dismantling one way of life to create another

[Alora]

Hello dear friends

 

I have made a life changing decision to move abroad probably for a year and then move onto another country. You all gave me loads of advice and support to help me make it.

 

There are no real ties in this country which would need me to be in the UK. I have chosen a country which is a 2 hour plane ride away if I needed to come back urgently.

 

I am beginning to make my plans, researching the country, looking at employment, renting my house...it is all very nerve racking but exciting.

 

My problem is my partner of 3 years. We have spoken about me moving abroad and mostly the subject has been met with silence, negativity and how it would affect him. I have told him that there is nothing for me here in the UK other than him, that I want to live abroad next year to teach English and Pilates in Spain before its too late. I have asked him if he could come with me or if he can't he could visit me often....but he just interrupted saying negative things about finances..

 

So, I am just continuing with my plans. The subject of my move was brought up again this week and nothing has been said since by my partner.

 

I have looked at our relationship and I simply cannot see any future for me with him My partner's life revolves around his work and his family and I don't know whether this is through choice or guilt. Even when he retires I know that his family will come before me. At the moment my partner has his 6 year old grandson every Sunday and one day during the week to cover school holidays.

 

The problem I have got is the commitments that we have made. We are going on holiday together to see my son abroad for two weeks in December and there are a lot of social engagements with him that I just cannot get out of. My son thinks the world of my partner is looking forward to seeing him. We are very much a couple and dance partners it would be incredibly difficult for me to extricate myself without causing an incredible amount of bad feeling.

 

Since I have made this decision I just want to get on with it. My partner is still talking about doing stuff to my house in the future but he must see that I am clearing out my belongings and redecorating? Has he forgotten our conversation?

 

He tells me he loves me totally but he is so weighed down with work and family responsibilities that it makes him such miserable company and I am not sure I can stand this until I go next July!

 

Every time I have suggested anything to him the past that involves him taking leave, spending money doing something together or changing days around at the weekend to do something together, it is always met by 'well, I have to check my diary' or I don't know what x or x or x or doing' or 'I have had a heavy month and spent a lot on xxx' (family). Everything mostly has to be on his terms.

 

I just cannot get the guts up to tell him that he is boring company because I just don't want to hurt his feelings because I just want to see this last year out with no bad feelings.

 

Do I bite the bullet and tell him my plans (again...for the 3rd) but this time I have decided to go on my own, not with him. Or do I just try and hang until we get back from seeing my son in December and honour all of our social commitments which, if we didn't do these would upset a lot of friends and family.

 

I used to be able to tolerate my partner's (sometimes) difficult ways and the way I learnt how to do this was to be very amenable, tolerant and easy going which is easy to do compared to my partner because I am retired. He is very stressed and has a lot of responsibilities. But now that I have made this decision I just cannot put up with it anymore.

 

Don't get me my partner is kind and would do anything for me as long it is practical in fits in with his lifestyle.

 

Most of the time I just want to be on my own anyway because being with my partner can be very stressful. He moans about his boss a lot or about mortgage he has to pay or how much he pays out to his kids....it goes on and on.

 

I have just found out from partner that his daughter's relationship has folded after six months because the boyfriend could not stand the stress created by her and her son, so it's not just me.

 

How can I get through the next few months...it's torture now.

[carhill]

IMO, unless you have legal entanglements to unwind, make your decision and execute. Sure, there will be 'bad feelings'. That's part and parcel of making choices which others find disagreeable. You're not responsible for their feelings, nor they yours. This is demonstrated by how your partner weighs his involvement with family and work compared to his involvement with you.

 

If this move is important to you, it is. It doesn't have to end your relationship. You both can make efforts to continue. If either doesn't wish to, that's OK. Big world, lots of people. Heck, billions of people. We're all interchangeable. Yeah, we make choices about those we view as more important and less important. This move can be one of those choices.

 

If you're retired, either you're very fortunate and young, or have already lived a lot of life. If the latter, when time gets short, IMO don't let anything or anyone hold you back. No one on the planet cares more about your life than you do.