think you really have anything to worry about. One of these days, your wife is going to be all over you, and you'll be the one pushin' her off you. I know this to be true in my relationship and from what I've gathered in other couples, this is normal. Hang in there.

[Major Lee Hard]

I think you should get a divorce before too long. You could still get a fresh start with a less messed up broad. Your young and you think this will get better but really it's a forecast of things to come. You are about to live a long and lonely life; in addition your setting yourself up to foot the bills for a worthless broad. If I wasn't able to feed it, I wouldn't buy a dog. Likewise if a woman can't take care of her man, then she shouldn't tie him down into a marriage. I can tell your caucasion from reading your post because only a white woman would choose to not take care of her man and at the same time expect that he wouldn't go find a 'piece on the side. Let me ask you a question; if you deprived your wife of sex and she ended up cheating on you, would you be mad at her?? I'm guessing not. If she isn't taking care of you then find someone who will

[Embarassed]

LOL at Name MLHard.

 

I'm having the opposite problem with my husband. He never wants it anymore. The only time he did recently was on a weekend trip when his friends were oogling me. But the day we got home, he's telling me how much he hates having to spend more than 5 minutes to do it - as opposed to under five if he just masterbates.

 

I had previously let him just wait and come to me - so as not to push the issue, but after about a month passed, I'd had it.

 

I read about this guy & everyone saying how guys are wired to want it all the time - so what's wrong with this picture? Why did my H wither away sexually after marriage? (4 months married).

[Chimerical]

Maybe I'm just screwed up in the head... but after I got married I freaked! And there wasn't any way I could talk to my H about it. All of the reasons I was having problems were things everyone else seemed fine with in marriage. Taking the guys last name, wearing the ring, the social standing... I wasn't understanding how I fit into the role of "wife". Who I was. If I wasn't me (my name) who was I?

 

Anyway, I had a lot of issues as soon as I got married that... dampened my enthusiasum for being intimate. Not to mention I had gained weight too, and since I was now married that meant I was just a big ball and chain. No longer a sexy fiance. I had a lot of bad connotations for being an over weight wife. (I wasn't even fat, but I felt like it.)

 

Not saying these are your wifes problems, but there may be some views or issues about marriage that she's still sorting out.

 

My view (women's): If you're coming to her and saying she should, has to, or you need, it ends up with you feeling shes doing it out of obligation. And she feels like the fun has gone out of it. Not that your feelings are invalid, but I'm not sure words are helping in this situation, and may cause both of you more harm than good.

 

Have you changed your behavior any? Have you asked HER if you have?

 

If she's tired, can you start earlier in the day? When is/was the time of day she liked to have sex? Afternoon, morning?

 

One last suggestion. Instead of going cold turkey and not explaining anything to her, and then having it blow up into an argument. Maybe try back rubs, foot rubs, special treatment for a few weeks, without sex or the expectation of sex. Make sure she understands you aren't just doing it FOR sex. That it's a gift for HER. No strings attached. Frankly this is guaranteed to work for me after a while. not just a one time thing though. If she's feeling unappreciated or used, this should help.

 

The last thing I want to do is have sex when I feel as if my SO or hubby is taking me for granted. And it could be over something you believe is small, but to her feels as if it's big. Ie. My SO thinks grocery shopping is a piece of cake. I hate it. I do the grocery shopping because I have the time. To me I am giving a great deal, to him it's peanuts. Sometimes it makes me feel as if he doesn't appreciate my effort. To him not much appreciation is required. Just little things like that can cause me to think more about doing my homework then having sex.