Sad, deadbedroom, heartache

[rm321432]

I'm realizing my marriage is faltering, and I don't know whether I want it to succeed. How do you balance hurting kids, your SO, families etc vs my needs and wants?

 

I'm a 35wife to a 34man who is kind, amiable, a good Dad. He is just incredibly lazy, with certain things, that effects every aspect of our lives. I do everything: not kidding. Clean, kids, meals, yes but also all finances, all the yard work, summer and winter, all repairs in the house, all arrangements for the kids, all meals-everything. It's incredible unbalanced and has been for years. In fact in our pre marriage counseling from the minister who married us this exact issue came up. I guess I ignored it then thinking it might change with marriage.

 

We have had good fights and bad fights over this issue, his lack of help, in a variety of ways (arguing about cleaning, or asking him to take over paying the bills etc) to a big, calm discussion a few weeks ago with me asking why he never tries to have sex with me. Never holds my hand, kisses me good morning and good night, that's it. He stated he didn't know what to do to show affection. He then pouts, says he needs to be a better husband, that he loves me and I back off every time.

I have been told by him in the past that I just need to write down everything he needs to do and he'll do it which is true. However, I refuse to coach him how to seduce me, how to want me. Shouldn't he want to kiss me and hug me and touch me?

 

Looking back, I realize I was the seductress in our relationship all the time and I don't think it's his nature to show affection- but now I'm hurting and resentment is seeping in. He never cuddled my pregnant belly, never tells me I am pretty or look good unless prompted. My father was sick and passed away and I resent that he never asked me about it nor still doesn't.

 

And now I am finding myself fulfilling pieces of that missing intimacy with an old flame from over a dozen years ago. It feels so nice to be told nice things, feel like someone understands me.

 

I'm stuck and truly don't know how to weigh my own needs with those of my family. I feel selfish for indulging in companionship I so dearly desire.

[VeveCakes]

Men like this don't change. My ex was like this and it was a big reason I left him. Was tired of doing everything all the time.

 

If you are going to leave him do it before you get with someone else... cheating is not the answer nor will it solve anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

And now I am finding myself fulfilling pieces of that missing intimacy with an old flame from over a dozen years ago. It feels so nice to be told nice things, feel like someone understands me.

 

I'm stuck and truly don't know how to weigh my own needs with those of my family. I feel selfish for indulging in companionship I so dearly desire.

 

All you've done is take one big problem and make it into two big problems. That's not progress .

 

Go NC with your OM and get your head back in the marriage game. Counseling is obviously needed to address your H's destructive approach to relationships, I'd start ASAP.

 

It's one thing to leave a marriage knowing you did everything you could to fix the problems, sneaking out the back door is quite another. You and your H created these problems over many years, won't be fixed overnight. Good luck and welcome to Loveshack...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

I guess I ignored it then thinking it might change with marriage.

LOL. Most of them get lazier with marriage.

 

I'm going to assume that you're financially dependent on him - but then again, you're so busy re-roofing the house while cooking dinner and scrubbing the toilets that I suppose adding in a 40-hour job on top of it would be impossible.

 

But I'd seriously be brushing up my resume and getting a job so I can support myself.

 

He just brings NOTHING to the table. If he weren't supporting you, he'd be completely worthless to you.

 

You're not stuck. Only if you CHOOSE to be.

[Lobe]

I'm stuck and truly don't know how to weigh my own needs with those of my family. I feel selfish for indulging in companionship I so dearly desire.

 

First, let's not mince words here - "companionship" is just a fancy euphemism for "emotional affair." So, yes, you are being selfish, not to mention delusional and short-sighted - this is a train going 100 miles an hour down a 20 foot track.

 

And now I am finding myself fulfilling pieces of that missing intimacy with an old flame from over a dozen years ago. It feels so nice to be told nice things, feel like someone understands me.

 

I am you (the doer of all the things) except my husband was the one who went outside the marriage. As the betrayed spouse, I can assure you that having an affair is NOT the answer. What you are experiencing is limerence, and you are justifying your behavior using a dose of cognitive dissonance.

 

lim·er·ence ˈlimərəns/ noun PSYCHOLOGY

the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.

