Sex after marriage... I'm scared

[radwimps]

Hi Loveshack

 

I have a growing insecurity right now.

 

See, I'm an Asian man dating a (very) traditional Asian woman. I'm 24 and she's 25. We've been seeing each other since last year.

 

We're compatible in 95% aspects of life. We're quite happy with each other. We're seriously thinking about marriage. However, her family refuses to let her have sex before marriage, and she wants to stay faithful to this notion as well. This isn't all that rare in Asian families.

 

That being said, we sleep in the same bed and have come close a few times. We have trouble keeping our bodies away from each other. I can tell she gets quite wet down there. We can literally do everything BUT penetration and oral. She gets quite sexually aggressive at times, which leads me to think she has a high libido. She sort of admits this too.

 

However, I still have this irrational fear that she will end up not liking sex. I have high sex drive and need sex to stay fulfilled. She's eager to have sex too, but since she's never had sex, she can't really tell whether she will like it. But she says she'll do her best. Obviously I will vow to do my best to make her comfortable as well.

 

I worry the following thing:

1. She's never had sex so she ends up not liking it after she's done it, and I'm stuck in a sexually incompatible marriage.

2. My genital is also a little big... I need Magnum sized condoms. Some women in the past have found it painful in the first few sessions, but once they got used to it, they really liked it. But I'm not sure if this would potentially put a first-timer off because it will make it far too painful.

 

Any people with experience... please let me know if you have any thoughts.

I really want my doubts to subside and just have a happy marriage...

[dichotomy]

Talk and talk to you wife to be.

 

I think its ok to explain your expectations for a happy marriage and sex.

 

Its important to not make her feel like she needs to be a sex toy for you - but a general discussion of what your wants and needs are would be good.

 

People have sex for two main reasons:

 

1) For their own pleasure (orgasms) or needs (power, money, control)

2) To please the other person because they care about them.

 

You should also be a husband that both in sex and other areas in marriage wish to give and please the needs and wants of your marriage

 

For you I would discuss not only frequency of sex (minimums) but types of sex you enjoy. You don't want to find out she finds the idea of oral sex not attractive.

 

Try asking her "what is important to your happiness in our future marriage?" "what are your expectations from me?" and then tell her you will do your best to give her those things.

 

This leads to whats important to you. But try not to make it sound like a demand but a request. For a woman who has never been sexual you don't need to make it pressure and anxiety.

[spanz1]

so you both sleep in the same bed, but have not had sex yet? you have great patience my man.

 

 

I think maybe you are overthinking this....possibly because you ARE sleeping together everynight! Get separate bedrooms, and you will not be fixated on sex so much.

[Els]

FWIW, the majority of Asian couples I've talked to about it (not very many, but still a decent sample size considering how taboo talking about sex is in Asian culture) aren't waiting for marriage to have oral sex. That is usually reserved for vaginal intercourse, due to the inherent risk of pregnancy. Almost everyone has some form of oral or manual sexual activity prior to marriage.

 

That being said, I'm not trying to convince you and your partner to do that. Everyone is entitled to their own boundaries and you have yours, so that's fine. I do think there is a risk, and the risk increases with every sexual act that you rule out. I don't think anyone can guarantee that you will be sexually compatible after you marry, unfortunately. Then again, lots of couples experience sexual issues after marriage despite having had sex before it...

 

Not sure what advice to give you aside from that.