 

cog·ni·tive dis·so·nance nounPSYCHOLOGY

the state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude change.

 

Go watch this video: ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love

 

and pick up a copy of the book called "NOT just friends."

 

I'm realizing my marriage is faltering, and I don't know whether I want it to succeed. How do you balance hurting kids, your SO, families etc vs my needs and wants?

 

Kids will fare better in a healthy divorce than an unhealthy marriage. Go for individual and/or marriage counselling. If no change comes, divorce. THEN you can pursue your old flame.

 

I concur 100% with Veve:

 

If you are going to leave him do it before you get with someone else... cheating is not the answer nor will it solve anything.

 

Stop putting yourself in this risky situation.

 

Good luck

[central]

Leave him. You'll have your kids, and will still take care of them. You'll just have one less adult child, leaving more energy for you and your kids. Hopefully, he'll step up and be a good father to them when they are with him.

[rm321432]

I appreciate all the responses, so thank you.

 

I do work full time, approx 45 hours/week. To say I am exhausted is obviously am understatement but also I clearly don't get all the stuff done around the house.

 

I am catching myself in the emotional affair and I recognize those issues. It was more showing me that I am worthy of desire and affection and attention.

 

My struggle is to leave when I know it will hurt him so much and my kids are quite young. It's never what I wanted, I got married for life, to not divorce and I am incredibly saddened to wake up to my life and realize I got this far...

[Mr. Lucky]

I am catching myself in the emotional affair and I recognize those issues. It was more showing me that I am worthy of desire and affection and attention.

 

You're interaction with this OM has been only emotional/online, nothing physical has occurred? You two haven't been together?

 

Mr. Lucky

[rm321432]

You're interaction with this OM has been only emotional/online, nothing physical has occurred? You two haven't been together?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

We had a thing, fling or whatever, nothing defined over 12 years ago.

We work at the same place although not always directly.

It's been talking and flirting back, only physical being a side hug a few times. I know it's still breaking boundaries though; it's attention and caring I am just not seeing at home. Not unless I ask my husband to say something nice to me.

[Popsicle]

Welcome to marriage. Many fall into a rut. It helps a lot to make yourself believe that you're happy and that things are great. You truly are what you think, so fix your thinking and make it be. Oh, and stop the affair pronto.

[ExpatInItaly]

Does your husband still want to be married?

 

It sounds like he checked out a long time ago.

[burnt]

For everything you do, you deserve SO much more.

 

To work full time, be the full time caretaker of the children, doing all the things around the house, managing the finances: is there anything you haven't done?

 

Your marriage sounds like an emotional entrapment.

 

Marriage is a partnership. Yours sounds like you are a single mom; no, actually you sound like you are a single DAD taking care of two young children and one adult dependent.

 

Marriage is sharing the good times. MUTUALLY providing affection to each other: give and receive. You do; he does not reciprocate.

 

Marriage is sharing work/stress/duty responsibilities. You are doing both your share and his share. It benefits him, and causes you stress. He is comfortable; you are overwhelmed.

 

Marriage is sharing the pain and tough times of life together. When things are hard (your father's death e.g.,), you burden it all on your own. Who is benefiting: you or him? HIM.

 

Marriage is looking down the road with hope and a safe place for you to hide from the world when the world is cruel. You are providing that safe place for him clearly, but who is providing that sense of emotional safety and safe heaven for you? Not him.

 

Marriage is looking down the road, hoping for those golden years, when you both are retired and old sitting in your backyard watching your grandchildren playing, and talking about your younger years together. What do you envision that to be like for YOU? Sitting there an old woman, filled up with resentment over you investing your youth on someone who didn't return his fare share?

 

As another poster said, "men like these don't change".

Yes, he could be a good man. But is he a good LIFE PARTNER FOR YOU?

 

Hate to say it, but HE will never change, because he never has faced with the need to change.

 

Your options are:

1. You stay. Keep doing the same thing; keep getting the same result; keep talking to him; drag him to marriage counseling. He will not change. You will continue to drain yourself.

 

2. You leave. Yes, you leaving him will shock his world, and break him tremendously, but once that shock stabilizes, it will also force him to grow to be a better person. He is the kind of person who needs a painful breakup to finally learn to grow. It's sad, but such is the reality. Yes, it will mean that somewhere down the road, he will be a better man, but NOT for you, for his next partner.

 

You leaving him is not you being cruel to him. It is being kind to yourself, and being fare to him. You two can still continue to be in good amicable terms and be present in your children's lives, but YOU deserve to have a life that is fulfilling as well.

 

Think of it as pruning a bush: severe chopping down is sometimes necessary to promote new growth.

 

 

I am catching myself in the emotional affair and I recognize those issues. It was more showing me that I am worthy of desire and affection and attention.

^^^ THIS.

 

Your emotional affair is a doorway for you to awaken yourself; now allow that awakened awareness to take the next steps to do something about the problem. But do not stay in the marriage while you carry on in this affair. That is the WORST possible path you can take.

 

Best wishes.

[Mr. Lucky]

We had a thing, fling or whatever, nothing defined over 12 years ago.

 

Were you married to or dating your husband 12 years ago? Just trying to understand the history...

 

Mr. Lucky

[rm321432]

For everything you do, you deserve SO much more.

 

To work full time, be the full time caretaker of the children, doing all the things around the house, managing the finances: is there anything you haven't done?

 

Your marriage sounds like an emotional entrapment.

 

Marriage is a partnership. Yours sounds like you are a single mom; no, actually you sound like you are a single DAD taking care of two young children and one adult dependent.

 

Marriage is sharing the good times. MUTUALLY providing affection to each other: give and receive. You do; he does not reciprocate.

 

Marriage is sharing work/stress/duty responsibilities. You are doing both your share and his share. It benefits him, and causes you stress. He is comfortable; you are overwhelmed.

 

Marriage is sharing the pain and tough times of life together. When things are hard (your father's death e.g.,), you burden it all on your own. Who is benefiting: you or him? HIM.

 

Marriage is looking down the road with hope and a safe place for you to hide from the world when the world is cruel. You are providing that safe place for him clearly, but who is providing that sense of emotional safety and safe heaven for you? Not him.

 

Marriage is looking down the road, hoping for those golden years, when you both are retired and old sitting in your backyard watching your grandchildren playing, and talking about your younger years together. What do you envision that to be like for YOU? Sitting there an old woman, filled up with resentment over you investing your youth on someone who didn't return his fare share?

 

As another poster said, "men like these don't change".

Yes, he could be a good man. But is he a good LIFE PARTNER FOR YOU?

 

Hate to say it, but HE will never change, because he never has faced with the need to change.

 

Your options are:

1. You stay. Keep doing the same thing; keep getting the same result; keep talking to him; drag him to marriage counseling. He will not change. You will continue to drain yourself.

 

2. You leave. Yes, you leaving him will shock his world, and break him tremendously, but once that shock stabilizes, it will also force him to grow to be a better person. He is the kind of person who needs a painful breakup to finally learn to grow. It's sad, but such is the reality. Yes, it will mean that somewhere down the road, he will be a better man, but NOT for you, for his next partner.

 

You leaving him is not you being cruel to him. It is being kind to yourself, and being fare to him. You two can still continue to be in good amicable terms and be present in your children's lives, but YOU deserve to have a life that is fulfilling as well.

 

Think of it as pruning a bush: severe chopping down is sometimes necessary to promote new growth.

 

 

 

^^^ THIS.

 

Your emotional affair is a doorway for you to awaken yourself; now allow that awakened awareness to take the next steps to do something about the problem. But do not stay in the marriage while you carry on in this affair. That is the WORST possible path you can take.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

 

Thank you for this so much. This is very on point. I do feel that whatever emotional affair thing is happening truly just shook me awake to realizing I am 35 and shouldn't waste all this time and keep building further resentment.

 

All of what you said here is very true. I am not going to continue the emotional affair, that is not helping and I know that. I do think I will have to comply with a request for counselling to know we truly gave it a shot. However as I type that I know that I am checked out. I resent his past behaviour and I don't think I can overcome that. All will see I guess.

 

I just wanted to thank you for showing a perspective with which didn't include "suck it up and deal with it." Very insightful, so thank you.

[Lobe]

However as I type that I know that I am checked out. I resent his past behaviour and I don't think I can overcome that. All will see I guess.

 

I just wanted to thank you for showing a perspective with which didn't include "suck it up and deal with it." Very insightful, so thank you.

 

Even if nothing comes of counselling at least you will be able to walk away saying, "I tried and did all I could." There's nothing worse than staying with someone who takes you so badly for granted that the only way they acknowledge all that you do is when you threaten to leave, so be prepared for a lot of grovelling - I just want you to prepare yourself for that because if you really have already :checked out" his sudden interest in participating equally in the relationship is going to make you resent him further, especially if his efforts are short-lived and only last until he gets comfortable enough to slack off again. Hold his feet to the fire as long as you need and I repeat, kids will fare better in a healthy divorce than in an unhealthy marriage!

 

Good luck

 

PS Good call on ditching the EA - you want your head screwed on straight for the coming storm...

[KatieCares]

I agree with all who have stated that this Emotional Affair is not the way to fix anything! I understand how and why it happened; but this will only complicate an already over complicated situation.

It sounds as though the minister who married you was very wise. Could you go back to him for more counseling? Your husband needs to understand that this is very serious for you at this point. I suspect that he doesn't fully realize how difficult this is for you. I believe that people can change, if they really want to...perhaps counseling could give both of you the incentive to change, and create a better marriage together! Good luck!

[rm321432]

Does your husband still want to be married?

 

It sounds like he checked out a long time ago.

 

I think yes, however after my conversation with him tonight it will be interesting to hear what he is thinking and feeling.

[rm321432]

Were you married to or dating your husband 12 years ago? Just trying to understand the history...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's fair. Hard to tell all the pertinent details

 

I didn't know my husband was alive 12 years ago. We met about 8 years ago, married for 6.

 

The EA guy I've known for about 14 years, through work.

Edited July 22, 2016 by rm321432
Spelling

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

The issues with your husband simply magnified and became more apparent when you started thinking more about the old flame. . .

 

I think that, at this point, it's all still very very salvageable if if that is what you desire (as a couple).

 

I am sure that there is a lot more that just what I have read so far, but from your description, your husband sounds like a bum! I mean, I can be lazy too, that's human nature. But at the end of the day, THERE IS NO WAY that I would watch my wife do all the work. Seeing her working hard (even if she isn't complaining or mentioning it to me), would motivate me into (perhaps guilt me into) getting up and participating in whatever needs doing. As parents in this day and age, that almost NEVER ends!

 

If you want to reach the best state of your marriage, you MUST TOTALLY DROP the OM in any regards. Like ZERO contact. . . Then put your best foot forward, and without complaining or nagging, your husband needs to be motivated to be more of a participant in this marriage. Loving, caring, SEXUAL, and putting in work too!

 

It's not an easy task that you have ahead of you. Perhaps it's easier and actually more satisfying just to indulge in some level of affair and be mad at your husband, no???

[rm321432]

Well we had our first good talk in years, truly. We both agreed on that and we both agreed to counseling. I admitted to him I have created a huge amount of this problem by always pushing aside issues, rolling by and never truly confronting things. It's a big fault if mine and I do see how I enabled this behaviour from him.

 

I think you just try to not have everything be a fight. And you want the other person to try, dammit.

 

So we are headed to counseling. A big problem I see, and I stated this to him, is I don't know if I can work past the resentment of not being there through the everyday and the big events (he was physically there just not emotionally.)

 

Also since I feel that nothing ever got done until I said something, I feel yet again this is the same pattern. He said he knew it wasn't great for a while but felt he was walking on eggshells around me and just didn't know what to sa or do so did nothing. That was frustrating for me to hear. I understand but frustrated.

 

I said that right now we function quite well as parents and he agreed. He stated he didn't want to have our kids model this relationship, which is good.

 

I don't know if it is ok for me to ask him to change so much of himself, but that's what I need. I also don't know if he does change if it's enough to make me forget these years.

 

Time I guess.

 

Thank you for all your responses. It has been good to read different opinions and suggestions. It's hard to write down an entire marriage's problems as so many build up over time and for me it just all collapsed at once.